This document contains links to comedy videos and sketches written and performed by Mike Schwab. There are several categories of comedy pieces, including stand-up comedy routines, sketches about Oregon weather and relationships, sketches related to the Oregon Country Fair, and Christmas-related sketches. The sketches use humor to tell short stories about characters dealing with situations specific to Oregon culture.

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COMEDY MATERIAL WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY MIKE
SCHWAB
COMEDY ACTING DEMO REEL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQ60BUU3jkg
STANDUP COMEDY
STANDUP COMEDY CLASS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lE7f7Dv6ew (PART 1)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt4_exBbDLo (PART 2)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDZY2rxgrVg
LAFFOFF STANDUP COMPETITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JECIDGFEeso
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfJNGSrR4oE
NO SHAME EUGENE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIoBR-pnToo

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COMEDY SKETCHES
OREGON WEATHER-RELATED PIECES
1. Summer Time in Oregon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COaTReSqdzY
When four recent transplants from L.A. move to Oregon’s Willamette Valley in
the Summer, they’re greeted with hot and sunny weather. When they hear that the
“beach” is only an hour away, they’re excited to spend time there in the same way as they
used to spend time at Southern California’s beaches. They’re excited to play volleyball,
work on their tan lines, go swimming, etc. Needless to say, they’re highly disappointed
when they arrive to a coast of gray skies, cold and windy weather, and cold water. A
meteorologist asks them how they did not “consider the sea-breeze circulations that
develop due to the strong temperature difference between the land and the ocean.” The
L.A. transplants couldn’t believe that they didn’t think about how the “specific heat of
water is very high relative to the specific heat of land.” When they notice the wave
heights, they ask the scientist if he wants to perform some calculations on the waves to
verify some research. The scientist says, “Screw those calculations.” Instead, he wants to
catch some “sick waves.”
2. The End of a Summer Relationship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhOrHJpp7AM
As Fall begins, an Oregon resident feels sad, as it is the time to say good bye to
the Sun. When a friend finds out why this man is upset, the friend offers to help. He says
that the Sun is one of his friends, and they he can call the Sun right away. The Sun says
that he needs to head south for the Winter, but the upset man continues to plead his case.
The Sun decides that he will stay around Oregon this winter. When the Oregon forests
find out the Sun is staying, they protest. They say that they are super thirsty and
uncomfortable, because it has been hot and dry for months. They tell the upset man that
he doesn’t get to enjoy the greenery and sun all year, too. In other words, he can’t have
his cake and eat it, too. After debating it, the Sun decides to stick around this time.
Shortly after, though, Arnold Schwarzenegger shows up and states that “the Sun belongs
to California, and California belongs to me!”

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RELATIONSHIP-RELATED PIECES
3. It’s Time to do a Lil’ Seed Spreadin’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ckbvu4JMs0
A man and his wife have a baby. The man tells the woman that it looks like she
has things under control, so he’s going to head out…to Europe. He had recently seen the
movie Idiocracy (where the future of the human race has become dumb because the only
people who are procreating are those who not bright). This man states that it is his duty to
go around the world and impregnate as many women as possible. He attempts to justify
this by saying that he thinks he is pretty smart, so he has a social responsibility to spread
his genes in order to combat the “idiot breeding.” His wife is not happy with this, so she
becomes upset. She becomes very angry when it is clear that this is simply his way to be
allowed to go around and get laid. She is not going to let him go. However, his wife then
receives a phone call from a man who states that the child she just had is not actually her
husbands. The actual father is coming over to meet them. She hangs up and tells her
husband that she has had a change of heart and that he should go out and save the world.
He is pleased and leaves. The actual father shows up, and the woman is happy, because
he will help raise the child. She learns that this man has just returned from a worldwide
trip. She asks him why he went on this trip, and she becomes upset when he asks her if
she has ever heard of the movie Idiocracy.
4. The Difficulty of a Three-Way Relationship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGbcpU3IjWo
A woman is ready to take things to the next level with her new male interest by
introducing him to her roommate. The woman makes it clear that it is critical for the man
to get on the good side of said roommate. The man is nervous, and he is surprised to find
out that the roommate in question is her cat. He attempts to befriend this animal, but the
cat is playing “hard to pet.” The woman and man become excited when it appears that the
cat is opening up to the man. However, when the woman is gone, the cat is quite
aggressive toward him. The two of them are in a vicious mental and then physical battle.
As soon as the woman enters, however, the cat quickly begins cuddling with him. The
woman is highly excited by seeing this wonderful bond that she believes is genuine. He is
pleased that there can at least appear to be a good relationship, but he is highly nervous,
since he realizes that there will definitely be difficulties ahead.

