1. Lawn Porn, TV:<br />John: And now some words from our sponsors.<br />SFX:It’s the John and Deere Radio show.<br />SFX: Mower Braaaaa<br />(John kicks back pulls out an explicit magazine and starts reading.)<br />Deere:That’s sick why do you have to read that here every commercial break. <br />John: I’m a man I have needs. <br />Deere:Needs that can be satisfied somewhere else have some decency. <br />John: Look it puts me in the mood alright, if you want to stay on the air just let me keep reading.<br />Deere (quietly):Can I see it?<br />John: What was that?<br />Deere (normal):Can I see it?<br />John: Come again?<br />Deere (louder):Can I see it?<br />John: Thought I was a deviant, a vagrant, a push mower user. Go on you know what you have to say.<br />Deere:…you put the John in John Deere your face should be mowed into every lawn. Grass bows in your presence.<br />John: Here you go you lummox.<br />(John shows the magazine revealing that it is in fact pictures of lawns being mowed.)<br />Deere:Look at the bank cutter on that one. <br />Dearcist, TV:<br />John: We’ll be right back<br />SFX:John and Deere radio Show<br />John: Could you believe that last caller? Trying to use a grass box on a mulching mower.<br />Deere:Crazy times we live in.<br />John: Say Deere something I’ve been wondering. <br />Deere:This tie? Nordstrom rack.<br />John: No, I’ve been wondering how did you end up on radio?<br />Deere:Well like anyone else I went to journalism school and didn’t quite have the face for tv…<br />John: No, I meant how can you talk at all? I mean you’re a deer.<br />Deere:I am a proud noble deer. I went to state college, maybe it wasn’t Yale or Princeton I’m sorry I didn’t have a trust fund. I got this job because I love lawncare and wanted to do something to change the mistreated lawns of…<br />(John Shines a flashlight in Deer’s face.)<br />Deere:What is that? It’s so shiny, hello bright thing will you be my friend?<br />(John turns the light off.)<br />Deere:Wait, uhh. What were we talking about?<br />John You were talking about eating while mowing.<br />Deere:Oh, right, yah. If you like the taste of grass I saw chow down. <br />Tug of War, Radio:<br />SFX: THE JOHN AND DEERE RADIO SHOW JINGGLE<br />John: Ok lets go to the phones caller your question?<br />Inquisitive Caller: Yah I was wondering If a John Deere with a 5 horse engine was in a game of tug-of-war with five horses who could win?<br />John: Well that’s…<br />Deere:Why a horse?<br />Inquisitive Caller: What?<br />Deere:Why a horse why not a deer, horses aren’t so great you know.<br />Inquisitive Caller: Yah but…<br />Deere:Do you know why horses are ridden because they let people ride them, oh ride me ride me they say. Deer are better because we don’t let people ride us, even though we appear to have handle bars.<br />John: But the question…<br />Deere:Horses would be dim enough to take on a John Deere one stomp for yes two for no, I have a journalism degree and they can’t answer multiple choice questions. And metal shoes, great fashion choice, iron goes so well with everything. <br />John: So if a horse did get into it with a mower?<br />Deere:Horses need blinders to keep them walking in a straight line, of course the John Deere would win.<br />John: Ok and on that note tune in next week when we will be discussing proper barbeque attire. <br />Driving, Radio:<br />SFX THE JOHN AND DEERE RADIO SHOW JINGLE<br />Deere:Look all I’m saying is that both have four wheels a driver’s seat and they get you where you need to go but only one can mow a lawn.<br />John: You are seriously trying to tell me that you think mowers should replace cars, deer have hooves they can’t drive. <br />Deere:I appreciate a well kempt lawn, and I’m on a radio show I’ll drive if I want to. <br />John:You’re going to drive?<br />Deere:Why shouldn’t I be able to drive?<br />John:One word headlights, in Indiana you’re allowed to hit 3 deer before your insurance goes up.<br />Deere:Whoa, whoa, people are hitting deer? And then doing it two more times?