1. 12 Steps to Conflict Resolution
How to Get Along with Difficult Staff, Volunteers and Board Members
Ron Jensen
"In the right key one can say anything. In the wrong key, nothing; the only delicate part is the
establishment of the key."
—George Bernard Shaw
Do you have anyone in your life who drives you nuts? Maybe it is a child, a spouse, a friend,
a co-worker or a parent. Well, if you are like most people you do have one or more people
like that in your life. I want you to get a picture of that person's face in your mind as we begin
this article because I want you to think about how you apply these principles of conflict
resolution to your relationship.
These principles have worked wherever I've taught them in dozens of countries around the
world. So, think about how you can put them to work and see broken relationships become
whole!
The Word of God says, "strive to maintain the unity of faith," "be perfected in unity,"
"esteem others higher than yourself," "admonish a brother in a spirit of humility," "be
reconciled first to your brother," "if you're offended go to your brother and speak to him,"
"forgive one another," and "speak the truth in love."
From these and many more passages we see a strategy and principles for resolving conflict.
In this article I want to coach you on 12 steps to resolving conflict. First, let me give you the
12 steps in summary form and then I'll unpack them.
12 Steps to Resolving Conflict
Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.
Address your anger appropriately.
Seek understanding, not victory.
Assume the best.
Learn to share your feelings appropriately.
Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
Speak the truth respectfully.
Attack the problem, not the person. Don't use "You" statements; use "I" statements.
Deal with specific areas, not generalizations.
Seek and grant forgiveness.
Deal with conflict personally. Go to that person. Don't reprimand anyone in front of
others.
Be gentle. People are fragile.
Now, that you have an overview of the principles, let me give you a little more practical
application of these.
1. Learn to embrace and resolve conflict. How was conflict handled in your life growing
up? Did your family deal with it in a healthy way or didn't they? It's important to think about

2. this because most of us tend to respond to conflict the way our families did, or we overreact
and go to the other extreme.
The tendency is for us to react by "Fight" or "Flight." We can get abusive on the one hand or
run away, deny and hide on the other. Both of these processes are unhealthy and never
resolve conflict. Remember, the goal is to embrace conflict and resolve it.
So, what do you do? You commit to resolve conflict routinely. You embrace it the way one
fighter embraces another who is beating him to a pulp. You try to get your arms around the
conflict, evaluate it, not wasting emotional energy but letting your energy be used for positive
problem solving.
The next 11 principles will tell you how to do this.
2. Address your anger appropriately. Learn how to handle anger. First, realize that anger is
not bad. It isn't. In fact, anger is an emotion built within you in order to help you deal with
impending danger the right way.
Let me illustrate. You are driving on the freeway and a car pulls right in front of you. What
do you do? Well, you may be tempted to do all sorts of juvenile things. I sure get tempted to.
But, hopefully, I let the anger I'm feeling lead me to step on the brakes, swerve and avert a
fatal accident. You see, anger is a tool to help you.
So, anger isn't bad. A response of flight or fight, however, is NOT the right way to respond.
Instead, admit your anger and ask yourself what is causing it. Again, don't waste your
emotions by moping or screaming or being resentful. Instead, let all the emotional energy go
toward completing the next 10 steps.
3. Seek understanding, not victory. Learn to listen! That's a killer for most of us. But, you'll
never be a pro at resolving conflict unless you let go of trying to always win and focus on
truly understanding. So, keep your mouth shut and ask questions.
If you are feeling hurt by someone due to what they may have said or done, don't attack the
person but ask questions to determine what was said and why it was said. Again, don't get in
an attack mode.
Instead, try to understand the other person's perspective.
4. Assume the best. Don't jump to wrong conclusions. Instead, give people the benefit of the
doubt.
How many times have you heard someone say something or look at you a certain way in a
meeting and you thought, "She doesn't like me." What's that all about?
We so often squelch good relationships at home and at work by assuming the worst. This
especially happens when we hear that someone has said something negative about us. Hey,
don't overreact. Remember, we all get and give filtered information.
So, if you get disparaging reports about you from others, check it out. And, assume the best.
You might want to say, "The other day a mutual friend said he heard you say, or someone

