With the heightened awareness of bullying in today's world, it's hard to know how to support our children.  What is the difference between everyday conflict and bullying?  How do boys and girls experience aggression differently?  How do identifiers like sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, ability, and socioeconomic status affect aggression?  Learn about different types of aggression and practical tools in responding to conflicts and bullying.  

1. Mercer Island Parent Edge
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Beyond Sticks and Stones:
Helping Youth Navigate Conflict and Bullying
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2. About Seattle Girls’ School
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3. Agenda
• Conflict versus Bullying
• Gender, Bias, Conflict, and Bullying
• Alternative Aggression
• What Can We Do?
• Questions
• Resources
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4. Definition of Conflict
• A clash between two
individuals or groups
• A disagreement or
argument about
something important
• Etc.
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5. When It’s Bullying
• Power is uneven
• Intent to harm
• Repeated and
sustained
• Efforts to hide from
adults
• Advocacy not
changing behaviors
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6. Types of Bullying Behavior:
and common characteristics of their perpetrators
• Traditional Bullying
• Clueless Bullying
• Bully-Victim Alternation
• Popular Bullying
• Being a “Facebook Thug”
The agent generally has less empathy,
patience, caring, and forgiveness for others.
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7. Common Characteristics or Behaviors of
Youth Who Are Bullied
• They are more sensitive, unhappy, cautious,
anxious, quiet and withdrawn than other youth.
• They are generally insecure and non-assertive, and
react by withdrawing when targeted by other students
(rather than retaliating or asserting).
• They exhibit sudden change in behaviors: showing
signs of depression, not eating, cutting, letting
themselves go, losing interest in favorite things,
quitting teams, etc.
• They may be embarrassed to admit being bullied.
They may blame themselves or feel guilty.
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8. Gender Differences
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9. Brash
Troublemaker
Strong
Competitive
Physical
Silent
Clever
Mistake-Prone
Belligerent
Intuitive
Well-Behaved
Delicate
Cooperative
Emotional
Verbal
Pretty
Perfect
Nice
Gender Bias
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12. Special Considerations for Girls
Sexy --- Slutty
Powerful --- Bitchy
Smart --- Bookish
Cheerful --- Uncool
Confident --- “All That”
Athletic --- Jocky
Close to Friends --- Lesbian
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13. Special Considerations for Boys
Do Not Be Weak.
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Be so, and you will be likened to
a girl or you will be called gay.

14. Gender, Bias, Conflict, and
Bullying
• Source of Power
• Worst Labels
• Who Bullies?
• Who is Bullied?
• Social Collective
• Abuse and Aggression
• Outliers of Victims
• Signs of Cry
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15. Direct Aggression
• Angry, Hurtful
Words
• Physical
Fights
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16. Alternative Aggression
• Relational Aggression
• Indirect Aggression
• Social Aggression
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17. Relational Aggression includes acts that
“harm others through damage (or the
threat of damage) to relationships or
feelings of acceptance, friendship, or
group inclusion.”
Relational Aggression
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18. Indirect Aggression allows the
perpetrator to avoid confronting the
target directly, making it seem as
though there is no intent to harm.
Indirect Aggression
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19. Social Aggression
Social Aggression is intended
to damage self esteem or social
status within a group.
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20. Process Break
How are your young people
experiencing conflict and
bullying? What are the
greatest pressures facing
them? How do they currently
handle conflicts?
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21. So What? Now What?
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22. Distinguish Conflict and Bullying
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23. When It’s Conflict…
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24. D.E.A.R.
Self Advocacy
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25. D.E.A.R. Self Advocacy
• Describe – Describe actions or words without
judgment.
• Explain – Explain the impact of those actions or
words.
• Affirm – Affirm the person or relationship. Assume
positive intent.
• Request – Request different actions, request an
apology, etc.
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26. V.O.M.P. Conflict Tool
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27. V.O.M.P. Conflict Tool
• Voice – Each person has the opportunity to VOICE their feelings
and experience of the conflict using “I” statements. The other person
LISTENS before sharing their experience.
• Own – Each person takes ownership of their piece in the conflict.
“Here’s my contribution to the mess.”
• Mile – Each person “walks a mile” in the other person’s shoes
and tries to see the conflict from the other person’s perspective.
• Plan – Both people work together to make a plan for moving
forward. What can we do so this doesn’t happen again? What will we
do differently next time?
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28. When It’s Bullying…
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29. Bullying Intervention
• Know when it is
bullying
• Stand up for
yourself
• Ask them to stop
the behavior
• Seek healthy
support
• Tell an adult
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30. Empowering the Bystander
Many bullying programs center around
agents and targets. Why not address
the 60-70% who are bystanders?
• Keeps the focus away from blaming the
targets or agents.
• Cover backstage spaces where only kids
are allowed.
• Create a mass of empowered allies and
shift the balance of power
• Create a new path of least resistance.
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31. Ally Skills
• Don’t bully
• Speak up when someone else is being bullied
• Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that
assumption make you silent
• Ask questions to clarify and to educate
• Don’t make the person who is bullying into someone
who is getting targeted
• Actively include those who are easily left out
• If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an
adult at school or at home
• Keep the climate healthy
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32. Teach Digital Citizenship
• No Digital Conflicts!
• The Face Test – would you say it to their face?
• The Headline Test – would you want it broadcast?
• The Digital Self – are you the same person online?
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Instagram photo by talk2spirit

34. Advice for Schools
• Policy - A comprehensive anti-bullying policy that enumerates
sources of bias and that includes alternative aggression.
• Programming - Training for teachers and staff on bullying
and bias. Support for teachers and staff in acting to
combat bullying and bias. Self-esteem, conflict
management, and community building programs and
curricula for students.
• Practice - Consistent and meaningful follow-through in
dealing with acts of bullying and bias. Coverage of
unsupervised spaces where bullying occurs most.
• PEOPLE - Critical mass of people who are supportive AND
active on all levels.
• PECUNIARY- Resources – Time, people, money, etc.
EMPOWER THE BYSTANDERS!
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35. Undoing Systemic Problems
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36. Questions and Comments
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37. Resources
• Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the Gap,”
Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003
• Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social
Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion
• Emily Bazelon, Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and
Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy.
• “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District,
http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf
• Joe Feagin, “The Two Faced Racism.” White Privilege Conference.
Springfield, MA. April 2008.
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network)
www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference.
• Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org,
http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html
• Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of
Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine,
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=14430
7&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958
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38. Gender Specific Resources
• The Boy Game, short film and interactive website.
• JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and
Courageous Daughters
• Jackson Katz, Tough Guise
• Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in
America.
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early
gender differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.”
• Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent
Girls
• Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out.
• Michael Thompson, Raising Cain.
• Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your
Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of
Adolescence
• Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, Promiscuities.
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39. More Resources
• “101 Ways to Combat Prejudice.” Anti-Defamation League
http://www.adl.org/prejudice/default.asp
• Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers,
http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf
• Hafner, Lauren. “Bullying Report: How are Washington State
Schools Doing?” Safe Schools Coalition. December 2003
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/bullyreport/bullyreport12-
03.html
• “House Bill Report - SHB 1444, Washington State” Bully Police
USA http://www.bullypolice.org/wa_law.html
• “Ten Ways to Fight Hate.” Teaching Tolerance
http://www.tolerance.org/10_ways/index.html
• “Washington State School Safety Center.” Office of
Superintendant of Public Education
http://www.k12.wa.us/SafetyCenter/HarassmentBullying/default
.aspx
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40. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
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