This presentation identifies a massive gap in trauma-informed care for young people, the long-term harm of having a parent or family member with a personality disorder, specifically the Cluster “B” Personality Disorders. Society is going through a radical shift in how it views, treats and manages Anxiety, Depression, Suicide Prevention, and Substance Abuse and Addiction. Rapid technological advances are seeing a cross fertilization between the traditional medical sciences of neurology and psychiatry. The traditional approach was that damage to the nervous system resulted in neurological disorders whereas psychiatric disorders involved disturbed behavior and emotional states. Today we know that neurological changes underpin psychiatric disorders as well as mental health and mental illness. Another huge breakthrough in the neuropsychiatric research findings is the link to Mental Health and Trauma. Childhood Trauma initially focused on physical abuse in the Domestic Violence setting. Gradually, emotional abuse was taken into consideration to address risk and harm. Children and young people were considered at risk in light of such factors as homelessness, refugee and asylum seekers, juvenile justice settings and for those in indigenous communities. The issue of personality disorder and family relationships and breakdown has been ignored. A personality disorder is a mental health disorder that affects how a person thinks, behaves and relates to others. The Cluster “B” parent has erratic and dramatic emotions and behaviors. Regulating emotions and maintaining healthy relationships is impossible. They are impulsive, low in empathy and low in conscience. They have a need to manipulate, control and disempower others. For family members, specifically their children, this culminates in significant distress and trauma. There is considerable harm to social, emotional, cognitive, spiritual and educational development. Currently, there are almost no resources for children and young adults who have a Cluster “B” parent. The first step to healing is education to understand what, how and why this has happened to them. This SlideShare presentation aims to shed light on such questions as: What happened to me? Am I crazy? Are they the psycho or am I? Why do I feel so depressed/anxious/worthless? Most importantly, the goal is to help towards hope and healing, good mental health, resilience and peace. Call to Action: Cluster “B” pathology is insidious, pernicious, deliberate and dangerous. These parents have tremendous destructive potential. Harm is hidden behind charm. They impact homes, families, workplaces, relationships and societies. Education is critical for every person in every system caught in the aftermath of dealing with their destruction: mental health, general health, family law, police departments, criminal justice, domestic violence and social service. Thank you.

1. People Who Cause You Harm
Explaining Dramatic and Erratic Personality Disorders
(The Cluster “B” Personality Disorders) to Young People
Antisocial Histrionic Borderline Narcissistic
Personality Disorders
by
Jeni Mawter
WARNING! LONG TERM HEALTH HAZARD WARNING! LONG TERM HEALTH HAZARD

2. When people in your life cause you harm
it’s important to know
https://www.reachoutwny.org/parents/

3. To understand harmful Personality Disorders
we need to start with the basics. What is a Personality?
• Personality is something we all have when we are born. It refers to how we
feel, think, behave, perceive and interact with others.
• Our personality is unique and distinctive for each of us. No one else has
your exact personality. Personality is what makes you different to other
people.
• Personality comes from our genetic background, our life experiences, and
how we are socialized.
• Personality influences our thoughts and actions and how we interact with
others (family, friends, peers, teammates, teachers, police).
• People with healthy personalities have a strong and realistic sense of who
they are. We call that their sense of Self. When they know and like who
they are; like their own bodies; and like their relationships (loving,
friendships), we say they have a high Self Esteem, or a strong Sense of Self.

4. Some ways we can describe our personality
https://aliciateacher2.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/62277_417589641641314_1924466143_n.jpg https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/09/10/what-personality-tests-really-deliver

5. What is a “Personality Disorder”?
People with a Personality Disorder have
patterns of thinking, acting and feeling
that are different to what our society
considers to be usual, or the norm.
These patterns are more extreme.
They are also long-lasting and often do
not improve over time.
Those with a Personality Disorder often
have a more limited number of thinking,
acting and feeling skills to help them
live their lives.
Educating them about how their
thoughts, actions and feelings are
harmful to others does not seem to
help them change.
https://pursuit.unimelb.edu.au/articles

6. Life Skills are necessary for building Healthy Relationships
Personalities that do you harm have “Poor Life Skills”
Those with a Personality Disorder
struggle with Interpersonal Life Skills
which are crucial to form healthy and
strong relationships with others.
These include: Social Skills, Thinking
Skills and Emotional Skills
Important: These missing relationship
life skills can’t seem to be taught.
https://www.inspire2learn.co.za/skills-for-life/

7. How can you tell if someone has a “Personality Disorder”?
When Someone’s Personality Feels Right To Us We Feel Good
• We all have people in our lives who make us feel good.
• Around them we feel comfortable, relaxed, happy, content and calm.
• Talking to these people is easy.
• With them we feel seen and heard.
• We can tell them what we are thinking and feeling.
• They don’t judge us, make fun of us or punish us unnecessarily.
• We feel loved and cared for when we’re with them.
• When with them we feel SAFE.

8. What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
http://howdoidate.com/relationships/healthy-relationships/best-way-build-healthy-relationship/

9. How can you tell if someone has a “Personality Disorder”?
When Someone’s Personality Does Not Feel Right To Us You Feel Bad
• When we feel bad we may be sad, worried, scared, unhappy or angry.
• When you’re with these people you feel a lot worse than normal.
• Being with these people is confusing and unsettling. You may feel like
you’re going crazy.
• There is always high drama, lots of fights, very little calm.
• They have huge mood swings. You never know if they’ll be up or down.
• They are impulsive. They don’t think before they say or do things.
• Everything is about them. They are Self-focused. “It’s all about me.”
• Your feelings and needs and thoughts get ignored or dismissed.

