Notes from Interesting Talks

1. How to handle everyday conflict
& solve problems constructively
Michèle Moore

2. Preparation
• Choose your useful thoughts
• Consider how you will invite the other person to discuss the issue/
buy in to the process:
– What would be in it for them?
– How does the conflict affect them?
– How might resolution help them achieve their objectives?
• Think carefully about the examples of the behaviour(s) you want
to discuss
– What was said or done? Be factual and specific
– How did the behaviour make you feel/what impression did it
give you?

3. Useful Behaviours
Open:
Express your desire for a resolution that is acceptable to you both & is good for the business/team.
Emphasise the importance of honesty, openness and mutual respect during the discussion.
Clarify:
Discuss the real reasons underlying the problem (often multiple sources). We need to bring the causes that are at
the “bottom of the iceberg” to the surface in order to be able to talk about them, dispel misunderstandings,
understand positions etc.
Show you are flexible by your willingness to listen.
Listen first, and then talk about your point of view. Give your full attention, show you are listening, ask open
questions, restate, and don’t interrupt. Listen for meaning. Listen carefully for hints of underlying issues and ask
about them
Treat the other person with respect
Summarise your understanding of the issues them and ask if that accurately and adequately summarises the other
person’s concerns.
Identify respective interests (what is important for the parties involved) and avoid getting stuck on positions (how
that need is being expressed).
First, share your areas of agreement
Then, share why you disagree or see it differently and explain your view

4. Useful Behaviours
Express your views in terms of your needs and goals, not solutions.
Express disagreement tactfully. Choose words carefully (that don’t offend or attack)
Give reasons and share experiences that clarify your position.
Don’t lecture why you are right.
Focus on one improvement – don’t bring out a laundry list.
Identify and summarise areas of agreement
If having difficulty arriving at agreement, suggest checking to see if all issues are out on the table
Develop:
Brainstorm alternative approaches and determine viable solutions.
Agree:
On an alternative (or combination of alternatives) that best meet needs of all parties
Create a problem resolution plan
Close:
Summarise key points and state next steps, including a follow-up meeting. On a positive note

5. Common Mistakes
Common mistakes made when trying to resolve your own conflict with another person:
• Minimising or ignoring other's concerns
• Pulling power plays
• Attacking legitimacy of the other person's position or priorities
• Suppressing differences
• Imposing own goals/priorities
• Refusing to remove constraints temporarily
• Going through the motions of managing the difference but refusing to carry it through

6. Summary
Open
Develop
Clarify
Agree
Close
BEHAVIOUR
THOUGHTS EMOTIONS
I, My, We…

7. Further reading
• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen
Covey
• Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher & William Ury
• Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers

8. michele@engagemoore.co.uk
Michèle Moore