Analysts are writers. Writers are communicators. To be effective, communicators need to be clear and concise, nothing less. This presentation is aimed at helping the analysts and writers review the basic principles in achieving clarity and conciseness in writing reports.

1. Editing for Clarity
and Conciseness
Quality Control Team

2. Why is Clarity of utmost
importance in writing?
 We become effective only when we are clear.
 Our reports can only become interesting if the
findings and data are clearly explained.
 We want to show our credibility and authority
as writers/analysts.
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3. Checkup Test:
Identify what makes the following sentences unclear,
and suggest how to improve the sentences for clarity
 Fewer people stay away from large
amusement parks on holidays. 
 Less attention is paid to commercials
that lack human interest stories than to
other kinds of commercials. 
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4. Checkup Test:
Identify what makes the following sentences unclear,
and suggest how to improve the sentence for clarity
 There are tweets congratulating Ita
Buttrose for winning the Australian of
the Year award. 
 Twitter – Australia is the channel with
the most buzz as tweets congratulating
Ita Buttrose, president of Alzheimer’s
Australia who was named Australian of
the Year. 
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5. Checkup Test:
Identify what makes the following sentences unclear,
and suggest how to improve the sentence for clarity
 The netizens had a discussion
concerning the unaffordability of
housing in Singapore. 
 Coach Espinoza was a brilliant
strategist, a caring mentor, and a
friend. 
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6. What strategies can help
in improving sentence
clarity?
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7. 1. Use a predictable and logical
development mode
 From macro to micro level
 General Trend  Brand Insights  Product Insights
 Industry perspective  Brand Insights  Product Insights
Examples:
(Macro trends) The spring trend that highlights mixing of neutral colors and
bright/neon hues garners various reactions from consumers. Younger netizens
consider the bright hues a positive addition in time for the season, while older
ones still want to stick to neutral shades for a natural look.
(Brand insight) Netizens regard Bobbi Brown products as investments, and most
choose to spend “a little more” for makeup products guaranteed to have better
quality. This stems from a fear of experiencing skin irritations that may be caused
by low-quality makeup items.
(Product insight) One of the most recurring concerns is related to removing and
concealing dark circles under the eyes. Bobbi Brown Corrector is recommended
for this purpose, alongside M•A•C Fast Response Cream, Tarte and Dr. Denese.
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8. 2. Use appropriate transitional words
 Transitional devices cue the readers on the relationship
between sentences.
 Examples: however, also, moreover, but, on the contrary, etc.
Examples
X “YOKA优点” generates the highest repost volume. The “瑞丽化妆品库”
attracts more reposters.
X “YOKA优点” generates the highest repost volume, while the “瑞丽化妆品库”
attracts more reposters.
 “YOKA优点” generates the highest repost volume, but the “瑞丽化妆 品库”
attracts more reposters
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9. 3. Be careful about the placement
of subordinate clauses
 Improper placement of subordinate clause interrupts the flow
of the sentence and causes confusion.
Examples
X La Mer buzz increased significantly by 291.25% due to promotional
campaigns, which were focused on its its new product, The Moisturizing Soft
Cream, on forums such as Yoka - La Mer Forum and 55bbs.com.
 La Mer buzz increased significantly by 291.25% due to promotional
campaigns on forums such as Yoka - La Mer Forum and 55bbs.com.
The new product launched in the said forums was The Moisturizing Soft Cream.
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10. 4. Prefer active over passive voice
 Active voice is easier to understand.
 Sentences in active voice are more concise.
 Use passive voice only for certain purposes.
Examples
X On Oct 28, a review of 30 brands of lip balms was posted by a popular blogger
who often shares tips on beauty products on Sina blog .
 A popular blogger who regularly shares tips on beauty products posted on Oct 28
a review of 30 brands of lip balms.
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11. 5. Use parallel constructions
 Parallel form = similar grammatical construction
 Observe parallelism when you have a series of words, phrases
or clauses in your sentence.
Examples
X The Helena Rubinstein Glitter Eye Pencil was said to be easy to use and with
many color selections.
 The Helena Rubinstein Glitter Eye Pencil was said to be easy to use and to
have many color selections
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12. 6. Avoid noun strings
 A series of nouns is difficult to understand and affects clarity.
 One way to avoid this is to change noun to verb.
Examples
X The netizens commented on the product information campaign
implementation that seemed “complicated”.
 The netizens commented that the campaign on product information which the
company implemented was “complicated”.
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13. 7. Avoid too much use of ‘nominalizations’
 Nominalization = use of noun forms of verbs
 Examples: conclusion, analysis, demonstration,
implementation, collaboration, discontinuation
 Use verbs when possible
Examples
X The collaboration between Biotherm and Clarisonic gains a significant number
of comments and shares.
X The discontinuation of membership among some consumers is due
to the increasing prices of membership fees.
 Biotherm collaborated with Clarisonic in a campaign that gains a
significant number of comments and shares.
 Some consumers discontinued membership because of the increasing prices of
fees.
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14. 8. Avoid multiple negatives
 Use affirmative forms, rather than negatives
 Multiple negatives are difficult to understand
Examples
X Aveda hair products were associated with speculations that the company tests
on animals and posts discouraged others to discontinue buying Aveda for this
reason.
(discouraged others to discontinue buying = to keep buying)
 The netizens continued buying Aveda products despite speculations that
companies test products on animals.
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15. 9. Choose action verbs, instead of be verbs
 Instead of using be verbs, focus on actions you wish to
express
Examples
X Some activities are focused on encouraging participants to share information
on their skin types, while a few are about the participants reactions to the
voice of the narrator in the newly launched television commercial of The
Moisturizing Cream.
 The campaign encouraged participants to share information on their skin
types, and to give their reactions to the voice talent on the newly launched
television commercial of The Moisturizing Cream.
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16. 10. Avoid unclear pronoun references
 If possible, avoid the use of pronouns.
 If using pronouns can’t be avoided, make sure there is no
sudden shift in point of view, and that what you are referring
to is clear.
Examples
X Users complained about the volatility of prices as they mentioned that in
Sephora you could get the foundation for €40 meanwhile in other stores like
Marvimundo and Juteco, the price was around €28 to €30.
 In a discussion about the volatility of prices , users mentioned that in
Sephora, the foundation is sold for €40, but in other stores like
Marvimundo and Juteco, the foundation costs between €28 and €30.
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17. Answers
 This sentence is confusing because of
the double negative (fewer and stay
away). 
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18. Answers
 Unclear (multiple negatives, passive)
 Suggestion:
 People pay more attention to commercials
with human interest stories than to other
kinds of commercials. 
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19. Answers
 Avoid the use of ‘there is’ or ‘there are’
 Suggestion:
 Twitter users congratulated Ita Buttrose for
winning the Australian of the Year award.

