Outgoing on Command
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A talk about developing the power to chat and connect with people, delivered at WordCamp Lancaster 2016.
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Outgoing on Command
- 1. Developing the Power to Connect OUTGOING ON COMMAND Liam Dempsey
- 3. LONDON, SW19
- 5. 7 OBSERVATIONS 5 DECISIONS 13 TACTICS
- 7. OBSERVATIONS
- 8. Anything worth doing takes much effort 7 OBSERVATIONS 01
- 9. It’s who you know that opens doors 7 OBSERVATIONS 02
- 10. Networking + public speaking are hugely valuable skills 7 OBSERVATIONS 03
- 12. I‘ve worked hard to follow my dreams 7 OBSERVATIONS 05
- 13. I really wanted to be comfortable speaking to new people 7 OBSERVATIONS 06
- 14. People are amazing 7 OBSERVATIONS 07
- 15. DECISIONS
- 16. 5 DECISIONS “I can be outgoing” is just like “I’ll learn to write code” or “I’ll start my own business” 01
- 17. Admit my fear + learn to overcome it 5 DECISIONS 02
- 18. In order to connect, I need to share 5 DECISIONS 03
- 19. I like meeting new people, networking + presenting to groups 5 DECISIONS 04
- 20. Success at difficult tasks requires planning 5 DECISIONS 05
- 21. TACTICSTACTICS
- 23. Write a strategy02 13 TACTICS
- 24. Do the homework03 13 TACTICS
- 25. Set event-specific goals04 13 TACTICS
- 26. Follow-up with new contacts 05 13 TACTICS
- 27. Rely on your anchor06 13 TACTICS
- 28. Leaving the house is the hardest step 13 TACTICS 07
- 30. Believe in yourself09 13 TACTICS
- 31. Separate who are you from what you do 10 13 TACTICS
- 32. Have an elevator speech 11 13 TACTICS
- 33. Have questions + ask them 12 13 TACTICS
- 34. Talk about non-work activities + interests 13 13 TACTICS
- 35. 7 OBSERVATIONS 5 DECISIONS 13 TACTICS
- 36. IT’S A MARATHON
- 37. PROGRESS MATTERS
- 38. KNOW YOURSELF
Notas do Editor
- It was August 6th 2002. I stepped off a plane at Heathrow Airport in London. The first step off that plane signaled the achievement one of my longest held and most dear dreams: I had moved to Europe. Ever since I was a teenager, I had wanted to live in Europe. The history and the beauty of it all had mesmerized me for more than a decade. And finally, on August 6, 2002, I was able to call Europe home. I was ecstatic. I was thrilled at the adventure that lay ahead of me. This life’s dream had become a reality!
- Yet within only a few months of arriving, I had become deeply fearful of interaction with others. I was struggling to convince myself to leave my flat in southwest London. My wife and I were living in a lovely, green, leafy corner of London just a short walk from the Wimbledon tennis courts. Yet, I had struggled to find meaningful employment in London and my self-esteem took a massive hit because of that. It got really bad. At the worst of it all, I was standing in the living room of the apartment, talking with my wife about it. I remember my argument as to what my new approach would be: “Why do I ever have to leave the flat? I can just work from home. People could email me work and I could stay home. If I ever want to see people, I could simply look out the front window as they walk by.” Yes, it had come to that.
- And yet, here I am today. In front of you, a room filled with many people who I don’t know and I am boldly sharing my thoughts and ideas on how to overcome the fear of public interaction, the fear of failure and all the self-doubt that comes with that. How did that happen? How did I learn to be outgoing and self-confident when I need or want to be?
