1. PAULETTE GEANACOPOULOS, LMSW
Director, Department of Social Work
Greek Orthodox Ladies Philoptochos Society, Inc.
REV. FR. CHRYSOSTOMOS GILBERT
Proistamenos, Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church, New York City
February 24, 2015
An online presentation for the Center for Family Care of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America
Copyright © 2015 Greek Orthodox Ladies Philoptochos Society, Inc. All rights reserved.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
Identifying and Responding to
Intimate Partner Abuse

2. GREEK ORTHODOX LADIES PHILOPTOCHOS SOCIETY
126 East 37th Street, New York, NY 10016
Paulette Geanacopoulos, LMSW
Main Number: 212.977.7770
Confidential Social Work line: 212.977.7782
Email: socialwork@Philoptochos.org
www.philoptochos.org
The Greek Orthodox Ladies Philoptochos Society, Inc. is the philanthropic arm of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of
America. With a membership of 27,000, it is the largest Christian women’s organization in the USA. Since its founding in
1931, Philoptochos has offered philanthropy through a multitude of programs that make a difference in the lives of people
in the United States and throughout the world. In 1987, Philoptochos established a Department of Social Work staffed by
bi-lingual (Greek-English) Master’s level Licensed Social Workers who provide direct services to Orthodox Christians in
need throughout the United States regardless of their immigration status. Persons are helped to resolve, as best as possible,
issues of poverty and income inadequacies; health and mental health; hunger and food insecurity; housing and
homelessness; aging, youth and family services; and domestic violence including intimate partner, elder and child abuse.
Services include supportive counseling, interim case management, short-term interventions, information about and referrals
to local and broader resources; advocacy to ensure those seeking help obtain what is rightfully theirs, and limited financial
assistance within the guidelines of the Society. The Social Work office also organizes seminars and workshops, and develops
resources and informational materials to inform our community about the issues impacting our population. For more
information and to download our materials, please visit www.Philoptochos.org/socialservices
ANNUNCIATION GREEK ORTHODOX CHURCH
302 West 91st Street, New York, NY 10024
(212) 724-2070
Rev. Fr. Chrysostomos Gilbert, Proistamenos
Email: info@annunciation-nyc.org
www.annunciation-nyc.org
Established in 1892, the Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church in New York City is one of oldest Greek Orthodox Churches
in the United States. Ministries include Philoptochos, adult choir, youth and adult catechism, GOYA, Hope & Joy, children’s
and adult Greek language classes; youth and adult Greek dance; Young Professionals, and more.

3. INTRODUCTION – LET’S NOT LET IT STAY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
Domestic violence is not a family problem, nor a “normal relationship conflict” not something that occurs only among members of the NFL.
It is a crime that often results in serious injury and death. Although each year in the United States, almost four million women are victims of
severe assaults by their husbands and boyfriends, and every day between three and four are killed by current or former intimate partners,
many people in the Orthodox Christian community – both clergy and active parishioners alike – believe we do not have a problem with
domestic violence. Among those who state there may be a problem, most believe it is an issue only among those who are poor, or immigrants,
or less educated. When asked how they reached this conclusion, most state that as no victims or hardly any have revealed the problem to
them, domestic violence must not occur. Why are our women silent? Perhaps because we are.
Whether by fact, practice or misinterpretation, our religion teaches us that marriage is a lifetime commitment, our traditions assign women
the role of keeping our families together – sometimes at any cost - our pride in our heritage causes us to deny our imperfections, our culture
defines disclosure as shameful, and our language prevents us from accessing mainstream services. And so, we are silent. This silence - our
silence - and this denial - our denial - victimizes our women yet again and isolates them from Church and community.
When we present ourselves as a community in which domestic violence does not occur, the Orthodox Christian victim remains silent. She
believes she is the aberration and the only one being victimized – perhaps because she is not a “good enough” Orthodox Christian or has not
prayed hard enough or long enough. And she blames herself, for she believes that God is punishing her by allowing the abuse to occur
because of something she did (or thinks she did). As a result, the ensuing turmoil and impact of the physical, emotional, verbal and financial
abuse to which she is exposed is intensified and compounded by her spiritual aloneness.
The purpose of this presentation is not to criticize – either our religion, our clergy, our culture, our traditions our families, or our men.
Rather, its purpose is to enlighten and empower our women, and to ensure that we do not remain silent. The only way we can accomplish
this is by recognizing the horror of domestic violence, by acknowledging that it occurs in our community and by reaching out to Orthodox
Christian victims in helpful, not hurtful ways.
An immediate and easy step you can take is to publicize the NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE - 1.800.SAFE (7233) in
your community – post the number in the women’s rooms of your church where a possible victim can access it without her abuser’s
knowledge. The hotline is a free, anonymous 24 /7 service through which trained advocates are available to help those who live in abusive
situations or who have questions about their relationship. Advocates can help a victim sort out what it is that she wants to do and is safe for
her to do. For those willing and ready to take the next step, the advocates will refer the victim to a local resource.
We hope you find this presentation helpful, but perhaps more importantly, we hope it will help our Church become a refuge where victims
will feel comfortable turning to for safety, understanding and support, and a place where a strong voice will be heard against the injustices
that affect our community.

4. INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE (IPV)
also known as
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
OVERVIEW OF PRESENTATION
Until 1920, American husbands had the right to beat their wives
with a stick “no thicker than his thumb.”

5. PART ONE:
 What does a victim (and batterer) look like?
 Facts-At-A-Glance
 Definition of Domestic Violence
 Forms of Abuse
 Power and Control
 The Cycle of Abuse
 Other Considerations
 Why victims stay in or return to an abusive relationship
 Traits of men who batter – some clues to a potentially dangerous relationship
PART TWO:
• Orthodox Christian perspectives of domestic violence
• Cultural traditions, religious beliefs
• Distortions and misinterpretations
• Concepts of forgiveness and prayer
• Spiritual counseling
PART THREE – WHAT WE CAN DO
• How To Identify Someone Who May Be Abused
• What to Say to a Woman You Think is Being Abused – Starting the Conversation
• What to Do if a Woman Confides in You that She is Being Abused
• Finding Local Resources
• Effective Ways for the Orthodox Christian Community To Respond
• Easy-to-Hard Volunteer Opportunities to Consider

6. short
tall
old
young
thin
chubby
blond
brunette
red-haired
beautiful
average looking
low income
moderate income
upper income
single
married
widowed
divorced
an immigrant
a college graduate
a high school drop out
a medical doctor
a construction worker
a Ph.D. or an MBA
a social worker
a CEO or CFO
a receptionist
a student
a marathon runner
in a wheelchair
from any race
from any religion
from any ethnic group
a member of the clergy
a clergy member’s family member
in a same-sex relationship
What does a victim look like?
A victim is . . .
These describe what a batterer “looks like,” too

7. FACTS-AT-A-GLANCE
Men, as well as women are victims of abuse.
However, because the overwhelming majority of victims are women,
for the purposes of this presentation, we will refer to those who are abused as
women and the offenders as men.
85%: Percent of domestic violence victims who are women.
Violence Policy Center, Bureau of Justice Statistics,
National Institute of Justice, Center for American Progress
6,488: Number of American troops killed in Iraq and
Afghanistan between 2001 and 2012.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
11,766: Number of women killed by current or former intimate
partners during those same years.
Federal Bureau of Investigation

