15. 5 Family Fears
1. Fear that our children will make life-
dominating mistakes.
2. Fear that our children will not “turn out
right.”
3. Fear that we are failing as a family.
4. Fear that a family member will die or be
seriously injured or sick.
5. Fear that our children will not share out
family’s values and faith.
Schreur and Shreur (1994, pp. 38-39)
16. Anxiety activates the lower hemisphere of
our brain. Feelings become
overpowering, we react rather than
respond thoughtfully. Thinking is narrowly
focused. We blame, defend, attack. We
become careless about our own
boundaries and are unable to respect the
boundaries of others. Anxious, we are
preoccupied with self-preservation.
What can we do?
17.
18. Be anxious for nothing, but everything
by prayer and supplication, with
thanksgiving, let your request be
made known unto God. Phil. 4:6
(ask for God to change you, not those you think are the cause of your anxiety
and pain.)
Be transformed through the renewing
of your 85%!, that you may discern
what is the will of God, what is good
and acceptable and perfect. Rom.
12:1,2
19. “Those who desire to be
perfect parents really desire
perfect children
so that their own image
is exalted.”
20. My life is determined to
make others feel guilty
and pressured so they
will never let me down.
Dictatorial Enmeshed
IndulgentDetached
Rigid
Disconnected
Overly
Connected
Permissive
Life depends on
convincing others
they can’t live
without me.
Life depends on
indulging others so I
will be accepted and
appreciated.
Life depends on
keeping others from
blaming me for what
goes wrong.
Safe
Zone
21. DISTANT DEFIANT
DUTIFUL COMPLIANT DEPENDENT PASSIVE
MANIPULATIVE IRRESPONSIBLE
Life depends on convincing
others…
Core Belief:
Life Depends on getting what I
want without…
Asking anything of me.
Reward without
Responsibility.
Core Belief:
Life depends on giving power &
responsibility to others…,
obsessed
opposed
dependentindependent
I’m someone I’m not.
Core Belief:
Depending upon anyone.
So change will not
depend upon me.
Core Belief:
Life depends on giving me
what I want without…
22. `
DISTANT DEFIANT
DUTIFUL COMPLIANT DEPENDENT PASSIVE
MANIPULATIVE IRRESPONSIBLE
Moral Superiority, anxious to
please, perfectionism, rigid,
repress or underreport
negative emotions, functional
friends-if they work for them,
Rule-breakers, deceitful,
power-hungry,
promiscuous, few friends,
“If you love me, you’ll let
me use you.”
Charming, naturally
talented, outgoing,
sociable, seductive,
always changing friends.
Quiet, Passive, Fearful,
Non-assertive, little eye
contact, melt into
background, easily
controlled by others
obsessed
opposed
dependentindependent
Intimacy isn’t important,
just what they can do for
me, fear of failure,
shame.
23. Dictatorial Parenting (Authoritative)
•Make others feel guilty and pressured so
they will never let me down.
Mercy
Lam. 3 His mercies are…
•Angrily demanding, fault finding
•Cut their kids off when talking
Disapproving;
•High Concern for responsibility /
low concern for relationship.
•Make others keep their distance
•I keep my children busy to help fulfill
my goals. (My needs are center stage.)
24. My oldest daughter and I have a "love/hate" relationship it seems. Though we
never said hate, her disobedience and my anger seemed to convey that.
Because of the messages I have heard this weekend and by the Lord's help, I
already have seen a difference.
I am being more patient and more of a servant now. The afternoon I came
back, we were at church for a missions conference and my younger daughter
had to go to the bathroom. I asked my oldest daughter if she could please
accompany her and she said no. Instead of getting upset and scolding her for
not being willing (acting like the Holy Spirit) as I usually do, I said “Ok, I will do
it.” Shortly afterwards, she came to me and said she was sorry. Just yesterday,
she folded the laundry without being asked and she has never done that before!
Thank you so much for your exhortion to be more Christ-like. May God richly
bless you and your ministry!
With a grateful heart,
25. Enmeshed Parenting
•Uses own children as comfort
•Father and mother always know best
•Parents feel like a martyr
•Not fault finding…
•Overprotective & inquisitive
Faith
Fault reminding!Fault reminding!
•Can’t change parenting style as child
grows and expresses independence.
•Disables independent behavior
•Convince others they cannot live without me.
