College Essay Writing Guide from PROMPT

© Editate Inc. 2020, doing business as Prompt.com 1
Prompt College Essay
Workbook
Brad Schiller, Co-founder & CEO of Prompt, brad@prompt.com

Your Traits
Instructions: Rate yourself on the five traits – Drive, Intellectual Curiosity,
Initiative, Contribution, and Diversity of Experiences. Try not to compare yourself to
your peers or other applicants; your goal is to understand which Traits to focus on
in your application – i.e. your strengths. You will list which Values relate to your
Traits – you will likely rate yourself higher on these Traits.
Remember: The goal of your application is to prove you will be successful in college
and beyond. Your Experiences related to these 5 Traits will be your proof. Here are
some ways colleges think about success:
 You will graduate and do well in your classes
 You will contribute positively to the college’s community
 You will have a positive impact on whatever you choose to do in the future
 The college will help you achieve your goals or put you on a path to achieving
them
Note: Any answer is okay. These are just thought starters to help you identify your
strengths to focus on in your applications.
Drive: Driven students push themselves to succeed no matter how long the odds.
Students have been through difficult situations and come out a better person.
List your Values related to Drive: ________________________________________________________
Choose the answer that best fits you.
 I always find myself going above and beyond what is expected. I welcome
challenges, and I routinely find a way to succeed. I consider my drive a defining
feature of my being.
 I often go above and beyond what is expected, but I do not consider it my
defining feature.
 I find myself surpassing other people’s expectations in some things, but I am
generally okay with just getting by in most things.
 I typically just find a way to get by.
Intellectual Curiosity – Students spend time their free time learning for the fun of
it. Oftentimes, students will go above and beyond their coursework to gain a deeper
understanding of subjects/topics that interest them.
List your Values related to Intellectual Curiosity: _________________________________________
 I have a subject/topic(s) I am fascinated by and get excited when thinking about
or doing. I spend a significant amount of my free time improving my knowledge
or skills, and I seek out opportunities to engage others on these topics.

 I occasionally spend some of my free time improving my knowledge or skills
related to subject/topic(s) I find interesting.
 I have subjects/topics I enjoy more than others, but I do not actively pursue
improving my knowledge or skills on these subjects/topics in my free time
outside of class or my activities.
 I do not find there are any subjects/topics to which I’m drawn or particularly
interested in learning more about beyond what I need to do to get by.
Initiative – Students are not willing to accept the status quo, but instead are willing
to challenge it, do things to improve, and generate outcomes.
List your Values related to Initiative: _____________________________________________________
 I am always thinking of and acting on ways to improve everything I am a part of.
If I were not involved, things would be drastically different than they are now
(i.e., I can point to multiple impressive ways I made things better).
 I have a few experiences I can point to where I had an idea to improve
something, acted on it, and made it better.
 I have an experience I can point to where I made something, but it does not feel
significant to me (i.e., it would have easily happened without me).
 I do not find myself acting on ideas to improve things I am a part of. The status
quo is fine by me.
Contribution – Students who make their community, school, or organizations
better places as a result of their involvement. Oftentimes, students make others
around them better. The college’s community will likely be better with these
students, and these students are likely to contribute positively to the world upon
graduation.
List your Values related to Contribution: __________________________________________________
 I find myself in a leadership role in most groups (community, school,
organizations, family) that I am a part of. Other group members consider me a
key contributor (things would be vastly different in the group if I weren’t there).
I consistently think of others and strive to make them better.
 I am a leader in one or a few groups (community, school, organizations, family)
that I am a part of. Without me, the group wouldn’t be the same.
 I am a part of several groups (community, school, organizations, family). I do
what is asked of me, but if I were not there, the group would be similar to what
they are now.
 I am not actively involved in contributing to my community, school,
organizations, or family.

Diversity of Experiences – Students with different life experiences and ways of
thinking about the world. These students will add unique perspectives to the
student body and their chosen communities upon graduation.
List your Values related to Diversity of Experiences: ______________________________________
 I have one or more experiences that define my identity and are different than
nearly all other applicants (e.g., family, community, culture, interests, skills).
These experiences relate to my future ambitions and would add a unique
perspective to the college community.
 I have one or more experiences that are different than most other applicants
(e.g.., family, community, culture, interests, skills). These experiences have
influenced my perspectives on myself (e.g., my ambitions) and others.
 My experiences are similar to other applicants, but I feel they’ve affected me
differently than other applicants (i.e., I view the world a bit differently than
someone who may have gone through a similar experience).
 My experiences and perspectives are similar to many other applicants.