10. What does an
Unhealthy Relationship
Look Like?

11. What type of Personality can do you harm?
People with a “High Conflict” Personality
“The High Conflict Institute defines a high conflict parent as someone
who lacks the ability to have insight into their own behavior; who doesn’t
have the ability to reflect on their actions and who blames others for
everything that has gone wrong.”
From https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/omg-am-i-the-one-who-is-high-conflict
High Conflict people thrive on creating conflict
and drama. This love of conflict and drama
probably creates stress and tension in you.
https://podtail.com/fi/podcast/the-high-conflict-co-parenting-podcast/

12. What do we mean by a
‘Cluster B’ Personality Disorder?
https://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2015/11/01/how-to-spot-a-person-with-a-toxic-personality-disorder/

13. There are 4 Cluster “B “
Personality Disorders
1) Histrionic
1) Narcissistic
2) Antisocial
3) Borderline
Managing Care for Persons with Personality Disorders Phyllis M. Connolly PhD,
APRN, BC, CS Professor of Nursing San Jose State University

14. Cluster “B” People have trouble controlling their
emotions and behaviors. They tend to be:
• Dramatic. They love high drama. This is disruptive and creates tension.
• Erratic and unpredictable. You never know what they will do or say.
• Impulsive. They don’t think about the consequences of their actions
before they do or say things.
• Self-Serving. Everything is about them. It is always “I, me, my, mine!”
• Low in Empathy. They lack the ability to understand and share the
feelings of others. This impacts you.
• Low in Conscience. They don’t feel guilty about what they say or do or
who they hurt. This also impacts you.
• Shallow Emotions - volatile. Quick to anger and rage.
..

15. Cluster “B” People Continued
• Problem Solving is rigid – things must be done their way
• Inflexible in finding solutions
• Their behavior patterns aren’t consistent. They occur in cycles.
Sometimes they are loving and agreeable, sometimes they rage and
explode. This creates confusion and means you’re always on guard.
• It’s not just you. Most of their relationships are impacted negatively.
• Important: Many people do not recognize that they have a personality
disorder. In fact, they will insist that they don’t have a problem. When
things go wrong the problem is due to everyone else!
• This low level of awareness is called a lack of insight.
Warning! Can be very charming when they want something from others.

16. Cluster “B” people often have unhealthy Patterns of Thinking
which may be harmful for you
• Unpredictable and erratic thinking
• Anxious and fearful thinking
• Black and White thinking eg. all or nothing, good or bad, right or wrong,
Say Always/Never statements
• Rigid thinking - inflexible
• Suspicious thinking - distrust
• Paranoid thinking – delusions that they’re being threatened in some way
• Thinking Cycles of idolizing then devaluing others
• Disordered Body Illusion thinking
• ‘Odd’ thinking that is different to cultural norms eg. sexual promiscuity

17. To understand why you’ve been harmed so badly let’s
begin with this question “What is a Good Enough Parent?”
https://slideplayer.com/slide/4630641/

18. Parents are
not all the
same
There are
different
Parenting
Styles
https://mvccutah.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/
parenting-style-v-21.jpg

19. Cluster “B” Parents can be Authoritarian yet Uninvolved
at the same time. They are inconsistent in parenting.
People who ‘Power Over’ others tend to be more controlling, strict and
demanding. They can be described as manipulative and controlling,
driven by their strong need for Power.
Create Confusion which leaves you feeling off-balance.
They like to set the rules, and they like others to obey without question.
To keep you obedient and compliant a Cluster “B” person uses many,
many tactics to make you unquestioning and submissive. These tactics
are designed to confuse you. Confusion leads to self-doubt, which can
be crippling.
Let’s now look at the myriad of tactics Cluster “B” parents to
manipulate, control and confuse you to achieve their goals.

20. Histrionic Personality Disorder
• Constant attention seeking,
especially in terms of appearance
• Constantly seeking approval
• Worries about abandonment
• Unpredictable, rocky relationships
• Uncertain about self-identity
• Reckless, risky behaviors
• Self-harming behaviors
• Volatile yet shallow emotions
• Profound feelings of hollowness or
emptiness
• Easily provoked to rage
• Short-term flights from reality
• Strong focus on sexual activity https://memegenerator.net/instance/41844721/drama-queen-facts-no-one-is-giving-
me-attentionone-so-ill-leave-and-get-thier-attention-with-drama

21. Histrionic Personality Parenting Styles
• No recognition of child’s personal boundaries.
• The parent demands all the care, love and affection but cannot give it.
• The child does not learn Self-care or Self-love.
• Sex is always inappropriate. Child: 1) exposed to sexual relationships at an
early age; 2) exposed to many parent’s romantic partners; 3) receive
inappropriate sexual advances from the parent’s partners; 4) siblings and
friends (including boyfriends/girlfriends) may receive inappropriate sexual
advances.
• The child’s focus is on parent care and anticipating their needs.
• The child does not learn to communicate their own needs or accept care.
• The child is always told that they are the problem. “You didn’t love me
enough, call me enough, do enough, admire me enough…”
• This parent is a bottomless pit of need.

