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On The Shoulders of Giants - London University, 2019
- 1. Owen Connolly Counselling Psychologist The Owen Connolly Counselling Therapy & Education Centre www.counsellor.ie Male Psychology Conference 21-22 June 2019 – London, U.K.
- 3. The content of this presentation is sourced from my book ‘Standing on the Shoulders of Giants: from Father to Dad’, published in 2006. Anyone can be a Father, it takes much more to be a Dad.
- 4. As a parent or caregiver, it is crucial that you can recognise your own intimacy needs, before then recognising the intimacy needs of your child. How your intimacy needs were met or went unmet in your own childhood Parenting with Intimacy
- 5. 1) Acceptance 2) Affection 3) Affirmation 4) Appreciation 5) Approval 6) Attention
- 6. 7) Comfort (empathy) 8) Discipling 9) Encouragement 10) Respect 11) Security 12) Support
- 7. Intimacy Needs Needs Met Needs Unmet Healthy Thinking Positive Feelings Healthy Behaviors Positive Outcomes Faulty Thinking Negative Feelings Painful Outcomes Unhealthy Behaviours
- 8. Unmet needs in childhood could still be influencing your relationships as an adult.
- 11. Fear of being REJECTED Seeking love Costs
- 14. Fear of being IGNORED Seeking attention Costs
- 17. Fear of being CRITICISED Seeking perfection Costs
- 19. Having your value conveyed to you FREE
- 20. Fear of being WORTHLESS Seeking power Costs
- 21. Knowing your children through their need for intimacy being met by you - and how this is achieved
- 22. Parenting Evaluation Assessment of how you think you are meeting these needs in your child’s (children’s) life (lives)
- 23. Your expectation of what your child should be hinders you really getting to know your child.
- 24. Listen to them and let them show you who they are and what they need.
- 25. Boys and Girls learn differently Boys are more linear Girls are more lateral
- 26. Dad Mum Gift
- 27. Age 0-8 years Daughter to Father Son to Mother Age 8-16 years Daughter to Mother Son to Father
- 30. Top 10 Signs of a Parent- Child Power Struggle 1) Your throat is sore at the end of the day from yelling 2) Your most frequent for of discipline is spanking 3) Attempting to enforce strict rules in virtually all normal day-to-day routines 4) You tend to be more critical than complimentary 5) You lack humor in your relationship with your child
- 31. Top 10 Signs of a Parent- Child Power Struggle 6) You offer little or no nurture in the way of physical contact. When you do offer affection and the child does not respond the way you expect, you become enraged 7) When you discipline your child for disobedience you feel that it is “never enough”. You are unable to clear the slate emotionally. 8) You have great difficulty confessing your own faults to your child. Letting your child see your faults may actually bring on a power struggle.
- 32. Top 10 Signs of a Parent- Child Power Struggle 9) You feel that your child has the power to inflame your anger with the slightest of body language (eyes, shoulder, arm, feet movements, voice inflections, etc.) 10) You find yourself using shaming words about your child on a regular basis. (You always… you never… calling them stupid, idiot, good-for- nothing, your brother never does that…)
- 33. 1) Be Decisive 2) Be Positive 3) Explain yourself 4) Make rule impersonal 5) Be brief and clear
- 34. 6) Offer a choice whenever possible 7) Reward good behaviour 8) Know when not to get involved 9) Work together 10)Pick your battles
- 35. A hundred years from now it won’t matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child. Kathy Davis Teacher
- 36. Take a moment to listen today To what your children are trying to say Listen today whatever you do Or they won’t be there to listen to you Listen to their problems Listen to their needs Praise their smallest triumphs Praise their smallest deeds
- 37. Tolerate their chatter Amplify their laughter Find out what’s the matter Find out what they’re after But tell them that you love them every single night And though you scold them be sure you gold them Tell them everything is alright Tomorrow’s looking bright
- 38. Feels good Builds self-esteem (wow! They actually want to hug ME!) Dispels loneliness Overcomes fear Slows down ageing Huggers stay younger longer
- 39. Is portable Affirms physical well-being Is energy efficient, saves heat Makes impossible days possible Makes happier days happier
- 40. Eases tension Fights insomnia Keeps arm and shoulder muscles in good condition Is ecologically sound Does not upset the environment Is democratic Anyone is eligible for a hug
- 41. • Thanks for listening! • QUESTIONS?? • For further information, see www.counsellor.ie