Your Experiences
Instructions: Next, we’ll write down your Experiences related to your Traits and
Values. Start with the 2-3 Traits on which you scored the highest (i.e., you selected
one of the top 2 boxes). If you’re applying schools that do not require many essays,
2-3 experiences will suffice to develop in this exercise. If you are applying to schools
with many essays, then aim for 5-7 experiences.
Keep in mind – these questions are thought starters. You do not need to answer all
of them; just answer the ones where something jumps immediately to mind. Don’t
get too detailed – less than 50 words per question you answer will suffice for now.
Also, give each experience a short name and check the box of the ones you answer.
Drive
 What is the most significant challenge you’ve faced and the steps you took to
overcome it? How did the experience change you?
 What is your greatest skill? What actions did you take to develop or grow this
skill?
 Describe a time where someone told you No, but you didn’t take No for an
answer. What was the situation? What actions did you take? Were you right?
What did you learn about yourself?
 Describe a time where someone didn’t believe in you, and you proved them
wrong. What was the situation? What actions did you take? What did you learn
about yourself?
 Have you faced any educational barriers? (e.g., a learning disability). If so, what
personal characteristics or skills did you call on to overcome these barriers?
How has this experience shaped who you are today?
Intellectual Curiosity
 What is a subject or topic you learn just for the fun of it?
 What do you find yourself doing or learning in your free time? (Avoid video
games, hanging out with friends, or watching TV)
 Describe a time you found yourself immersed in a topic. What did you learn?
How did it change how you think about the world, yourself, or others?
 Describe your creative side. Your creative side can be artistic, but it can also be
shown through the unique approach you took to solving or thinking about a
problem.
 Think about an academic subject that inspires you or gets you excited. How have
you furthered your interest in it inside and/or outside of the classroom?
 Think about a topic that inspires you or gets you excited (it doesn’t need to be
academic-related). How do you further your interests in it?
 If you are a maker, what do you make? How have the things you make evolved
over time?

 If you could choose to take any class, what would be the subject? Who would
teach it? What would you hope to learn?
 What is a topic that you can talk about forever without losing interest?
Initiative
 Think about your favorite organization you are a part of. How would it be
different if you weren’t there? In other words, what did you do that changed
what the organization is today?
 Describe a time where you had to lead. What did you do and what was the
impact of what you did?
 Describe a time you saw a problem that needed to be solved. What actions did
you take to you solve it? What impact did your actions have?
 Describe a time you saw a situation you did not agree with. What actions did you
take to remedy it? What impact did your actions have?
 Describe a time you set a goal. What actions did you take to achieve this goal?
What impact did your actions have?
 Describe a time where you saw something happening you didn’t agree with.
What actions did you take to resolve the situation? What impact did your actions
have?
Contribution
 What is a community (family, school, neighborhood) where you feel at home?
What is your role in the community? What have you done that has changed it for
the better?
 What have you done to make your school or community (family, organizations,
hometown) a better place?
 Describe a time where your leadership positively influenced others, helped
resolve disputes, or contributed to group efforts (in your family, community,
school, or organizations).
 Describe a time where you saw something happening you didn’t agree with.
What actions did you take to resolve the situation? What impact did your actions
have?
 Describe a time where you made one or more people’s lives better. How did it
make you feel?
 What is something you frequently do that others will miss in your community
when you are in college?
Diversity of Experiences
 What have you done or experienced in your life that is different than other
applicants? How have these experiences affected who you are?
 What is your greatest talent or skill? Why is it meaningful to you?

 What is a value you hold dear that is different than students who are attending
the college? How did you develop this value?
 Think about your peers – what makes you different?
 If you asked your peers, what would they say makes you unique?
 What are you deeply passionate about that no one else seems to care about?
 What is a topic that you can talk about forever without losing interest? How is
this different than other applicants?

Your Ambitions
Instructions: Including your future ambitions in your application (especially in
your personal statement essay) can help you provide your readers with a clear
narrative arc. You ambitions help readers understand why the content of your essay
is meaningful to you (e.g., the impact of your experiences was so meaningful, it
changed what you plan to do in your life) and help readers picture you in the future
(on campus and in your career).
Note: Including your ambitions in your essay is recommended but also entirely
optional. If you don’t have very strong conviction about your future plans or you are
unable to relate any of your experiences to your goals, then you may not want to
include your ambitions in your application.
Answer the following questions (all are optional):
Do you know what you want to major in? If so, what is it? Why?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
What do you hope to do after you graduate?
Note – it can either be related or unrelated to your major. It can be a specific career
you intend to pursue OR it can be as general as “helping others” or “creating things.”
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
What are the types of things you enjoy doing today that you hope to continue doing
in the future? Which of these do you expect to be part of the career you ultimately
will choose?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Personal Statement Content Test
Instructions: Take your list of Experiences. For each question, place a tally next to
your experiences that answer the question well. You may also find it helpful to add
some more content to your experience as it relates to these questions (i.e.
,document your thoughts). Your experience that answers the largest number of
these questions will likely make for the best content for your personal statement.
You may find multiple experiences score highly. You may be able to integrate
multiple experiences into your essay if you can find a way to relate them, or you can
use other highly rated experiences in other essays.
1. Which experiences tie to your Ambitions?
2. Which experiences played a critical role in forming who you are today (e.g., your
Values)? (i.e., you were a different person before the experience than you are
now as a result of going through the experience)
3. In which experiences did you take actions that displayed your highest-rated
Values and Traits?
4. Which experiences resulted in you learning something about yourself that then
caused you to take different actions in your life than you otherwise may have
taken? (e.g., you learned you enjoy helping other people, so you started tutoring
freshmen) Note: This is a critical question so give two tallies for it.
5. Which experiences are related to a topic, organization, or people that always get
you excited to talk about OR that you feel are particularly meaningful to you or
understanding who you are?

