Quick: What’s the easiest thing to say when your kid misbehaves? “That’s it — time-out!” Easy, yes. But effective? Not the way most of us do it. Find out how in this excerpt from "Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science." (5 stars on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1NUuJuz)

1. www.zerotofive.net
The secret
to time-outs
that work
A tip adapted from
by Tracy Cutchlow

2. You threaten a time-out, lecture, threaten again, get
exasperated, banish your child to time-out, get pissed off
when she escapes from time-out, wrestle her back into it,
yell at her to be quiet if she sounds like she’s having fun in
there, feel bad if she’s crying, make her apologize afterward,
and wrap up with a lecture.
In other words, a heck of a lot of attention.
Does this sound familiar?

3. And it
doesn’t work.

4. The truly effective
discipline technique?
Briefly withdrawing attention.

5. It's just a chance to stop, take
a break, and regain self-control.
It's positive, not punitive

6. I call it a
calm-down.

7. Time-out
• used to punish and shame
• doesn't teach what to do
• makes taking a break a
bad thing
• makes both parties feel bad
Calm-down
• used to help child deal
with intense emotions
• teaches what to do instead
of misbehaving
• makes taking a break a good thing
• feels better to parents and kids
A calm-down vs. a time-out

8. Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press
It looks like this

9. How to prepare?
Create a Wheel of Choice

10. Together, brainstorm
things that calm your child.
Write them on a pie chart
and illustrate it.
Copyright Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott

11. taking deep breaths punching a pillow
jumping up and down mashing playdough
being asked if she wants a hug looking at a book
listening to soothing music drawing
stretching doing windmills or sit-ups or squats
Ideas

12. When to call a calm-down?
For disruptive or defiant behavior

13. 4 steps to calling
a calm-down

14. “OK, time for a calm-down.” (Be matter-of-fact, not threatening or disrespectful.)
Even better, you go first:
“I need to calm down. I’m going to read in my room for a few minutes.”
“Time for a calm-down. I’m going to take deep breaths.”
Keep the conversation short and sweet.
Step 1

15. Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press
“We’re not going to talk about
this until we’re both calm.”

16. Surprise: You don't need some chair in the corner.
The key is withdrawing attention from the misbehavior, not
necessarily the child. You might say, “Would you like to sit next to me
while you calm down?” Or “Would you like to go to your calm-down
space, or should I go to mine?”
Let your child choose where to calm down.
Step 2

17. Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press
You could ask if your child would like a hug first.

18. If your child won’t choose, announce your own plan for calming down:
“I’m going to (take deep breaths / read a book / pick something from
our Wheel of Choice). I love you, but I’m too worked up to talk about this
right now.”
Practice a calming technique.
Step 3

19. Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press
3 benefits:
• It models for your child
how to calm down.
• It calms you down.
• It withdraws your attention
from the misbehavior.

20. Kids can't learn a lesson when they're worked up. (You can't either,
right?) There's no point lecturing in the heat of the moment. Once
everyone is calm (maybe that night), then talk. Name the misbehavior
and the behavior you want instead.
Teach the lesson ... later
Step 4

21. Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press
Ask questions without judging:
“What happened there?”
“What can you do differently next time?”
“What do we need to do to make this right?”

22. www.zerotofive.net
Tracy Cutchlow is the author of Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based
on Science (and What I’ve Learned So Far), and the editor of the bestselling books
Brain Rules for Baby and Brain Rules. As a journalist, she has worked for MSN Money
and the Seattle Times. She lives in Seattle with her husband and daughter.
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