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5. He could be the Perfect Fish in the Sea
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2Mq3JJ4CFI
A man and woman meet up for a first date. The man is very confused and
concerned when she takes out a form and begins asking him a fairly long series of
questions. He finds it very strange, but he goes along with it. After she has filled out the
form, she goes away briefly. When she comes back, she tells him that she has good news.
According to his answers, they should soon totally get married! Of course, he freaks, and
tells her that she’s nuts, because this is “the first fuckin’ date!” He takes off. She says,
“Well, that’s too bad” and checks him off the list. Then she calls the next guy on the list.
She introduces herself and then makes a statement that he sounds like the perfect fish for
her.
6. The Manliest of Men
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_Aytgiz9y8
A man puts out a personal ad that should be considered “non-traditional.” This
man is very confident in himself. He calls himself “Dr. Zeuss,” and he describes himself
as a person who is ridiculously badass, attractive, and good in bed. As he says, “Once
they develop a deep connection, you’ll get to experience what a large slice of macho
pizza tastes like.” Women can start lining up soon, but almost all of them will not be
worthy.
OREGON COUNTRY FAIR-RELATED PIECES
7. We Is No Longer in Kansas No More
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pQt9JKW6bc
A family of country bumpkins travels a long way to attend a fair that they have
heard is a must see. They believe it is a county fair similar to the one they have, but it is
actually The Oregon Country Fair. Upon realizing that they are at a “hippy fest,” they
become disappointed and plan to leave. However, the son sees a topless woman, so he is
intrigued. The Oregon Country Fairy talks to him about the many women who enjoy
“freely expressing their bodies there.” He must convince his family that they should give
this fair a chance. They do, and with the help of the fairy, they all enjoy a magical life-
changing experience.

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8. There’s Trouble at the Country Fair
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKjofVmH9c
When Rush Limbaugh shows up at the Oregon Country Fair, fair security
employees are faced with a difficult situation. Upon realizing that this is too hard for
them, they bring in special forces: The Fair Bears. The Fair Bears, made up of Peace
Bear, Love Bear, and Party Bear, attempt to calm him down, but they are not able to
accomplish this peacefully. They must resort to using their special power: the Fair Bear
Stare. They blast him with this stare, and he is converted from “hating this fair” to
“loving this fair.” Rush Limbaugh is now a fair-loving hippy who is over his previous
beliefs about liberals.
9. The Fair Bears Have Done Good Work
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoUGxUrn-B0
This is a continuation of “There’s Trouble at The Country Fair.” Upon learning
that Rush Limbaugh is now a hippy, Sean Hannity and Anne Coulter show up at the fair
in order to “return Rush to sanity.” They struggle to get Rush to return to his old beliefs.
When Anne starts saying irrational things, people think she had bad drugs. A security
guard is brought in. She apparently is just being Anne, so the guard lets her be. However,
Sean is removed from the fair for camping there without being under the influence of
anything. Anne continues to say crazy things, so a special force must be brought into the
situation: The Oregon Country Fairy. She is able to calm Anne down and turn her into
reasonable person. Everything is saved.
EUGENE’S BUTTE-Y COMPETITION PIECES
10. Eugene’s Butte-y Competition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y49dtEUHZlQ
It’s time for Eugene to finally hold a beauty competition. The entire town wants to
finally vote to settle the issue of which is better: Skinner’s Butte or Spencer’s Butte. In a
heated battle, it is difficult to determine, as they both have convincing arguments. They
certainly both have pros and cons. Just when a winner is about to be determined, a third
contestant shows up: it’s Mt. Pisgah. Skinner’s and Spencer’s argue that she shouldn’t be
in the competition, because “she isn’t even a butte.” However, she fits the definition, so
she must be considered. Skinner’s and Spencer’s are pissed.

