Why NOT Do A Startup (Montreal Intl Startup Festival, july 2011)

1. Why NOTTo Do a Startup … because You Will FAIL, Loser. Dave McClure 500startups.com International Startup Festival Montreal – July 2011 @DaveMcClure

2. #1: Yer a WANTrepreneur. You’re in this for all the Wrong reasons: You think it’s “So Fucking Cool” to do a startup You want to make LOTS of Money. You have Teh AwesomeTechnology Solution. The Right Reasons: You Live in Fear. You Can’t Get Laid. Something has been PISSING you off FOREVER. YOU ARE PASSIONATEABOUT [SOLVING] A [CUSTOMER] PROBLEM

3. #2: You are a FAT and LAZY SLOB You’ve worked at Microsoft for >5 yrs. You Drive a Nice Car & It’s Paid For. You Live in a Big House. You Don’t Worry About Paying Bills. You Want to Kiss The KidsGoodnight. You Your Spouse > Your Startup. tip: Doing a Startup is a Lesson in Pain & Sacrifice.

4. #3: You Have a BUSINESS PLAN,But No Product and No Customers. Bullshit Revenue Projection -----> (up & to the right) See: “Startup Metrics for Pirates”

5. #4: Your Idea SUCKS(and even your Mom thinks so) You Don’t Have a Working Prototype. Worse: Have Prototype, But No One Uses It. It Sucks a Lot More than the Competition. See: “Lean Startup (Ries) & Customer Development (Blank)”

6. #5: You Have Teh Awesome SOLUTION…to a PROBLEM that does not exist. See: “Your Solution Is Not My Problem”

7. #6: You’re a LOSER, not a LEADER. You Procrastinate. A Lot. You’re not Charismatic. You Get Beaten [Up] Regularly. Your Vision is usually Wrong. You’re Scared of Change. When Other People Tell You That You’re Wrong, You Believe Them. …and you’re Uglytoo, bitch. Watch: “Kick-Ass” or “Glee”

8. #7: Your Pitch Sucks & You Won’t Raise Money (or SuperAngelsCollude to Screw You Over) 50 slides in your deck Technical Jargon Demo FAIL Clueless Investors EVIL Investors See: “How To Pitch a VC”

9. #8: Your Team Sucks, and You Have No Idea How to Hire (or Fire). No Technical Founders / Coders No Design / UX / Usability No Internet Mktg (Search, Social) No Mobileexpertise No Enterprise Sales / Biz Dev No Recruiter, or They Suck… Bad.

10. #9: CoFounders& Employees =Whiners. You WILL miss a payroll. Someone WILL eat last slice of pizza. There WILL be Office Politics. People WILL discover and compare salary & stock options. Someone WILL sueyer ass: Sexual Harassment Wrongful Termination Unhappy Customer Jealous Competitor

11. #10: You Can’t Sell or Market 4 Shit. You Don’t Know Marketing. You Think Marketing = TechCrunch. You Don’t Know What SEO stands for. You Think SEM = SEO. You Don’t Know or Use Social Platforms (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube). You’ve never built Facebook or iPhone App, or a Social Game. You’ve never sent an email campaign, written a blog post, or run an affiliate marketing campaign. See: “Startup-Marketing.com (Ellis)”

12. #11: You’d Rather Change the Channel Than Change The World. Wouldn’t you rather watch GLEE or Monday Night Football? Sure you would, Loser. Just relaaaaaxxxxxx. Fuck. That. Noise.