This document provides an overview of stage 2 of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which aims to deepen emotional engagement and bonding between partners. The key steps in stage 2 are: Step 5 promotes identifying with previously disowned attachment needs and aspects of oneself. Step 6 facilitates each partner accepting the other's experiences. Step 7 expresses needs/wants to restructure the interaction and create bonding events. A central part of stage 2 is the "softening," where a previously hostile partner accesses vulnerability and the other responds with compassion, creating a new bond. The therapist's role is to help partners identify emotions, needs, and attachment fears, and facilitate new interaction patterns centered around emotional engagement.

1. Lecture 8. EFT for Couples
Stage 2:
Steps 5-7 deepening engagement and
emotional engagement: enacts and
bonding
Couple Counselling Skills
Kevin Standish

2. Learning Objectives
Describe theory of Stage 2
Identify the 3 Steps involved
Identify the skills used in each step
Understand how to deepen engagement
and improve emotional engagement:
enacts and bonding

3. The 10 Central Tenants of EFT (Johnson
2003)
1. Attachment is an innate motivating force
2. Secure dependency complements autonomy
3. Attachment offers a safe haven
4. Attachment offers a secure base
5. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds
6. Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs
7. The process of separation distress is predictable
8. Finite number of insecure forms of engagement can be identified.
9. Attachment involves working models of self and others
10. Isolation and loss are inherently traumatizing
3

4. 1. Attachment is an innate motivating force
 Seeking and maintaining contact with
significant others is innate.
 This occurs throughout the life span.

5. 2. Secure dependency complements
autonomy
 No such thing as complete independence or
overdependency
 There is only effective and ineffective
dependence
 Secure dependence fosters autonomy and
self-confidence
 The more secure attached we are the more
separate and different we can be.
 Health means maintaining a felt sense of
interdependency, rather than being self-
sufficient and separate from others.

6. 3. Attachment offers a safe haven
– The presence of attachment figures provides
comfort and security while perceived
inaccessibility creates distress.
– Proximity is the natural antidote to feelings
of anxiety and vulnerability
– Positive attachments offers a safe haven
that offer a buffer against effects of stress
and uncertainty.

7. 4. Attachment offers a secure base
– Gives base from which individuals
can explore their world and most
adaptively respond to their
environment.
– Secure base encourages exploration
and a cognitive openness to new
information.
– When we have this felt security, we
are better able to reach out and offer
support for others.

9. 5. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds
bonds
 Building blocks for secure attachment are
emotional accessibility and responsiveness
 One can be physically present but
emotionally absent
 Emotional engagement and the trust that
this engagement will be there when needed
is most crucial.
 Any response, even anger, is better than
none.
 Emotion is the key.
 If there is no engagement, no emotional
responsiveness, then the message is “your
signals do not matter to me and there is no
connection between us.”

10. 6. Fear and uncertainty activate attachment
needs
– When an individual is
threatened attachment needs
for comfort and connection
become salient and compelling,
and attachment behaviors are
activated.
– Attachment to key others is our
primary protection against
feelings of helplessness and
meaningless.

11. 7. The process of separation distress is
predictable
› If attachment behaviors fail to evoke
comforting responsiveness and
contact from attachment figures, a
predictable process of protest, clinging,
depression and despair, ending
eventually in detachment.
› Depression is a natural response to
loss of connection
› Anger can be seen as an attempt to
make contact with an inaccessible
attachment figure.

12. 8. Finite number of insecure forms of engagement
can be identified
– There are a
number of ways
that we have to
deal with the
unresponsiveness
of attachment
figures.
– Only so many
ways of coping
from a negative
response to the
question “Can I
depend on you
when I need you?”
– Adult attachment styles:

13. 9. Attachment involves working models of self and
others
– Attachment strategies
reflect ways of
processing and
dealing with emotion
– These models of self
and others come from
thousands of
interactions, and
become expectations
and biases that are
carried forward into
new relationships.

14. 10. Isolation and loss are inherently
traumatizing
– Attachment theory describes and
explores the trauma of deprivation,
loss, rejection, and abandonment by
those we need the most and the
enormous impact it has on us.
– These events have a major impact on
personality formation and on a
person’s ability to deal with other
stresses in life.

15. What creates close connections?
No Connection
Lack of emotion
Unresponsive
Emotionally
unavailable
Connection
Emotion is key
Are responsive to
one another
Are emotionally
available to one
another

16. Accessibility & Responsiveness
Building blocks of a secure bond.
Partner can be physically present but
emotionally absent.
Emotional engagement and the trust that
this engagement will be there when
needed is crucial.
When there is no engagement, no
emotional responsiveness, the message
reads “you don’t matter to me.”

