1. The Journey Through
Healing To Thriving

2. 2013 CORE is about Thriving
We have been through disillusionment & suffering
We have redirected our marriage through the
Weekend and the Post Sessions
Now we shift focus from where we’ve been to where we
want to go

3. “Thriving”
“... prosper, grow vigorously, flourish ...”
Not ‘peaceful coexistence,’ or “lived happily ever after on autopilot,’ but ...
‘continuously bring an abundance of what we
value most into our relationship & family life.’

4. signs of thriving
Friendship with spouse
Enjoyment of spouse
High levels of:
Good sex Low levels of:
Mutual protection
Mutual support
Intimacy
Spirituality
Antagonism
Boredom with spouse
Sexual alienation
Insecurity & disloyalty
Emotional abandoning
Emotional alienation
Moral erosion

5. 2013 CORE Intent
Share knowledge and skills that can do two things:
accelerate our transition to thriving, and
work reliably for everyone who is willing to do the “5
yagaddas”
• yagadda wanna
• yagadda know how
• yagadda use what you know
• yagadda notice how well you are succeeding
• yagadda be flexible & change until you get it
right

6. yagadda wanna
Motivation is a skill that we are each responsible for.
(Incentives are merely external inducements.)
Fear motivators: negative but temporary, because we either get used to it (& ‘blow
it off’) or find ways to avoid what we fear.
Incentive motivators: positive but temporary, because we either need ‘more’ to
stay motivated or we give up on earning the incentive. Further, many adults regard
incentives as condescending.
Internal values motivators: positive or negative, and long-lasting. The kind that
powers us forward to thriving.

7. yagadda Know how
Be open to learn new ways of doing things that we
have done differently for a long time.
Discipline ourselves to follow the steps and do the
work.
Practice well. Practice only makes ‘permanent’;
perfect practice makes ‘perfect.’

8. yagadda use what you learn
It’s true: use it or lose it.
Usually this means that we have to both ‘take’
opportunities when they’re available, and ‘make’
opportunities when that’s needed.
It’s OK to ‘have your head in the book’ until
you have the book in your head. Follow the steps
until they are second nature to you.

9. yagadda notice how you’re doing
Turn on your mental “self-observer”
Notice both:
what outcomes you are getting, desired and not
what actions & statements of yours those outcomes are related to
Adopt two attitudes to help you stay objective:
The meaning of what I said or did is the result it gets from my spouse.
“It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s how we’re interacting.”
“I will change to a more useful way of doing this.”

10. yagadda be flexible & change
... if what you are doing is not working well.
When you know more than one thing that can be
done (no knowledge deficit), and .....
when you know how to do more than one thing (no
skill deficit),
... then any barrier to changing what you’re doing is
probably due to limits in your self-image’s
“comfort zone.”

11. A distinction
“Limitations” means real-
world limitations, such as ‘I
can’t flap my arms and
fly,’or a deficit in a skill set.
“Limits” means non-real-
world, learned restrictions
that I have accepted - the
‘flea jar’ idea.

12. Self image sets the limits
of our “Comfort zone”
of our “Comfort zone”
We have a self-image for each important area of our life,
and each may be in incompatible with the others.
Expanded Self
Image
The cover on the flea jar
Comfort Zone is the learned limits of our
self-image.
Learned limits Self
Image
“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

13. How learned Limits work
When we are outside of our comfort zone, our brain
gives us dis-comfort, or distress, signals until:
we move back into our comfort zone, or
we learn to adapt constructively,
regardless of whether or not our self-limits are rational
or healthy.
“Man is an animal that can get used to anything.” - Nietzsche

14. We also affect spouse’s self image
“Treat people as they are, and they remain that way.
Treat them as though they already were what they can
be, and you help them become what they are capable of
becoming.”
— Goethe
“That’s not like you; what’s going on?”
versus “There you go again!”

15. So, the point is ...
... become really competent at the attitudes and
behaviors that bring you what you value in life - and that
usually means stepping outside of your comfort zone.

16. 2013 CORE Intent
Share knowledge and skills that:
accelerate our transition to thriving, and
work reliably for everyone who is willing to do the
“5 yagaddas”
• yagadda wanna
• yagadda know how
• yagadda use what you know
• yagadda notice how well you are succeeding
• yagadda be flexible & change until you get it
right

17. The assumptions
1. We’re all here to be an active ‘learning community’,
not passive viewers looking for “tips.”
2. The presentations are to offer information; we’ll all
do most of the real work at home, with our spouse.
3. Everyone will contribute - insights, experiences,
questions, ideas, feedback on the material, and
sometimes even as voluntary participants in the
presentation.
4. We’ll be informal.

18. The Five Tasks
(See Handout)
(See Handout)
1. Revive your ability to function safely
2. Recover your trust, unity, caring, and commitment
3. Refocus your story
4. Revitalize your life-dreams
5. Re-create your life
They are not “steps” or “stages,” but a “hierarchy.”

19. Scriptural context
The married vocation: to grow to love each other as God loves us. “For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the
two will become one flesh. This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to
Christ and the church.” (Eph. 5:31,32)
“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare
and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.” (Jer. 29:11)
“... I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

20. What’s this journey like?
”It’s like trying to tie your shoes while you’re walking.” But couples who
succeed in thriving learn to live with the awkwardness until it fades away.
“It’s like peeling an onion. Every layer opens up another layer, and you cry
a lot.” But couples who persevere find themselves smiling as they look
back at the layers of their work.
“Sometimes it’s three steps forward, and two steps back.” Couples who
succeed learn that this is a normal process, and adjust their expectations
accordingly.
“Second verse, same as the first, but sung better.” Couples who succeed
understand that change often takes more time than they budgeted for it,
and learn the value the efforts they are investing.
“If what you’re doing doesn’t work, don’t try harder, try smarter.”
Successful couples learn new ways of looking at themselves and their life,
new ideas about marriage, new skills of self-observation, and new
communication skills.

21. homework
Talk about “What would be signs of thriving in our
marriage?”
Begin a “Thriving Journal,” to capture your ideas on
what thriving means for your marriage and family.
(See Post on lansingcore.wordpress.com for details.)
Use the “Readiness Scale” to talk about how willing
you are to undertake the journey from healing to
thriving.
Discuss and dialog about self-image (see handout for
examples).