Selecting your Prompt (Optional)
Instruction: There is a prompt that works for every essay you can write for the
Common App Essay. As such, you don’t need to select the prompt before you create
your outline and write your draft; however, we find you may find it helpful as you
are building out the content and structure for your essay.
For the Common App, our favorites are #5, a Time of Personal Growth, and #6,
Intellectual Curiosity. #5 is the most popular prompt (23.6% of students) followed
by two other solid prompts – #7, a Topic of your Choice (22.5%), and #1,
Background and Identity (21.4%). We do not recommend writing #3, Challenging a
Belief, or #4, a Problem You’d Like to Solve, unless you feel you can fit in all
elements described in prompt and the Personal Statement Structures. The Common
App is 650 words, but don’t worry about the word count when writing your first
draft.
Common App Prompts
1. Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so
meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this
sounds like you, then please share your story.
2. The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later
success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it
affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?
3. Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What
prompted your thinking? What was the outcome?
4. Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an
intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma - anything that is of
personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what
steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.
5. Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of
personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.
6. Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all
track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you
want to learn more?
7. Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written,
one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Outlining your Personal Statement
You have your content selected, and I know you’re probably excited to just start
writing your draft. BUT, do your self a favor and spend just a bit more time
developing an outline for your essay. An outline will help you ensure you’re
answering the critical questions in your draft, and we find it will save you at least
one draft (students who use an outline typically need 2 drafts before they a final
version versus 3-4 drafts for students who do not use an outline).
There are two primary types of outline structures for personal statements: Journey
and Theme. You should aim to write the Journey structure if your experience is
associated with a Time of Personal Growth – i.e., there is a clear difference between
who you were BEFORE an experience and AFTER an experience. Most students will
use the Journey structure; however, the Theme structure can work very well if you
don’t have a defining experience in your life.
For the Journey structure, there are two ways to approach creating an outline – the
simple way and the multi-step way. The structures are described below along with
specific instructions on the pages following.
Journey Structure: Developed to “get the job done,” this structure focuses on a
student developing content for Before, During, and After their time of personal
growth along with a compelling introduction. It emphasizes clarity and answering
the questions admissions officers want to see related to the student’s story. This
structure works well for students who have a defining moment in their life, but
haven’t had substantial experiences that have built off of that catalyst (use the Multi-
step Journey if there are a series of experiences that build on one another).
Multi-step Journey Structure: This structure should be used when the student has
multiple experiences that build on one another. Often, there is a catalyst experience
where the student went through a time of personal growth where they learned
something about themselves or others. This initial time of personal growth (a
catalyst moment) then kicked off a series of experiences where the student acted on
what they learned about themselves or others to further themselves as it relates to
the five traits.
Theme Structure: Simple and effective, the Theme allows a student to focus on
multiple experiences throughout their life that all fit under a common theme. This
structure works well when a student does not have a single defining experience or
set of experiences that clearly build on one another. Oftentimes, the theme is related
to one or more of the student’s highest rates traits.

The Journey Structure
Instruction: The Journey structure focuses on a time of personal growth you went
through. In other words, you were one person BEFORE your experience, and you are
a different person AFTER the experience. The most critical part of your essay is the
“After,” section also known as “The New You.” If you are unable to answer these
questions in a compelling manner, you should consider writing the Theme
structure.
Note: A time of personal growth can cover days, weeks, months, or years. Just make
sure the most important parts occurred within your high school years.
Intro: Set the scene + drop some hints as to what is to come
Note: The conclusion of your essay should feel inevitable. While you don’t want to
give everything away, you also don’t want your reader thinking “where is the author
going with this essay” or “what is the point of what I just read.”
Before: Who you were before your “anchor” experience (i.e., your time of personal
growth). This will form a contrast between who you were and who you are now.
The Intro + Before parts of your essay should be about 1/3 of the length
During: The details covering what happened and the actions you took during your
“anchor” experience (i.e., your time of personal growth).
The During part of your essay should be about 1/3 of the length
After (The New You): Who you are as a result of your experience
 What did you learn about yourself from this experience? (e.g., your values)
 What actions did you take as a result of what you learned about yourself that you
might not have otherwise done? (e.g., you started tutoring freshmen) – This is the
most critical part of your essay – prove to your reader that you changed!
 How do these experiences and what you learned about yourself relate to your
future ambitions? (Optional)
The After part of your essay should be about 1/3 of the length

