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The Night I Changed
Natasha Larisa Cronin
Claire and I met at Tony Roma’s September 6, 1986. I was the manager and was
interviewing waitresses. When Claire walked in I felt the world had stopped. She was
wearing a sleeveless pink summer crocheted sweater that made her tan skin glow. I knew
she was the one. That Christmas Eve I asked her to marry me. She told me we should
start dating first.
I honestly don’t know why she stayed with me through my alcoholism, my many
D.U.I.s and of course, Blanca. Three years after our Ellie was born, Blanca had called the
house asking for me and Claire had answered. She told Blanca that her husband wasn’t
home and asked if she should leave a message for him, Blanca hung up. That night Claire
sat me down and told me, “It’s us or her. Don’t come home until you make your
decision.” Claire’s father wasn’t around when she grew up. I knew she didn’t want the
same for Ellie.
I chose them of course. Who wouldn’t choose them? Her beautiful brown hair
with its soft ringlets framing her face and Ellie with her fiery red hair that matched her
personality. I should have cleaned up my act back then, but I had a disease I couldn’t
shake. I got fired from a lot of jobs, more than I care to say. My little princess was
embarrassed of me. How could I blame her?
I finally got sober before Ellie turned eighteen and landed a decent job by the time
she finished her first quarter in college. I was the general manager for a fancy restaurant
that was opening its first branch in Sherman Oaks. Claire had become a bit overweight
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over the last twenty-nine years. I didn’t judge her. I wasn’t the surfer-running-vegetarian
guy I used to be. Claire was our superwoman, super person. She brought up Ellie. I barely
contributed. I couldn’t believe Ellie was my blood; she was so mature for her age. My
princess grew up into a queen when I wasn’t looking.
I was at the restaurant when it happened, late as usual. It was a few days before
Christmas so we were busy. I do a lot of miscellaneous things for restaurants that Claire
always tells me I’m not responsible for. I’ve painted an entire restaurant over night. I’ve
let the waiters and waitresses go home a little early while I close up. I do paperwork after
we close because during the shifts, I’m always out on the floor talking to people. So I’m
usually in the office after I close from around midnight until two or three in the morning.
Luckily Ellie is like her mother; she gets all her work done days, sometimes weeks, in
advance.
Claire always carried a stack of coupons in her purse that were held together by a
black clip. If she was in a bad mood after shopping she would ask, “Can you get off your
ass and help me with the groceries?” But by the time I switched off the movie that I was
watching, Ellie always beat me to it and would be lugging the bags in. She worked eighty
to one hundred hour workweeks as a controller and HR manager. Somewhere in between
she had helped Ellie find colleges that tailored to her major. There wasn’t anything that
woman couldn’t do. But that’s what mothers are, superhuman. I guess that’s why I was in
such shock when Ellie left me a screaming voicemail from the ambulance. “Daddy,
please pick up!” She started to cry, “Dad, it’s mom. They’re taking to her St. Johns. Meet
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us there. God why can’t you pick up!?” I’m not fond of cell phones, but after that
message I became glued to the thing.
I don’t remember the drive to the hospital. I drove, but I was on autopilot. I wasn’t
in my body, I was just sitting back watching my world crumble. Claire was all I had left
in this world. Whenever I came home, I always knew she was there. I knew that when I
came home, she would shut off her TV show so that I could vent about my bad or good
day at work. She always listened either way. I couldn’t picture her not sitting in that chair
asking me, “How was work?”
When I got to the hospital I ran over to the nurses’ station and asked, “What room
is Claire Kane in?”
“Are you family sir?” The young woman asked me.
“Yes I’m her husband.” I responded breathlessly.
“Room 204.” She stood up from behind the counter, “Go down the hall and turn
right.”
“Thank you.” I pulled a muscle on my right leg on the way up, so I tried to speed
walk down the hall. I started to think about all the things Claire and I had gone through
for the past 30 years. It was then that I could feel the heat of terror and sadness make its
way up from my throat to my face causing my eyes to swell and water. All the terrible
things I had done to her. I had cheated. I had gambled away and overspent so much of our
money that she worked three jobs to pay off the sixty thousand dollar debt I put us in. She
never pursued her dreams to be a singer or actress because I ignored my duties not only
as a husband but also as a father when Ellie was born. Claire had no time for herself.
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I turned the corner and found room 204. I could see Ellie inside the room. She
was in her nightgown, the one that matched her mother’s. It peeked out beneath her
UCLA hoodie. Her red hair stuck up like a birds nest and her face was red and swollen.
She looked so tiny and thin that night compared to when I saw her that morning. Her
body only took up half the chair. Her small pale fingers were wrapped around her body as
if she were let go she would unravel.
I took another white and blue hospital chair and set it beside my wife’s bed. The
oxygen nose tubes circled around her perfectly peaceful face. The misery that I had
bestowed upon her was erased in this sleep. What had I done in my life to deserve this
superwoman? I should have always picked up her calls. I shouldn’t have strayed from her
and I should have brought up this incredible human being that we produced. I should
have encouraged her to pursue her dreams. What I was most sorry for was my absence in
our union.
I reached over to her hand and gently held it avoiding the IV tube. I looked into
her closed eyes, “I promise you that I’m going to change.” I kissed her hand. I knew I
wouldn’t get a second chance from God or the universe like I did when I was a
recovering alcoholic. This would be my one and only chance to make things right. I knew
that I had to become a better man.
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