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20. Answers
 Avoid non-action words or be-verbs
 Suggestion:
 Twitter – Australia topped the channels as
netizens congratulated Ita Buttrose for
winning the Australian of the Year award.

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21. Answers
 Avoid grammatical nominalizations
 A type of wordiness in which the writer uses both a noun
and a verb when the verb alone would do the trick.
 Suggestion:
 The netizens discussed the unaffordability
of housing in Singapore. 
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22. Answers
 Observe parallelism
 Suggestion:
 Coach Espinoza was a brilliant strategist, a
caring mentor, and a wise friend. 
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23. Tips: Parallel structure
 Form parallel structure with –ing forms or gerund
 Form parallel structure with infinitive phrases.
 Do NOT mix forms.
 Mary likes hiking, swimming, and to ride a
bicycle.
 Mary likes hiking, swimming, and riding a
bicycle.
 Mary likes to go on a hike, to swim and to
ride a bicycle.
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24. Tips: Parallel structure
 Use consistent verb tense
 The teacher said that he was a poor student
because he waited until the last minute to
study for the exam, completed his lab
problems in a careless manner, and his
motivation was low.
 Parallel:
The teacher said that he was a poor student because he
waited until the last minute to study for the exam,
completed his lab problems in a careless manner, and
lacked motivation.
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25. Tips: Parallel structure
 Changing to another pattern or changing the voice of the
verb (from active to passive or vice versa) will break the
parallelism.
 The Australians discussed the advantages of placing dementia
patients in nursing homes, the importance of conducting
research on dementia, and the behavioural changes.
 Parallel:
The Australians discussed the advantages of placing dementia
patients in nursing homes, the importance of conducting
research on dementia, and the value of understanding
behavioural changes among dementia patients.
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26. Tips: Parallel structure
 Be sure to keep all the elements in a list in the same form.
 The dictionary can be used to find these: word meanings,
pronunciations, correct spellings, and looking up irregular
verbs.
 Parallel:
The dictionary can be used to find these: word meanings,
pronunciations, correct spellings, and irregular verbs.
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27. Proofreading Strategies to
help check Parallelism:
 Skim your paper, pausing at the words "and" and "or." Check
on each side of these words to see whether the items joined
are parallel. If not, make them parallel.
 If you have several items in a list, put them in a column to see
if they are parallel.
 Listen to the sound of the items in a list or the items being
compared. Do you hear the same kinds of sounds? For
example, is there a series of "-ing" words beginning each
item? Or do your hear a rhythm being repeated? If something
is breaking that rhythm or repetition of sound, check to see if
it needs to be made parallel. Source
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28. Exercises: Parallel structure
 The production manager was asked to write
his report quickly, accurately, and in a
detailed manner.
 The coach told the players that they should
get a lot of sleep, that they should not
eat too much, and to do some warm-up
exercises before the game.
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29. Exercises: Parallel structure
 The salesman expected that he would
present his product at the meeting, that there
would be time for him to show his slide
presentation, and that questions would be
asked by prospective buyers.
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30. How can we achieve
conciseness?
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31. What is concise writing?
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no
unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary
sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should
have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary
parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences
short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in
outline, but that every word tell.
— William Strunk Jr.
in Elements of Style
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32. What is concise writing?
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33. Tips in achieving conciseness
Beware of the following: And Consider the…
REDUNDANCY LEAN/CONCISE VERSION
12 midnight Midnight
12 noon Noon
3 am in the morning 3 am
Absolutely spectacular/phenomenal Spectacular/phenomenal
A person who is honest An honest person
Biography of her life Biography
Circle around Circle
End result Result
In spite of the fact that Although
One and the same The same
New innovations Innovations
Surrounding circumstances Circumstances
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34. Tips in achieving conciseness
 Avoid redundancy. Omit repetitive
wording.
 Delete unnecessary intensifiers, e.g.
really, very, quite, extremely, etc.
 Omit verbal deadwoods
 Delete over-explanations
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35. Tips in achieving conciseness
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36. Tips in achieving conciseness
36