The Multi-Step Journey Structure
Instruction: This structure focuses on a time of personal growth and the
experiences that built upon and continued your growth. This structure will show
how you were one person before your experience, you are a different
person after the experience, and that you've gone on to have one or more important
subsequent experiences as a result of the change you saw in yourself.
The most critical parts of your essay are the steps you've taken on your journey as a
result of the initial experience, which we'll refer to as the "catalyst." If you are
unsure about your answers to the questions here, you may want use the Regular
Journey or Theme structures.
Beginning: Set the scene in 2-3 sentences. Use a critical moment that ties to the
main theme of your journey. This moment is often a piece of your catalyst, the
defining experience that led you down the path of other experiences you'll discuss.
Guiding Sentence: Write 1-2 sentences that tie your scene to what you realized
about yourself. Show how the catalyst led you down a path, and how that experience
relates to the broader theme that you'll explore.
Before: Now, rewind from the catalyst and describe your character, traits, and
mindset before you had this experience. This section will form a contrast between
who you were and who you are now. Keep this short.
Catalyst: Describe the catalyst—the experience that kicked off your journey—and
the immediate aftermath. Then, discuss the specific actions you took during this
experience. These actions will often be associated with confronting a challenge,
solving a problem, or learning something about yourself or others.
What you learned: What did you learn about yourself or others from your catalyst
experience? This needs to tie directly to the other experiences you'll include next.
Up to this point should be 30-40% of your essay.
Further steps in your journey: Next, think about what your catalyst inspired you
to do. Select one to four experiences that directly resulted from your change of
perspective. Each experience will highlight the actions you took, the impact you had
(if any), and how the experience led to further learning about yourself and others.
These experiences should be 2-4 paragraphs and 40-50% of your essay.
The New You: Describe who you are now in contrast to who you used to be.
Summarize how your experiences built off one another and what you've realized
about yourself as a result. Feel free to keep this section short.
Relate to your ambitions: How do these experiences and what you learned about
yourself relate to your future ambitions? (This is optional)
The new your and ambitions should be 10-20% of your essay.

The Theme Structure
Instructions: In the Theme Structure, you will write about multiple experiences
that showcase your highest-rated traits and help define who you are. You’ll tie all of
your experiences together under a common theme. First, you’ll start by selecting
your most compelling experiences and determining a common thread between
them: your theme. Then, you'll add to your experiences, develop an introduction,
and develop a conclusion.
Intro: Set the scene + drop some hints as to what is to come
Note: Make sure that the theme of the essay is either stated or hinted at in the intro.
You intro should be 3-6 total lines.
Middle: For each experience that relates to the theme, you’ll want to answer the
following questions.
 What was the situation?
 What actions did you take?
 What was the impact of your actions? (Use numbers if possible!)
 What did you learn about yourself?
 How does the experience relate to your theme?
Note: A good strategy is to use one paragraph per experience.
End: Wrap up by explaining why the theme is meaningful to you and provide a look
to your future ambitions (optional).
Your ending should be 3-6 total lines.

Writing Tips for your First Draft
Do these things:
 Get creative with your structure. You don't need to abide by any "rules" for
how long a paragraph needs to be or how many paragraphs you need to use.
 Use a conversational tone. Your writing style should convey your
personality and doesn't need to be overly formal. Feel free to use first person
(e.g., I, me), contractions, dialogue, quotation marks, and even occasional
sentence fragments. Make it you!
 Use simple sentences. Your reader will read your essay in 1-2 minutes. Using
overly complex language will slow them down or even prevent them from
getting your message! A good rule of thumb is to use a compound sentence
(i.e., two sentences combined with a conjunction such as and, but, or) a
maximum of once every 3 sentences.
 Keep your first sentence under 10 words. Shortness and crispness will
draw in your reader.
 Be direct. Your reader will spend 1-2 minutes reading your essay. Don't make
them work to understand what you are saying.
 Be specific. Don't just state generalities about your experience. Instead, use
specific moments from your life to get your points across.
 Answer the prompt. Many prompts have several questions within them.
These questions serve as a guide for the type of content that will make the
essay compelling. Be sure you're answering all of the questions.
 Anticipate your reader's questions. Questions will pop into your reader's
mind as they go through your essay. Make sure you answer these questions in
your essay. A good trick is to read your essay out loud after you've drafted it
(or have someone else read it), spot the questions, and answer them.
Don’t do these things:
 Write about video games, athletics (or recovery from injuries), band, art, or
theater UNLESS these topics are the essay’s scene, but the essay is about
something else such as your Values and Traits.
 Use too much descriptive language. You've got a limited word count, so
instead of using several sentences to set a scene, use a few descriptive words
to provide your reader with a just enough to help you make your point.
 Start a sentence with a long prepositional phrase—7 words is just about
the maximum you can use before it’s difficult to read. Examples of
prepositional phrases: "Next to my house," "At the town meeting," and “In
addition.”
 Start a paragraph with a prepositional phrase because these phrases
reduce the impact of the sentence on the reader.
 Use overly fancy vocabulary words. If you needed to look it up before using
it, then you probably shouldn't use it in your essay. Keep in mind the person
reading the essay is essentially who you'll be in about five years! Don't make
your reader need to "work" to understand your essay.
 Use superlative adjectives (e.g., great, amazing). They add little value to
the reader's understanding of you. Instead, use descriptive adjectives that add
more context to what you are saying (e.g., secretive, blue, box-shaped).