3. else say, some unflattering things about me. I know how messages get confused when they
pass through people, so I wanted to check directly with you to see if you do have any
concerns and/or see any areas in my life I can work on."
I know that you may just want to deck the person. But why? First, you may have inaccurate
data. Second, if you received accurate data, you may need to do some changing. Third, at the
least, the person knows that there is accountability for saying things and most likely will be
more thoughtful the next time.
5. Learn to share your feelings appropriately. Feelings are often confusing. Frankly, most
men, myself included, seldom know how they feel. For instance, my wife Mary can say
something to me that hurts my feelings and I express anger instead of hurt. Many men react
to hurt with anger. It's easier, because anger seems to us to be about you—and hurt is about
us.
It is, frankly, a little too vulnerable for most of us "macho" guys to admit that what you said
hurt us. But, that is the fact. We are feeling unappreciated, disrespected and unloved. And,
hey, this is a two-edged sword. Women feel the same way, guys. They feel unloved,
unappreciated, undervalued.
In fact, I believe that the major problem in marriages is the inappropriate management of
anger, especially in the area of sharing our feelings. It is really not about finances, the
business, the kids, the in-laws, sex or other side issues. It is about how we feel—unloved,
unappreciated, etc.
Here's what we need to do. The next time you feel angry, you need to do the following:
Admit that you are angry. It's OK. Anger is just a warning sign.
Communicate your anger to the person in this way. Say something like this, "I have a
problem. When I heard you say ____________ the other day, I felt hurt, upset,
unappreciated (whatever is accurate) and angry. Now, I realize that this is my
problem, but I'd like to work through with you what you meant, how I can change,
and how I can make you aware of the effect your words had on me."
Give this a shot. Don't get discouraged if people don't respond well. This will always work
best when the other person has bought into these same 12 Steps as a common approach to
resolving conflict. But this will improve things even if they don't, because it is the right thing
to do.
6. Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary? Do you know how
dangerous the tongue is? It is such a little instrument—like a spark of fire—but it can cause a
huge conflagration. It can do incalculable damage though it is so small. It's much like the
rudder of a ship—so small but it can turn an entire ship.
You probably remember words a parent or others have said to you in anger. Those words just
don't go away. They result in you feeling unloved, unappreciated, unvalued. Well, you have
the same power.
So, the next time you open your mouth, remember the power of your tongue. Use these
questions as guidelines for everything you say. Ask:

4. 1. Is it true? Don't say things like "always," "never," or other words that are absolute.
Say, "in this instance," or "in my opinion," or "sometimes," etc.
2. Is it kind? Hey, think about it—we should be kind. There is never a reason to be
rude, obnoxious, offensive or harmful. It doesn't matter how horrible another person
may be. Use the old golden rule here, "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto
you." Treat others kindly just like you want to be treated.
3. Is it necessary? So often we speak just to speak. Don't do that. Say what is necessary.
One wise leader said, "Even a fool seems wise if he keeps his mouth shut." Don't be
guilty of verbal pollution. Instead, keep the verbal airways clean by saying only what
is necessary.
7. Speak the truth respectfully. You should always be truthful! That will keep you away
from practicing flight or running away, denying, or repressing conflict.
Truth is truth but much of what we think is the truth is really opinion. And each of us thinks
our own opinions are the right ones! Do the work to determine if what you're about to say is
truth or opinion.
But even if it is just your opinion, do express how you feel about a situation. You must be
truthful. People deserve to know what we are thinking and feeling.
If you don't do this you are bound to be stuck in the same cycle of miscommunication, hurt,
frustration and other elements of pain. By getting the truth, or even your perspective of the
truth, on the table you are beginning to address the real issue and can get to its root. I'll give
you more tips on this throughout this article.
While you speak the truth, be respectful. Treat people with dignity. Be kind, generous,
gracious, caring in your relationships. This is just the right thing to do. Be gracious toward
people. This will cause you not to practice flight—or demonstrate offensive, abrasive, bitter,
or abusive behavior.
8. Attack the problem, not the person. There are few things more harmful than attacking a
person's character. We do this often when we try to handle conflict. The key is our language.
Don't use "You" statements; use "I" statements.
Don't say, "You make me so mad," or "You are such a pain." Instead, use words like, "I have
a problem … when I see you do this I feel … " or "it seems to me" or "I think that … ," etc.
Remember, when you use "you" statements you give the impression that you are attacking
the person, and in some way you are. Don't back people into a corner. Instead, use "I"
statements which give the other person some room to grow and preserve their dignity.
9. Deal with specific areas, not generalizations. There are few things worse than making
overgeneralizations. Men, don't ever say to your wife, "You are just like your mother!" This
is usually not complementary in the first place, and second, it is not totally accurate.
Instead, be specific. It is one thing for me to say to you, "You are a liar!" How does that make
you feel? Probably worthless and defensive, does it not? It is too general and I am attacking
your person.