8. 3 - 4: Number of women killed every day in
the US by a current or former intimate
male partner.
National Network to End Domestic Violence
800%: A firearm in the home increases the likelihood
that a woman will be killed by her partner by
800%.
Risk Factors for Femicide in Abusive Relationships:
Multisite Case Control Study, National Network to End Domestic Violence
70 X: A woman who leaves her abusive partner is 70
times more likely to be killed in the few weeks
after leaving than at any other time in the
relationship.
Domestic Violence Intervention Program – Iowa
National Coalition for the Homeless

9. 90%: Percentage of women in a physically abusive relationship who are
raped and/or sexually assaulted by their abuser.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
81%: Percentage of women who are stalked by a current or former male
partner who are also physically abused by that partner.
American Bar Association – Commission on Domestic and Sexual Violence
98%: Percentage of IPV cases where financial /economic abuse occurs.
The main reason domestic violence victims stay or return to the
abusive relationship is because the abuser controls their money
supply, leaving them with no financial resources to break free.
US News & World Report
DATING VIOLENCE AMONG HIGH SCHOOL & COLLEGE STUDENTS:
10% / 22%: 10 percent of high school students and 22% of college
students report having experienced physical violence in
one or more dating relationship.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

10. DEFINITION OF
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Annually, only 25% of physical assaults against
women in the United States are reported to the police.
US Department of Justice, National Institute of Justice / CDC:
“Extent, Nature & Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence”

11. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A SYSTEMATIC PATTERN OF
• Controlling
• Coercive
• Intentional
• Violent behaviors
INTENDED TO
• Punish
• Abuse
• Gain and maintain
control of the victim.
The abuse increases and intensifies over time.

12. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE . . .
A CHOICE
LEARNED
ABOUT POWER & CONTROL
IT IS …
ANGER
SUBSTANCE ABUSE
MENTAL ILLNESS
GENETICS
STRESS
RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

13. FORMS OF ABUSE:
Outlined below are examples of behaviors offenders use
to gain and maintain control of their victim.
While some abusers will employ many of these behaviors,
others will not.
It is not the number of abusive acts that define
intimate partner violence,
but how and why the batterer chooses to use them,
and the impact they have on the victim.
THESE BEHAVIORS ARE INTENTIONAL

14. • Pinching
• Tickling
• Biting
• Slapping
• Grabbing
• Kicking
• Hair pulling
• Punching
• Pushing
• Shoving
• Burning
• Choking
Many victims of domestic violence are never physically abused.
• Covering her mouth so
she can’t breathe
• Throwing her into objects
(wall, furniture, street, etc.)
• Preventing her from taking
prescribed medications
• Preventing her from getting
medical or dental care
• Denying her access to food,
fluids or sleep
• Making her drink alcohol
or take drugs
• Shooting or stabbing her
• Killing her
PHYSICAL ABUSE

15. EMOTIONAL
• Making her feel badly about herself, her ethnicity, her
religion, the way she talks or looks
• Humiliating or embarrassing her in front of others
• Laughing at her, shaming her in front of others
• Disparaging her opinions
• Undermining her ability as a wife, partner, mother
• Bringing up past events to hurt her
• Constantly pointing out her weaknesses
• Making her feel guilty
• Making her think she’s crazy
• Telling her she’s crazy
• Telling others she’s crazy
• Making her think she’s stupid
• Telling her she’s stupid
• Making legal threats
• Making all decisions
• Not trusting her

16. While some verbal abuse is obvious, not all words that are meant to hurt
are "ugly words“; thus, verbal abuse may be difficult to identify, but is as
wrong and harmful as other types of abuse.
• A verbal abuser can damage severely his partner’s self-esteem while at
the same time, appear to care deeply for her.
• Verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible bruises, scars or cuts, but will cause
internal damage and a wounded spirit.
Examples of verbal abuse:
• Name calling to put his partner down.
• Criticizing – and using what he calls “constructive” criticism “for her
own good” but whose purpose is to put her down and control her
• Using words of shame – critical, sarcastic, mocking words meant to insult
and humiliate his partner either when they are alone or in front of others
• Going “verbally ballistic” for little or no reason, causing the victim to
“walk on egg shells”
• Yelling
• Swearing
• Screaming
VERBAL ABUSE
Excerpted from “About Relationships” by Cathy Meyer

17. ISOLATION:
• Not letting her see family, friends or neighbors
• Controlling everything she does,
• Controlling who she sees or talks to
• Controlling what she reads or watches on television
• Insisting he escort her everywhere she goes
• Preventing her from going to church
• Monitoring her time
• Making her account for every moment
of her time
• Restricting her use of their car, telephone,
computer
• Being rude to her family/friends to
alienate them from her
• Not letting her read a newspaper or
listen to the radio
• Not letting her learn English
• Discouraging her friendships

18. COERCION AND THREATS
• Making or carrying out threats to hurt her
• Threatening to leave her
• Threatening to hurt himself
• Threatening to commit suicide
• Threatening to jeopardize her citizenship
• Refusing to file permanent resident / citizenship
papers for her
• Threatening to report one or more of her family
members to immigration
• Threatening to take away her passport or the
children’s passports
• Threatening to take or kidnap the children- and
having the means to do so
• Making her do illegal things allegedly so that he
doesn’t carry out these threats

19. INTIMIDATION / BULLYING
• Making her afraid by looks, actions, gestures
• Smashing or destroying property
• Displaying weapons
• Using his anger to get her to do what he wants
• Using his size to bully her
• Using jealousy to justify his actions.
SEXUAL ABUSE / RAPE:
• Forcing her to have sex without her consent - marital / date rape
• Criticizing her sexual performance
• Accusing her of infidelity
• Withholding sex to express his anger
• Forcing her to have sex after a physical beating
• Forcing her to have unprotected sex or sodomy
• Drugging her to force her to have sex with his friends
• Forcing her to prostitute herself.

20. STALKING HARASSING
• Following her to work, school, shopping trips
• Texting nasty, messages to her, her family or friends
• Frequently calling her and hanging up
• Calling her at odd hours
• Harassing others in her family
• Cutting the utility wires at her home
• Showing up at her job to keep her from doing her work
• Anonymously mailing her threatening items
• Reading emails and texts addressed to her
• Posting photos of her on the internet that she thought
were private
• Sending private photos of her to her friends, family,
co-workers, classmates
• Tracking her movements by GPS, EZ-Pass statements,
mileage put on the family automobile, and digital
devices.
People harass and stalk for many reasons.
• Can't accept a break-up
• Are jealous
• Are infatuated
• Want revenge
• Enjoy hurting others
• Are predators
• Have mental health issues

21. DIGITAL STALKING:
NPR recently reported that 1 in 4 women who are stalked
nationally, are stalked by current or former intimate partners through
GPS technology, digital tools and/or through social media (e.g. Facebook
pinpoints the location of the post).
Frequently, these tracking devices are placed – without the
victim’s knowledge - in the victim’s automobile, smartphone or tablet.
Some men even have embedded tracking devices in their victim’s shoes.
In mobile phones, an offender can install a hidden app that not only
tracks where she is and where she went, but it can eavesdrop on
conversations – even when the phone is turned off.
According to Cindy Southworth, an advocate with the National Network to
End Domestic Violence, "The strategy of offenders is to have complete and
utter domination and control of their victims. It's not enough [to] just
monitor the victim. They will then taunt them or challenge them and say,
‘Why were you telling your therapist this?’ Or ‘Why did you tell your sister
that?’ Or ‘Why did you go to the mall today when I told you not to leave the
house?’