22. Antisocial Personality Disorder - called Psychopathy
• No regard for “Right and Wrong”
• Persistent lying, deceit
• Hostile, aggressive, violent
• Callous towards others
• Impulsive, not aware of
consequences
• Highly volatile relationships
• Risk takers, law-breakers
• Lack of empathy, no remorse
• Think they are superior, very
opinionated
• Violate the rights of others https://www.psychiatryadvisor.com/home/topics/child-adolescent-psychiatry/paternal-
antisocial-personality-traits-maternal-postpartum-depression-affect-early-aggressive-
behavior/

23. Antisocial Personality Parenting Styles
“The pathology of antisocial behavior implies traits such as deceitfulness,
irresponsibility, unreliability, and an incapability to feel guilt, remorse, or even
love. This is damaging to a child's emotional, cognitive, and social
development. Parents with this personality makeup can leave a child
traumatized, empty, and incapable of forming meaningful personal
relationships…
… Moreover, the child with a genetic predisposition to antisocial behavior who
is raised with a parental style that triggers the genetic liability is at high risk for
developing the same personality structure.”
Zachary D. Torry and Stephen B. Billick. Implications of antisocial parents in
Psychiatry Quarterly, 2011 Dec;82(4):275-85

24. Psychopathy Parenting Styles
“The relationship
between parental
psychopathy and
children’s lived
experience”
Chapter: “The Impact
of Psychopathy on the
Family”
by Lianne J Leedon
https://www.intechopen.com/chapters/57015
Published 20 December 2017

25. Borderline Personality Disorder
• Intense fear of abandonment and
strong efforts to avoid it
• Unpredictable, rocky relationships
• Uncertainty about self-identity
• Reckless, risky behaviors
• Self-harming behaviors
• Highly volatile emotions
• Profound feelings of hollowness or
emptiness
• Easily provoked rage
• Short-term flights from reality
https://www.healthline.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder-what-i-wish-you-knew

26. Borderline Personality
Disorder Continued
https://themindsjournal.com/types-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

27. Borderline
Personality
Disorder
Parenting Styles
https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/BPD-mother-parenting-style

28. Children of a Borderline Personality Parent can develop
• Behaviour problems
• Emotional disorders
• Depression and suicidal behaviour
• ADHD
• Negative attitudes disrupting interactions with others
• Attachment problems
• Poor relationships with their parent
• Fear of abandonment
• Dysfunctional need for reassurance
• Inability to make and keep friends
• Very low self-esteem
From https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parents-with-mental-illness/tips-for-parenting-with-borderline-personality-disorder

29. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• Self-important and arrogant – they tend to put you down and belittle you
• Self-serving and entitled – they believe they deserve the very best in life. They
rarely appreciate what they have. They rarely say “Thank You!”
• Manipulate people and exploit them to get what they want
• They are conceited. Believe in their own greatness and success
• Believe they are superior to others and deserve special treatment
• Need high levels of admiration – this soothes their low self-esteem
• Can fool people with charm – charm is turned “on” so they are more likeable to
other people. We may describe them as charismatic
• Charming in public but toxic at home – in effect they act like two separate people,
one really nice in public one really toxic at home
• They choose when to act nice, and when to act toxic. Being mean is intentional

30. Narcissistic Personality Disorder Continued
• Envious of other people’s jobs, money, possessions, status, holidays, beauty. Believe
other’s envy them
• Never responsible for their actions. Play the Blame Game. Everything will always be
someone else’s fault, most likely yours
• Never apologize but will demand an apology from you
• Low in empathy – unable or unwilling to recognize your needs and feelings
• Hypersensitive to criticism - react with rage and contempt if they feel slighted
• Like to play ‘the victim’. This gets other people’s sympathy and attention. You miss out
• Low in conscience – do not feel guilty for harming others
• Don’t respect boundaries – see you as an extension of themselves, not your own
person

31. Parenting Styles of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• A Narcissistic parent lacks empathy, thinks they are superior to
others, needs to be admired and demands special treatment.
• In order to get these they have a strong drive for power and control.
This creates stress and tension for the whole family.
• They manipulate - make up stories, tell half-truths or full-blown lies.
• They intentionally play one child against another. This means that
each child in the family is treated differently.
• One child can do no wrong. We call them The Golden Child. They get
the credit for all the family’s success.
• Another child can do no right. They are called The Scapegoat Child.
They get blamed for all the family’s problems.
• Both get harmed but the Scapegoat Child gets targeted more often.

32. A Child of a Narcissist may struggle with these problems
• Low self-esteem and self-worth
• Anxiety or Depression
• Poor boundaries
• People-pleasing
• Unable to say “No”
• Always saying “Sorry”
• Chronic guilt
• Emptiness
• Trust issues
• Emotional numbness (shutdown)
• Anger, confusion, stress. https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/how-to-scientific-test-kid-low-self-
esteem/

33. Comparison of Borderline (BPD) and
Narcissitic Personality Disorders (NPD)
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/the-differences-between-abusers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder-vs-borderline-personality-disorder#symptom-comparison

34. The Challenge of Growing up with a Cluster “B” parent
Image from http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.com/impact-growing-narcissistic-borderline-parent/
The journey of growing up from
a newborn helpless baby to being an
independent fully-functioning adult
is a challenge for everyone.
Growing up in a family where
behaviors, thoughts, emotions and
relationships are described as: dramatic,
emotionally volatile, unpredictable,
inappropriate, impulsive, self-absorbed,
irresponsible, hypercritical, conflicting,
confusing, inflexible and inconsistent is an infinitely greater challenge!