5. Instead, I might say, "The other day when we were in this meeting I heard you say ________.
This didn't align with my view of the facts. Can you help me understand the discrepancy?"
You see, there may be a perfectly good explanation. But, at the very least, I have given you a
gracious opportunity to address the real issues and clarify the problem without pinning you in
a corner.
10. Seek and grant forgiveness. These are two of the toughest things to do. It is not easy to
forgive or ask forgiveness. Let's take them one at a time.
First, forgive. Now, understand this. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Trust is
conditional and forgiveness is not. You need to forgive freely and unconditionally for three
reasons.
First, it is the best thing for you. My buddy, Nancy Dornan, often says,
"Unforgiveness or bitterness is like taking poison and hoping it will kill the other
person." You see, bitterness is like a "root" that holds you down from achieving your
own potential. It stops you from flying like an eagle. It poisons you.
Second, you should forgive because you free up the other person to seek
reconciliation and forgiveness for him or herself. You liberate people to be their best
when you forgive. You are an instrument to help others be their best.
Third, you should forgive because you are so blessed and forgiven in so many areas of
your life. Make an inventory of all the good things in your life that you don't
deserve—wealth, health, family, friends, and forgiveness itself. You have so much.
Do you really deserve it? My first prayer each morning is, "Thank you, Lord, that you
don't give me what I deserve."
I mean that prayer very sincerely. I know what I deserve and I have so much I don't deserve.
So, pass a little of that grace on to other people.
Then, learn to ask for forgiveness. I have to do this routinely because I mess up so much. I
coach people to use the following four statements. I'd memorize these and put them to work
on a daily basis. Here they are:
I was wrong to have ___________.
I'm sorry I caused you to feel ________.
I'll work hard at not doing this again.
Will you forgive me?
11. Deal with conflict personally. Too often we get frustrated and go behind a person's back
and complain or gossip about them. Don't do this. This is cowardly. Be brave. Care enough to
confront. But, do it using all the principles we've talked about in this article.
Go to that person. Don't reprimand anyone in front of others.
"What if that person doesn't respond?" you ask. Then, bring two or more people with you for
clarification. Your goal here isn't to beat up on the person but to provide clarity and
confirmation of the issues. You may be wrong yourself. Be humble, share how you feel about
the conflict and let the other person share his or her perspective. Let the others with you give
their perspective.

6. Whatever you do, don't embarrass people in public. Given them the opportunity to address
and resolve the issue in private first.
12. Be gentle. People are fragile. Remember that. Treat people with grace and kindness. They
are fragile like eggshells. The person with whom you are in conflict may seem like a hard-
hearted wretch. But, trust me. They are fragile even if hardened. So, be gentle.
Gentleness is the same word for meekness. Someone has said, "Meekness is not weakness."
And, it isn't. Meekness or gentleness means "strength under control." So think of a wild
stallion whose will has been broken but whose spirit is alive and well. You should be
dynamic, powerful and intentional. Hey, your job is to speak the truth. But, you should also
be gentle, kind and gracious.
So, have an alive spirit and a broken will under the control of the Master.
I don't have the time to tell you the dozens of stories I have of relationships that have been
reconciled by following these principles—now in dozens of countries around the world. I can
tell you that I have heard and read the stories of hundreds of people who have applied these
principles and, in tears, relayed the results of restored relationships.
Don't hold back. Be a leader and take action. I coached you through the process of clarifying
and resolving conflict. So, now start practicing connecting with those closest to you. And,
write me your stories of transformation and reconciliation as you apply these principles.
Ron Jenson is the author of 15 books, including Taking the Lead, Glow in the Dark (co-
authored with Bill Bright), The Making of a Mentor (coauthored with Ted Engstrom) and
Achieving Authentic Success. This book builds out the 10 MAXIMIZERS principles that
serve as the basis for this article. Jenson serves as a life coach to many top leaders throughout
the world. Contact him at ronjenson@futureachievement.com or visit TakingTheLead.net.
Bell and Hart's Eight Causes of Conflict
Understanding the Causes of Workplace Tension
Learn how to prevent, recognize, and manage conflict effectively.

7. © iStockphoto/Kuklev
You've just arrived at your office, which you share with a colleague, and it looks as if it's
going to be another frustrating day.
Your side of the office is neat as a pin and incredibly well organized. You always arrive at
work on time and you take care not to talk loudly when you're on the phone, so that you don't
disturb your office mate.
Your colleague, however, is the exact opposite. Empty cups and stacks of dusty files litter his
side of the office. He often rushes into the office late, and he sometimes puts the radio on
while he's working, which breaks your concentration. You love your work, but dread coming
into the office every day, simply because you don't like sharing your space with your
colleague. He drives you crazy, and you often argue.
If you thought about it, you'd quickly recognize that there's conflict between you because the
two of you have completely different working styles. Once you'd realized this, you'd have a
starting point for thinking about how you could work together more effectively.
All of us experience conflict like this at work. Conflict can be useful, since it can push
conflicting parties to grow and communicate, and it can improve conflicting ideas. However,
this can only happen if we understand why the conflict is there in the first place. Once we've
identified the root of the problem, we can take the right steps to resolve it.
In this article, we'll look at eight common causes of conflict in the workplace, and we'll
explore how you can use them to manage conflict more effectively.
About the Eight Causes
According to psychologists Art Bell and Brett Hart, there are eight common causes of
conflict in the workplace. Bell and Hart identified these common causes in separate articles
on workplace conflict in 2000 and 2002.
The eight causes are:
1. Conflicting resources.
2. Conflicting styles.
3. Conflicting perceptions.
4. Conflicting goals.
5. Conflicting pressures.
6. Conflicting roles.
7. Different personal values.
8. Unpredictable policies.
You can use this classification to identify possible causes of conflict. Once you've identified
these, you can take steps to prevent conflict happening in the first place, or you can tailor
your conflict resolution strategy to fit the situation.
How to Use the Tool

