Arrested for brandishing an enormous penis. A drunken Rasputin falls foul of the law.

1. Its Long, And So Is My Beard.
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Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin 1869-1916
The Mad Monk gets carried away
March 1915
Grigory Efimovich Rasputin opens one
bleary eye and groans, “Я показал всем
моем пенисе”.
Forcing open the other, he realises that he is
in possession of a truly spectacular
hangover and appears to be locked in a
police cell.
“What the hell did I do last night?”
It started out so well, Rasputin, a 76 year old
widow named Anisya Reshentnikova, a
young woman and a male journalist had
spent the evening drinking convivially at the
widow’s house. As the night wore on, they
decided to take themselves into Moscow
and visit a well known gypsy restaurant on
Kuznetsky Most, called “Yar”
The restaurant is particularly well known for
the beautiful women of its Sokolovsky gypsy
choir. It’s inevitable, at least to Rasputin that
they’d be falling over each other to sleep
with the irresistible mystic monk.
Since he’d been seduced at the age of 14
(so he says) by some girls in his home
village of Prokovskoe, Rasputin has had an
almost supernatural way with the ladies.
He’s a prophet, a healer and a giver of
knowledge who has moved from small time
fame in Siberia to national phenomenon in

2. Grigory is proud to be a peas ant.
St Petersburg. Royalty
have loved him for a
decade and following his
miraculous treatment of
the young Tsarevitch
Alexei’s haemophilia in
1912 he can do no
wrong. Some aristocrats
think that a smelly
peasant having so much
influence over the
Russian crown is a bad
thing, others (mostly
women) think it’s
wonderful, the man
himself likes dancing.
Rasputin and his friends
drunkenly burst into Yar
and loudly secure
themselves a private
second floor room. Food
is gorged, drink flows,
dances are danced and
the gypsy choir sings.
Rasputin decides to give
his “broad peasant
nature” full reign and let
his long hair down.
He starts off by writing
dirty notes to the choir
girls such as “Love
Unselfishly”
accompanied by a wink
and a leer. This is the
man who despite looking
like a vagrant dipped in
horse hair, once had a
formally sophisticated
and respectable
suburbanite called Olga
Lokhtina clinging onto his
penis in public shouting
“’I am your ewe, and you
are Christ” while he beat
her around the head and face. He’s not used to rejection.
This is a

3. Sm ooth
This is a
shame,
because as he
moves from
note writing to
groping he
finds his
roaming hands
violently
rebuffed by
every girl in the
place. Furious
at the
impertinence,
he swigs more
vodka and
become
incandescent
with rage.
Usually
Rasputin’s
obnoxiousness
has the women
swooning. High
born Russian
ladies seem to
like being
humiliated by a
gobby
scarecrow.
“Are you
married?”,
“Where is your
husband?”
“Why did you come alone?” he asks, brazenly, staring at them with his piercing grey eyes. He always
eats with his unwashed fingers and will often offer them to women to lick clean “Humble yourself” he grins,
and they do, gladly.

4. “Lick m y fingers ” The old Ras putin charm works its m agic.
Gypsy girls however are made of stronger stuff and Rasputin starts to make a scene.
“I can do anything” he shouts “See this belt? It’s her majesties own work”. He starts to pump his hips
furiously “I could make the old girl dance like this if I wished” Deciding that loudly simulating sex with the
tsarina in a public place is her cue to leave, Anisya Reshentnikova calls for the bill.
It’s a wise move as other patrons are now asking if this loud, boorish letch really is the famous holy man
Rasputin.
To confirm his identity Rasputin leaps onto their table, opens the front of his trousers and waves his
pendulous genitals in their astonished faces. It’s reputed that Rasputin’s penis is 13 inches long although
no one feels like asking for a tape measure tonight. One woman claims that the first time she slept with
him her orgasm was so powerful she fainted. Rasputin himself attributes his sexual stamina to a particular
recipe of codfish soup. One of his alleged gay lovers says the location of a particularly large penile wart
is the secret of his orgasmic success.
Whatever the reason, no one wants to see it while they are eating borscht and listening to the balalaika.
Downstairs a British gentleman by the name of Bruce Lockhart hears “Wild shrieks of women, a man’s
curses, broken glass and banging doors.”
As waiters scurry between diners apologising profusely the police are called.
Standing on a table with his Khuy in his hand Rasputin doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.
He is thought to be part of a religious group known as the Khlysty who believe that only after sinning can
man truly repent and discover God. This is why they piously engage in whipping each other and having
group sex in church crypts after lights out. He certainly thinks that the greater the sinning, the greater the
repentance and ultimately the greater the holiness, which is a wonderfully convenient way to be a man of

5. The m ore you s in the holier you becom e…brilliant!
“Do s vidaniya ladies ”
God and have lots of fun at the same time.
By now Col Semenov of the Moscow police is on the scene and he’s not sure what to do. On the one
hand a scruffy, drunken pervert is bellowing filth, exposing himself and propositioning anyone in a skirt.
On the other hand it’s the most famous man in Russia and a favourite of the Tsar. At 2.30am he finally
makes a decision and arrests Rasputin. The holy man is led away “snarling and vowing vengeance”.
Sat in his police cell the next morning Rasputin is just thinking that what he really needs is a shot of vodka
and a prostitute when a police officer enters to tell him he is being released on orders emanating from
“the highest level”. He might call her “The old girl” and hint that they are having an affair but the Tsarina
Alexandra won’t hear a bad word said about him.
That afternoon he boards the train for Petrograd, a crowd of over excited women crowding the platform
and waving at his departure.