35. Descriptions from Adult Children of Cluster “B” Parents
• They only care about themselves. They are not able to care about you.
• They act on impulse, not thinking how their actions can hurt you.
• They can’t take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. This
means they can’t apologize and say ”Sorry.” It also means that you will
get the blame when things go wrong or when they have problems.
• They may not care about whether or not they’ve hurt you.
• They thrive on drama and conflict. They pick a lot of fights. These can be
verbal (threats, name-calling) or physical (hitting, punching, kicking).
Sometimes they punish you with silence, refusing to speak to you.
• They get easily irritated and upset. They are often very angry.
• They are erratic. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. These moods can
shift rapidly.

36. Descriptions from Adult Children of Cluster “B” Parents
• They like to control EVERYTHING. Control gives them POWER. They will
do anything it takes to hold this power. Power means they can get and
do what they want. Power and Control are as important as breathing.
• They tell a lot of lies. Telling lies does not upset or worry them. The lies
are used to have power and control over you and others.
• They have a deep need to be admired. They see themselves as special
and/or important. They need to be admired for their strength, good
looks, car, job, intelligence, parenting skills, sporting ability for example.
• They do not like to follow the rules but they love to set rules for others.
• They can be very charming and often very popular.
• Many are constant attention seekers.

37. When any of us feel threatened, tense and overwhelmed
we all react in various ways
Here are
some ways
we react
How do you react?
https://southleeasd.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/
helping-with-anxiety.pdf

38. How might you feel around Cluster “B” parents? Hurt, confused,
scared, sad? Tense, angry, worried, powerless? Trapped,
ashamed, blamed, alone? Frustrated, hopeless, useless, mad?
https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/why-does-abuse-happen

39. Why were you chosen as a Target for Harm?
Partly because of your Personality Type.
Our Personalities influence how we function in relationships.
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-big-five-personality-dimensions-2795422

40. Why have you been chosen as a Target? What is it about YOU?
• Personality type – you tend to be
Conscientious and Agreeable
• Thoughts - kind
• Feelings – high empathy
• Attitudes and Beliefs – You “Care”
• Values – know Right from Wrong
• Decisions – good problem-solving
• Actions or behaviors – calm
• Interactions with other people –
thoughtful. Don’t make waves.
• Coping mechanisms – don’t give up
easily
• Resilient
• Good conflict resolution skills
You have everything they lack!
https://uvamagazine.org/articles/experts_say_parent_but_dont_manipulate

41. People with a Cluster “B” Personality Disorder
tend not to use Physical Harm (there are exceptions)
Without broken bones, blood or bruises we don’t know who of these
children is being harmed. Who has a Cluster “B” parent and who does not?
https://askgramps.org/joseph-smith-quote-raise-children-die-young/

42. So, where is this Damage?
Cluster ‘B’’ People damage
you by stealing, then
destroying, your Reality.
They steal your reality by
making you confused about
what you think is real – they
make you doubt your senses,
perceptions, thoughts,
actions, even memories.
https://gozen.com/11-things-to-say-when-kids-cry/

43. Why are Cluster ‘B’’s so harmful?
They also steal then destroy your sense of SELF.
Self is who we are.
Our Self is how we identify and
feel about ourselves. Self can be
thought about in terms of:
- Self-esteem
- Self-worth
- Identity
- Self-image
When we think of our Self we have
unique roles (son/daughter, friend,
student), attributes (kind,
thoughtful, generous), behaviors
(sporty, friendly, helpful) and
relationships (family, friends,
teammates).
We describe ourselves in the ways
that are important to us and valued
by us – helpful, friendly, kind

44. Without your
Sense of Self
you feel like
you’ve been
erased. The
message you are
told is:
“You don’t exist
for me.”
https://themindsjournal.com/the-narcissistic-family-tree/

45. All of us use our Senses to know what is REAL
https://www.simplypsychology.org/perception-theories.html

46. We use our Perceptions to work out what is REAL
• Perception is the recognition and interpretation of sensory information
(sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch) based on our experiences.
• We use our senses to become aware of objects, relationships and
events happening around us.
• We identify, organize and interpret this sensory information to help us
interact with our world.
• Perception varies from person to person and is influenced by paying
attention, previous learning and memories, as well as our expectations
about what we will experience.
Warning! People with Cluster “B” Personality Disorders lack the ability to
perceive and relate to situations and people.

47. Harmful People Will Tell you
“Your Senses and Perceptions are Wrong”
• “I didn’t say that.” But I heard you.
• “You told me you’d be home at four o’clock.” No, I didn’t.
• “You ate the last cookie. There’s crumbs all over your face!” There are
no crumbs on my face. I haven’t eaten a cookie.
• “You didn’t win that game. I did.” But my score was higher.
• “You broke the TV remote. You break everything.” I haven’t touched
the TV remote.
• “You stole a cigarette. I can smell it on your breath.” That’s a lie!