37. Tips in achieving conciseness
 Replace several vague words with more
powerful and specific words.
 Suzie believed but could not confirm that
Billy had feelings of affection for her. [14
words]
 Suzie assumed that Billy adored her. [6
words]
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38. Tips in achieving conciseness
 Eliminate words that explain the
obvious or provide excessive detail
 The teacher demonstrated some of the
various ways and methods for cutting
words from my essay that I had written for
class. [22]
 The teacher demonstrated methods for
cutting words from my essay.[10]
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39. Tips in achieving conciseness
 Eliminate unnecessary determiners and
modifiers
 Completing the tasks by Friday is an
impossibility without some kind of extra
help. [14]
 Completing the tasks by Friday is
impossible without extra help.[10]
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40. Tips in achieving conciseness
 Omit redundant pairs and redundant
categories
large in size past memories
often times various differences
of a bright color each individual _______
heavy in weight basic fundamentals
period in time true facts
round in shape important essentials Redundant
Redundant at an early time future plans pairs
categories economics field terrible tragedy
of cheap quality end result
honest in character final outcome
of an uncertain condition free gift
in a confused state past history
unusual in nature unexpected surprise
extreme in degree sudden crisis
of a strange type
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41. Tips in achieving conciseness
 Combine Sentences.
 The supposed crash of a UFO in Roswell,
New Mexico aroused interest in
extraterrestrial life. This crash is rumored
to have occurred in 1947. [24]
 The supposed 1947 crash of a UFO in
Roswell, New Mexico aroused interest in
extraterrestrial life.[16]
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42. Examples
Draft Edited
A thread starter at the Netizens reported a gas leak in a
HardwareZone Forums initiated a train between Jurong East and
thread by reporting a supposed gas Clementi. [13]
leak in a train travelling between
Jurong East and Clementi. [# of
words: 25]
A netizen started a thread asking Most netizens complained that the
people what they thought of the MRT was slow and
country’s MRT and public transport overcrowded. [10]
system. Most netizens commented
about the MRT, complaining that it
was slow and overcrowded. [18,
13]
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43. Exercises: Rewrite the following for clarity and conciseness
Draft Edited
Our Web site has made answers
available many of the things you
can use for making a decision
on the best dentist.
Working as a pupil under someone
who develops photos was an
experience that really helped me
learn a lot.
The microscope revealed a group of
organisms that were round in shape
and peculiar in nature.
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44. Exercises: Rewrite the following for clarity and conciseness
Draft Edited
Before the travel agent was answer
completely able to finish explaining
the various differences among all of
the many very unique vacation
packages his travel agency was
offering, the customer changed her
future plans.
Imagine a mental picture of
someone engaged in the intellectual
activity of trying to learn what the
rules are for how to play the game
of chess.
The supply manager considered the
correcting typewriter an unneeded
luxury. 44

45. Answers
 Our website presents criteria for
determining the best dentist.
 Working as a photo technician's
apprentice was an educational
experience.
 The microscope revealed a group
of peculiar, round organisms.
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46. Answers
 The customer changed her plans
before the travel agent had finished
explaining the differences among the
vacation packages.
 Imagine someone trying to learn the
rules of chess.
 The supply manager considered the
correcting typewriter a luxury.
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47. References
 Improving Sentence Clarity. Purdue Online Writing Lab. Available:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/600/1/
 Parallel Form. Capital Community College Foundation. Available:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/parallelism.htm
 Strunk Jr., W & White, E.B. The Elements of Style. Available:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/7uu334v2kk9gny8/The-Elements-Of-Style-Strunk-White-4Th-Edition.pdf
 Wheeler, Kip. Grammatical Nominalization. Carson-Newman University. Available:
http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/gram_nominalization.html
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48. Thank you!
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