The Feedback Process for 1st Drafts
1. Review the paper information – the prompt, word count, and any notes from the
student that they may have provided
2. Read the essay with an eye towards content, structure, and clarity. Try to avoid
spending time marking it up while reading through it. The goal is to read it
somewhat like an admissions officer would – i.e. in 1-2 minutes
3. Spend 2-3 minutes formulating your answer to “what did I learn about this
student?” This often takes a good amount of mental effort as first drafts tend to
lack clarity
4. Think through how to make the content more compelling. Write a short
summary of what needs to be improved in the essay and why. If you feel the
student should consider writing on a different topic, make that clear here. Then,
develop brainstorming questions targeted at improving the gaps in the content
(i.e. the unanswered questions).
5. Provide a summary about the current structure and how it can be improved. As
needed, provide an example outline to guide the student to restructure their
essay.
6. Add 5-10 comments to the essay. Tie these back to your overall comments.
Highlight areas where content is unclear, content should be moved, or content
can be removed. Add sentence-level feedback and example sentences when
helpful (this will be less frequent on first drafts).
7. Write the Opening Remarks. Summarize the essay’s strengths in one sentence.
Write a one-sentence of the key issues (content, structure), and cover the main
points you will focus on in your feedback,. You may want to add a comment such
as “Note: I did not make many sentence-level suggestions on your essay as you
will likely be making some significant modifications. We’ll focus more at the
sentence-level in your next draft.”
8. Fill out the rubric.

Feedback Structure
Opening Remarks
This section consists of a short paragraph of 2-3 sentences and is not bulleted.
 One encouraging sentence about the essay’s strengths
 One sentence that identifies the key issues with the draft's structure or content
 One sentence that shows how the feedback will address these issues
 Think of this section as following this general formula: Encouragement -->
Identifying the problem --> Posing the solution.
Your Content
We use a structured approach with bullet points to help students clearly understand
the areas we are considering and the suggestions we are making. Within each area,
our feedback is highly personalized to the student and the draft. Below, we outline
the key areas you will cover in each bullet point. We don’t want you to
explicitly incorporate the questions in the feedback; instead, you will use your own
words to help the student identify what each bullet point will cover.
 What did I learn about the student? (e.g,, strengths, ambitions, values, interests)
o This bullet point will consist of 2-3 sentences that summarize the main
message of the essay, and pinpoint any specific traits or personal growth that
is coming across in the draft.
o The purpose of this bullet point is to help the student see what an objective
reader will glean about them from their draft. We feel it is important for a
writer to understand the message they are conveying, and how that message
will be interpreted by someone who does not know them. Note: do not
summarize the student's story in this section.
o Examples of ways to introduce this bullet point:
 In this essay, I learned....
 You did a great job of helping the reader understand…
 From your essay, it is clear that...
 How could the content be more compelling?
o Here, you will explain any gaps in the narrative, or reasons why the essay is
not yet compelling. Then, in sub-bullets, you'll present 1-3 customized
categories for reflection, with related brainstorming questions in each
section.
o This bullet point is intended for big-picture brainstorming questions, rather
than superficial or logistical questions.
o It is helpful to ask questions in the order that the student will incorporate
them into their draft. (E.g., “First, I’m curious about your opening scene in the
introduction--what were you feeling in this moment?)
o It is not helpful to ask broad questions like, “How do you think you could
structure your essay differently?” or “What are you trying to say?” Instead,
ask actionable and strategic questions targeted at helping a student generate
new content and details.