48. In a Normal World when we perceive two different
Realities but there is not one Truth, we get CONFUSED
Reality One Reality Two
What is the real number????
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201908/perception-is-not-reality

49. In a Cluster “B” World there are many Realities and
many Truths which is even more CONFUSING!!!
There is no one Real person
https://www.havoca.org/survivors/personality-disorder/types-personality-
disorders/
There is no one Truth
https://www.hiltonheadmonthly.com/columns/last-call/6232-where-has-the-truth-gone

50. As well as Senses and Perceptions
we use our Thoughts to work out what is REAL
https://www.omaritani.com/blog/what-you-think

51. Harmful people will tell you your Thoughts are Wrong
• “You’re not thinking clearly.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “You always jump to the wrong conclusion.”
• “You’re crazy! You need help.”
• “Maybe that’s what you think you heard but it’s all in your head.”
• “You obviously haven’t understood a word I said.”
• “I told you that yesterday. Have you forgotten already?”
• “You’re twisting things. No-one else would think something like that.”
• “Everyone knows you’re too sensitive and overreact.”
• “I’d never say something like that. You’re making it up.”
• “It wasn’t that bad. Your brother and sister don’t have a problem.”
• “I was only joking. You take everything too personally.””

52. Manipulation is a form of Domestic Abuse
“Manipulation may include overt aggression, such as
criticism, narcissistic abuse, and subtle forms of emotional abuse.
Favorite covert weapons of manipulators are: guilt, complaining,
comparing, lying, denying, feigning ignorance or innocence
(e.g.“Who, me!?”), blame, bribery, undermining, mind games,
assumptions, “foot-in-the-door,” reversals, emotional blackmail,
evasiveness, forgetting, inattention, fake concern, sympathy,
apologies, flattery, and gifts and favors.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/toxic-relationships/201907/covert-tactics-manipulators-use-control-and-confuse-you

53. Manipulation and Control are POWER PLAYS used:
• To avoid them being confronted
• To put you on the defensive
• To make you doubt yourself and
your perceptions
• To hide their aggressive intent
• To avoid responsibility
• To not have to change their behavior
• To instill Fear in others
• To prove their Dominance
• To show their Superiority
• To feed their need for Entitlement
• To get their own way
• To find Narcissistic Supply

54. Triangulation as a
Harmful Power Play:
- Ignores your boundaries
- Manipulates
- Controls
- Isolates
- Disempowers
- Silences you
- Abuse by proxy
- Smears your name
- Destroys family
relationships
https://realtalkbroadcastnetwork.org/index.php/2019/07/20/triangulation-what-is-it/

55. Triangulation as a tool of Manipulation and Control
It is used intentionally as a weapon to Divide and Conquer
• Triangulation puts you on the outside. You feel off-balance and left out.
Triangulation increases your sense of insecurity. You now doubt and
question yourself.
• People with Borderline Personality Disorder need reassurance that they
are loved to avoid feeling abandoned. They may use triangulation to
manipulate another person to feel jealous, which then forces that
person to have to prove and show their love.
• People with Narcissism don’t always use obvious abuse tactics such as
name-calling, aggression or violence to get what they want. Their tactics
are more devious, like triangulation, gaslighting or the silent treatment.

56. The Silent Treatment is a tool of manipulation and control
It is used to Undermine and Punish you
• The Silent Treatment is the refusal to
communicate verbally and
electronically with someone who is
willing to communicate.
• It may range from just sulking to
more nasty abusive controlling
behaviours.
• Sometimes it includes ignoring
someone’s actual physical presence –
“You don’t exist for me.”
• It may be used to avoid responsibility
and accountability for bad behaviour.
The Silent Treatment goes by
many names:
• shunning
• social isolation
• stonewalling
• ghosting
• ostracizing
• ignoring
• Making you an outcast

57. How does being given The Silent Treatment make you feel?
• You may feel fearful, anxious, distressed,
worthless, devalued - like an outcast.
• You may try to ‘win over’ your parent by
apologizing even though you haven’t
done anything wrong.
• Your parent may ignore your apology,
making you feel even more powerless
and frustrated.
• If you feel angry and shout back, your
parent can punish you further. They will
point out their silent treatment was
deserved because of your “bad
behaviour.”
• Your parent may accept your apology,
pointing out it is an act of mercy, not
because it was deserved.
https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/how-silent-treatment-affects-children-and-adult-
relationships/11061884

58. Pretending to be the Victim is a tool of manipulation and control
It is used to take people’s attention off the problem and away from you
• Often the harmful person switches
roles and pretends to be the
injured one.
• This deflects people from
recognizing their abusive behavior.
• This tricks other people into giving
them sympathy. You miss out.
• The abuser now avoids dealing
with the problem or issue.
https://youtu.be/q9daleutvRs

59. To recap, Cluster “B” people use CONFUSION as a Mind Control tactic
Confusion makes you doubt your perceptions, thoughts, memories, values, Self
https://www.wealthwords.com/blog/know-benefits-playing-mind-games/

60. How Harmful People Confuse You: Projection
We all have flaws and imperfections. Instead of being responsible for these, harmful
people blame others for their own failings and short-comings. This tactic is called
Projection.
They will blame you for what they are guilty of.
- If they tell a lie, they will call you the liar.
- If they are being immature, they will call you childish.
- If they are being mean to you, they will call you disrespectful.
http://www.yainterrobang.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/its-not-me-its-you-stephanie-kate-strohm-feature.jpg

61. How Harmful People Confuse You: Word Salad
Circular Conversations, called “Word Salad”,
are harmful to your mental health.
https://themindsjournal.com/narcissists-destroy-you-with-circular-conversations/
• Narcissists have destructive conversations
that leave you confused and powerless
• They don’t make sense – there’s no logic
• They go round in circles without an end
• They are deliberately vague
• They evade or avoid answering questions
• They divert you off track so nothing gets
resolved
• They use blaming and shaming to
discredit you
• They belittle and talk down to you
• They throw in irrelevant facts
• You are left frustrated, questioning reality