- The simple answer is that through a series of observations, decisions and tactics, I have developed a method that helps me overcome my self-doubt to engage with people in public. Over the years, I’ve spoken with so many people about this - with my employees, with people in the WordPress meetup that I’ve run for almost four years, with friends and family, and more. I know my approach helped me, it has helped others and it can help you too. Today I am going to share with you seven observations, five decisions and 13 tactics that can help you develop your own “outgoing on command” powers. Maybe every detail won’t be of value to you, yet somewhere over the course of these 30 minutes, I’m confident that you’ll hear something that resonates with you, that strikes a chord with you and that gives you what you need to make progress in your own efforts to be "outgoing on command".
- What do I mean by "Outgoing on Command”? What’s the context for that? "Outgoing on Command" is all about overcoming our own fears and uncertainties to connect with people. It’s about creating a mechanism through which we enable ourselves to interact with others in a way that will bring us joy, happiness and satisfaction. It’s a way to prepare for the daily interactions of life – to be brave enough to step outside of our homes and face the world. What I’ll talk about today applies to networking, public speaking, talking to new or existing clients or even just meeting new people - both inside and outside of work. I’ll use those words and phrases interchangeably this afternoon, so you should feel free to hear whatever word works best for you. Make the messages I am sharing your own.
- Let’s start with some observations. I need to be clear: these observations that I’ll share are the result of an increasingly self-reflective life. They are not the result of a single brain storming session or meditation. They are the culmination of about 20 years of me developing an increased sense of self-awareness and a deepening desire to improve myself in every possible way. Moreover, the observations that I'll offer are those which I think are the most important to my approach for being "Outoing on Command". The most valuable. The most fundamental to developing your own robust "outgoing on command" skills. There are certainly other observations which contributed to the decisions and tactics that I’ve made over the years, but these observations that I’ll get into now are the most pivotal. Most of my observations won’t be new to you. I didn’t think them up. Some are very personal to me, but I think you’ll relate to them too.
- While I consider myself an intelligent and reasonably capable person, I am far from gifted at anything. The successes that I’ve achieved in my life took a lot of work. The important goals, the big challenges were never solved easily. That was more than likely to hold true as I tried to become more comfortable with myself in public.
- I graduated college from a Top 25 university in three years. Yet, when I went to apply for jobs in London, I quickly discovered that no one had heard of my alma mater. No, it wasn’t Harvard or Yale, but it was a Top 25 school. And I graduated in three years. Yet because no one had heard of my school, my professional credentials didn’t speak for themselves. There was no connection with my college and so there was no interest in what I knew. They didn’t know me or my college. Let me share a counter-example of how knowing someone opens those doors. Before I landed a job in London, I spent an afternoon site-seeing. I stumbled upon a big, impressive church. I went inside, interested by its architecture. Once inside, I realized it was a Catholic church. So, as I’m Catholic, I took the opportunity to go to confession. While in the penalty box (as I call it), I explained to the priest that I was struggling to find a job. He asked me what I did. I said I was a designer. He offered to put me in touch with an organization that could use my help. That introduction turned into the biggest client I ever had and enabled me to build websites, design museum exhibitions, produce amazing events, travel to Africa, be invited to events in the Houses of Parliament and more. And it all started because that priest opened a little door for me.
- In the more than 20 years of my professional life, I have seen how personally and professionally valuable it is to be able to chat comfortably with strangers. Especially in the work place, networking is how doors are opened and opportunities fall into our lap. On a personal level, meeting new people and getting to know them is how we build our support networks. My next few observations are more introspective. More personal.
- My existence as a human being makes me invaluable, regardless of my knowledge, experience or skill set. The mere fact that I exist means that I have value. I am worthwhile. It’s up to me to build my instrumental value, but at the very least, I possess a deep, intrinsic value. If that’s not something you’re heard before, if that concept is new to you, it might seem a little jarring. But that’s okay. Think about it. Ponder it. See if you agree.
- This observation is really two-fold. First, I appreciated that I have worked hard. While my background is one of real privilege, I have worked hard to build myself from that platform. Hard work does not scare me. Quite the opposite: hard work towards a desirable goal spurs me on. It drives me forward. Secondly, I have dreams. I have dreams. There are real goals and visions of success that I want to make a reality.