Your Structure
 This section identifies any structural issues with the essay.
 If the essay needs to be restructured, you should explain your reasoning here
and then provide an example outline as sub-bullet points. Most first drafts will
benefit from an example outline.
 If the essay does not need restructuring but each paragraph could use work, you
can use sub-bullet points to review the essay paragraph-by-paragraph,
 If you provide an example outline or paragraph-by-paragraph review, you
should show the writer where they could answer the brainstorming questions
by referring to the categories (e.g., "Here is where you can answer the
"Background" questions.")
Rubric
We find it’s helpful to score an essay against a rubric to help a student better
understand where their essay currently stands. The average first draft scores a 4 out
of 5 on Content, 3 out of 5 on Structure, and 4 out of 5 on Grammar. By the time a
student is to the final version of their essay, they should score a 5 on all three
dimensions (5s based on their capabilities, not compared with other students).

Example Essay: The Burrito Draft 1
Looking down, I saw the pieces of shredded pork starting to fall out the gaping
hole. The woman gawked at me from the other side of the food bar as I tried to think of
an excuse: Her choice of fillings was awful. How could she expect me to wrap over two
scoops of three-cheese queso and shredded pork without at least half the filling squirting
out? “I’m new,” I blurted, using the same excuse I had given at least fifty previous
customers.
“I can see,” she replied. An awkward silence followed, and I knew I had to save
her dead burrito. It was my second week at my summer job at Qdoba Mexican Grill, and
my lumpy, soggy burritos were a daily routine. I couldn’t understand why I struggled so
much with making burritos when I was succeeding in a tough course load. I understood
the first part of folding it like a dumpling but rolling the burrito was a whole other story.
No matter how hard I tried, the burrito would rip open, fall apart, squirt out liquid, or
better yet all three as the end result. It was horrendous. I used to cringe everytime
someone asked me for a burrito because I knew that the end result was not going to be
pretty.
This was my hardest burrito yet. Instead of freezing up and shoving the mess to
another worker like I always did before, I forced myself to continue despite her angry
glare. Quickly heating another tortilla, I transferred the contents to the lower half, so I
could save more room to roll over. After lifting the cover, I finally noticed the sogginess
was coming from the pico de gallo and beans. After draining, I tried to make it quickly,
but my heavy-handed pressure caused it to rip open. I tried again with gentle fingers, but
it just fell apart. Taking a deep breath and with shaky hands, I tried another method,
folding horizontally with firm pressure. To my delight, it stayed. Rolling the burrito, I

wrapped the orange foil over and gave it to the customer, chiming, “Thank you. Enjoy!” I
almost saw a hint of a smile on her face before she left.
That was my proudest moment all year. Since the beginning, I dreaded how the
burrito would decide to turn on me, but looking at the obstacle as a fun challenge helped
me make a burrito I could actually serve to customers. It was in no ways perfect, but who
can make a perfect burrito? Instead of thinking I couldn’t do this because of potential
problems, I changed my mindset to I will try my best and if mistakes happen, that’s just a
natural part of the process.
Just like the different burritos I have made, I will encounter many different
challenges that I will need to adapt to. Even though the bigger challenges carry greater
potential for mistakes, the reward is much greater not just for me, but for other people.
Sometimes, the whole process is just as if not more rewarding than the end product.
Working for the answer is more enjoyable than having it automatically given to me. I
never underestimate a potential challenge, no matter how small because those may even
be the hardest to stay focused on. I look at mistakes as opportunities to grow and find a
better way.
I look forward to challenges, big or small, that I will face in not just college but
life. Draining the distractions and little problems will help me overcome challenges more
easily. How can I adjust my teaching so people understand what glomerunophritis and
projectile motion are? Where does the 8 mile Kensington bike path continue? Life is
going to throw many more lumpy burritos at me, but I know what the next step will be.

Feedback Process for Revisions
Your editorial process for revisions will be similar to that of first drafts, but your
focus will shift from developmental edits to finer tuning. However, you may still
have some unresolved questions, which you can address in your feedback. As you
work on revisions, you will pay closer attention to the word limit. If you are
suggesting content-related changes or additions, provide suggestions of where and
how the student can streamline some writing to make room for additional content.
Note: You will use the first draft approach if the student’s content changed
significantly from the first draft and/or the student still has significant gaps in their
content and structure.
 Review the Paper Information and first draft  
o Read the previous draft(s) and then the feedback on the previous draft(s).
Especially pay attention to previous comments on the content and structure.
o Please follow these guidelines for revisions:
 Where possible, support the direction of the first review. We do not want
to confuse or frustrate the student by suggesting a significantly different
direction.
 There will be times when a student provides additional compelling
content that warrants a new or different direction. If that is the case,
acknowledge the previous feedback and explain your reasoning for
suggesting a new direction.
 Maintain consistency with the tone and approach of the review.
 Acknowledge where the student has made progress or taken the feedback
into account.
 Read the essay: Give the paper a read with an eye towards its content,
structure, and readability as it relates to the prompt. Compare to first draft and
note how the essay has progressed.
 Address these  areas  as bullet points in the Overall Comments section
o What more did I learn about the writer's values, thoughts, skills, etc?
 If the writer has made improvements in terms of demonstrating certain
traits, mention that here. Comment on any significant changes; you don’t
need to rehash the essay’s overall message or topic if it hasn’t changed.
o Are there any more significant questions?
 Are there any other questions to help with content development? Are
there opportunities to expand upon a topic?
o Is the essay well structured? Consider these points:
 Hook – Do I feel like I’m in the “accept” mindset after reading the first few
sentences? (i.e., is it compelling and I want to learn more?)
 Flow – Do I feel like I know where the author is headed at each point in the
essay?