8. Let's take a closer look at each of the eight causes of workplace conflict, and discuss what
you can do to avoid and resolve each type.
1. Conflicting Resources
We all need access to certain resources – whether these are office supplies, help from
colleagues, or even a meeting room – to do our jobs well. When more than one person or
group needs access to a particular resource, conflict can occur.
If you or your people are in conflict over resources, use techniques like Win-Win Negotiation
or the Influence Model to reach a shared agreement.
You can also help team members overcome this cause of conflict by making sure that they
have everything they need to do their jobs well. Teach them how to prioritize their time and
resources, as well as how to negotiate with one another to prevent this type of conflict.
If people start battling for a resource, sit both parties down to discuss openly why their needs
are at odds. An open discussion about the problem can help each party see the other's
perspective and become more empathic about their needs.
2. Conflicting Styles
Everyone works differently, according to his or her individual needs and personality. For
instance, some people love the thrill of getting things done at the last minute, while others
need the structure of strict deadlines to perform. However, when working styles clash,
conflict can often occur.
To prevent and manage this type of conflict in your team, consider people's working styles
and natural group roles when you build your team.
You can also encourage people to take a personality test, such as the Myers-Briggs
Personality Test or Firo-B. This can help them become more accepting of other people's
styles of working, and be more flexible as a result.
3. Conflicting Perceptions
All of us see the world through our own lens, and differences in perceptions of events can
cause conflict, particularly where one person knows something that the other person doesn't
know, but doesn't realize this.
If your team members regularly engage in "turf wars" or gossip, you might have a problem
with conflicting perceptions. Additionally, negative performance reviews or customer
complaints can also result from this type of conflict.
Make an effort to eliminate this conflict by communicating openly with your team, even
when you have to share bad news. The more information you share with your people, the less
likely it is that they will come up with their own interpretations of events.

9. Different perceptions are also a common cause of office politics. For instance, if you assign a
project to one person that normally would be someone else's responsibility, you may
unwittingly ignite a power struggle between the two. Learn how to navigate office politics,
and coach your team to do the same.
4. Conflicting Goals
Sometimes we have conflicting goals in our work. For instance, one of our managers might
tell us that speed is most important goal with customers. Another manager might say that in-
depth, high-quality service is the top priority. It's sometimes quite difficult to reconcile the
two!
Whenever you set goals for your team members, make sure that those goals don't conflict
with other goals set for that person, or set for other people.
And if your own goals are unclear or conflicting, speak with your boss and negotiate goals
that work for everyone.
5. Conflicting Pressures
We often have to depend on our colleagues to get our work done. However, what happens
when you need a report from your colleague by noon, and he's already preparing a different
report for someone else by that same deadline?
Conflicting pressures are similar to conflicting goals; the only difference is that conflicting
pressures usually involve urgent tasks, while conflicting goals typically involve projects with
longer timelines.
If you suspect that people are experiencing conflict because of clashing short-term objectives,
reschedule tasks and deadlines to relieve the pressure.
6. Conflicting Roles
Sometimes we have to perform a task that's outside our normal role or responsibilities. If this
causes us to step into someone else's "territory," then conflict and power struggles can occur.
The same can happen in reverse - sometimes we may feel that a particular task should be
completed by someone else.
Conflicting roles are similar to conflicting perceptions. After all, one team member may view
a task as his or her responsibility or territory. But when someone else comes in to take over
that task, conflict occurs.
If you suspect that team members are experiencing conflict over their roles, explain why
you've assigned tasks or projects to each person. Your explanation could go a long way
toward remedying the pressure.
You can also use a Team Charter to crystallize people's roles and responsibilities, and to
focus people on objectives.

10. 7. Different Personal Values
Imagine that your boss has just asked you to perform a task that conflicts with your ethical
standards. Do you do as your boss asks, or do you refuse? If you refuse, will you lose your
boss's trust, or even your job?
When our work conflicts with our personal values like this, conflict can quickly arise.
To avoid this in your team, practice ethical leadership: try not to ask your team to do anything
that clashes with their values, or with yours.
There may be times when you're asked to do things that clash with your personal ethics. Our
article on preserving your integrity will help you to make the right choices.
8. Unpredictable Policies
When rules and policies change at work and you don't communicate that change clearly to
your team, confusion and conflict can occur.
In addition, if you fail to apply workplace policies consistently with members of your team,
the disparity in treatment can also become a source of dissension.
When rules and policies change, make sure that you communicate exactly what will be done
differently and, more importantly, why the policy is changing. When people understand why
the rules are there, they're far more likely to accept the change.
Once the rules are in place, strive to enforce them fairly and consistently.
Tip:
Although Bell and Hart's Eight Causes of Conflict provide a useful framework for identifying
common causes of conflict in the workplace, they don't explore how to deal with conflict. So
make sure that you know how to resolve conflict effectively, too.
Key Points
Psychologists Art Bell and Brett Hart identified eight causes of conflict in the early 2000s.
The eight causes are:
1. Conflicting resources.
2. Conflicting styles.
3. Conflicting perceptions.
4. Conflicting goals.
5. Conflicting pressures.