- The more I thought about it, the more I came to appreciate that I didn’t enjoy struggling with meeting new people. Being an anxious wallflower in a public setting was tough for me. Those monsters of self-doubt made for hours of discomfort. Becoming more relaxed and at peace with myself in public was something that I really wanted. This next observation that I’m about to share is the result of those times when I had ventured out my shell and engaged in conversations with new people.
- People are like books: never judge a book by its cover. In more times than I can count, I’ve been astounded by the experiences, stories and challenges that someone who I had just met shared with me. If I hadn't overcome my inability to chat with those people, I would never have known their stories.
- So, those major observations were the start of what led me to make a series of important decisions. Most of these decisions build on each other. And just like my observations, these decisions didn’t all happen at once. Nor did they always come to me clearly. They took time to develop. To germinate and to grow.
- The human mind is a powerful tool. I decided that I could choose to become better at speaking in public. At times, I thought of the decision as no different than “I will eat that apple” or “I will go for a walk.” And so, I decided to overcome my fear of meeting new people.
- Flowing from that decision to be more outgoing in public, I had to acknowledge that I actually was afraid. I was worried that I wasn’t good enough, that I wouldn’t measure up and that I had nothing of value to add - or not enough of value to add. Yet given my observations about my own self-worth – because I am human – I was able admit to myself that I was afraid and I decided to figure out a way to overcome it. I decided to move beyond the fear that paralyzed me.
- Sharing can be hard. It would open me up. It would make me vulnerable. Yet if I wanted to connect with people, to build relationships, I would need to tell them about myself. I would need to share my thoughts, my opinions, and my experiences. Yes, sharing would potentially expose me to ridicule, but it is the only way to get better at meeting and connecting with people. I decided to accept my vulnerability and share of myself. Now, if "Outgoing on Command" was a martial art – and it’s not … but if it were – then being vulnerable in public would be one of the more advanced techniques. I hadn’t even really considered “vulnerability" until 2012 when my son was diagnosed with sensory processing challenges. The turmoil of figuring that out, learning how to adapt to it and support my son and my family was a huge challenge. For me. For my wife. For my daughter and, of course, for my son. That difficult process – which last more than a year, and which in many ways is an on-going process – included a hugely powerful retreat weekend at my parish. Through that learning and retreat, my eyes were opened to the value of sharing with others at a deeper level. That which pains me also pains others. That which overwhelms me also overwhelms others. There is an avenue of deep human connection through shared pain. Conversely, shared joy is also an avenue of deep human connection.
- This is pretty much a “fake it till you make it” mantra. To want to work on getting better at public speaking and at networking, I had to want to enjoy it. By telling myself over and over that I do enjoy meeting new people, over time, I came to believe that. And I can honestly tell you that I really do enjoy it now. I love networking. I am thrilled to be standing here in front of you today. I love meeting new people.
- Going back to my first observation about how much hard work this was going to take, I decided that to develop "outgoing on command" skills, I needed a plan. What shape the plan took I’ll get into in a bit, but the important decision was that I needed a plan and was going to create one.
- So, there. Those are my big decisions. Those key choices are what drove me to break out of that shell. They continue to push me forward. Tactics. What about tactics? How did I convert – and how do I continue to convert – those observations and decisions into something actionable? What did I do that worked? What shape did my plan take?
- If I was going to go out into the big, bad world, then I needed to have a support network. A grounding that would protect me when I needed protecting. That would pick me up and dust me off when I had been knocked down. Or maybe just hold me quietly when I needed that. My strongest anchors are these, in this order: God, my wife, and now our two children. Beyond that, I have a small group of close friends who I know will always have my back – but who also know and love me enough to honestly and supportively remind me of my faults and shortcomings. This tactic is the biggest and most important of them all. If we can properly anchor ourselves, we’ll go a long way to building that confidence we need to interact with others in public.