 Clear Narrative Arc – The author includes stories, supporting evidence,
self-reflection, and provides an insight into the student's future (if
relevant) 
 Most revisions will not require an example outline, but they will often
benefit from a paragraph-by-paragraph breakdown. In these instances,
you will use a sub-bullet point for each paragraph, and you will provide
key strategies for strengthening each paragraph.
o Next Steps  (note – it can be one or more of these things. Make sure you
explain your reasoning) 
 Option 1: Improve focus. Highlight the one or two most compelling pieces
of content and have the student focus on developing the information to
support these areas. Mention why other content isn’t as compelling.
 Option 2: Revamp structure and flow. The structure is decent, but there
are many parts that do not flow well. Comment on how to improve the
flow of the essay so the reader knows where the student is headed at each
point in the essay.
 Option 3: Sentence-level improvements. The content and
structure is nearly there and the focus of your comments will be on
improving things at the sentence-level.
 Insert high-level comments in the essay  
o Comment on any new additions that improve the essay as a whole
o Comment on any lingering weak material, and provide an explanation and
suggestion for how the student could improve
o Tie back to comments made in the overall comments to help the reader
understand where the issues lie 
o Explain your rationale and include questions to help the author think
through how to implement your suggestions 
o Highlight areas where students should think about expanding on content or
removing content 
o Highlight any areas where a question popped up in your mind but was left
unresolved by the author (or it wasn’t resolved within a sentence or two) 
 Add sentence-level edits and example sentences when helpful 
o Example sentences 
 We do not re-write the essay for the student, but we will provide
examples of important sentences such as for a thesis statement, hook, or
topic sentences for paragraphs.
 Always explain your rationale for why this would work and encourage
the student to write their own (e.g. “This is an example sentence to help
you think through how you will use your own words to express this.”)
o Sentence-level edits 
 With revisions, you can spend more time reviewing grammar and syntax.
Help the student polish and refine the essay on the sentence-level, using
teaching opportunities.

 Check for active voice (good) and passive voice (bad) where applicable 
 Highlight sections that could be removed 
 Highlight sections for improving readability, flow, and clarity (e.g.
removing long prepositional phrases or breaking up complex/compound
sentences) 
 Write any additional overall comments on content and structure as
needed 
 Write the Opening Remarks: Comment on the changes the writer has made. Is
this essay more effective than the previous draft? Point out positive progress,
and note general areas that can still use improvement. Explain what your
feedback will accomplish – mention the main points you will cover in your
feedback and provide an overview of what the student will need to do (e.g.
where is the essay strong and weak)
 Fill out the feedback rubric

Example Essay: The Burrito Draft 2
The pieces of shredded pork starting to fall out the gaping hole. The woman
gawked at me from the other side of the food bar as I tried to think of an excuse: Her
choice of fillings was awful. How could she expect me to wrap over two scoops of three-
cheese queso and shredded pork without at least half the filling squirting out? “I’m new,”
I blurted, the same excuse I had given at least fifty previous customers.
“I can see,” she replied. An awkward silence followed, and I knew I had to save
her dead burrito. It was my third week at my summer job at Qdoba Mexican Grill, and
my lumpy, soggy burritos were a daily humiliation. I couldn’t understand why I
struggled so much with making burritos when I was succeeding in school. During
wrapping, the burrito would rip open, fall apart, squirt out liquid, or better yet all three.
This was my hardest burrito yet. Instead of freezing up and shoving the mess to
another worker like I always did before, I forced myself to continue despite the
customer’s angry glare. Quickly heating another tortilla, I transferred the contents to the
lower half, so I could save more room to roll over. After lifting the tortilla, I noticed the
sogginess was coming from the pico de gallo and beans. After draining, I tried to fold it
quickly, but my heavy-handed pressure caused it to rip open. I tried again with gentle
fingers, but it just fell apart. Taking a deep breath and with shaky hands, I tried another
method, folding horizontally with firm pressure. To my delight, it stayed. Rolling the
burrito, I wrapped the orange foil over and gave it to the customer, chiming, “Thank you.
Enjoy!” I almost saw a hint of a smile on her face before she left.
Placing second in Pathophysiology at the HOSA International Leadership
Conference was great, but my burrito accomplishment was my proudest moment all year.
My burrito was in no way perfect, but who can make a perfect burrito? Instead of