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11. Eugene’s Butte-y Competition Part II
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWcoQOiIkYQ
Mt. Pisgah gives a very strong argument as a candidate to be considered for
Eugene’s top butte. When Skinner’s and Spencer’s recognize that she might win, they
team up to take her down. Skinner’s Butte uncovers some dirt on her showing that years
ago she exposed her peaks in a magazine called “Peaks and Cheeks.” The judges
determine that she is to be disqualified. However, Mt. Bachelor shows up to argue for Mt.
Pisgah. He claims that her exposed peaks never hurt anyone, and they should be thanking
Mt. Pisgah, because these peaks were highly beneficial for many mountains. The judges
are convinced that exposed peaks shouldn’t disqualify her, so they let this go. Mt. Pisgah
is awarded Eugene’s Butte-y Competition Winner.
12. Eugene’s Butte-y Competition-Part III (A choose your own adventure
sketch)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4y6xXNIrNOE
This is the final sketch of the Eugene’s Butte-y Competition series. Mt. Hood
calls in Skinner’s Butte and Spencer’s Butte, because he is upset that Skinner’s and
Spencer’s lost in a butte competition to Mt. Pisgah. Mt. Hood states that this is an
embarrassment to the butte community, and they must fix this. Skinner’s and Spencer’s
come up with some ideas to handle this. Various options are laid out. The audience gets to
choose which direction to go with this.
CHRISTMAS-RELATED PIECES
13. Santa and Mrs. Claus Get a Divorce
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3t1oSLwDvus
In this 1st episode of a several part series, Mrs. Claus discovers that Santa has
been cheating on him when he goes out to deliver presents on Christmas Eve. When she
confronts him, he lies about it. When it becomes clear that he is guilty, they get in a fight.
Santa expresses his frustrations that he has had in the relationship. The fight escalates,
and then Santa storms off to Bermuda, taking Rudolph with him.

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14. Santa is Starting to Miss Mrs. Claus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTs7d276BiY
As Valentine’s Day approaches and Santa has been away from Mrs. Claus for over
a month, Santa realizes that he misses his ex. Cupid calls him in order to bring them back
together. Cupid goes to the North Pole to bring Mrs. Claus to Santa. Upon seeing her,
however, Cupid develops feelings toward her. He talks Mrs. Claus into being interested in
him instead of Santa. When Santa sees them kissing, he becomes aggressive toward both
of them. Mrs. Claus beats him and cusses him out. Santa has to run away.
15. Mrs. Claus is Making Santa’s Life a Living Hell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22gGZIwdNJE
Mrs. Claus has been on the same island as Santa for quite some time. This is
much to the dismay of Santa, as Mrs. Claus has been torturing him. Santa is determined
to get off the island, but then Mrs. Claus catches him in a trap. She shoots Cupid’s arrow
toward Santa and Rudolph, so they fall in love with each other. Santa and Rudolph have
plans to sail to Ireland together.
16. Mrs. Claus is Ruining Santa’s Reputation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-OliiUYr0c
A character who appears to be a leprechaun takes Santa and Rudolph to Ireland.
However, this character is actually Mrs. Claus disguised as a leprechaun. She convinces
Santa that they should switch clothes, because Santa should fit in with and not be
recognized by the locals of Ireland. When they arrive, they part ways. Shortly after, Mrs.
Claus, disguised as Santa, begins to say and do appropriate things to ruin Santa’s
reputation. When Santa finds out that people are saying bad things about him, he is
confused. He tracks down who he thinks is the leprechaun disguised as Santa and he
confronts him about it. Then, Mrs. Claus reveals herself. Santa is really pissed now as he
realizes they are in deep trouble. He tells Rudolph that they must leave ASAP and go get
married. They go toward the only place where humans can marry animals: Springfield,
Oregon.
17. Santa and Rudolph Wanna Get Married
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywpkaHwaFk4
Santa and Rudolph show up at the Gateway Mall in Springfield to try to get a
marriage license. The woman there has no issues marrying a reindeer and a human.
However, she finds out that the reindeer is a male, and she is disgusted by the idea of two
males being together. She denies their request, as homosexuality is not permitted with