26. Indulgent Parenting
•Indulges others so they’ll be
accepted & appreciated
•Parent pleads, over trusting, thrive
on harmony
•Parent uses child to meet parents needs
•Easily hurt, under use parental power
•Whatever it takes from keeping your child from
pushing you away
•Fear based
•Selfishness is at the center
Vulnerable
with
boundaries
27. • "If a child learns a trade, or his highly educated
for a lucrative profession, all is nothing compared
to the art of detachment from riches; if you want to
make your child rich, teach him this. he is truly rich
who does not desire great possessions, or
surrounds himself with wealth, but who requires
nothing…Don't worry about giving him an
influential reputation, for worldly wisdom, but
ponder deeply how you can teach him to think
lightly of this life's passing glories, thus he will
become truly renowned and glorious…Don't strive
to make him a clever orator, but teach him to love
true wisdom. He will suffer if he lacks clever
words, but if he lacks wisdom, all the rhetoric in
the world can't help him. A pattern of life is what is
needed, not empty speeches; character, not
cleverness; deeds, not words. These things will
secure the kingdom of God and bestow God's
blessings. Chrystosom 347 AD.
28. Detached Parenting
•Defer decisions / Permissive
•Hands off, let things run their course.
•Let others lead their kids
Grace
•Keeping others from blaiming
me for what goes wrong.
•Work-a-holic, involved outside home,
father home late
29. Results of Dictatorial Parenting
(Authoritative)
And Jephthah vowed a vow
unto the LORD, and said, …it
shall be, that whatsoever
cometh forth of the doors of my
house to meet me, when I
return in peace from the
children of Ammon, shall surely
be the LORD's, and I will offer
it up for a burnt offering.
Judges 11:30-31
Mercy
30. Results of Dictatorial Parenting
(Authoritative)
And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his
house, and, behold, his daughter came
out to meet him with timbrels and with
dances: and she was his only child;
beside her he had neither son nor
daughter. And it came to pass, when he
saw her, that he rent his clothes, and
said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast
brought me very low, and thou art
one of them that trouble me: for I
have opened my mouth unto
the LORD, and I cannot go back.
Mercy
31. Results of Dictatorial Parenting
(Authoritative)
And she said unto her father, Let
this thing be done for me: let me
alone two months, that I may go
up and down upon the mountains,
and bewail my virginity, I and my
maidens.
Judges 11:37
Mercy
32. Dear Mark,
I am a mother of 3 children, a 10 year old son, a 4 year old
daughter, and an almost 3 year old son. They are wonderful
children, around everyone else. They are respectful and
obedient, for everyone else. They are loving and kind, to
everyone else. I'm not saying that they are horrible towards
me, but the loving moments are few and far between when
compared to the times we are frequently at odds and I am
yelling and screaming and "molding" them. I am a screamer,
and in my 10 years of parenting my temper has gotten hotter
and my patience shorter. My mother was a screamer and I
believe I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child and
swore that I would never do that to my children. But here I am
as an adult doing to my children what my mother did to me,
jokingly talking to my friends about the therapy they'll need as
adults while my heart was breaking inside for the way I treated
them. Until now I haven't been able to break this cycle. I
hadn't tried the one thing I should have tried from the
beginning - prayer.
33. I had grown very distant from God and my relationship with Him had become very
strained. I have felt Him tugging at my heart, but I have been rebelling against Him,
like my children have rebelled against me. I haven't had devotional time, prayer time,
or gone to church regularly for years. My husband takes our three children to church
by himself every Sunday. I have used the excuse that I needed to sleep (I work
nights every weekend as a nurse and get off at 7:30 am Sunday and have to be back
Sunday night at 7:00 pm), but I have been able to stay up and attend church once
every 3 or 4 months if there was a special function. I was so far from God that I didn't
know where to even begin to draw near to Him again.
• I believe that God placed me in that auditorium Friday to reach me. God used you to
finally get though to me and break my heart. I cried throughout the hour, wiping tear
after tear from my face, first hoping that no one noticed me (after all, it's ALL about
what other people think...that's what Mom always said), then later not caring. My
relationship with God was broken and my relationship with my children was being
destroyed by my hands and words. All of the letters that you shared sounded like I
could have written them. The detailed examples you gave sounded like me, always
scolding, yelling, demanding more.
• At the end of the lecture I walked across the hall to the bathroom to compose myself.