62. How Harmful People Confuse You: Gaslighting
• Gaslighting describes when
someone intentionally
twists your perceptions of
reality for their own gain.
• They deny your
perceptions, your memories
and your judgements.
• You are forced to doubt
yourself.
• You feel like you are going
crazy. Dr Alika Lafontaine @AlikaMD

63. Gaslighting is a form of Manipulation used to Control
Gaslighting is often so subtle you
don’t even recognize it as harmful.
It is actually so harmful, it is a
recognized form of abuse.
Gaslighting Examples

64. Why Are Cluster “B” Parents Like This?
Sometimes people are born this way. It is how their brain is made.
Sometimes bad things happened to them when they were young.
Some weren’t taught any better by the grown-ups in their life.
Sometimes it runs in families.
Whatever the cause, harmful people have many things in common:
1) They have a different way of Thinking to you.
2) They have a different way of Doing to you.
3) Hurting or harming you does not worry them or cause them concern.
4) They lack the ability to care about others. They care about themselves.

65. How might having a Cluster “B” Parent make you feel?
• Their behavior is unpredictable. They can explode into anger for no reason.
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells. It’s scary and CONFUSING.
• You are ashamed when the harmful person persistently tells lies. You feel
ashamed if they make you lie too.
• They get very jealous. All the attention and praise must be about them. You
may crave attention and praise too, but you rarely get it. You feel cheated.
• They hate being alone and want you with them all the time. Sometimes,
you feel like you’re the adult and they’re the child. You feel resentful.
• They have lots of rules for you but no rules for them. This feels unfair.
• They exaggerate everything. You’re not sure what to believe or not. This is
extremely confusing.
• They are selfish. They take from relationships but can’t give back to them.
This may make you feel hurt.

66. How might this parent make you feel? Continued
• You will often feel powerless to stop or change anything that’s bad in
your life. You feel trapped.
• Because you are told everything is your fault or that you’re always
wrong you are constantly saying, “Sorry!”.
• You may want to run away. You may wish you had never been born.
• You feel so depressed you may wish you were dead.
• Sometimes you will disappear in your head. (Dissociate).
• Your needs, feelings and wants will be ignored. This is so hurtful.
• You lose trust in adults who harm you. You lose trust in yourself.
• You’re confused. This person may be mean to you but nice to others.
You wonder “What’s wrong with me?” You feel worthless.

67. The fallout of constant Manipulation, Control and Confusion is
“Reality Overwhelm” and “Loss of Self”
• You live in Survival Mode – fight/flight
• You Dissociate – disappear in your head
• Have Cognitive Dissonance – no truth
• Crippled with Self Doubt
• Loss of confidence and poor self-esteem
• Second-guessing all the time
• Always saying ”Sorry” because you’re always told you’re wrong
• Lose your trust in yourself, in others, in the whole world
https://repositorio.cepal.org/bitstream/handle/11362/36006/1/Challenges9-cepal-unicef_en.pdf

68. Having a parent with a Cluster “B” Personality Disorder
When we don’t feel safe
and our world feels
threatening and
overwhelming we often
go into SURVIVAL MODE.
Survival mode should be
short term only.
https://serenitynowwellness.ca/survival-mode-signs/

69. Dissociation is a Normal Reaction to Reality Overwhelm
Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel
disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can
affect your sense of identity and your perception of reality. What happens to you
when you dissociate?
• Can’t remember, or maybe deny a painful experience
• Tune out, or “space out” at times
• Have extreme mood swings sad/angry, confident/despairing with anger outbursts
• You’re forgetful
• Have trouble learning new things
• Daydream in class
• May have an imaginary friend, hear voices in your head.
Warning: Dissociation is a coping mechanism that helps in the short term but
seriously impacts your home life, school life and relationships in the long term.

70. In Survival Mode
we Dissociate.
Dissociation is a
Trauma Coping
Mechanism.
When we feel too
tense and
overwhelmed our
brain turns OFF.
Trauma Healing Together@TraumaTogether 10 Sept 2020

71. Figure 1: Explanation
for Parents on
Dissociation due to
Childhood Trauma
https://www.nicabm.com/working-with-structural-dissociation/

72. Figure 2: Explanation
for Parents on
Dissociation due to
Childhood Trauma
https://www.nicabm.com/working-with-structural-dissociation/

73. What is Cognitive Dissonance???
The most underestimated, poorly researched, ill-informed yet most
destructive and harmful fallout of having a Cluster “B” parent is
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. Cognitive dissonance is the state of holding
two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs simultaneously.
Cognitive Dissonance is
Two Opposing Realities.
There is NO TRUTH.
Like when you love the
‘nice’ version but hate
the ‘mean’ version
of the person
who does you harm.
https://www.oneclearmessage.com/cognitive-dissonance-and-social-support/

74. Cognitive Dissonance feels like
Torment Brainwashing Torture
• Cognitive Dissonance is Reality Theft. Harmful people tell you that
everything you know about your Self, your beliefs and values, perceptions,
memories and experiences are wrong or that they did not happen.
• This means you can’t trust your own reality of thought, senses,
perceptions, memories, experiences or relationships any more.
• Everything you believe to be true gets dissolved or erased.
• Slowly destroying your truth and reality is a form of mental TORTURE.
• Even worse, you can’t trust your Self any more. If you can’t trust yourself
who can you trust?
• You doubt everything. Nothing is real or true.
• You feel like you are going crazy.
• You don’t know who you are. You are now a “missing person” in a body.

75. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
http://www.artimaginationbysledge.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/child-at-window.jpg

76. Why Cognitive Dissonance is so Damaging
• In real life a little bit of cognitive dissonance is okay. When we’re confused
we purposely use logic, reason, facts, common sense and critical thinking,
to help us solve a dilemma and resolve the dissonance.
• People who do you harm won’t listen to facts, logic or reasoning. They lack
common sense. Their thinking is rigid. They believe that the way they see
the world is right, and yours is wrong. You can’t persuade them otherwise.
• Trying to discuss or explain achieves nothing. You can’t use logic, reason or
common sense. Things get more and more frustrating. Eventually you
explode. You are now accused of being ‘crazy’.
• Sometimes is easier to go into denial; “It’s ok”, or “I guess it’s not that bad,
after all they didn’t hit me”.
Warning! Life is toxic. Nothing gets resolved. You are existing but not living.

77. Cognitive Dissonance Examples
Cognitive Dissonance refers to the tension that occurs when what you
believe and what you do don’t match up.
Example 1: You know lying is wrong, but one parent has asked you to lie to
the other or keep a secret from them.
“Don’t tell your mother/Father!”
“Don’t tell anyone. This is our little secret.”
Example 2: Tension also rises when you are told that what you saw, heard, or
did, did not happen (yet you know it did).
“I never said that.”
“That didn’t happen.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re making things up.”

78. Cognitive Dissonance Examples Continued
Example 3:
Tension also arises when what we’re told and what we experience or perceive don’t
match up.
Words: “I’m the best parent in the world. You don’t know how lucky you are!”
Reality: You yell and scream, hit, ignore and hurt my needs and feelings, lie
Example 4:
Words: “You’re the worst kid in the world. So badly behaved. Everyone else’s kids
do the right thing. No-one else has a crazy kid like you. You disgust me. Get out of
my sight. ”
Reality: You are not a terrible child. Your behavior was no different to other
children. This response is way too over-the-top and exaggerated.

79. The Harm of Cognitive Dissonance Continued
Cognitive Dissonance leads to unrelenting mental, emotional, spiritual
and psychological TRAUMA.
Long term it can harm your mental health and physical well-being.
The intensity of the build-up of tension and the associated distress that
comes from cognitive dissonance depends on:
1) Your personality – some people are more sensitive than others
2) How important that value or belief is to you. If you believe in
arriving to school on time is important you will get more distressed
when you are made to arrive late.
3) Your support network
4) How many other stressors there are in your life

80. Other Manipulation and Control Tactics used by
People with Cluster “B” Personalities
Blaming
Shaming
Denial
Guilt Tripping
Playing on Pity
Minimization
Rationalization
Covert (Hidden) Intimidation
Selective Attention
Seduction
Exploiting your weaknesses
Smear Campaign https://theoilyguru.org/2019/04/22/7-manipulation-tactics-used-narcissistic-parents/

81. Blaming and Shaming
Shifts the Blame onto you then puts you down
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/manipulators-shift-blame-deflect-fault/

82. You find yourself Silenced and Isolated
“Don’t you dare tell anyone!”
https://www.jing.fm/iclip/Tbwohm_quiet-clipart-black-and-white/

83. Volatile Emotions - Quick to Anger and Rage
You feel constantly Beaten Down
https://www.clipartmax.com/max/m2i8b1b1G6d3A0b1/

84. Fallout of having a Cluster “B” Parent - Hypervigilant
Always Anxious and Worried
https://brightside.me/inspiration-psychology/10-traits-of-toxic-parents-who-ruin-their-childrens-lives-without-realizing-it-518010/

85. Added Complications –
Things you and your family do that ADD to the HARM
• Your Family justifies and explains away harmful behavior.
“That’s just Dad being Dad.”
“Everyone else’s Dad is the same.”
• You have put up with bad behavior for so long you can no longer see
that it is not acceptable. You only realize if someone else points it out
or if you see other families that do not tolerate that behavior.
• You don’t want to believe that your parent, someone who is meant to
love and protect you, would harm you like this. So, you defend them.
“They didn’t mean it.”
“They don’t know what they’re doing.”

86. Added Complications that Increase Harm
Hidden Abuse leads to Disbelief and Invalidation
• When bad behavior is hidden, other people don’t believe you. Not being
believed is called Invalidation. Invalidation not just hurts, it adds to the
harm.
• Harmful people will go to any lengths not to be found out. They play pretend
and hide the real person. Some say it is like they are wearing a mask.
https://narcfreeliving.com/narcissists-and-the-facade/

87. Complicating Factors to Harmful Relationships
When harmful behavior is so Subtle it doesn’t look bad
Often the harmful behavior is so
subtle you don’t recognize it as
abuse.
Other significant people might not
recognize this abuse either.
Family, teachers, Doctor, Police,
Courts, health professionals.
When harm is subtle you feel
uneasy, confused or ‘odd’ but you
can’t identify why.
Often the harm is presented in a
positive light:
“It’s for your own good.”
“I’m only trying to help.”
“I’m doing this because I love you.”
“No-one else would do this for you.”
“You’ll thank me for this one day.”
“I’m just trying to be the best
parent I can.”
THIS IS GASLIGHTING.