- Slipping into practical steps, I had to write a strategy. I started with pen and paper. In a notebook. I then typed up the strategy. And I reviewed it. And I studied it. And I amended it. Then I began to implement it. And I review and update it every year, typically between Christmas and New Year.
- Networking and the confidence to speak to people whom we want to meet requires preparation. Before you’re in a position to bump into that designer, do some homework on him. What’s he working on? What he has talked about on Twitter? Where is he working? What are his hobbies? Knowing his recent successes and what matters to him will give you great material to talk or ask about.
- I like quick wins. I like the momentum I get when I set short, realistic and achievable goals. For me, I set goals at every opportunity. Tonight, when I go to that meetup, I will introduce myself to two people and I will find out something memorable about both of them. Or maybe my goal this weekend is to meet four specific people who have amazed me on Twitter. Be specific.
- Relationships take time to develop. If we’ve been bold enough to make a connection in the first place – introducing ourselves to someone new – then by all means go the next step by following up with a tweet, an email, a LinkedIn connection, an invite to coffee … anything! The idea is to remind that person who you are and in what context you met. That way, the next time you bump into them, that initial conversation won’t be so scary. Those tactics are all cold, planning-focused steps. They are the easy ones. We can take those steps in the comfort of our own homes or in our favorite cafes where we feel at home. But what happens when the day of that un-conference arrives? How do we work ourselves up to actually leave the house?
- Keeping-up our self-confidence can be tough. There are all sorts of factors that can ding our self-belief. Remember to turn to your support network for help. Tell your other half what’s worrying you. Ask your friend to call you the night before your talk, to help you calm down and to get a good night’s sleep. Make a point to meet for coffee with a trusted colleague before you arrive at that WordCamp. When I need it, I turn to my wife and children for support. They encourage me and boost me up. For me, an extra prayer or two doesn’t hurt either.
- So, yeah, leaving the house is hard. For me, it’s really the hardest step. Even yesterday, when I was starting to get ready to head out here to Lancaster, I was asking myself: do I really want to go? I bet they have a few back-up speakers. I could just send my apologies. They’d understand. Right? But once I actually climb into my car and close the door, put the seat belt on, I feel better. I’ve committed to going, so the rest will be easy. Now what? As you head towards that meeting or wherever, spend some time working through these next steps:
- You are valuable. You are a wonderful creature and your have incredible contributions to share with your community – with the world!
- You work hard and you have dreams. Those dreams will be a reality when you work hard to make them so. Your dreams and your work to achieve those dreams will give you big boost.
- You may be a freelance web developer, but that’s not who you are. You may love your job as a front-end designer, but that’s not who you are. You’re a boyfriend. You’re a wife and a sister. Yet those are not who you are. They all feed into who you are, for sure, but you are much bigger and more complete than any one aspect of your life. Knowing who you are will help reinforce your self-confidence – and will reduce your fear of “I know so little code” or “I just got into web design”. What you do at work pales in comparison to who you are. Be who you are. We made it out of the house, into our car or onto the train. Yeah! We rightly feel exhilarated by our success in getting out of the house and our confidence is increasing. When we finally arrive at that WordCamp, we’re excited to step up the registration table. Moments later, panic! We find ourselves in a hallway and that developer we really wanted to meet is right there, walking right towards us! There is no one else in the hallway. She looks friendly enough. Do you think she saw us? Can we just melt into this wall? What tricks can we prepare to make that in situ moment easier? What can you do in advance that will help you overcome that immediate and ever-so-paralyzing fear?
- I know, I know. That sounds so cliche, right? But let me ask you this: have you ever introduced yourself to someone new and then a few moments after that awkward conversation found yourself in the restroom wondering …"What did I just say? Did I really call myself that?!? I never use that word, much less, use it to describe myself!" Think about how would you have liked to introduce yourself. Spend some time refining that language. Then practice it aloud to make sure it sounds right. Repeat it until you know it by heart. Not verbatim, but so that it becomes natural and convincing when you say it. Have an elevator speech.
