1. I have not accepted gracefully this notion
that as you grow up,
awards get fewer and farther between.

2. Where is my plaque
for not talking on the phone in the library?
Where is my participation trophy
for that hellish week?
How about extra credit
if we really try hard this time?
? Well Done, You

3. And so
to those who like to believe
they’re winners
I offer the following solution

4. Instead of
waiting around
Invent categories judge generously
&
?

5. play to your strengths
tr y and
c ceptance
our own a
m ake up y
speeches
The trick is to think creatively when it comes to awards season.

6. & so.
In recognition of your
having read this far,
It is my honor
to present you
w/
a few examples
of what I mean

7. Pulitzer Prize - Email
Best Imagined but Ultimately Unsent Msg

8. Best wishes and all that -
don’t get me wrong. But all
I really want to say is that I
heard that song we used to
play and thought of you.
I didn’t even hear it, just
saw it on a list I was scrolling
through.
wish it were easier to
share these small details.

9. Instead, for me to share 3 minutes of nostalgia, I need to formulate at least
a paragraph’s worth of pleasant inquires, references to entire eras, personal
details.
I don’t really know what to tell you about my life, I guess it just seems
presumptuous to assume your interest.

10. But I didn’t think of any of this
when I saw the song, I just thought of you.
And remembered a time long before
any I would have to tell you about now

11. A MacArthur
for your
Brief
Moment
of Genius

12. That time coming home on the red line you were particularly swept up in
the movement of the train, thoughts of schools, questions, assignments.
We compartmentalize our genius, selling it off in shares.
ϖ
cos (ϖτ)]
Αϖ2 [-(1 - ϖ )sin(ϖτ) q
2
v(t) = 2
(1 - ϖ2) + ϖ /Q
2 2
n
authentic communicatio
θ(t) = 2 2 + ϖ2/inside joke
2
(1 - ϖ )

13. There’s always groups of college kids on the train.
They’re loud and eager to be on an outing. They seem too young.
The groups have a Talkative Leader, someone who uses this idle time as an
opportunity to get the group caught up on recent personal events.
∞
∫
0
(emptiness)
n!

14. You hear a lot about people’s lives while
trying listen to podcasts about someone
else’s life, someone more interesting. One
passenger was a drama major, and she was
terrible, really, though you were also in a
misc bad mood. And when your stop came you
had to move around them, you said excuse
me, and you could tell the Talkative
Leader was saying something to you. You
couldn’t hear it.
But you focused and you heard her say,
for the benefit of her friends “oh you can’t
hear me, don’t worry about it.” and there
is chaos of the stop and still, you’re really
angry for some reason, Mad at Leaders
who make you feel old.

15. You search for a way to
communicate instantly that
none of it matters, that you
are already, moving on, your
thoughts ready to get lost
again on the walk home
You look at her and say,
“i wasn’t worried
about it”
There is a fear in her eyes and
a pause. Her friends laugh as
you get off the train.

16. nobel
peace
prize
by grace kelly

17. peace is about letting go.
let me tell you a story I’ll never forget.

18. so i threw a party like you
wouldn’t fucking believe.

19. ording to plan
g was go ing acc
Ever ythin

20. And then that woman has the fucking
nerve to show her face at my party?
oh hell no After all we’ve been through, after
everything’s that happened - promises
made and broken. So many dreams,
smashed like ships off the coast of the
country im gonna run.
I wanted to do destroy her, and we all
know I could’ve.
Hell, Hitchcock woulda filmed it.

21. but
I am here today because I did something else.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes,
and thought something I want all of you to remember
next time you feel violent

22. None of this will matter when you’re royalty

24. Showing maximum concern for his own life plan, K deserted his fellow
interns immediately upon entering contested territory. After collecting
valuable intel, K conducted a horrifically effective slash and burn offensive
across the industry happy hour.
Brandishing business cards as if they were winning lottery tickets, K
demonstrated what some observers called “an entitled charisma bordering
on the pathological” as he fought back waves of competitors.

25. here, let me give you my card

26. International War Crimes Tribunal

27. We know you lied on your
college apps

28. is looking for that special edge
We know it ’s tough these days. Everyone
? Your essay (titled “I paint
and those oboe lesso ns didn’t really pan out, did they
g, was also a plagiaristic hybrid of
with all the colors of the Win”) while movin
the Eat Pray Love style of self
Pocahontas and Slumdog Millionaire, told in
discovery th rough over simplification.
We regret to inform
you.

29. and then
we can
do anything
we want
- F. Apple
The End
-Annie Swank
6/30/12