11. 6. Conflicting roles.
7. Different personal values.
8. Unpredictable policies.
You can use these to recognize the root cause of conflict between people. In turn, this can
help you devise effective conflict resolution strategies, and create a workplace that's not
disrupted by tension and disharmony.
You can learn 700 similar skills elsewhere on this site. Click here to see our full toolkit. If
you like our approach, you can subscribe to our free newsletter, or become a member for just
US$1.
Whenever two individuals opine in different ways, a conflict arises. In a layman‘s language
conflict is nothing but a fight either between two individuals or among group members. No
two individuals can think alike and there is definitely a difference in their thought process as
well as their understanding. Disagreements among individuals lead to conflicts and fights.
Conflict arises whenever individuals have different values, opinions, needs, interests
and are unable to find a middle way.
Let us understand conflict in a better way
Tim and Joe were working in the same team and were best of friends. One fine day, they
were asked to give their inputs on a particular project assigned to them by their superior.
There was a major clash in their understanding of the project and both could not agree to each
other‘s opinions. Tim wanted to execute the project in a particular way which did not go well
with Joe. The outcome of the difference in their opinions was a conflict between the two and
now both of them just can‘t stand each other.
The dissimilarity in the interest, thought process, nature and attitude of Tim and Joe gave rise
to a conflict between the two.
Conflict is defined as a clash between individuals arising out of a difference in thought
process, attitudes, understanding, interests, requirements and even sometimes
perceptions. A conflict results in heated arguments, physical abuses and definitely loss of
peace and harmony. A conflict can actually change relationships. Friends can become foes as
a result of conflict just as in the case of Tim and Joe.
A Conflict not only can arise between individuals but also among countries, political parties
and states as well. A small conflict not controlled at the correct time may lead to a large war
and rifts among countries leading to major unrest and disharmony.
It is a well known fact that neighbours are our biggest assets as they always stand by us
whenever we need them. Let us take the example of India and China or for that matter India
and Pakistan. India and Pakistan are twin sisters as there is hardly any difference in the
culture, religion, climatic conditions, eating habits of the people staying in both the countries,
but still the two countries are always at loggerheads and the reason is actually unknown.
Small issues between the two countries have triggered a conflict between them which has
now become a major concern for both the countries.

12. Misunderstandings as well as ego clashes also lead to conflicts. Every individual has a
different way to look at things and react to various situations.
Mike wanted to meet Henry at the church. He called up Henry and following was the
conversation between them.
Mike - ―Henry, I want to meet you tomorrow at 9‖
Henry tried Mike‘s number a several times but could not speak to him. Mike waited the
whole day for Henry and finally there was a major fight between them. For Mike 9 meant 9
in the morning whereas Henry misunderstood it for 9 in the evening and hence a major
conflict between the two. It is always advisable to be very clear and very specific to avoid
misunderstandings and conflicts. Any feedback or suggestion by an individual might not go
very well with other individual leading to severe displeasure. It might hurt the ego of the
other person resulting in a fight and major disagreement.
Phases of conflict
A conflict has five phases.
1. Prelude to conflict - It involves all the factors which possibly arise a conflict among
individuals. Lack of coordination, differences in interests, dissimilarity in cultural, religion,
educational background all are instrumental in arising a conflict.
2. Triggering Event - No conflict can arise on its own. There has to be an event which triggers
the conflict. Jenny and Ali never got along very well with each other. They were from
different cultural backgrounds, a very strong factor for possibility of a conflict.Ali was in the
mid of a presentation when Jenny stood up and criticized him for the lack of relevant
content in his presentation, thus triggering the conflict between them.
3. Initiation Phase - Initiation phase is actually the phase when the conflict has already begun.
Heated arguments, abuses, verbal disagreements are all warning alarms which indicate that
the fight is already on.
4. Differentiation Phase - It is the phase when the individuals voice out their differences
against each other. The reasons for the conflict are raised in the differentiation phase.
5. Resolution Phase - A Conflict leads to nowhere. Individuals must try to compromise to some
extent and resolve the conflict soon. The resolution phase explores the various options to
resolve the conflict.
Conflicts can be of many types like verbal conflict, religious conflict, emotional conflict,
social conflict, personal conflict, organizational conflict, community conflict and so on.
Conflicts and fighting with each other never lead to a conclusion. If you are not on the same
line as the other individu
INTRODUCTION: CONFLICT, CULTURE, AND KNOWLEDGE
Language explains…and language obscures. Take the word “we”: it can identify
a meaningful group, but it can also submerge important differences in assumed likeness.
“Conflict resolution” is one of those phrases denoting a category that different
people understand in very different ways. Yet many people, and many textbooks about

13. conflict resolution, assume a uniform meaning: “A process involving a neutral third
party who facilitates not the content but the form of a dialogue so that the parties to a
dispute can arrive at a settlement of their own making, to which they both/all agree.”
What is Conflict Resolution?
For the editors of this volume, and for many of the authors who appear here,
several parts of this definition are questionable.
• Is there such a thing as neutrality, and if so, is it desirable? Can a dialogue
in the midst of conflict ever be facilitated without regard to the content? Is
settlement always the most desired end to the process, or are there times
when changes to the relationships among the people involved are more
important? Behind these questions lie a thick bunch of deeper questions,
touching on matters of culture, power and knowledge:
• Who decides the meaning and definition of conflict resolution and when?
How does the meaning of conflict resolution change in different settings –
a school playground, for instance, versus a court of law, versus an Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission hearing on a matter of
discrimination?
• What happens when the work is defined by those in power (in this context,
typically the authors of textbooks and training manuals or accredited
researchers in prestigious universities) in ways that marginalize people
with crucial ideas about social change, ideas that are evident only to them
precisely because they have been marginalized?