<br />John:Just shows deer and cars don’t mix. <br />Deere:Deer outside of cars don’t mix. Have you heard of a deer running a person over with a car? No, the answer is no. The only concern might be roaming deer motorcycle gangs. <br />John:You think deer would band together and form motorcycle gangs?<br />Deere:The Hells Antlers<br />John:Alright times up next week we will be talking about the dangers of drinking while mowing.<br />Deere:I’m getting some fuzzy dice to hang on my antlers though.<br />John:Fine.<br />Other Deer, Radio:<br />SFX:JINGLE It’s the John and Deere radio show<br />John:You saw a gnome and you ran, you have antlers what are you afraid of?<br />Deere:I wasn’t afraid, I had to go call my girlfriend, in Canada.<br />John:Sure girlfriend.<br />Deere:You don’t believe me? There are too deer in Canada.<br />John:None of them are dating you though. <br />Deere: That’s it, let’s go to the phones. caller?<br />Inquisitive Caller: Yah I had a deer related question, do deer actually pull sleighs?<br />Deere:I am sick and tired of these stereotypes, not all deer pull sleighs, some deer have girlfriends. Reindeer pull sleighs, but they’re like the Amish of the deer world something is just kind of backwards about them. They’d be the type to use orange power tools.<br />John:Aren’t there reindeer in Canada?<br />Deere:I am not dating a reindeer. <br />John:Where’d you meet?<br />Deere:Lawn care chat room, but before you say it, she sent me pictures only the best Saint Augustine grass in her lawn<br />John:She’s so going to have antlers<br />Deere:Not cool.<br />John: Alright times up next week we will be talking about acceptable shades of green and what your lawn says about you. <br />Gnomes, Radio:<br />SFX: THE JOHN AND DEERE RADIO SHOW JINGLE<br />John: Caller?<br />Inquisitive Caller:Yah I was wondering about decorating my lawn, my wife really likes putting stuff in it she’s got this gnome…<br />Deere:Gnomes?<br />Inquisitive Caller:Yah it was her…<br />Deere:Vile beasts, devil spawn.<br />John:Alright we need to take a minute Deere calm down.<br />Deere:Beady eyes and pointy heads. It’s not just a hat, the hat only covers their pointy head. <br />John: Okay we’ve talked about this they can’t hurt you. Take some deep breaths.<br />Inquisitive Caller:I think the little guy’s kinda cute.<br />Deere:Cute? Cute? Beady eyes and chinstrap beards. They’re infesting the world with their corncob pipes and tiny mining equipment, what exactly are they mining?<br />John:Deer it’s alright that you’re scared of gnomes.<br />Deere:Send them back to where they came from, Sweden or was it Switzerland? What’s the difference again?<br />John:Holes in cheese?<br />Deere:Yah, make them go dig in the cheese mines.<br />John: Agreed, after all the work you put in, keep the little men out of your lawn. Next week we will be answering the question “is grass always greener on the other side?” Stay tuned. <br />Jackalope, TV:<br />SFX: JOHN DEERE JINGLE<br />John: The snow blower attachment turns your regular mower into something mythical like a Jackalope.<br />Deere:The Jackalope isn’t mythical. <br />John: A rabbit deer hybrid is mythical they don’t exist.<br />Deere:Do too exist my half cousin is a Jackalope. <br />John: He is not.<br />Deere:Look I’m not saying he’s the sharpest tool in the shed, but he’s still family.<br />John: We are not having this conversation.<br />Deere:That’s it I’m calling him.<br />SFX:PHONE PICKED UP RINGING THEN BEING ANSWERED<br />Jeremy:Hello?<br />Deere:Jeremy?<br />Jeremy:Namaste and salutations Deere <br />Deere:Hold the gobbldeygoop. I need to ask you something what species are you?<br />Jeremy:A Jackalope.<br />Deere:Thank you<br />Jeremy:Hey Deere long as I’ve got you, are you interested in a b-b-q at my place this weekend?<br />Deere:Nooo. Your hot dogs are made out of glutton and your buns are glutton free, but worst of all you have a rock garden, get it together man. <br />SFX:PHONE HANGING UP<br />John: A rock garden really? <br />Deere:I know, how are you supposed to mow that?<br />John:Alright you’ve heard it here Jackalopes, real – rock gardens, disappointing. <br />