17. Accessibility & Responsiveness
Emotion is central to individuals
being accessible and ‘emotionally’
responsive to one another
Any response, even anger, is better
than none.
It is in our closest relationships where
our strongest emotions arise and
where they seem to have most impact

18. Accessibility & Responsiveness
 Emotion tells us and communicates to others what our
motivations and needs are
 They can be seen as the ‘music’ to the relationship
dance

19. Accessibility: Can I reach you?
This means staying open to your partner even
when you have doubts and feel insecure.
It often means being willing to struggle to make
sense of your emotions so these emotions are
not so overwhelming
You can then step back from disconnection and
can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues.

20. Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to
respond to me emotionally?
This means tuning into your partner and
showing that his or her emotions have an impact
on you.
It means accepting and placing a priority on the
emotional signals your partner conveys and
sending clear signals of comfort and caring
when your partner needs them.
Sensitive responsiveness always touches us
emotionally and calms us on a physical level.

21. Engagement: Do I know you will value me
and stay close?
The dictionary defines engaged as being
absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged,
involved.
Emotional engagement means the very special
kinds of attention that we give only to a loved
one.
We gaze at them longer, touch them more.
Often we talk of this as being “emotionally
present.”

22. Close Connections
In these moments of safe attunement
and connection
Both partners can hear each other’s
attachment cry and respond with
soothing care,
Forging a new bond that can withstand
differences, wounds, and the test of
time.

23. Close Connections
Often found in small moments of time
Its in these moments of safe connection that
change everything
They provide a reassuring answer to the
question “are you there for me”
Once partners know how to speak to their
need and bring each other close, every trial
they face together simply makes their love
stronger.

24. Close Connections
These moments of connections create new
patterns in the relationship – a new dance
If you know your loved one is there and will
come when you call, you are more confident of
your worth and your value.
The world is less intimidating when you have
another to count on and you know that you are
not alone.

25. EFT: Two Main Processes
Vulnerability  Compassion
One becomes vulnerable and the other
responds with compassion.
Vulnerability  Vulnerability
One becomes vulnerable and the other
responds with becoming vulnerable as well.

26. Stage 2 Changing Interactional Positions and
Creating New Bonds
Step 5: Promote identification with disowned attachment needs
and aspects of self.
Step 6: Promote each partner’s acceptance of the other
experience.
Step 7: Facilitate the expression of needs and wants to
restructure the interaction based on new understandings and
create bonding events

27. In Stage 2: overview
 Restructuring of Attachment Interactions there are two key change events
 1. Withdrawer Re-engagement
 2. Blamer Softening
In Attachment Terms:
 The withdrawer now becomes accessible and able to stay emotionally engaged
with self and the other
 He can coherently express his hurts, fears, the models of self and other cued by
these emotions.
 He can reach for – ask for the response he needs from his partner and begin to
actively shape the relationship.
 Example: “I have been so afraid, So afraid of not meeting your standards. I have
shut you out. I have numbed you out. I didn’t know what else to do. So I got
paralyzed. But I do want us to be close and I don’t want you to hurt – to be lonely.
I am not going to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to dance with you – but not
with you keeping score. I think we can do this now. I want us to try.

28. Anais Nin
“And the day came when the risk to
remain tight in the bud was more painful
than the risk to blossom.”

29. Step 5- Withdrawer Re-Engagement and Pursuer Softening
Promote identification with disowned attachment
emotions, needs and aspects of self, and integrate
these into relationship interactions.
 Help the couple redefine their experiences in terms
of their unacknowledged emotional needs.
 "I nag because I feel abandoned and I want to be
loved." "I withdraw because I feel invaded and
rejected and I need to feel safe and loved.“
A

30. Step 6 Promote acceptance of the other partner’s
experiences and new interactional responses .
 The goal is to work to get each partner to
accept, believe, and trust that what the other
partner is describing in terms of underlying
emotional needs is accurate.
A

31. Step 7 Facilitate the expression of needs and
wants and create emotional engagement and
bonding events that redefine the attachment
between the partners.
 Goal is to help couple learn to express their
emotional needs and wants directly rather than
through the old patterns and create emotional
engagement.
 This will help each person see the other person
in a more benign manner. (Feeling vulnerable
and insecure rather than rejecting.)
A

32. Softening
 Pre-requisites:
De-escalation of negative cycle (Stage 1)
Withdrawer re-engagement (Stage 2 change event)
A previously hostile, critical partner accesses “softer” emotions and
risks reaching out to his/her partner who is engaged and responsive.
In this vulnerable state, the previously hostile partner asks for
attachment needs to be met.
At this point, both spouses are attuned, engaged and responsive.
 A bonding event then occurs which redefines the relationship as a
safe haven and a secure base.

33. What counselor does in softening
Heightening emotions
Evocative responding
Creating a new dialogue
Model a secure attachment (helps take a
short cut for the couple)

34. Levels of change in Softening
She expands her experience and accesses
attachment fears. Emotions tell us what we
need.
She engages her partner in a different way.
She articulates emotional needs and changes
her stance (position) in the dance.
New emotions prime new responses

35. Levels of change in Softening
He sees her differently (afraid rather than
dangerous) and is pulled towards here by
her expression of vulnerability
She reaches and he comforts. She sees
him differently.
A new compelling cycle is initiated – an
antidote to previous negative cycle – a
redefinition of the relationship as a secure.