14. ****
It was the afternoon of September 11, 2001. In the Multicultural Conflict
Resolution class, students and teacher were still in substantial shock at the morning’s
attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. They were trying to talk about
their feelings, but tempers ran high and the talk kept turning instead to what the
American response should be.
“We need to understand the reasons behind terrorism,” some students argued.
“No, we need to strike back, fast and hard!” proclaimed others. Again and again, the
teacher urged the students to return to their reactions rather than what should be done.
“How was it for you to learn of the attacks?”
Suddenly, one young man, a vociferous advocate of, “We have to retaliate!”,
stopped in mid‐sentence. “I just realized something,” he said reflectively. “Today when I
walked on campus, for the first time in my life I felt like an American.” The class looked
at him quizzically. “Every other time,” he explained, “I knew I was an African‐American,
different from almost everyone I saw around me.”
The African‐American student’s “we” had shifted in the face of an assault on U.S
territory. The white students, a majority of the campus population, assumed a “we” that
meant all members of the university community, while the young man in a minority had
a sharply different understanding of the nature of that “we”.
Whose “we” takes precedence is determined by relations of power in complex
and often subtle ways. In each of these circumstances, people may come to conflict
resolution from very different cultural experiences, very different social identities, very
different takes on what’s important, what’s true, and what’s legitimate. To discuss
culture, practice, and knowledge in relation to each other is to talk about politics.
Thus, the meaning of conflict resolution changes depending on who is asking the
questions, who is answering them and under what circumstances, and depending on
who is listening as well. Information changes depending on who has the power and who
has been marginalized – and who fits into each of those categories changes, too,
depending on contexts and moments in history.
As we use the term in this book, conflict resolution is a way of seeking change, social justice,
social responsibility, health, freedom, liberation and the elimination of oppression for all. Conflict
resolution is a way to explore the solution from inside out and outside in. We understand that
politics enter into every conflict resolution experience, but the ways in which that is true are not
always aThough Jane enjoyed working as the sales manager of Wilbey & Sons, working with
Scott, the financial manager, was a constant struggle for her. At every meeting, Scott would
take great care to explain why all her ideas were unworkable. Also, Scott was constantly
asking for sales projections and financial data from her and always wanted it in excruciating
detail. Supplying these figures was taking up a large amount of her department‘s already
packed schedule. Frankly she thought, he was nothing but a dry, negative perfectionist.
Scott, on the other hand, thought that Jane was a maverick. She always had to interrup
meetings with her harebrained schemes and whenever he asked her for the data he needed to
keep the company finances in order, she would always stall and make him have to ask her
again several times. Jane, he felt, was nothing but a happy-go-lucky, unrealistic show-off.

15. It got to the point where neither of them could stand to be in the same room together. The
company clearly suffered under this conflict between two of its key employees and
something clearly needed to be done. Fortunately the CEO had a simple but surprising
solution.
I don‘t know about you, but I hate conflicts at work. Spending my work days mad at a co-
worker, trying to avoid that person and subconsciously finding fault with everything they say
or do is not exactly my idea of a good time.
I used to be an expert at dodging conflicts on the job and I‘m here to tell you that it just
doesn‘t work! What does work is biting the bullet and doing something about it here and
now. I have seen what looked like huge, insurmountable, serious conflicts go ―poof‖ and
disappear into dust when handled constructively. I have also seen an itty-bitty molehill of a
problem grow into a mountain that threatened to topple an entire company.
You can‘t win a conflict at work. Winning a conflict ie. getting the outcome you want
regardless of what the other person wants can be gratifying, sure, but the problem is that the
underlying issue has not been solved. It will simply reappear later over some other topic.
Much better than winning a conflict at work is resolving it.
And the price of inaction is high, because unresolved, long-running conflicts result in
antagonism, break-down in communications, inefficient teams, stress and low productivity. In
short, unresolved conflicts make people terribly unhappy at work.
With all of this in mind, here are five essential steps to constructively resolve conflicts at
work. The steps can be applied to any kind of conflict between co-workers with maybe one
exception – read more at the end of the post.
1: Realize that conflicts are inevitable at work
Show me a workplace without conflict and I‘ll show you a workplace where no one gives a
damn. Whenever people are engaged, committed and fired up, conflict and disagreement is
bound to happen. This doesn‘t mean you have to revel in conflict or create trouble just for the
hell of it, but it does mean that when conflict happens it‘s not the end of the world. Quite the
contrary, it can even be the beginning of an interesting learning process. The very best and
most efficient workplaces are not the ones without conflicts but those who handle conflicts
constructively.
Particularly when a workplace is changing and new ideas are being dreamt up and
implemented, conflict is inevitable. There can be no business change without conflict. The
trick is to make sure that you also have no conflict without change, because that is the truly
dangerous thing: Conflicts that go on for years with all parties refusing to budge.
The fact that you have a conflict at work does not reflect badly on you – it mostly means that
you care enough to disagree strongly. That‘s a good thing provided that you do something
about the conflict instead of just letting it go on forever.
2: Handle conflict sooner rather than later