22. ECONOMIC / FINANCIAL ABUSE
There is a difference between “financial infidelity” and ‘”financial abuse”.
• Financial infidelity is when partners keep secrets about money from each
other.
• Financial abuse is when one partner keeps the other ignorant about money,
limits her access to bank accounts, and doles out money as if she were a child.
• Denying her information about and access to family income and finances
• Putting her on an allowance, and making her account for every penny she
spends; punishing her if she can’t do this
• Putting everything in his name
• Taking, selling her belongings
• Not paying household bills
• Refusing to provide adequate financial support
• Not paying or threatening to stop child support
• Transferring assets she inherited or has from own family to his name
• Taking whatever money she earns
• Taking out loans and credit cards in her name
• Running up charges on these credit cards to ruin her credit score
• Threatening to end health benefits for her and their children
• Spending family money on drugs, alcohol, gambling

23. USING CHILDREN
• Criticizing, making disparaging comments about their mother
directly to the children or to others in front of the children
• Putting children in the middle of fights between him and his partner
• Telling children that their mother doesn’t love them
• Taking money she earns
• Using the children to relay messages
• Threatening to kidnap or take the children out of state or out of the
country and having the means to do so
• Threatening a custody battle
• Harassing her during visitations
• Threatening to report her to Child
Protective Services with the claim
that she is abusing or neglecting
the children.

24. BLAMING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BUT HIMSELF:
• Blaming her as the “cause” of the abuse or for “provoking” it
• Blaming his abusive behavior on his drinking or drugging
• Blaming his behavior on her drinking or drugging
• Blaming his actions on the “stress” of his work
MINIMIZING OR DENYING THE ABUSE:
• Rationalizing or making light of the abuse
• Describing an incident as a “love pat” when in fact it was a punch
• Denying that an incident even happened.
ANIMAL ABUSE:
• Hurting, injuring or torturing pets to
intimidate or threaten his partner.
The ASPCA has found a significant
relationship between animal abuse
and family violence.

25. • interrupting
• changing the topic
• shouting
• not responding
• giving her the silent treatment
• pressuring
• being impatient
• sulking
• ignoring her
USING DIFFERENT BEHAVIORS AT DIFFERENT TIMES TO KEEP HER OFF GUARD:
• playing innocent victim
• playing the martyr
• irrational mood swings
• being sarcastic
• nagging
• being inconsistent
• forcing her to choose between him and her family
• failing to include her in his plans or activities
• giving silent treatment.
• having affairs
• flirting
• talking about attractiveness of others
• emotional withholding
• not expressing feelings
• breaking promises
• not supporting her in disputes with others
• not supporting her personal growth
• refusing to negotiate
• refusing to engage in fair fighting
ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS DAMAGING TO THE RELATIONSHIP:
• intruding on partner’s private time,
• failing to respect partner’s feelings
• refusing to accept apologies
• picking fights
• being inconsiderate
• not putting a priority in the relationship
• not sharing his life with her-being too busy
• not planning for future
• refusing to talk about their problems
• not taking care of himself – poor grooming
• snooping, mistrusting, lying;
• treating her like a servant
• insisting her place is in the home
• acting like the “master of the castle”
EXERCISING GENDER AUTHORITY / MALE DOMINANCE:
• defining women’s roles – both his
partner’s and their female children
• demanding obedience
• taking her for granted.

26. AN OFFENDER CAREFULLY SELECTS ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS
TO GAIN & MAINTAIN CONTROL OVER HIS PARTNER
OFFENDERS USE DIFFERENT BEHAVIORS AT
DIFFERENT TIMES TO KEEP THEIR VICTIMS OFF GUARD.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
IS ABOUT
POWER AND CONTROL –
IT IS NOT BEING OUT OF CONTROL
OR LOSING CONTROL
Battering causes more injuries to women
than automobile accidents,
muggings and rapes combined.
7.9 Million paid work days are lost each year
because of domestic violence issues –
this equals more than 32,000 full-time jobs.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention /
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control

27. CYCLE OF ABUSE

28. EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP
Claiming it is “out of love and concern” the abuser creates an
intense, possessive relationship that becomes serious
very quickly.
• He tells her he loves her so much that he wants her to spend
all her free time with him.
• He appears to idolize her
• He immediately wants an exclusive relationship
She doesn’t view his behavior as obsessive – she believes it shows
how much he loves her and how much he cares for her.
And because she loves him, she agrees
• not to see her friends or family
• or go to church
• or continue working
• or continue going to school
Slowly, she becomes isolated from all outside interests
and cut off from anyone who may be able to help her.

29. After a while, something happens that brings on the first incident –
PERHAPS SHE SAYS SHE IS MEETING FRIENDS FOR LUNCH
- WITHOUT HIM. He tells her she can’t go. To stop her and to
establish control over her, he does something to make her afraid
He gives her a “look” while he . . .
throws her favorite wedding present across the room,
or places a bullet on the kitchen table
or lunges at her as if he’s going to hit her,
or yells and slams doors,
or kicks her dog . . .
SOMETIMES, THE FIRST INCIDENT OCCURS
WHEN SHE FIRST BECOMES PREGNANT –
A TIME WHEN HE KNOWS HOW VULNERABLE SHE IS.
THE FIRST INCIDENT …

30. But for others, it it a SHOCK –
“this really didn’t happen!”
An EMBARRASSMENT -
“How could this have happened?”
She will BLAME HERSELF –
“He told me to have dinner ready at 6pm.”.
AND BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM, SHE
BELIEVES HIS PROMISE
that he will never to do it again.
BUT IT DOES HAPPEN AGAIN,
and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN . . .
FOR MANY WOMEN, THIS FIRST ACT
WILL CAUSE HER TO END THE RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY.

31. AFTER THE ACUTE INCIDENT, THE HONEYMOON PHASE FOLLOWS:
• He is remorseful & cries. He vows his love, promises never to repeat the abusive
behavior
• He blames the incident on a bad day at work, being tired, or having had too
much to drink when he went out with his friends after work.
• He brings her presents, flowers, and begs her forgiveness.
• He enlists family support – not only his but hers.
• He promises to go to counseling, N.A. or A.A.
• He goes to church.She believes his promises and “forgets” the incident.
SHE:
• She tries to keep the peace, agrees to everything and tries to reassure him
• She keeps the children quiet
• She cooks his favorite meal.
• Sometimes she is silent, other times talkative.
• After a while she withdraws
HE:
• He becomes moody, sullen and nit-picks.
• He yells, drinks & drugs, threatens, destroys property, criticizes
• He withdraws affection
• He isolates his partner further
RECONCILIATION / HONEYMOON PHASE / CALM…
ESCALATION / TENSION BUILDING . . .

32. AND THEN
THERE IS
ANOTHER
INCIDENT

33. WITH EACH SUBSEQUENT INCIDENT THE ABUSE INTENSIFIES
• A slap no longer is enough to keep control, so he breaks a rib.
• Name calling no longer is enough
• He intimidates her, bullies and harasses her.
AS DANGER INCREASES
• She becomes more confused and afraid.
• When there are visible bruises,
• she avoids family and friends, skips work, school and church.
SLOWLY, SHE LOSES SELF-CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM
• She becomes depressed, overwhelmed, feels hopeless, trapped.
• Ultimately she loses her ability to act independently
As time passes, it is more difficult for her to resist or keep herself safe.
She rarely tells anyone what is happening, partly out of fear,
partly out of shame and partly because she doesn’t think
anyone will believe her – frequently, the “public persona”
of the offender is the perfect partner, the best father,
a “pillar” of the community.
GRADUALLY, SHE WITHDRAWS MORE.