thinking I couldn’t do this because of possible soggy rips, I changed my mindset. I will
try my best and if mistakes happen, that’s just a natural part of the process.
Just like the different burritos I have made, I will encounter many different
challenges that might require a different approach. Even though the larger challenges
carry greater potential for mistakes, the reward is much greater not just for me, but for
other people. Even the smallest challenges I can never underestimate because those may
be the hardest to keep focus on. Sometimes, the whole process is more rewarding than the
end product. Working for the answer is more enjoyable than having it automatically
given to me. I look at mistakes as opportunities to grow and find a better way.
I look forward to challenges, big or small, that I will face in not just college, but
also in life. Draining the distractions and little problems will help me overcome
challenges more easily. When my Pathophysiology group members were having trouble
understanding glomerulonephritis, I found that it was too similar to other urinary diseases
and switched my written notes to picture notes. During my class camping trip, we had to
make sandwiches for forty hungry high school students waiting in line, so I turned it into
an assembly line, mass-producing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. At Kensington
Metro Park, I couldn’t find where the bike trail continued when it ended at the parking
lot, so I followed the lake. The problem that took me the longest to solve was where my
water bottle leak was coming from. No matter how hard I screwed, it would still leak
until I finally find a tiny gap between the cap and drinking hole. In college, I might have
to change my study methods especially in challenging classes like Calculus 2 and
Organic Chemistry. I am intrigued by mutations that protect the body from diseases like
HIV and want to research a possible cure for affected people. As a holistic medicine
doctor, I will have to find the small problems that are affecting the whole patient’s body
and the best treatment. Life is going to throw many more lumpy burritos at me, but I will
find a solution.

Near Final Version of The Burrito Essay (the student never sent the final)
The pieces of shredded pork started to fall out of a gaping hole. The woman
gawked at me from the other side of the counter. How could she expect me to wrap over
two scoops of three-cheese queso and shredded pork without at least half the filling
squirting out? “I’m new,” I stuttered for the thirtieth time that day. It was an excuse for
my continued failure; I had been on the job at Qdoba Mexican Grill for three weeks and
my lumpy, soggy burritos were a daily humiliation.
I couldn’t understand why making a burrito was so hard when I had no trouble
with Calculus problems and memorizing hundreds of parts in Anatomy. During
wrapping, the burrito would rip open, fall apart, squirt out liquid, or on the worst days, I
fell victim to all three. But at that moment, I mentally decided: “That’s it. I am going to
solve this problem and figure out how to wrap a burrito.”
I forced myself to continue despite the two glaring eyes that watched my every
fold. Quickly heating another tortilla, I transferred the contents to the lower half, so I
could make more room to fold over. I noticed the sogginess was coming from not
draining the beans and pico de gallo well enough, so I wiped off the excess moisture.
Then, I tried a different wrapping method: a horizontal fold. To my delight, it stayed.
Rolling the burrito, I wrapped the orange foil over and gave it to the customer, chiming,
“Thank you. Enjoy!” I almost saw a hint of a smile on her face before she left. After that
day, I continued to find little improvements in my burrito-making career and happily
helped a new worker named Jasmine with properly positioning and smearing the
guacamole and wrapping over it.
From successfully making different burritos, I learned that persistence and
studying the problem from different angles is the best approach to helping me improve. I
thought I was just naturally good at Calculus and Anatomy, but even trying a different
approach for Calculus helps me solve the problem more efficiently. Anyone can learn

anything as long as they set their mind to it. I now look at mistakes as opportunities to
grow and find a better method.
I look forward to future challenges that I might have to solve using different
methods. Draining the little problems will help me more easily create a solution. As
Health Occupations Students of America (HOSA) Pathophysiology team leader, my
responsibility is helping my team members learn about diseases and preparing them for
competitions. I used to provide written notes from the book, but I saw that many of them
struggled to understand glomerulonephritis because it is so similar to other urinary
diseases like nephritis. I decided to test new approaches to teaching the material. I
matched pictures with diseases, made a polycystic kidney using bubble paper, and played
a “Be the Doctor” game. I discovered that learning with written notes and memorization
worked for me, but that interactive learning through games provided both my team
members and me with a deeper understanding of the material. My strategy made an
impact; My team’s scores went from 60% to 90% on quizzes, and two of my teammates
placed as Finalists at the State Leadership Conference.
Burritos and HOSA taught me to look at problems with a different viewpoint and
work together with others to achieve goals. As a doctor, I may have to use different
approaches to find an underlying problem. For example, I might have to use a cardiogram
or doppler cardiography just to find a tiny clot in the heart that could be affecting the
whole body. I also need to work together with the patient to find the best treatment. Life
is going to throw many more lumpy burritos at me, but I know how to approach and
improve.

College Essay Writing Guide from PROMPT

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