16. This is the single most important tip to successfully resolve conflicts: Do it now!
It‘s very tempting to wait for a conflict to blow over by itself, but it rarely does –
in most cases it only gets worse with time. I refer you to this delightful cartoon by
Claire Bretecher for an example.
90% of conflicts at work do not come from something that was said, but from
something that wasn‘t said! It‘s tempting to try and smooth things over and pretend
everything is normal. Don‘t. That‘s the most common reason why conflicts at work escalate:
Nobody does anything. Everyone‘s waiting for the other guy to pull himself together and
―just admit he‘s wrong, dammit‖. It may be unpleasant to tackle the issue here and now but
believe me, it gets even more unpleasant after the conflict has stewed for a good long while.
3: Ask!
In the early stages of a conflict the most powerful tool to resolve it is simple: Ask! If
somebody has done something that made you angry, if you don‘t understand somebody‘s
viewpoint, if you don‘t understand their actions – ask!
Do it nicely. ―Say, I was wondering why you did ‗X‘ yesterday‖ or ―I‘ve noticed that you
often do ‗Y‘. Why is that?‖ are good examples. ―Why the hell do you always have to ‗Z‘!‖ is
less constructive :o)
Sometimes there‘s a perfectly good reason why that person does what he does, and a potential
conflict evaporates right there. Also: Never assume that people do what they do to annoy you
or spite you. People typically have a good reason to do the things they do, even the things that
really get on your nerves. Never assume bad faith on anyone else‘s part. Instead: Ask!
4: Giraffe language
For more entrenched conflicts that have been going on for a while, use giraffe language. It‘s
the best tool around for constructively conveying criticism and solving conflict.
An example: You and a co-worker often clash at meetings. It‘s gotten to the point where each
of you are just itching to pounce on the slightest mistake the other person makes. You can
barely stand the sight of each other and have begun to avoid each other as much as you can.
This has been going on for a while now.
Here‘s how you can use giraffe language to adress the conflict. There‘s an invitation and six
steps to it:
Invitation
Invite the other person to talk about the situation. An example:
“Say John, I’d really like to talk to you. Do you have half an hour some time today? We
could meet in meeting room B”.
A hurried conversation at your desk between emails and phone calls won‘t solve anything.
You need an undisturbed location and time to adress the issue. And make no mistake: Giving
this invitation may be the hardest part of the whole process. It can be remarkably hard to take
that first step. Do it anyway!

17. At the meeting itself, you need a way to structure the conversation constructively. Otherwise
it could easily go like this:
The good thing about giraffe language is that the conversation doesn‘t degenerate into mutual
accusations. Without a proper structure the meeting could also go like this:
“John, why are you always attacking me at meetings?”
“What are you talking about – I don’t do that!”
“You do. Yesterday you jumped on me for suggesting that we add en extra programmer to the
team.”
“We’ve talked about that a thousand times, we don’t have the budget for more people.”
“That was no reason to stomp me and the idea at the meeting.”
“Well that’s what you did to me when I suggested that we review the project model.”
Etc. etc. etc.
Ever had one of those discussions at work? Not much fun and not very productive either!
Giraffe language keeps accusations, assumptions and mutual attacks out of the conversation
and makes it much more likely to reach a solution.
Here‘s how it goes. It‘s important that you prepare the meeting thoroughly and write down
notes to each step so you know what you‘re going to say. After each of the steps (except ii
and iii) ask the other person if he agrees with your thinking and if he‘d like to add anything.
i) Observation. Identify what you see in neutral, objective terms.
“John, I’ve noticed that in our project meetings, we get very critical of each others ideas. For
instance, the other day you suggested reviewing our project model and I jumped on you for
suggesting it, though it’s actually a necessary step. I have noticed that we’ve ended up doing
something like this in almost every meeting in the last few months. It also seems to be getting
worse. Would you agree with this description of the situation?”
This is where you describe the facts of the situation as objectively as possible. What is
actually happening? When and how is it happening? What is the other person doing and, not
least, what are you doing? You‘re only allowed to cite observable facts and not allowed to
assume or guess at what the other person is thinking or doing. You can say ―I‘ve noticed that
you‘re always criticizing me at our meetings‖ because that‘s a verifiable fact. You can‘t say
―I‘ve noticed that you‘ve stopped respecting my ideas‖ because that assumes something
about the other person.
ii) Apologize. Apologize for your part in the conflict.
“John, I want to apologize for attacking you at the meetings. It has a bad effect on the mood
of our meetings and I can see that it makes you angry. I apologize.”
If you‘re 100%, totally and utterly without fault in the conflict you may skip this step. That
doesn‘t happen too often, let me tell you, usually everyone involved has done something to
create and sustain the conflict. Remember: You‘re not accepting the entire blame, you‘re
taking responsibility for your contribution to the situation.
iii) Appreciate. Praise the other part in the conflict. Tell them why it’s worth it to you to
solve the conflict.
“I know we don’t always see eye to eye and that we have very different personalities but I
want you to know that I really appreciate your contribution to the project. Without you we
would never have gotten this far in the same time. Also the way you communicate with our