34. Ultimately, the abusive acts become the normal
course of the relationship. Not only does it take
less to bring on subsequent abusive behaviors,
but their frequency and severity
increases over time.
And, there is no guarantee that the original target of family
violence will remain the only person abused. There is a strong
correlation between partner abuse and child abuse.

35. OTHER CONSIDERATIONS
IMPACT ON CHILDREN
• Boys who grow up in violent homes are likely
to abuse their female partners as adults.
• Girls are likely to learn that violence against
women is acceptable.
GROWING UP IN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLDS
“TEACHES” CHILDREN THAT CONTROLLING
BEHAVIORS IN INTIMATE PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS
ARE NORMAL & APPROPRIATE.
More than half of the men who abuse their female partners also
physically abuse their children. As violence against the partner
increases so does the child abuse. There is a correlation between
men who abuse their partners and sexually abuse female children.

36. RELATIONSHIP TO SUBSTANCE USE:
• Although a man may use his drinking or drugging as an excuse for his
violence
• Neither his alcohol nor drug use causes the abuse.
• A man who batters and abuses alcohol or drugs has two different
problems that must be addressed separately.
• A man who stops drinking but does not get help for his abusive
behaviors does not stop battering – he becomes a sober batterer.
• Although a woman may drink or use drugs,
• Neither her alcohol nor drug use causes her partner’s violence.
• She is abused because her partner chooses to abuse her so that he can gain
and maintain control over her.
RELATIONSHIP TO THE ECONOMY:
• A bad economy does not cause domestic violence but can make it worse.
• Job loss, foreclosures, rent arrears, debt and other factors can contribute
to higher stress levels at home which can lead to increased violence.
Also,
• A weak economy limits a victim’s options making it more difficult to
find work & become financially independent.

37. FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS . . .
Battered women may appear to others as weak and “allowing” the abuse to occur. In reality, they actively
are trying to keep themselves safe by doing whatever is necessary to appease the batterer. Initially, these
efforts are successful and she believes she can stop the violence, but over time, and as the violence escalates,
she “learns” there is nothing she can do to stop the violence. Thus, she grows to believe she is helpless. Some
women try to ignore the abuse by self-medicating with alcohol, drugs or overeating. Many victims do not
use other strategies to try to end the violence such as police intervention or Orders of Protection because
they believe they are useless and would result in an increased threat to herself and her family.
Unfortunately, this is true for many: of women who are killed by their partners, 75% are killed after they
have left the abusive relationship.
CONTINUING TO HAVE CHILDREN . . .
The victim of violence who continues to have the batterer’s children frequently is criticized. Why isn’t she
using birth control? Why is she still having sex with him? Although we may assume she has access to birth
control – and many do not – or that she voluntarily is having sex with him, the reality is that many abused
women have learned they can keep themselves and their children safe by complying with the abusers’ sexual
advances – advances not made out of love but rather his physical and perverse needs.
VICTIM-BLAMING…
The general view is that children cannot protect themselves. Thus, society is sympathetic towards children
who are abused. But, because many people believe that adult victims have options, they are likely to be
blamed. Many people also think that the adult victim contributes to her victimization –that she is doing
something to “deserve” or “provoke” it, or, in a perverse way, “enjoys” it - views that generally are not
made about victims of other forms of violence. Social approval also is more often given to a victim who
resists rather than those who comply, even though resistance increases the likelihood of injury or death.
Over time these victim-blaming views become incorporated into the victim’s understanding of who she is.

38. The reasons are complex
Love
Fear
Shame
Religion
Children
Geography
Housing
Cultural traditions
Family pressures
Lack of support
Lack of resources
Social norms
Partner promises to change
Escalation of abuse

39. A VICTIM OF INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE STAYS
BECAUSE
She loves her partner and wants the abuse to end, not the
relationship
She is afraid no one will believe her – her partner is well-known and
well-loved by their community
Her religion and her cultural traditions have taught her that
marriage is a life-time commitment
Her family is pressuring her – “Nobody in our family has ever divorced,”
“He’s so good looking,” “He’s a good provider,” “You’ll never find anyone better.”
Her mother told her that “it’s not so bad” – her mother has told her that
she was abused for 30+ years, and lived through it.
She believes the abuse is her fault – her partner has told her so often that
she is the one who provokes his anger that she believes she is to blame.
She doesn’t speak English – she doesn’t know there are services that may be
able to help her, and if she does know that they exist, she isn’t able to access them
because of language barriers.

40. • She is afraid of losing her children to parental kidnapping or a
custody battle – he has threatened to kidnap and take the children to their
country of origin; she doesn’t have the means to retain an attorney and many
of the free /low cost legal services have very long waiting lists.
• She has no money and no work history - she is afraid she will not be able
to support herself and her children.
• She has no place to go - the leading cause of homelessness among women
and children is domestic violence.
• She left before and was stalked at work or school, church, train station,
mall, street, etc. Her family, friends co-workers, were stalked.
• She believes that staying is the best (and perhaps only) way to keep
herself and her children safe
• She fears physical injury and death. On average, three to four women die
at the hands of a current or former intimate partner every day.
And because . . .

41. Excerpted from an article by Patricia Martel, LCSW-R, ACSW based on her
experiences as a facilitator of groups for men who batter who attended by court-
mandate or voluntarily.
The two main reasons men gave for their behavior were:
• FAMILY HISTORY - they saw their father or other
significant males beating their mothers, siblings and themselves
– especially when they tried to protect their mothers, and
• PARENTAL OR THEIR OWN SUBSTANCE ABUSE.
ALTHOUGH THESE FACTORS MAY PLAY A ROLE, NOT ALL
MEN WHO HAVE THESE LIFE EXPERIENCES
BECOME BATTERERS.

42. TRAITS OF MEN WHO BATTER –
THE FOLLOWING LIST OF CHARACTERISTICS WERE
IDENTIFIED BY SURVIVORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
AS BEHAVIORS EXHIBITED BY THEIR PARTNERS.

43. JEALOUS / LACKS TRUST:
He is extremely jealous and over possessive. He doesn’t trust his partner and expects her to
(e.g.) immediately answer his phone calls and texts. He becomes angry when and if she does
not do so.
NEEDS IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION:
He has strong needs that must be met right away; she must dedicate herself to those needs.
VERY RIGID:
He has rigid rules for behavior and gender roles and uses actions to control his partner so
she will follow these rules. When she breaks a rule, she is “punished”. He feels justified for
punishing her.
SELF-PITY:
Because he feels everyone else is at fault for his life, he feels sorry for himself. He feels
nobody understands his potential or problems. Since others do not make special
concessions for him, they always disappoint him, thus “proving” that in fact he is one
against the world.
HAS A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT:
Believes he has a right to everything – that others must meet all of his perceived needs; that
it is his right to “own” his partner and control her actions.