Usually when something affects me to tears I can wipe them away and go on. I
ended up in a stall in the bathroom, sobbing and crying out to God. I don't know how
long I was in there, I just know that things are different now. The Holy Spirit worked a
change in me that day. That was the first time I've prayed to God in years, really
prayed. I've sent up little prayers when I needed or wanted something, but I haven't
REALLY prayed.
•
34. When I went back to the hotel later that day, my husband noticed the change. He kept
asking me if I was ok. I told him about your lecture and how great the conference was,
but I haven't explained the whole experience to him. I was calm with my children the rest
of the day. I didn't lose my patience even once. I asked less of them and did more for
them. I got up from the floor or bed to get something for myself instead of asking my 10
year old to retrieve it. I didn't yell and scream when my daughter was having a stubborn,
demanding moment that before would have sent me off the deep end in 3 seconds. I
didn't scream or yell, not that I could have if I had wanted to. (Oh, I neglected to tell you
that God had taken my voice from me on this particular day. I had been sick during the
week and my voice was getting hoarse on Thursday, but on Friday it was GONE. This
was either a sick joke on God's part or His divine intervention. I believe the latter, that
He was giving me that little extra bit of help that I needed to get started.) My husband
told me later that night "It got through." I asked "What got through?" He replied,
"Whatever you heard today. It got through."
It is now Monday morning and I haven't raised my voice (which came back on
Saturday) in almost 3 full days. My son (who is not an openly affectionate child in public)
came up beside me several times at Universal Studios yesterday and held my hand as
we walked through the park. He is talking to me again. My 2 year old picked me a
flower and then, as he was walking away, he turned around and told me " You need to
put it in water, Mommy." They are beginning to warm up to me again. I can see their
fear melting, but there is still an air of caution there. My daughter isn't quite as forgiving
and I'm searching for subtle changes. I know that they will come, but she will be my
biggest test.
35. At my parents' home last night my oldest was playing with my brother-in-law's air rocket
in the front yard. When my brother-in-law went outside to put the rocket away, there was
one missing. My son swore that they were there when he came inside. Normally, he
would go to his grave swearing that he had or hadn't done something, even when all of
the evidence pointed to the contrary. We were all wandering around aimlessly with
flashlights looking for the missing rocket. I took my son aside and told him that I needed
him to tell me the truth. I told him I wouldn't be mad (not a promise I had kept in the
past) but that we needed to know what happened to it. He took his flashlight and shined
it high into a tree where the light reflected off the white tip off the rocket. He had known
exactly where the rocket had landed, and he FINALLY trusted me with the truth. My
heart was so full in that moment. My son wasn't afraid of me.
I know that this change won't happen overnight. It's going to take a lot of prayer, but I'm
talking to God again and rebuilding that relationship while I rebuild my relationships with
my children. I have sent small prayers to God continuously since that day. I pray for
strength to get through a single moment. I praise Him for small accomplishments. I pray
for wisdom. And I pray prayers of thanks that He put me in Orlando on Friday, in your
lecture, where He worked a change in my life.
This letter ended up being much longer that I originally anticipated. Thank you for your
time. I needed to share my experience and I thought that you would like to hear how
your words and the Holy Spirit's work changed my life.
Thank you,
36. Results of Emmeshed Parenting
Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his
children, because he was the son of his old
age: and he made him a coat of many
colors. And when his brethren saw that
their father loved him more than all his
brethren, they hated him, and could not
Faith
speak peaceably unto him.
And Joseph dreamed a
dream, and he told it his
brethren: and they hated him
yet the more.
Gen. 37:3-5
37. • Gen 44:29 If you take this one also from
me, and harm happens to him, you will
bring down my gray hairs in evil to Sheol.'
• Gen 44:30 "Now therefore, as soon as I
come to your servant my father, and the
boy is not with us, then, as his life is
bound up in the boy's life,
• Gen 44:31 as soon as he sees that the
boy is not with us, he will die, and your
servants will bring down the gray hairs of
your servant our father with sorrow to
Sheol.
38. Results of Indulgent Parenting
Now the sons of Eli were
worthless men; they knew not
the LORD. And the priests'
custom with the people was,
that, when any man offered
sacrifice, the priest's servant
came, while the flesh was in
seething, with a fleshhook of
three teeth in his hand.