18. clients and your ability to find out what they really want are second to none and a boost to
the project.”
This can be difficult, few people find it easy to praise and appreciate a person they disagree
strongly with, but it‘s a great way to move forward. It also serves as a lithmus test: If you
can‘t think of a single positive thing to say about the other person, you may not be ready to
resolve the conflict yourself. In this case see tip 5 (mediation) below.
iv) Consequences. What has the conflict led to for you and for the company? Why is it a
problem?
“I don’t like this situation we have now. It’s making me anxious before meetings and it’s
making the meetings less productive. I also think some of the other project members are
starting to wonder what it’s all about. Jane asked me the other day why the two of us can
never agree on anything. I think this is actually harming the project. Would you agree?”
Outlining the consequences of the conflict shows why it‘s necessary to resolve the conflict. It
also helps participants to look beyond themselves and see the conflict ―from the outside‖.
v) Objective. What would be a good outcome.
“I would like for us to listen more an appreciate each others ideas more. You have some
great ideas and even if I don’t agree with an idea, I can still listen and make constructive
suggestions. Does that sound like a good goal?”
It‘s essential to set a goal so both parties know the outcome they‘re aiming for. That makes
reaching the outcome a lot more likely :o)
vi) Request. Ask for specific actions that can be implemented right away.
“I suggest that we introduce a new rule: At meetings when one of us suggest something and
the other person disagrees, we start by saying what’s good about the idea and then say how it
could be better. Also if we start to attack each other as we have before, I suggest we both
excuse ourselves from the meeting and talk about it in private instead of in front of the entire
team. Also, what do you say we have a short talk after our next project meeting to evaluate
how it went. How does that sound?”
The standard version of giraffe language has four steps and is formulated slightly differently.
What you see here is an adaptation of traditional giraffe language to the business world that is
more suited to conflicts at work.
Why is it called giraffe language? Because the giraffe has the biggest heart of any animal on
dry land (it needs to, to pump blood all the way up to its brain). The great thing about giraffe
language is that:
It gives structure to a difficult conversation
It minimizes assumptions and accusations
It focuses on the real problems not just the symptoms
It results in a plan of action – not just vague assuarances to do better
5: Get mediation

19. George, the CEO of Wilbey & Sons, wanted Jane and Scott, his sales and financial managers,
to work well together, but he also knew that something new was need to break the ice
between them. He invited them to a meeting in his office and as they sat there, next to each
other across his desk, the resentment between them was apparent – you could sense how they
were each ready to spring into action and defend themselves.
His opening took them both by surprise, though. ―Jane, would you please tell me what you
admire about Scott.‖ This was not what they had expected, and Jane needed a moment to get
her mind around that particular question.
―Well… he… it‘s… I have to say that his reports are always excellent and that his department
runs like clockwork. Also he handled that situation with the bank last month quickly and
without a hitch‖.
The CEO‘s next question was ―And Scott, what do you appreciate about Jane?‖ Having heard
the first question, Scott was caught less by surprise and smoothly replied ―Sales are up 17%
this quarter because of her last campaign and it looks like the trend will continue.And I must
say that the customers I talk to all like the new pricing structure she introduced.‖
From that moment on the mood in the room had shifted, and the three of them could have a
real conversation about Scott and Jane‘s differences and how to resolve them. Though they
never became friends, they were able to work effectively together and appreciate each other‘s
strengths.
Some conflicts are so entrenched that they can not be solved by the participants alone;
outside help is needed in the form of conflict mediation. Mediation involves finding a third
party trusted by the people involved in the conflict, and then trusting that person to help find
a solution. The mediator can be a manager, HR employee, a business coach, a co-worker, etc.
You can still speed up the mediation process by preparing for it by using the giraffe language
steps above.
What if all of this doesn’t work?
There is no guarantee that the method described here will resolve your conflict at work. It
may or it may not. But even if it doesn‘t work you have the satisfaction of knowing that
you’ve tried. You have risen above the conflict for a while and tried to address it positively
and constructively. No one can ask more of you.
One kind of conflict at work is particularly tricky, namely a conflict with your manager. With
a good manager who responds constructively to criticism, this is rarely a problem, but a
conflict with a bad or insecure manager can seriously impact your working situation and
needs special handling. There‘s a post coming next week about working with bad managers.
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