44. DENIES RESPONSIBILITY:
He denies responsibility for his actions. He is never at fault – it always is
his partner or someone or something else. This denial perpetuates the
abuse, over time intensifies it, and so distorts his sense of reality that he
doesn’t understand why his partner objects to his punishment since it is
“for her own good”.
ATTITUDE TOWARDS CHILDREN & HIS PARTNER:
Though he says he wants children, they rarely come first. He expects the household
to revolve around him. If anyone steps out of line, his partner is to blame. Since he
believes she is responsible for his well-being, he expects her to know what he needs
without being asked.
ISOLATES HIS PARTNER:
He claims her family doesn’t like him. He tells her that her female friends and
neighbors are “interfering” or are “lesbians.” To increase his control over her, he
does not allow her to see or talk to family or friends, thus isolating her from anyone
who can help her.

45. Once an abuser has had all of the power in a relationship,
it can be difficult to change to a healthy relationship with
equal power and compromises.
That said, an abuser can change if he
• is held accountable
• accepts responsibility for his actions, and
• willingly chooses to change
Nevertheless, it is important to understand that some
abusers will stop the physical violence but will
continue verbal and emotional abuse.

47.  When a couple comes forward to be married in the Orthodox Church they stand
together as equals.
 The woman is asked to imitate the Virgin Mary for the rest of her life, to be
steadfast and preserver in faith, to be obedient to God, and to be a shining example
of love, hope and faith for her family.
 The man is asked to imitate Christ, to be humble, kind, compassionate, merciful
and understanding. He should be a living example of true Christian manhood and
fatherhood.
 The woman and man are crowned as king and queen of their own family, and
therefore should treat each other with love, dignity and respect, as they are now
one, singular, unique, and the exclusive of the other.
 There is a point, however, in the Wedding Epistle of St. Paul to the Ephesians
which is read that states, “…and let the wife see that she respects her husband…”
Ephesians 5:33.
 When an Orthodox Christian wedding reaches the point when this quote is read,
there are some men who look at their wives as if to say, “remember these words,
I’m the boss!”
 Unfortunately, some women have bought into that thinking and become more
susceptible to accepting abuse, beatings and battering, with no recourse. They
often say that they have to keep peace in the family and endure their husband’s
wrath.
 They must remember, however, that while Christ and the Church do ask that we
endure sufferings as Christians, neither Christ, nor the Church wants anyone to be
a victim!

48.  Each of us needs to read the statement that is also found in Ephesians 5,
which precedes the words of the Epistle. It refers directly to the man’s
role in marriage.
“Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself up for her,
that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word;
that He might present her to Himself a glorious Church,
not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
but that she should be holy and without blemish.
So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies;
he who loves his wife loves himself.”
 In other words, when the husband loves his wife to the extent that he is
willing to make any sacrifice for her; when he treats her with love,
dignity, honor and respect - presenting her without bruises or blemishes,
but whole, complete, loved, admired, adored and cherished as deemed by
virtue of the position she holds as his wife - as his other self - as his
completion of himself; then she should respect him (in return).

49. In this same Epistle to the Ephesians, St. Paul writes:
“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God,
by Whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, yelling and evil speaking
be put away from you, with all malice.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God, in Christ, forgave you.
Therefore, be imitators of God as dear children,
and walk in love as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us.
….but fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness,
let it not even be named among you…
neither filthiness, nor foolish talking…which are not fitting…
and have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness,
but rather expose them.”
 THE BIBLE ITSELF TELLS A BATTERED WOMAN THAT ONE SURE
WAY TO OVERCOME THE BRUTALITY OF AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND
IS BY “EXPOSING HIM”, BY TELLING SOMEONE!

50. Psalm 55 can be interpreted to convey the betrayal of the spouse
who abuses:
“For it is not the enemy who reproaches me; then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
Then I could hide from him.
But IT WAS YOU, my equal, my companion and my acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together, and walked in the house of
God in the assembly.”
The shock of the betrayal is more than overwhelming. It tears at
the sacred union of husband and wife. Mutual faith, trust, and
confidence are central to the success of a marriage. The betrayal
of abuse can destroy a marriage.
What happened to the “sweet counsel” and “the walk in Christ”?

51. The Christian commitment of a wife can cause her great distress
as well as confusion.
• What should she do?
• Will she be going against the Church by telling on her
husband?
• Will she be unfaithful to her vows and the sacred
commitment she made to him before God?
Here we see the victim, victimizing herself again, placing blame
where it doesn’t belong.
She has to redirect the blame and realize that it is the abuser
who is going against the Church.
• IT IS THE ABUSER WHO IS UNFAITHFUL TO HIS SACRED VOWS.
• IT IS THE ABUSER WHO RENOUNCES HIS SACRED
COMMITMENT TO HER.
• IT IS THE ABUSER WHO IS WRONG, NOT SHE!

52. MARRIAGE: Marriage is a life-long commitment
• REFRAMING THE CONCEPT:
o While there is no question that we should enter marriage with the
assumption that it will last for life, no victim should be made to believe that
our Church values the sanctity of marriage over the sanctity of her life. For
all intent and purposes, the husband, by choosing to engage in abusive
behaviors and choosing not to stop, has already ended the “life” of the
marriage.
HEADSHIP OF THE HUSBAND: The husband is the head of the household
• REFRAMING THE CONCEPT:
o Many people’s understanding of the husband’s “headship” and thus,
submission of the wife, is based on their interpretation and partial reading of
St. Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians. In reality, St. Paul states that in Christ
“there is neither male nor female,” since “you are all one in Jesus Christ.”
WOMAN’S ROLE: To keep the family together.
• REFRAMING THE CONCEPT:
o Since the Orthodox marriage ceremony promotes a mutuality of commitment
and a mutuality of respect, both partners are responsible for the family’s
well-being.

53. KEEPING SECRETS: «Τí θá πεí ó κóσμος;» (“What will people say?”)
o REFRAMING THE CONCEPT: Many believe that disclosure is a betrayal of
the entire family. Many also believe that by revealing problems – secrets
- they will be the subject of community-wide gossip. As a result, many
of our domestic violence victims would “rather feel-the-pain than the
shame”.
o Our abused women can be helped to recognize that reporting a crime –
which is what domestic violence is – is neither shameful, nor a betrayal.
o Abuse should not be kept a secret but must be exposed and opposed.
FAMILY PRESSURES LEADING TO TOLERATING THE ABUSE:
o REFRAMING THE CONCEPT: Family, gender and societal roles are ever-
changing. What was believed to be the norm and what may have
“worked” 25 or 50 or 75 years ago, no longer has to be what “is.”
o Women have more options and are more independent than ever before.
As importantly, they have the right to a peaceful and safe life.

54. FATALISM: A victim’s assumption that she has no control over her life.
• REFRAMING THE CONCEPT:
o While the victim may believe she has no control over her life, she can
be helped to recognize that she has not been sitting back passively
allowing the abuse to occur.
o Rather, she can be helped to understand that she has actively
developed the coping and survival skills to manage the abuser in a
way that will keep herself and her children as safe as possible.
REVENGE: Assumption that a victim of domestic violence seeks revenge.
• REFRAMING THE CONCEPT:
o There is a huge difference between “revenge” and “justice.” The
definition of revenge is to be spiteful, to retaliate, to inflict
punishment in return for an injury or an insult. The definition of
justice is to seek a moral rightness and fair and equitable treatment.