1 Samuel 2:12,13
Truth
39. Results of Indulgent Parenting
And if any man said unto him,
Let them not fail to burn the fat
presently, and then take as much as
thy soul desireth; then he would
answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give
it me now: and if not, I will take it by
force. Wherefore the sin of the
young men was very great before
the LORD: for men abhorred the
offering of the LORD.
1 Samuel 2:16, 17
Truth
40. Results of Indulgent
Parenting
And Absalom came to the king, and
said, Behold now, thy servant hath
sheepshearers; let the king, I
beseech thee, and his servants go
with thy servant. And the king said
to Absalom, Nay, my son, let us not
all now go, lest we be chargeable
unto thee. And he pressed him:
howbeit he would not go, but
blessed him.
2 Samuel 13:24, 25
Truth
41. Results of Indulgent
Parenting
Then said Absalom, If not, I pray thee,
let my brother Amnon go with us. And
the king said unto him, Why should he
go with thee? But Absalom pressed
him, that he let Amnon and all the
king's sons go with him. Now Absalom
had commanded his servants, saying,
Mark ye now when Amnon's heart is
merry …then kill him, fear not: have not
I commanded you? be courageous and
be valiant.
2 Sam. 13:28.
Truth
42. Results of Detached
Parenting
And Caleb said, He that
smiteth Kirjath-sepher, and
taketh it, to him will I give
Achsah my daughter to wife.
And Othniel the son of Kenaz,
Caleb's younger brother, took
it: and he gave him Achsah
his daughter to wife.
Judges 1:12-15
Grace
43. Results of Detached
Parenting
And it came to pass, when she came to
him, that she moved him to ask of her
father a field: and she lighted from off
her donkey; and Caleb said unto her,
What wilt thou?
And she said unto him, Give me a
blessing: for thou hast given me a
south land; give me also springs of
water. And Caleb gave her the upper
springs and the nether springs.
Judges 1:14-15
Grace
44. Does Grace Really Work?
Dear Mr. Hamby,
…When our first child was born 7 years ago, I
looked and looked for Christian teaching on
discipline and raising godly children. I settled on a
"first-time obedience" approach that was popular.
My husband willingly went along with it, being as
uncertain as I was about how to raise godly
children.
45. I carried a lot of anger and resentment toward my
children. I viewed their disobedience as a personal
offense against me. I was exasperated by their lack
of self-control and emotions. My oldest daughter is
very strong-willed, and her temper tantrums were
outrageous. The tantrums were not used as a tool to
get attention in public or to manipulate me, but they
were always directed at me (rarely her father)… Her
behavior outside of the home was impeccable. It
made it very hard to talk with anyone about this
problem.
46. No one believed there WAS a problem, or passed
it off as an isolated incident or a “stage.” And no
one ever, ever challenged me to remove the log
in my own eye. She did not sleep well at night
since very early on. She was defiant and talked
back a lot. My daughter never completed a chore
without intervention from me. She was
determined to have her say when corrected. It
was an uphill battle all the time, and quite frankly I
didn't enjoy her at all.
47. …I had found a discipline style that suited me
early on...but I had not truly searched the
scriptures to find how to reach my children’s
hearts. While I thought I was following God's
lead, I realize that I had my own agenda and it
was a self-righteous one that didn't require me to
change. I wasn't willing to consider that my
convictions were selfish ones. I confessed my
sin to the Lord and began to show more
tenderness and self-control with my daughter. I
still fell into the old ways often, though.
48. It wasn't until I listened to your tapes that I really
heard some things to apply in my life…I could
have put my name in your place. I was ALWAYS
correcting my daughter, ALWAYS finding fault with
her endeavors, ALWAYS saying her name in a
way that implied disapproval or correction,
ALWAYS fussing about undone chores. I had
placed responsibility over relationship. I had a child
who was fearful of my correction - that's the root of
the sleep problem, and the reason for her
unwillingness to try so many things. I was not
casting out fear with love.
49. …I realized that little Sarah had very little chance of earning
my approval. I stopped getting angry every time a simple
chore was left undone. I stopped spanking. I stopped
lecturing. I started cleaning her toys up outside without
asking her to help. I went upstairs and made her bed in the
morning. She spent a Saturday morning with me to run
errands. I asked her what she wanted to do, and that's what
we did. The errands got done another day. She loves
flowers and gardens; I bought her a ton of seed packets and
helped her plant them. She loves to paint; I started painting
with her several times a week. I started hanging a butterfly
on her closet door at night after she fell asleep, so if she
woke up she would KNOW that I had kept my promise to
check on her. I started hugging and kissing her intentionally.