36. Levels of change in Softening
They exhibit more open communication,
flexible problem solving and resilient coping.
There are shifts in both partner’s sense of
self. Both can comfort and be comforted.
Both are defined as “lovable”

37. Statements in a Softening - Steps 5 and 7
 I guess it’s still so much easier for me to get mad. I don’t like to
deal with the upset piece. The piece that is afraid. When I think
of telling you about that, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t think I
can do it. Surely you know that it’s happening?
 If I tell you, you will turn away and I will turn into this sniveling
kid-pathetic. So I don’t do it. Cant’s do it.
 I survived by not going to this place, I don’t know how to reach
for you-to even begin.
 Some part of me says to suck it up.
 I will hurt even more if I ask. It’s so hard to ask. It’s terrifying for
me. I need to know you will respond. That you wont let me
crash and burn.
 Can you hold me, I am so afraid.

38. Levels of Change in a Softening in EFT: Summary
 1. She expands her experience and accesses attachment fears, shame and the
longing for contact and comfort. Emotion tells us what we need.
 2. She engages her partner in a different way. Fear organizes a less angry more
affiliative stance. She puts words to her emotional needs and changes her part of
the dance. New emotions prime new responses/actions.
 3. He sees her differently, as afraid rather than dangerous, and is pulled towards
her by her expressions of vulnerability.
 4. She reaches and he comforts. A new compelling cycle is initiated. This new
connection offers an antidote to negative interactions and redefines the
relationship in a secure bond.
 5. This bond then allows for open communication, flexible problem solving and
resilient coping with everyday issues. The couple can now begin to resolve
pragmatic problems and consolidate changes. Moving to stage 3.
 6. There are shifts in both partners sense of self. Both can comfort and be
comforted. Both are lovable rather than “unlovable, worthless and inadequate”.

39. What is an ATTACHMENT INJURY
 A betrayal of trust / abandonment at crucial
moment of need.
 A form of relationship trauma – defines
relationship as insecure.
 An impasse in repair process – blocks trust.
Attachment significance is key – not content.
Indelible imprint – only way out is through the
injury

40. Enactment: RESOLUTION OF ATTACHMENT
INJURIES
 Articulate injury and impact. “NEVER AGAIN!”
 The other acknowledges hurt partner’s pain and elaborates on
the evolution of the event.
 The hurt partner integrates narrative and emotion. He/She
accesses attachment fears and longings.
 The other owns responsibility – expresses regret – while staying
attuned / engaged. (I feel your hurt – your pain impacts me)
 The hurt partner asks for comfort / reassurance.
 The other responds – antidote bonding event.
 Relationship is redefined as potential safe haven.
 New narrative is constructed.

41. Interventions in EFT
TASKS: Access, expand, reprocess emotional
experience
 1. Empathic Reflection
 2. Validation of client realities and emotional responses
 3. Evocative responding – process enquiries and replays
 4. Heighten, expand awareness – repeat, re-enact, refocus and use imagery.
 5. Empathic interpretation and inferences, disquisition
 Create/choreograph new interaction patterns
 1. Track and reflect process of interaction, make positions and cycles explicit.
 2. Reframe the experience/interaction in terms of attachment context and
cycles.
 3. Restructuring and shaping interactions.

42. How to Create Successful Enactments
1. Set the Stage
 1. Create a meaningful context
 2. Build intensity
 3. Help partners anticipate contact
2. Make a simple, direct request
 1. Refocus and sharpen the focus
 2. Block detours and refocus
 3. Contain and frame escalations
3. Process each partner’s experience of the enactment
 1. Expand and/or heighten new experience
 2. Validate reactions and process blocks
 3. Facilitate acceptance
 4. Consolidate and integrate new experience

43. The Problem with Enactments
1. They make clients anxious
 Various ways out: Already did it.
No point. Do but in very different
manner.
 (So validate difficulty and slice it
thinner. So insist)
2. They make therapists anxious
 Lose control of session. (The run
away train)
 Exacerbate negativity (Catching
bullets)
3. Therapists are unsure how to
USE them.
 Integrate into the therapy process
– set up - follow up
ENACTMENTS ARE USED
TO:
 Crystallize present
positions – so they can be
seen, owned
 Turn new emotional
experience into a new
response to the partner
 Heighten new responses –
to solidify or to
reach/challenge
 Choreograph specific
change events in Stage 2 of
EFT

44. READINGS
 Core readings:
1. Johnson (2004)
 chapter 7 Deepening engagement steps 5 & 6
 chapter 8 Emotional engagement: enactments and bonding.
Step 7 and change events
2. Greenman & Johnson (2013) Process Research on EFT
linking theory to practice
3. Swank & Wittenborn (2013) repairing alliance ruptures in
EFT
 Advanced reading
4. Johnson (2005) EFT and infidelity
5. Johnson & Denton (2003) EFT for couples with depression