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them. Apparently, it is OK to have that happen in a Unitarian Universalist church in
Eugene, though, so they plan to go there.
18. The Santa Story is Finally Over
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUKokogJsE4
Santa and Rudolph are about to get married. Mrs. Claus shows up, though, to
prevent the wedding. She undoes the love she created between these two, and she tells
Santa that she wants to get back together. Santa says OK. When Mrs. Claus leaves, Santa
tells Rudolph that he’s going to blow her up, because he doesn’t trust her. He does. The
narrator stops the action, though, because he is not happy with this ending. He has the
story get rewound, so that it could be changed. In the new ending, Cupid shows up and
shoots Mrs. Claus and Santa with his arrow to make them fall in love. They do and they
all things are good once again.
19. Santa is Introduced to Halloween
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCcTZjU3PeU
As a return to the Santa series, Santa and Mrs. Claus are happily living in Eugene.
Halloween approaches, and Santa has never heard of it. When trick or treaters approach
the door, he believes the children in costumes are midgets in disguise whom are trying to
rob him. He freaks out and attempts to defend himself. Mrs. Claus breaks it up and then
explains Halloween. Santa finds this holiday to be very weird. He doesn’t see how the
history of Halloween has become what it is today.
20. Santa is Ready for the Apocalypse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xw-O-mc0sM
Given that it is 2012, the Mayan Calendar stated that the world would end on
December 21st. Santa assumes that is the case, so him and the reindeer figure it isn’t
worth it to do any work all year. They party hard. On the 21st, they prepare to die and go
to sleep. They wake up, and the 22nd is upon them. The world did not end! Santa curses
the Mayans and freaks out. He needs time to go backwards so that they can save
Christmas this year. He calls in Superman to help him, and then he calls in Doc from
Back to the Future. That doesn’t work either. They think all is lost, but then God talks to
them. They get excited, because they believe God will save everything. Instead, God
actually ends the world after all.

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21. Mrs. Claus Thinks it’s About That Time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alG7G09mzUw
Mrs. Claus decides that she should have a child, because her biological clock is
ticking. Santa says OK, so she becomes pregnant. They read the “Book About Santa Shit”
that discusses how labor with a Santa child works. It states that a Santa baby goes up and
out through the mouth of the mother, as an adult Santa exits up and out through a
chimney. Labor begins, and the baby shoots out Mrs. Claus’ mouth. The baby
demonstrates some interesting behavior shortly after birth.
22. Christmas Time: A Time for Adults to Feel Smarter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zG_QvywbNxI
This is a story about a father who loves Christmas, because he is allowed to lie to
children. He receives satisfaction when he is able to trick little kids into believing this
ridiculous story. It makes him feel smart. He also enjoys the moment when he tells the
kid later that he was lying the whole time. He records this moment of telling his son the
truth, and claims that the child “got punked.” The kid is devastated, but the father is
thrilled. He tells the kid that this video is gold, and kid will laugh at it later. The mother
thinks it is cruel. They mention that they aren’t sure which Christmas story is more
ridiculous and unbelievable: the Santa story or the Jesus story.
23. How the Grinch Restole Christmas
This is the continuation of the traditional Grinch story. In this original story, the
Whos forgive the Grinch, and they welcome him into their circle. In this sequel, it is
revealed that what appears to be forgiveness is an act. They try to capture the Grinch. The
Grinch breaks away, and then he decides to steal Christmas for good this time. However,
they trap him. They decide that he deserves to be punished and they need to make sure
that this never happens again, so they decide that he should be hanged. Santa shows up
and tells them that they need to let him go, or else Christmas in Whoville will be
destroyed forever. Santa says that the Grinch’s anger toward the Whos is justified, since
they treated him poorly. The Whos and the Grinch agree to not bother each other
anymore.