- If you’ve done your homework, then you’ll have questions that you want to ask that marketing professional. You’ll have thoughts to share with that developer. You’ll have ideas to run past that designer. In your plan, you set down questions that you wanted to put to those people. Now ask them! What about people that we just meet? We don’t know anything about them, so we won’t have our pre-written questions ready. Have a few “off the shelf" questions that you can throw at anyone: What brings you here today? What keeps you busy when you’re on the clock? Tell me something about yourself that I should know. You can even use the shared experience of listening to a talk as a way to chat: Wow! That was a powerful presentation. What did you think of it? Hey, thanks for asking that question. I was wondering the same thing. What did you think about her answer? Those of you who know me would probably agree that I am a pretty quirky guy. Weird even. I embrace that and my “off the shelf” questions reflect that. That’s okay. It’s me, being comfortable being me. You need to work on you, being comfortable being you. By having a few generic questions that you can rely upon, you don’t need to fall back on “Where do you work?” We can take a more engaging, personal approach.
- Work is the default language of networking. For those not feeling overly confident about their professional skills, networking can be a daunting task. Let’s make it easier for them – and for ourselves – by talking about outside of the office interests and activities. “What keeps you busy when you’re NOT on the clock?” “What kind of music do you listen to?” Anything really to take the focus away from “what you do” and shine it on “who you are.”
- So, those are my key observations, decisions and tactics.
- Getting to the point where we are "outgoing on command" is not a short process. It’s not a sprint. It’s a marathon. It will take a lot of time and effort. Yet just like our marathon training efforts, we will begin to see progress sooner rather than later if we train consistently. That first 1-mile run. Getting to a 10:00 minute mile pace. Our first 5k. We’ll experience these as we work to progress our "outgoing on command" powers: a rewarding conversation with that developer we saw in the hallway, the opportunity to deliver a technical talk at our local WordPress meetup, a friendly conversation that we had with the owner of the agency where we want to work.
- Trying to rush to the top of that mountain, or to finish the marathon on our first training run won't end well. So too with building the confidence to connect with others. Baby step it! The way forward is steady progress. The pace of that progress is much less important than the fact that we are working hard towards that goal and making some progress. Progress is the measure; pace is not important.
- Of course, we need to check our heads here. I think we can all agree that self-confidence is cyclical. It certainly is for me. We all have our ups and downs: even the most accomplished athletes question themselves from time to time. The very same is true of us – we’re human after all. To help protect ourselves from the roller coaster of self-confidence, we need to be able to recognize when we’re down. And equally important, we need to know what steps we can take – perhaps with help from our anchors – to get out of that self-doubt funk. For me, my quickest fix is a run. Indoors or outdoors. 3 to 4 miles. With headphones on and music pounding in my ears. That doesn’t always completely remove the self-doubt, but at the least, it restores a healthy perspective for me. It enables me to get focused and positive again. Be sure that you know what works for you!
- By this point, you’re probably wondering, “What about WordPress?” Didn't his talk description specifically mention "especially with support from the WordPress community”? Well … I just chucked that “WordPress” stuff in to get this talk approved by the organizers. Just kidding. My approach to self-confidence in public interactions began before I starting getting into WordPress. Yet, when I began to explore with the WordPress community back in 2010, I found that this community really is different. It’s hugely welcoming. It’s openly supportive. By and large, it lacks the overwhelming egos that can make jumping off the cliff of networking such a daunting prospect. So, take advantage of this warmth. Take a risk with these kind people. Open up and be vulnerable in front of them. You won’t be sorry that you did.
- My name is Liam Dempsey. I’m a designer and marketing consultant. My company, LBDesign, works with clients in the US, UK and beyond. Thank you very much!