Anger Management

1. Module 8
Assertive Communication

2. Assertive communication-
involves clearly stating your
needs-how you feel and what
you need- without violating
the rights of others.
Aggressive Communication –
needs, feelings, and wants
are honestly stated, but at
the other person’s expense.
Passive Communication-
needs, feelings, and wants
are withheld altogether or
expressed only partially or
indirectly.
The Principles of
Assertive
Communication:
Rather than submitting to or
overpowering the other
person who disagrees with
you, you have the right to
express your position and
negotiate any differences
that arise.
Assertive Rights: Children have no choice about the beliefs they were taught. However, as adults we
have the option of choosing whether or not we want to hold onto those beliefs that discourage
assertive behavior.

3. Dysfunctional Thoughts & Assertive Rights
Dysfunctional Thought Assertive Rights
It’s a shameful to make mistakes You have a right to make mistakes
It’s selfish to put your needs before those of others. You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
If you can’t convince someone that your feelings are
reasonable, then the feelings must be wrong.
You have a right to express your own opinions and beliefs.
You should always try to be logical and consistent. You have the right to change your mind.
You should be flexible and adjust. You have a right to question what you view as unfair treatment.
You should never interrupt people. Asking questions reveals
your stupidity.
You have a right to interrupt or to ask for clarification.
Things could get even worse; don’t rock the boat. You have a right to negotiate for change.

4. Confronting Your Obstacles for Being Assertive
If I’m assertive in this
situation, what is the
worst thing that could
happen?
What beliefs do I have
that would lend
probability to this
happening?
Is there any evidence to
support this belief?
What evidence is there
to refute this belief?
What would be a more
realistic negative
outcome of my being
assertive in this
situation?
How might I respond to
or cope with this more
realistic negative
outcome?
What is the best thing
that could happen?
What is going to happen
if I continue to do what I
have been doing?
Is it worth it to me to be
assertive in this
situation?

5. Criticism as Manipulation
Assertive Approaches for Dealing with Criticism
Criticism as manipulation
Having difficulty dealing with criticism
because they experience it as personal
rejection. As a child, when you made a
mistake your parents and other authority
figures may have passed judgment on you.
You learn these feelings as shame and begin
to feel ashamed whenever you feel
criticized by others.
Assertive approaches for dealing with
criticism
• Some people may have developed
special coping mechanisms to
minimize the pain of criticism that
have followed them into
adulthood, such as blowing up,
recalling the faults of the critic, or
acting as if they didn’t hear the
criticism yet still feel miserable
inside.
• These actions can be damaging to
healthy relationships as well as
self-esteem.

6. Acknowledgment – When
others offer constructive
criticism, you can use this
feedback to improve
yourself.
Sorting – A non-constructive
criticism with which you
disagree may require the
use of a more creative
assertive approach known
as sorting.
Agreement in Part – This
method of sorting involves
finding some piece of the
manipulative critic’s
statement that you think is
true, and agreeing with it.
Agreement in Principle –
Next method of sorting is
agreeing with others in
principle. Simple logic: if X
then Y.
Agreement in Probability –
You can use with a person
who employs non-
constructive criticism is
called agreement in
probability.
Clarification – To clarify the
intent of the other’s
statements, you may want
to clarify by listening
carefully.

7. Different Approaches
The content-to-process
• If a conversation gets stuck in a
conflict of needs or strong
feelings, you can shift the focus
from the presenting topic to an
analysis of what is happening
between the two of you.
The Broken-record approach
• The broken record approach is
one of several assertive skills
that will help you deal more
effectively with others.
• This technique is also effective in
communicating to others what
you need when their interests
are preventing them from seeing
yours.

8. More on the broken record approach
1. Decide exactly what you need or don’t want. Assess your thoughts about the situation, your feelings, and
your assertive rights.
2. Create a brief, specific, easy-to-understand statement about what you need. A single sentence is best.
3. Employ assertive body language to support your sentence: good posture, direct eye contact, and calm,
and self-assured voice.
4. Firmly repeat your brief sentence, as many times as necessary for others to get your message and to
realize that you won’t change your mind.
5. You may acknowledge the other’s opinions, feelings, or wants before returning to your broken record.

9. Slowing It Down & Stating your Position
Slowing Down
The urgency to fix a problem too quickly
usually is the result of anxiety. You don’t
need to respond immediately to every
problem or have an instant answer when
others raise an issue.
Slow down the conversations helps by
giving you a chance to better understand
what is really being said.
Stating your position
• 1. Your understanding of the
situation.
• 2. Your feelings regarding the
situation.
• 3. Your needs regarding the
situation
• 4. An incentive to encourage
others to cooperate.

10. Active Listening
• Listening actively focuses your attention on others so that you can
accurately hear his or her thoughts, feelings, and needs.
• It involves three steps:
1. 1.Become aware of your own thoughts, feelings and needs.
2. 2. Listen by giving your full attention to others.
3. 3. Ask for more information when not sure how to respond initially.

11. Compromise

12. Saying No & Sharing Negative Feelings
Learning how to say no and share
negative feelings are an
important aspect of effective
anger management.
Assertiveness problems often
originate in families where there
were inadequate boundaries and
limits.
You may already realize that a
major trigger is activated when
you feel compelled to say or do
things that you aren’t
comfortable with, or when you
have to act as though you feel
something that you don’t.
Replacing passive & aggressive
communication with assertive
communication requires a
lifetime commitment. It’s easy to
revert to old habits when under
stress.
Ask yourself what assertive skills
you could use the next time
you’re in a stressful or
problematic situation?
Homework: Anger Log