50. In a matter of days, the most remarkable thing
happened. I was doing some cleaning, and I asked
my youngest to do a small chore, which she did
willingly. Without my asking for help, Sarah set
about doing chores—big chores that required a lot
of effort on her part. She dusted, swept, and
washed dishes. She straightened up and put
things away properly. It was then I realized what a
different child she had become. She sleeps better
at night. She laughs more, and she is not as angry.
51. She takes offenses from her younger sister better.
She handles disappointment with grace and not
anger. She says “yes ma'am” and “no ma'am”
consistently. She accepts my correction willingly
and changes her behavior when necessary. She
cleans up her outdoor toys without being told. She
wants me to read to her now instead of just
tolerating it. And best of all, she has started talking
about the things that are in her heart, and she
wants ME to hear them.
52. When I started trying to disciple Sarah the way
Jesus would, she bloomed. She is a joy to be
with, and I have lost my anger and impatience.
When those feelings do try and creep to the
surface I can label them, confess them, and deal
with them before they control me.
…God allows us to remember our sins, not so we
condemn ourselves repeatedly, but so we can
show others what he has delivered us from. …
Our God is a GREAT God.
54. Results of Detached
Parenting
And when Shechem the son of
Hamor the Hivite, prince of the
country, saw Dinah the daughter
of Jacob, he took her, and lay with
her, and defiled her. And his soul
clave unto Dinah the daughter of
Jacob, and he loved the damsel,
and spake kindly unto the damsel.
Genesis 34:1-5
Grace
55. Results of Detached
Parenting
And Shechem spake unto his
father Hamor, saying, Get me this
damsel to wife. And Jacob heard
that he had defiled Dinah his
daughter: now his sons were with
his cattle in the field: and Jacob
held his peace until they were
come.
Genesis 34:27-30
Grace
56. Results of Detached
Parenting
The sons of Jacob came upon the
slain, and spoiled the city, because
they had defiled their sister. They
took their sheep, and their oxen, and
their asses, and that which was in
the city, and that which was in the
field, And all their wealth, and all
their little ones, and their wives took
they captive, and spoiled even all
that was in the house.
Genesis 34:27-30
Grace
57. Results of Detached
Parenting
And Jacob said to Simeon and
Levi, Ye have troubled me to
make me to stink among the
inhabitants of the land…
and I being few in number, they
shall gather themselves together
against me, and slay me; and I
shall be destroyed, I and my
house.
Genesis 34:27-30
(different styles of parenting for each child)
Grace
58. Results of Detached
Parenting
Then said Hezekiah unto Isaiah, Good is the
word of the LORD which thou hast spoken.
And he said, is it not good, if peace and
truth be in my days?
And the rest of the acts of Hezekiah, and
all his might, and how he made a pool, and a
conduit, and brought water into the city, are
they not written in the book of the chronicles
of the kings of Judah? And Hezekiah slept
with his fathers: and Manasseh his son
reigned in his stead.
2nd Kings 20: 19 – 21.
Grace
59. Results of Detached
Parenting Grace
Manasseh was twelve years old when he
began to reign, and reigned fifty and five
years in Jerusalem.
2nd Kings 21:1
And he did that which was evil in the sight of
the LORD, after the abominations of the
heathen, whom the LORD cast out before
the children of Israel.
V.2.
60. THE GOALS OF MISBEHAVIOR
If the PARENT
FEELS:
And tends
to REACT
by:
And if the CHILD’S
RESPONSE is:
The CHILD’S
GOAL is:
Which means the
CHILD
BELIEVES:
A PARENT’S
ALTERNATIVES include:
Annoyed
Irritated
Reminding
Coaxing
Stops temporarily, but
later resumes same or
another disturbing
behavior
UNDUE
ATTENTION (to
keep others busy
with him)
I count (belong) only
when I’m being
noticed or served. I’m
only important when I
am keeping you busy
with me.
Ignore. Give positive attention at
other times. Avoid undue service.
Say it only once, then act. Make
special time. Set up routines. Take
time for training. Use natural and
logical consequences. Encourage.
Angry
Provoked
Challenged
Threatened
Fighting;
Giving in:
Thinking:
“You can’t
get away
with it.”
“I’ll make
you.”
Wanting to
be right.