55. Perhaps the most hurtful advice a member of the clergy or a faithful
person can give a victim (other than not believing her) is to tell her
to pray, pray harder, pray longer and more often in a way that
makes her think we are telling her that praying will end the abuse.
• While praying will help a victim find the inner strength to cope
with the difficult times, prayer will not stop the abuse.
• ONLY THE BATTERER CAN STOP THE ABUSE.
• Prayer gives us the strength to face what is before us and to help
us decide what we are willing – or not willing – to do.
• BUT PRAYER WILL NOT STOP THE ABUSE.
• We pray for peace in the world at every Liturgy, yet we cannot
regulate the lack of peace found in people’s hearts.
• A victim’s prayers, though always meaningful, cannot stop the
abuser from abusing her. Concrete, tangible help is needed.
Someone must be told and the battered woman must seek help
from others.

56. • We are asked to forgive our enemies, but forgiveness never includes
believing we must tolerate or accept abuse from anyone!
• No victim should be made to believe that turning the other cheek, or
practicing patience means she must endure or accept the abuse.
• If we suggest to a victim of domestic violence that she forgive
her batterer, it should be with the understanding that the act of
forgiveness will help her relieve her own negative feelings
towards the abuser.
• Forgiveness does not mean she removes responsibility for the abuse
nor does it mean that she – or we – no longer condemn his actions.
• The abusive actions must continue to be condemned and the abuser
must continue to be held responsible for these wrongful actions.
• Each of us is a valuable, important, significant person of
immeasurable worth to God and to all those who truly love us.
• God doesn’t just let things happen to us.
• It is not God’s will to see anyone mistreated with abuse. God wants us to
love one another with understanding, compassion, mercy, dignity, respect.
• Abuse is devoid of all these qualities.

57. The role of a priest is to provide spiritual counseling – whether to a
victim of intimate partner abuse or to the offender. However, this
is not and should not be interpreted as “couples counseling” or
“marriage counseling”.
Counseling sessions , separately, and on an individual basis, may
prove helpful in resolving their problems, however:
• No “couple counseling.”
• “Couple counseling” could prove detrimental to the victim since anything
she says may be used against her once they go home.
• The abuser would be acting out his need to hold power and
control over his spouse.
• What a priest needs to do is to is encourage the abuser to face and
accept responsibility for his actions as an abusive perpetrator. The
priest must strive to:
• Make the abuser understand that he is committing a criminal act.
• Make him aware of the seriousness of his actions.
• Make him understand that it is he who is at fault, and that it is his
choices that are making him abuse.
• Make him understand that he must seek help or else he will
never overcome these faults and become healed.

58. • If he refuses to seek counseling, or if he refuses to accept
that he has a problem, then the wife may have to seek a
separation for a time to help him understand the
seriousness of his situation.
• If there is still no improvement or desire to resolve his
problems, then unfortunately, the wife may have to seek
permanent separation or even divorce.
• For the Church and the couple, divorce is always
undesirable, but sometimes it is completely unavoidable.
• If a man abuses his partner and not to stop these
abusive behaviors, hasn’t he in reality already
‘ended’ the marriage?
• When a woman fears for her life and that of her
children, then she must make serious decisions.

59. There are many types of abuse: verbal, emotional and physical.
Spiritual abuse can be brought on by these and can destroy the
spiritual life of a person.
CONCEPT OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE:
• A victim may believe that God is punishing her for
something that she did – or thinks she did.
• The victim may believe that she is being abused because she
hasn’t prayed long enough or hard enough.
• The victim may believe that even with all of her prayers, God
has abandoned her.
None of these are true.

60. • A significant way a member of the clergy can help a
victim through her spiritual crisis is by ensuring that she
understands that God has neither abandoned her nor is
He punishing her. She needs to hear that it is the abuser
who is “letting” the violence occur, not God, and that it
is the batterer who is responsible for his behavior.

61. • Everyone should be more informed concerning the signs of
abuse, as well as how to seek help for those who are victims
of abuse.
• Don’t stand up for the abuser, you only hurt him and his
family all the more.
• Clergy need to stand up for the victim, listen to her, believe
her and take her to a knowledgeable and concerned
Psychologist, Social Worker or domestic violence advocate as
soon as you possibly are able.
• The clergy should remain available to provide her with
spiritual support, to pray with her, to listen, to understand, to
be compassionate and non-judgmental. Their role is to be
there for the person who trusts them and needs their help.

62. IF THE PERSON IS IN IMMINENT DANGER,
CALL 9-1-1 OR YOUR LOCAL
POLICE DEPARTMENT IMMEDIATELY
WHAT WE CAN DO . . .
• HOW TO IDENTIFY SOMEONE WHO MAY BE ABUSED
• WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHOMAY BE ABUSED
• WHAT TO DO IF A WOMAN CONFIDES IN YOU SHE IS BEING ABUSED
• FINDING LOCAL RESOURCES
• WAYS THE ORTHODOX CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY CAN RESPOND
• EASY-TO-HARD VOLUNTEER OPPORTNITIES TO CONSIDER

63. A VICTIM OF ABUSE WILL:
• Seem afraid or anxious to please her partner
• Go along with everything her partner says and does
• Check in often with her partner
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from her partner
• Talk about her partner’s temper, jealousy or possessiveness.
A VICTIM OF PHYSICAL ABUSE WILL:
• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
• Although she may have been a regular church goer, she has stopped
attending, or only attends infrequently
• Frequently miss work, school or social occasions without explanation
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars – such as wearing
long sleeves in the summer, or sunglasses indoors
HOW TO IDENTIFY SOMEONE
WHO MAY BE ABUSED

64. A VICTIM WHO IS ISOLATED WILL:
• Rarely go out in public without her partner
• Not be able to make phone calls, or receive texts or emails
• Have limited access to the internet / family computer
• Have limited or no access to the family car
• Have very low self-esteem, even if she used to be confident
• Show major personality changes – she used to be outgoing and has
become withdrawn
• Not be able to invite friends to her home, although she used to do this
regularly
• Be depressed, anxious or suicidal
A VICTIM OF FINANCIAL ABUSE WILL:
• Have limited access to money or credit cards
• Has her spending tightly monitored and restricted by her partner
• Worry excessively about how her partner will react to what are
commonly thought of as simple, everyday purchases

65. WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE YOU THINK MAY BE ABUSED
Suggestions from 'When Love Goes Wrong' by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter,
1992 Harper Collins, Chapter 13 'For Family, Friends and Helpers'
Many women involved with controlling partners need and use the help of an outsider
to leave the relationship. Yet most of these outsiders never know how much they
help. The problem is the lag between the time a woman receives helpful information
or support and the time she feels ready to act on it.
If you conclude that someone you know is being emotionally or physically abused
and you want to help, keep in mind these fundamental principles:
• YOU CANNOT “RESCUE” HER
• THERE IS NO SINGLE CORRECT WAY TO HELP. The important
thing is for you to try.
• GIVE YOURSELF AND THE WOMAN YOU CARE ABOUT SOME
TIME TO MAKE CHANGES.
THE HARDEST PART OF TALKING TO AN ABUSED WOMAN IS GETTING STARTED.
Because a controlling partner lays all the blame on her, a woman is likely to hear any
questions about her actions or her background or her personal life as accusations.
Such questions will silence her.
BE OPEN, NONJUDGMENTAL, MAINTAIN CONFIDENTIALITY.
Understand what you may view as inaction may be her best safety strategy at that time.