88. Complicating Factors to Harmful Relationships
• This is the only relationship you’ve ever known so you think this is normal.
You believe this happens in every home. No, it does not!
• You’ve been gaslighted “Everyone’s Family is like this.”
• You’ve been disempowered and controlled and
manipulated all your life.
• You’ve been assigned the role of Scapegoat.
• You have trouble accepting that the harmful
behavior is intentional. It is a choice. They
choose their target(s) to hurt. Not everyone is
chosen as a target.
https://smilejunction.in/are-you-always-walking-on-egg-shells-in-your-relationship/

89. Complicating Factors to Harmful Relationships
Your “Denial” in your Overwhelmed Brain
Sometimes the TRUTH hurts so
much we don’t want to believe it.
BUT …
If we can’t accept our truth and
deny it, we end up destroying
ourselves (SELF DESTROY).
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/stop-justifying-your-poisonous-beliefs-the-
curse-of-denial/

90. Complicating Factors to Harmful Relationships
Their “Denial” due to their Personality Disorder
The Harmful Person does not believe
they have a problem so they don’t seek
help.
“I’m not the problem. You are.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You’re the crazy one.”
They may not realize that they have a
personality disorder because their way of
thinking and behaving seems natural and
normal to them. This means they blame
others for the challenges in their lives.
“The problem is you!”

91. Complicating Factors to Harmful Relationships
Invalidation - Other People’s “Denial”
Invalidation is another form of
emotional abuse. Examples include
times when you are:
- Dismissed
- Diminished
- Trivialized
- Denied
- Countered
- Blocked
- Diverted
- Ridiculed
• It wasn’t that bad
• He/she’s such a lovely person
• They didn’t mean it
• I haven’t seen them do/say that
• You’re lying
• You’re exaggerating
• But they’re your family!
• He/she wouldn’t do that
• You’re too sensitive, over-reacting
• They’re just joking

92. Pathological Lying
Destroys Trust in Self and Others
• Healthy children learn a sense of ‘Right and Wrong’ as well as learning
to rely on their own judgement
• When you know the truth and a harmful person contradicts this truth
by lying you end up doubting yourself
• Doubts force you to question your own sense of ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’
• Doubts make you lose trust in the world and others
• Doubts also mean you lose trust of yourself (your SELF)
• Being able to trust yourself and others is crucial for healthy
development

93. Further Complications - Multiple Diagnoses
Even more opportunities for further HARM
People who are diagnosed with a personality disorder most often
qualify for more than one diagnosis.
It's possible to be diagnosed with more than one personality disorder
at the same time.
They can have a personality disorder alongside other mental health
problems, such as anxiety and depression.

94. Warning! Growing up with a Cluster “B” parent can
Damage the Brain
• Children of a Cluster “B” parent can
suffer harm to their physical, cognitive,
emotional, social and spiritual
development.
• Disruption in forming healthy early
relationships can follow them through
life.
• These children exposed to the dramatic
and erratic upbringings learn to
internalize their problems, seen as: low
self-esteem, depression, anxiety, social
withdrawal, apathy, passivity and
helplessness.
• They may have difficulty learning.
https://www.braingle.com/brainteasers/47005/off-with-their-heads.html

95. All children have the right
to grow up feeling safe,
loved and protected.
Do you feel safe, loved and
protected at home?
If not, be brave and
tell an adult(s) you trust. https://www.areyousafeathome.org.au

96. The effects of Parental Harm/Abuse can last a lifetime!
https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse

97. Mental Health Helplines
Are you or someone you know in crisis? This link takes you to hotlines
around the world that can provide you with help. Countries:
United States United Kingdom Ireland Canada Australia
New Zealand India Philippines South Africa
https://www.helpguide.org/find-help.htm
https://216teens.org/about-you/mental-emotional-health/resources-help/

98. https://soloquotes.com/motivational/inspirational-and-motivational-quotes-22-quotes-for-anyone-battling-anxiety-and-depression-12/

99. Quote from Dr Sandra L. Brown, January 4, 2022
From Recovery Without Justice: saferelationshipsmagazine.com
“What illuminates someone’s darkness is the breath of humanity,
eyeball to eyeball, caring, reaching out and touching …
Strong recovery always produces the next generation of Light Bearers.
Each of us is a Light Bearer
and can be the very thing
that dispels the darkness for another.”

100. Jeni Mawter – Light Bearer
Fifteen years ago I chanced upon Narcissistic Personality Disorder while researching
for my young adult novel, Kiss Kill (Published 2012). It was my Lightbulb Moment.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder had been a lifelong bedfellow. By that time in my life
I felt like a person without a soul. I was a “Missing Person in a Body”.
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder took hold. I could no longer function. Given
my tertiary education and work history it was the greatest irony that I was:
- a Speech Pathologist that couldn’t speak, read or write.
- an Acquired Brain Impairment Case Manager with limited cognition/executive
functioning.
- an Author that could not find either words or story.
- a University Lecturer who couldn’t lecture.
Dr Sandra L. Brown CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public
Pathology Education, with whom I completed a Living Recovery Program, requested
I write this resource. Five years in recovery and I am almost back to normal.
Dr Sandra L. Brown is a pioneer in Pathology Survivor Research and Treatment. Her
decades of work has focused on reducing the catastrophic aftermath of Cluster “B”
relationships. She is the author of Women Who Love Psychopaths, How to Spot a
Dangerous Man and Counselling Victims of Violence.

101. “FOR ALL THE DAMAGED CHILDREN” Jeni Mawter
Image by Gerd Altmann pixabay.com