Intensifies behavior;
Defiant compliance; Feels
he’s won when parents are
upset.
POWER (to be
boss)
I belong only when I
am boss or in control,
or proving no one can
boss me.
“You can’t make me.”
Don’t fight and give in. Withdraw
from conflict. Ask for help. Do the
unexpected. Be firm and kind. Act,
don’t talk. Develop mutual respect.
Develop positive power. Give
limited choices. Set reasonable and
few limits. Encourage.
Hurt
Disappointment
Disbelief
Disgust
Retaliating;
Getting
even;
Thinking:
“How could
you do this
to me?”
Feeling
sorry for.
Retaliates;
Intensifies;
Escalates the same
behavior or chooses
another weapon.
REVENGE
(to get even)
I belong only by
hurting others as I feel
hurt. I can’t be liked
or loved.
Avoid feeling hurt. Avoid
punishment and retaliation. Build
trust. Deal with the hurt feelings.
Use reflective listening. Make
amends. Show you care. Act, don’t
talk. Encourage.
Despair
Hopelessness
Worry
“I give up.”
Giving up;
Doing for;
Over-
helping
Retreats further;
Passive;
No improvement;
No response
ASSUMED
DISABILITY
Display of
INADEQUACY
(to be left alone)
I belong only by
convincing others not
to expect anything of
me. I am helpless and
unable; it’s no use
trying.
Stop all criticism. Encourage any
positive attempt, no matter how
small. Focus on assets. Don’t pity.
Don’t give up. Show faith. Offer
chances for success. Teach skills /
Show ho. Take small steps. Step
back. Encourage, encourage,
encourage.
61. Safe Zone Safe Zone
Safe Zone
R
E
S
P
O
N
S
I
B
I
L
I
T
Y
R
E
L
A
T
I
O
N
S
H
I
P
Safe Zone
62. Serving
w/ Humility
involvement,
support, privilege
Mercy & Grace
Independence
Widen
Boundaries
Closeness w/ Balance
Faith
Relationship w/ Father
Connectedness
Sacrifice,
Trust &
Love
Deferred Gratification
Increased Responsibility
expectations,
consequences,
TRUTH
R
E
S
P
O
N
S
I
B
I
L
I
T
Y
R
E
L
A
T
I
O
N
S
H
I
P
Psalm 103: 8-18
Judges 11
Prov. 18:12,13
Eph. 6:4
Col. 3:21
Prov. 10:12
Psalm 131
Genesis 37
Judges 1
Genesis 34
2nd
Kings 20 & 21
Proverbs 16
I John 1:7
1st
Samuel 2
Proverbs 22:29
Psalm 1
63. “By far, most issues adults bring into
counseling are directly related
to their fathers.”
Minirth, Neman, & Warren, 1992, p. 12
Malachi 4:6
64. Dear Mark,
God has been working hard on my heart for the last several years about changes I
needed to make. Of course I resisted every time.
God has been revealing to me that I was losing my son’s heart. Then I heard your gift of
telling the story of God's heart and sharing your life cut to the core. Like Fenelon
said, God knew exactly where to place the knife ... He knew exactly what I needed to
hear to WAKE UP and see my son's wounded spirit.
My son just wants me to love him and accept him, but because he's so much like me and
because I have so many issues with loving and accepting the ugliness in my life (past
and present), I wasn't doing what wasn't done for me! I wasn't really LOVING my
son. I wasn't valuing him as a gift from God. Though not perfect, I am getting better
because I am learning so much about myself; I can never thank you enough! You are
my mentor and I hope to learn much from you over the years! I know it's a message
that I can't hear just once, but one that I need to hear OVER AND OVER AND OVER
again until I can learn to love better and love like God loves me.
I have a lot of learning to do about God's heart for me and accepting that the God I met
as a child was sorely misrepresented. The God I met was a condemner, a finger-
pointer, he knew my sins, each and every one. He saw me hiding under my bed
when I was five trying to escape punishment. He didn't accept me for who I was and
not only that, he helped me build a wall around my heart, brick by brick, to 'protect'
myself ... but now I know that wasn't God. But I was too young to know and too afraid
to talk to anyone about my fears. So I built a wall and became STRONG in my heart
so that my heart couldn't be hurt. To this day, I have NO IDEA why or how I became
a brick-laying-wall-builder. And to this day I am still having to tear down that wall and
expose my heart so that God can show me WHO HE IS, so I can allow Him to love
me, so I can change.
