1. Silent Treatment:
Are You Being Controlled by it?
The silent treatment, also known as the "cold shoulder treatment," consists of feigned
apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose. One person displays an attitude of
complete disinterest for the spouse, as if the other person would be a complete stranger.
This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your
husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave
you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is
systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.
Typically, the abuser does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of
showing his anger by making you feel less worthy, not valued, unimportant, and not cared
about. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn't leave external
traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.
Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of
your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is
not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female
voice:
"The thing that drives me the craziest is when he has had his cooling off time,
he comes out to me and he is STILL angry and silent. He stares straight ahead
at the TV with this filthy look on his face and pretends I am not even there. Like
I'm invisible.”
"I really don't know what to do, or say. If I say "can we talk about this?" he will roll his
eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants...while I wait in despair.
I have truly lost hope. I don't know how much more I can take. When things are good
between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on... and I always
feel like it is my fault, because I don't know how and why his cold shoulder towards me
starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?"
In this kind of situation you will not realize first that you are in an emotionally abusive
relationship because there is no physical contact or harm; only the feeling of being
abandoned by him and his attention. BUT, this is also emotional abuse!
Emotional abusers are far worse than physical abusers. You can feel more pain and
sadness as the person you love banish you from his existence without closure and without
a chance of knowing what went wrong (if anything) and the possibility of reconciliation.
“Healing Emotional Abuse”
© Creative Conflict Resolutions INC
http://www.creativeconflicts.com

2. Generally, silent treatment repeats over and over again. Silent treatment is a method of
stabbing you without killing you. It murders your soul and mind for something you have
supposedly done, that you don't know about, making learning impossible.
Why the abuser uses this weapon of control over you? He does the "cold shoulder" to
avoid an uncomfortable situation, having to clarify issues with you in your relationship and
issues within himself. Probably is difficult for him to connect with you and express what
is bothering him; or he knows that his grievance against you is completely irrational and
based on his own childhood perceptions, and not in the here and now with you. In any
case, he needs to accept responsibility for his side of the problem!
Whatever the cause, it is difficult to truly understand why the victim allows this behavior
to continue. In fact, it usually happens abruptly at first, and it looks like the husband is
only silent because something is worrying him. Or is he deeply considering some issues
that he will later share with you and find solutions for? The silent treatment may last
for hours and even for weeks. Her initial confusion cannot be sustained for a long time
because this cold shoulder can continue for weeks and ends up being a comfortable
situation for him.
Relieved of the need to explain, find solutions, negotiate with the wife and be honest with
himself, the husband has found a shortcut that allows him to continue in a relationship
without facing its real challenges. He will prefer the shortcut of punishing his partner
regularly without owning his own shortcomings, so he can keep his own self image
protected without reality checks.
In this delusion, most often abusers do not realize that they are abusing someone they
think they love; they keep thinking that there is a lot of time for explanations in the
future...
For her, there is nothing much worse than the feeling of being invisible especially if the
person she loves makes her feel that she doesn't exist. Sadly, your abuser will only gain
power by her submission and her begging him to stop the cold treatment.
Generally, silent treatment leaves a lot of damage and scars. Though the cold
treatment can be finished, the inflicted damage can still lead to frustration and confusion
due to unresolved rejection issues.
The issues are typically unresolved due to her fear that she will ignite verbal abuse or
he could start another cycle of silent treatment if she voices her hurts. If this damage is
not addressed immediately or if he won't put a stop on his systematic rejection of her, it
will deepen to include suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression, eating disorders or drug and
alcohol dependency.
“Healing Emotional Abuse”
© Creative Conflict Resolutions INC
http://www.creativeconflicts.com

3. Keep in mind that our purpose for being in a relationship is to feel that we are not alone
and that we have someone to love and someone loves us back. If he makes her feel
unimportant and there is no meaning in the relationship, then he is sabotaging the core
of the same relationship he needs.
In this painful bind, she will have to consider how much she can survive without receiving
much expected loving and supportive feedback from the same person she has chosen to
be her permanent admirer. At the point where his controlling and manipulative behavior
leaves her lonely and frustrated, there is the need for a decision about what kind of future
is possible for this relationship.
Perhaps at this point in the evolution of this controlling marriage, she will need external
help, as therapy, family or friends can give, to restore her self -esteem and be able to
face life without emotional abuse.
If there is any indication of control of one partner by the other using emotional
abuse, then the whole future of the relationship is at stake. There is no
relationship that can survive the destruction of the other's self-esteem as a
means to maintain power and control.
“Healing Emotional Abuse”
© Creative Conflict Resolutions INC
http://www.creativeconflicts.com

4. If you are here, at this point in your life, and recognize yourself in the person being
controlled by unfair tactics like the silent treatment, there is help! PLEASE, don't get
discouraged yet...
Get all the information and support
necessary to overcome your situation,
recover your self esteem and be happier,
here:
The Tao of Anger,recovering From The Emotionally
Abusive Relationship
“Healing Emotional Abuse”
© Creative Conflict Resolutions INC
http://www.creativeconflicts.com