66. IF SHE WANTS TO TALK BUT CAN'T GET STARTED
ANY OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS MIGHT HELP:
None of these questions imply you are psychoanalyzing her,
or looking for explanations, or challenging her, or passing judgment.
THESE QUESTIONS INVITE – AND ALLOW - THE WOMAN TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT THE CONTROLLING PARTNER DOES & WHAT SHE FEELS ABOUT IT.
• What's it like at home for you?
• Everyone in a relationship has arguments with their partner, but let me
ask you: What happens when you and your partner disagree or argue?
• How does your partner handle things when he doesn't get his way? What
does he do?
• Are you ever scared of him? Does he threaten you?
• Does he ever prevent you from doing things you want to do?
• Does he ever follow you?
• Do you have to account to him for your time?
• Is he jealous, hard to please, irritable, demanding, and critical?
• Does he put you down, call you names, yell at you, and punish you in any
way?
• Does he ever push you around or hit you?
• Does he ever make you have sex? Does he ever make you do sexual things
you don't like?

67. • You can help a woman feel safe by
• assuring her you will keep her story confidential –
• and doing so.
• When she tells you her story,
• listen attentively. Don't interrupt. Don't let your facial
expression or body language convey doubt or judgment
of what she's saying.
When she finishes talking, ask, 'How can I help?'
• Let her know that you care and that there are people and
agencies that want to assist her.
• She may not know (and it’s important to tell her) that
thousands of other women experience abuse and that there are
special shelters, services, and laws to help them.

68. MAKE IT CLEAR TO HER THAT
• It is her partner who has a problem
• She cannot fix it, nor can she stop the abuse no matter how
much she wants or how hard she tries.
IF SHE REFUSES TO TALK TO YOU TODAY or says 'no' to
your offer of additional help, she has her reasons.
• Express your concern for her anyway.
• Tell her that emotional abuse and physical abuse are wrong,
• she deserves better and she has a right to be safe.
• Assure her that you will stand by, ready to talk or help, if she
asks.
DO NOT SUGGEST COUPLE COUNSELING, MEDIATION, OR
COMMUNICATION WORKSHOPS
• What she says in session will be used against her when she
goes home.
DO NOT CONFRONT THE ABUSER
• Letting the abuser know you are aware of his behavior could
endanger the victim or her children.

69. BE PREPARED TO REFER HER TO A LOCAL
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PROGRAM IF SHE WANTS
AND WHEN SHE IS READY:
To find out programs and services in or near your community call:
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
HOTLINE (1-800-799-SAFE)
IF SHE IS READY TO MAKE THE CALL HERSELF, GIVE HER THE NUMBER
FOR THE HOTLINE AND TELL HER THAT
 it is a free 24 hour/day, 7 day/week service through which
trained advocates are available to speak to her anonymously and
confidentially about the abuse.
 She also can speak to the advocates to ask questions about her
relationship.
 The advocates can help her decide what she is willing to do, and
can help her develop a “Safety Plan.”

70. When a woman talks to you about her problems with a controlling partner, your
reaction is vitally important. Here are recommendations:
BELIEVE HER.
• She will not lie about abuse.
• Many controllers are so charming and gracious to outsiders that what you
see of his behavior may deceive you.
• Even if the incidents she describes seem incredible, listen to her story and
respect the way she tells it.
• Because abuse is so painful to experience, she may recall details slowly and in
disjointed fragments. The pieces may not seem to fit together or make much
sense. Remember that the violence itself is arbitrary and irrational.
• So no matter what she tells you believe her and let her know that you do.
ACKNOWLEDGE AND SUPPORT HER FOR TALKING TO YOU.
• She has taken a risk: her partner could hurt her or you could reject her. Let
her know you appreciate what she has done.
LET HER KNOW YOU CONSIDER HER FEELINGS NORMAL &
REASONABLE.
• It is common for her to feel frightened, confused, angry, sad, guilty, numb, and
hopeless.
Suggestions from 'When Love Goes Wrong', by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter,
1992 Harper Collins, Chapter 13 'For Family, Friends and Helpers'
WHAT TO DO IF A WOMAN CONFIDES
IN YOU THAT SHE IS BEING ABUSED

71. LET HER LEAD THE CONVERSATION.
• You can ask questions like 'How can I help you?' but don't expect her to have
answers the first time she talks. She needs you to be a good listener.
• And if she asks you to do anything within reason, do it.
IF SHE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN'T OR
DON'T WANT TO DO, SAY SO.
• Talk it over with her, and try to find both (a) another way of meeting the
particular need she presented, and (b) another thing you can do to help.
• Be careful not to impose your ideas of help on her.
TELL HER YOU CARE ABOUT HER AND HER SAFETY.
• Take her fears seriously.
• Feel free to express your genuine feelings of concern with statements like 'I think
you are in danger.' 'I'm worried about your safety.'
DON'T BLAME HER FOR THE ABUSE.
• Let her know that the abuse is not her fault.
• And remember that her feelings about her partner probably are confused and
mixed.
• If you express too much anger at her partner, she may feel the need to defend him.

72. OFFER YOUR HELP TO FIND RESOURCES IN THE COMMUNITY FOR
PROTECTION, ADVOCACY OR SUPPORT
That is if you are prepared to follow through. (Don't ever offer things you can't deliver.)
• If she wants to go to an agency or program, volunteer to go with her.
• If she is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or the police.
• Always encourage her to get more support and information.
• Give her newspaper articles, books and pamphlets produced by your local shelter
for abused women.
• But be careful how you do this – her partner may monitor what she brings home or
what she reads. It may be safer for her if you leave such literature at Church, or let her
know what to look for in you community’s local library.
RESPECT HER PACE AND BE PATIENT.
• No one decides to give up a relationship overnight. She may also face
threats and escalating assaults. So help her make plans, but let her
make the decisions. As you plan, seek the advice of experts about abuse
in your local community.
REMIND HER OF HER STRENGTHS, ACCOMPLISHMENTS, AND
POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES.
• Avoid treating her like a child or a helpless victim.
ALWAYS SUPPORT HER WHEN SHE ACTS ON HER OWN BEHALF.

73. This presentation will not make you an expert in domestic violence - a rather daunting
task - nor does it expect you to deal with a victim’s problems alone. Rather, our hope is
that this presentation will encourage us to create a Church environment in which a
victim feels comfortable turning to for help - in ways that will help and not harm her.
STEPS WE CAN TAKE TO START THIS PROCESS:
• ACKNOWLEDGE AND SET ASIDE OUR OWN CULTURAL AND PERSONAL BIASES, attitudes
and interpretations about why we think someone is being abused, and/or what we
think a victim should do
• REACH OUT TO WOMEN who may be abused and respond in culturally sensitive ways
• RECOGNIZE AND HELP HER THROUGH HER SPIRITUAL CRISIS so that she does not feel
God has abandoned her or is punishing her
• HAVE THE INFORMATION AVAILABLE TO REFER HER TO LOCAL PROGRAMS so she can
communicate with professional domestic violence advocates about her options and
who can her develop a personalized safety plan for herself and her children to keep
her as safe as possible until she decides what she is willing and able to do
• WORK COOPERATIVELY WITH LOCAL PROGRAMS, RESOURCES AND THE POLICE
DEPARTMENT to ensure they understand our cultures and traditions,
• AND PERHAPS FIRST AND FOREMOST, THAT WE – AS A COMMUNITY - “RECOGNIZE”,
“EXPOSE” AND “OPPOSE” THE HORROR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND DO WHAT WE
CAN TO ENSURE THAT OUR “VICTIMS” BECOME “SURVIVORS”.