65. • You taught me that, that it's all about a heart change; a heart change that takes place
when I apply the Word of God to my life. It came when you read that woman's letter ...
Sarah's mom. She shared that she had no joy in her child and I broke down. I don't have
joy in my son. I have had much joy with my other children but not with my son. I could
have written the first half of her letter! The key God spoke about is that I can and will write
the second half of her letter someday! That there is healing restoration for me and my son,
healing restoration for my heart.
• One day at a time, one brick at a time, God will tear down that wall around my heart and as
HE does, I will love better the people who I truly love the most! Thank you for being an
instrument to His will. You've likely saved my life and the life of my children because your
story has forever changed me.
• I have a passion too; that my children KNOW and FEEL and fully EXPERIENCE God's
love through me. I want to be a living legacy for my children, they are the ONLY things I
can take to heaven someday and I passionately want them to choose Christ! I want my
children to know the ONE TRUE God, to know how incredibly passionate He is for each
one of them. We went on a trip recently and I told my daughter how God made those
mountains so beautiful with her in mind. He made them just for her enjoyment, and for a
moment, I saw what it's like to see someone see God - her face was radiant, like Moses'
must have been!!! I wish you could have seen her! I told her about how God made her
heart with his own hands, how he fashioned it and molded it and placed it in her chest
inside my womb. How he loves her and delights in her joy for the things of God.
• I am getting a chance to do for my children what was not done for me ... to tell them the
truth of God and love them like God loves them. To help them trust Him and rely on Him
and go to Him with everything. Thank you for reminding me of the preciousness of the gift
that they truly are and for teaching me about God's heart—for me!
• I know this is rather long, but the message you have needs to be heard by everyone! I
have many, many friends who NEED to hear what you have said about God's love and
loving others!
• Laura
66. • Dear Laura:
• You can be sure of one thing, that Satan is going to do everything in his power to
destroy the work that was started in your life. You are just too injurious to his plan
because you might just truly live out what you have heard. And if you do that, your
children may be detrimental to his plan, not to mention your marriage.
• Dear Mark:
• You know, it's funny you mention that...
• Two of my VERY closest girlfriends, {who happen to be struggling with some of the
same issues (an incorrect view of who God IS, and the frustrations of raising children)}
have been wonderful advisors, listeners, shoulders, etc. We have all come to the same
conclusion, that Satan is after our children. If he can twist love into something it's NOT
and warp them into believing the lie he had me believe ... I just shudder to think!
• One thing that I am finding is that many of my friends are dealing with similar issues! I
am beginning to think it is somewhat a generational thing ...
•
• Ryan and I finished Teddy's Button last week! Oh that book was such a blessing to us
and Godly timed as we have been dealing with character issues and TB really helped
Ryan to understand the real battle! Now, I KNOW you've never heard anyone say this,
but honestly, it WAS the best book I have ever read! We've talked about it for days
since and I often remind Ryan of the Bully Teddy fought and how Ryan's real enemy is
in his own heart as it is for all of us! You know what he asked me? "Can I kill my
enemy?" OH, my heart breaks for him - on one hand, yes Ryan you can fight to defeat
him every day, but no son, you can't kill him, he's part of you. Only when you die and go
to heaven will you be without your enemy. It's moments like these where I get a glimpse
of the power God stirs in my son's heart. How fragile is that relationship between Ryan
and I that will ultimately determine how easily he defeats his enemy and how hard he
works to fly the Banner of Love!!
• Laura
67. Involvement / Expectation / Support / Privilege / Authority / Consequ
HIGH
LOW
WHERE AM I AS A PARENT?
68.
69. Sarah Edwards knew how to make her children regard and
obey her cheerfully, without loud angry words, much less
heavy blows. She seldom punished them, and in speaking to
them, used gentle and pleasant words. If any correction was
necessary, she did not administer it in passion; when she had
occasion to reprove and rebuke she would do it in few
words, without noise; she had need to speak but once; she
was cheerfully obeyed because she convinced her children of the
reasonableness of her request; murmuring and answer again were
not known among them. The kind and gentle treatment they
received from their mother, while she strictly and
punctiliously maintained her parental authority, seemed
naturally to…promote a filial respect and affection, and to
lead them to a mild, tender treatment of each other.
Quarrelling and contention, which too frequently take place
among children, were in her family unknown.