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24. Help Wanted at Santa’s Workshop
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFwPSpzdtFw
Santa’s workshop is interviewing elves for positions in the workshop. A candidate
is looking like a strong candidate. However, the interviewer finds out that he is actually a
gnome, so he is unqualified. The gnome pleads for consideration. He claims that he is an
“elf trapped inside of a gnome’s body.” The gnome states that he does not want to go
back to the garden. The interviewer states that no exceptions can be made. The
interviewer mentions that the gnome could work for keebler, but the gnome doesn’t want
to “make cookies that suck.” The gnome is about to give up, but then he realizes that the
interviewer is an elf from Lord of the Rings. Those kind of elves aren’t supposed to work
for Santa, and the gnome mentions that. She realizes the only way that she can keep her
job is if she lets the gnome work at the workshop.
25. Christmas Baby Photos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRzKNgzm5mc
A photographer is taking photos of cute babies for Christmas. When she sees a
baby that is much less than cute, she starts to sing a parody of “Santa Baby.” It’s called
“Ugly Baby.”
26. ’Twas the Night Before Some Fucked Up Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkGubPWriE
This is a parody of the poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas”. This is the much more
disturbing version. In this story, Santa is having sex with a guy’s wife. Meanwhile, the
husband is outside paying Rudolph for sex. The wife is disgusted, so she flies off with
Santa.
OTHER HOLIDAY-RELATED PIECES
27. Punxsutawney Phil is Sick of His Job
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1MhR-CaspI
On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil reluctantly comes out for everyone. He is
not happy. He makes a prediction that Spring is near. However, his prediction is not
correct, as winter stays for a long time. The locals are not happy, as they planted flowers
and filled their swimming pools in anticipation of the soon-to-be warm weather. He
communicates his frustration that people expect him to be able to predict the weather
simply by viewing his shadow.

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28. Punxsutawney Phil Has Had Enough
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5D2k3Q4Oic
On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil states that he will not be doing any
predicting until he is able to talk to some characters who have done him wrong. First of
all, Bill Murray is brought to him. Phil wants to know why he hasn’t received any
payments for Bill’s movie. Bill said that he’ll talk to the executives about it. Next, Cupid
is brought to Phil. Phil is upset, because Cupid has never hooked him up with a girlfriend.
Cupid apparently figured Phil was gay. Lastly, Phil tells a guy that he is going to quit this
job and pursue another job in the bullshitting arts. He decides that he’ll be a TV
Meteorologist.
29. Cinco de My…Oh Geez
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdDoLMnYRgw
A man shows up at the front desk of his hotel in Mexico. A female employee is
checking him in, and she finds out that he is another American tourist that doesn’t know
what he is doing. He is simply there to get hammered on Cinco de Mayo. She quizzes
him about the history of Cinco de Mayo, and he is clueless. When he is not feeling good,
she asks him about it, and he reveals that he’s been drinking the tap water. She can’t
believe that he didn’t know not to drink it. Even further, he starts hallucinating. He
mentions that he was given a cactus soup by a guy. He apparently thought it was coyote,
but it was actually peyote. It’s really messing with him. She says that he needs to be a lot
more careful in Mexico. He says that he will, and the woman believes that he has learned
his lesson. Moments later, however, he states that he has good news. He is to meet up
with a guy who took his cash earlier and stated that they should meet up today about
purchasing a timeshare. The employee and the man walk off as she communicates her
frustration with this ridiculous tourist.
30. A New Year, A New Rear
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30YyI8PM828
This is a story of a man stating discussing his New Year’s Resolutions. As an
athletic and toned guy, he wants to be a contestant on the Biggest Loser. When a friend
mentions to him that he is not overweight, he says that he realizes this, so he will have to
train. He brings in a woman named Millian Jichaels, who gets him eating a lot of fat and
carbs while sitting around doing nothing everyday. His other resolutions include being on
the show The Intervention and impregnating as many women in the world as possible.