74. Because not everyone can or should be expected to be all things to all
people, we are providing a ‘laundry list of easy-to-hard’ actions
that you can consider taking - in your own community - and that fit
into your life, your available time, and your comfort zone.
SOME ARE EASY –
• Like posting the phone number for the NATIONAL DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE HOTLINE in the women’s rooms of your Church, or
• Sponsoring a presentation in your community by inviting a
speaker from a local domestic violence program to educate and
inform your community about the issue
SOME A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT –
• Like offering space in your church – at no cost - for a weekly or
monthly support group of survivors of domestic violence, or as a
location for supervised visitation sites when parents need to visit
safely with their children (you will not be asked to lead the groups or
supervise the visit – you are offering space).
AND YET OTHERS ARE HARDER, and ask that you volunteer your
time and talents.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING
– EVEN JUST BECOMING MORE INFORMED ABOUT
INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE HELPS VICTIMS BECOME SURVIVORS.

75. PUBLICIZE LOCAL RESOURCES:
Domestic violence education is not only an effective first step to prevention
but also is a way to reach victims who may not feel comfortable speaking
directly to you.
 The mere act of publicizing information in your Church about domestic violence gives the
victim the powerful message that the Church recognizes the problem, does not condone
violence, and is not closing its eyes to it.
POST AND / OR DISTRIBUTE LITERATURE
Create a “WOMEN’S ISSUES” BULLETIN BOARD in a public and well-traveled area
of the church to post information about domestic violence services along with other
women’s issues – such as breast cancer, women and heart disease, etc.
• By making the bulletin board “multi-issue”, it will not identify someone who stops
to read it as a victim of domestic violence, and won’t inform the abuser that his partner is
seeking help.
• Leave multiple copies of information from local domestic violence programs, as
well as the 24 / 7 phone number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline in
the women’s rooms of your church.
• Post and distribute a bibliography of books and articles about various women’s issues
including domestic violence.
• Request from Philoptochos’ Social Work Office the fliers “Does Your Partner...” and
“Developing A Safety Plan.”.
• Ask your priest / church office to insert these fliers in your weekly bulletins in October -
Domestic Violence Awareness Month and distribute the literature to Sunday School
students, and to the members of your church’s youth groups.

76. SPONSOR FORUMS:
 Sponsor a forum to promote an awareness of domestic violence. Invite
speakers from a local shelter or domestic violence service program,
Coalition Against Domestic Violence, police department or court
program to discuss topics such as
◦ the psychological, emotional, economic and physical behaviors of
domestic violence
◦ safety planning for victims and their children
◦ services available
◦ legal aspects including what responses victims and other helping
people can expect from the police and other law enforcement officials
◦ the difference between criminal and civil court actions
◦ how to obtain Orders of Protection and what to expect from them.
 Hold round-table discussions and “Ecumenical Town Meetings”
◦ To identify, examine and re-frame the cultural attitudes and religious
beliefs that influence our understanding of domestic violence and that
may appear to ignore or condone domestic violence.
ASK YOUR PRIEST TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
 It is extremely powerful for a victim to hear the words “Expose and Oppose”
spoken in church. October is “Domestic Violence Awareness” month: ask
your priest to speak out to your parish during October.

77. BECAUSE PREVENTION IS AS IMPORTANT
AS RECOGNIZING ABUSE, START YOUNG:
ORGANIZE FORUMS ON TEEN DATING RELATIONSHIPS AND
PROGRAMS THAT PROMOTE & TEACH NON-VIOLENT BEHAVIORS:
With youth and parent groups, sponsor programs, panel discussions on
issues of
◦ Teen dating relationships
◦ Importance of respect, equality, compromise in relationships,
◦ Substance use and abuse
◦ bullying, cyberbullying and digital abuse
◦ how to identify and avoid dangerous relationships and situations.
◦ anger management
◦ impulse control
◦ conflict resolution
◦ fair fighting
 Contact local schools, your local police and domestic violence programs
for speakers.
◦ Ask members of your youth groups to participate in these panel
discussions about their and their friend’s experiences with these
issues.

78. CONTACT LOCAL PROGRAMS, POLICE DEPARTMENT, LOCAL COURT
SYSTEM TO FIND OUT THE ‘KIND’ OF VOLUNTEERS THEY MAY NEED
• Can you serve as an interpreter?
• Can you help them interpret your cultural and religious traditions that are barriers to a victim’s
ability to access or remain in services so that the program’s efforts are as effective as possible?
(Although the elements of abuse are universal, a person’s cultural background influences how
individuals deal with abuse.)
• Can you periodically offer to babysit or pick up school-age children so that a woman can apply for
services, or take out a Restraining Order?
• Can you periodically accompany someone to court – just to be there as support?
• Can you offer, periodically, to pick up a woman’s children from school at 3:00pm while she goes
through the public benefit application process, or while she waits at the police department or court
to file for an Order of Protection.
• Can you tutor children who are in a domestic violence family shelter?
• Can you collect and distribute books and clothing for children and adults in a shelter?
• Can you provide job training, career counseling, or resume writing classes to such women?
• Are you able to pick up a woman – perhaps someone who used to go to Church regularly, but no
longer does – and offer to take her to Church?
• Can you serve on a program’s board of directors?
Domestic violence programs will train volunteers about domestic violence issues so that they know
what to expect and be able to deal with the different issues that arise. You don’t have to walk in as
an expert – you just need to be willing to make a call or two to find out what is needed, how you can
help and whether or not you think you are willing to try.
And, volunteering is not a life-time commitment. If your circumstances change, or if you no longer
have the time or inclination to continue, or if dealing with domestic violence issues becomes too
difficult for you personally, no one will criticize you if you STOP!

79. • Fact Sheet on Intimate Partner Abuse
• Does your partner . . . (Checklist of behaviors to help recognize signs of abuse)
• Developing a Personalized Safety Plan (Recommendations from Safe Horizon, NYC)
• Power and Control Wheel
• What to say to a woman you think is being abused; and What to do when a woman
confides in you ('When Love Goes Wrong' by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter, 1992 Harper Collins, Chapter 13
'For Family, Friends and Helpers‘)
• Orders of Protection:
• http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=561&state_code=NY#content-7860
• Fact Sheet on the “Violence Against Women Act” (VAWA)
• Greek Orthodox Clergy Perspectives on Domestic Violence By Rev. Athanasios (Al) Demos, D.Min.
• Cultural Considerations in Recognizing and Responding to Domestic Violence
• Colorado Bar Association
• Fact Sheet on Elder Abuse
• Domestic Violence in the Workplace By: Anthony Rizzuto
• How Money Is Used as a Weapon in Relationships
• By Anne Kates Smith, From Kiplinger's Personal Finance, February 2015
• Teen Dating Relationships: Equality Wheel (From Step Up Speak Out)
• Teen Power and Control Wheel Adapted from Domestic Abuse Intervention in Duluth, MN
• Identifying and Responding to Domestic Violence: Consensus Recommendations for Child
and Adolescent Health: (Family Violence Prevention Fund)
• Talking to your Children About Violent Events
To request copies, email socialwork@Philoptochos.org