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31. God Needs an Easter Helper-Based on a True Story
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjIA9KzWw1w
This is a story about how a bunny became the character used to celebrate the
holiday of Easter. God is interviewing candidates. First, a party planner is interviewed.
Secondly, Chuck. E. Cheese comes in. He says he’ll throw resurrection parties, and he’ll
call it a Chuck E. Jesus celebration. Finally, a bunny shows up. He pretty much is there
just because he needs a job. He has a “shitload of child support” to pay. God isn’t into the
bunny. However, the bunny tells him that God should punish the Jews for what they did
to Jesus; the bunny knows a Jewish farmer with Jewish chickens that should have to work
for God. God decides he’ll go with this.
32. A School for the Zombie Arts
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScJ_A_aR1kI
This is a story about young zombies learning how to be successful adult zombies.
These are not typical students, however. They are the special ed zombies. They each
struggle with particular aspects of being a zombie, such as not being scary enough or not
walking in the correct way. The teacher is preparing them for a great hippy brain feast at
Eugene’s Holiday Market. The end of this piece includes the building being locked, and
the zombies going toward the audience members to eat their brains.
33. The Oohs and Aahs (on the 4th of July)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usP7RpZ15Ps
On the 4th of July, it is standard for Americans to watch fireworks and express the
sounds of oohs and ahhs. In this story, a man makes other sounds to a fireworks display.
When a couple of guys say that he needs to make ooh and ahh sounds, he states that there
is no where written that says it is mandatory. Ben Franklin appears and states that it is
actually written in small print in the constitution. He says that Americans can be deported
if they make any other sounds, because not making these sounds can lead to “the
terrorists winning.” This man is determined to learn how to make these sounds. With the
help of these other two men, he is able to succeed and everyone is happy.
34. The Original Thanksgiving
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unnnbm31vTY
This is the never-before-seen “totally true” reenactment of the original
Thanksgiving. We are able to see the Pilgrims and Native Americans participating in a
parade, a dog show, and American football. The Natives are happy to see that the
Pilgrims are so friendly to them and wonder if they will all be so nice.

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34. An Encounter with the Headless Horseman
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHerGAzqg9Q
This is the lesser known truth of the story of the Headless Horseman. We find out
that he is not headless after all. He has simply been hiding from his ex-wife for years.
When he saw her at a party, he covered his head and bolted out of there on a horse. He
tells this story to some fans of his, and one of them gets upset, because they have been
lied to all this time. A scuffle begins, and it doesn’t end well for the Headless Horseman.
SEASON-RELATED PIECES
35. It’s Fall Y’all!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBSV_7x0E5s
This is a poem with two contrasting characters. One character is very happy about
the beginning of Fall, while the other is very upset. For every positive aspect of Fall
communicated by the person who loves Fall, the other character has a combative
response. I guess what they say is true: there are two sides to every coin.
36. Oh the Sights and Sounds of Spring
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8sSTxPdVVw
This is a poem with two contrasting characters. One is very happy because it is
Spring, while the other is miserable. The happy person loves all the great things about
Spring, and the other person sees nothing bud bad things, such as allergies, animals
damaging his yard, and other negative aspects of it. At the end, the miserable person is
looking forward to Summer, while the happy person is mad just thinking about Summer.
37. Sweet! It’s Summer…Damn, that’s a Bummer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lU7ogIQIRDM
This is a poem with two contrasting characters: an upset middle-aged woman and
a happy younger man. The happy person sees nothing but the positive aspects of a
Eugene summer, while the other sees only bad things about it. At the end, the miserable
person mentions she is looking forward to football season, while the happy person is not
dreading it.

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38. Eugene’s Cutey Pageant
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=bSEYpHYfMug&list=LLxzTxsbMgSklG3s11Vwmpbw&index=33
With the beginning of Spring, many new wild animals are born. They are all very
adorable. It is time to settle the question of which animal is the cutest in a competition
called “Eugene’s Cutey Pageant.” The contestants are a baby lamb and a baby sheep.
They work hard trying to be as likeable and adorable as possible. They spend some time
arguing for themselves. They also verbally battle some. Then the judging occurs. It is
tough to decide, and it ends up being a tie. In order to settle this, a wolf is brought in. Of
course, this is upsetting to both animals. The wolf will eat the least cute animal, so they
are definitely hoping to win now. The wolf eats the lamb. The goat is relieved and happy,
but it is only temporary. The wolf chases down the goat and eats the goat as well.
OTHER EUGENE-RELATED PIECES
39. Diversity Training in Eugene
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5gBmWmlX_Y
Inspired by the true story that volunteers at the 2008 Olympic Trials in Eugene
were forced to take training to “learn how to talk to black people,” this is a fictional
glimpse into one of these trainings. In this meeting, a reluctant trainer is determined to
get it over with quickly. Upon learning that the volunteers are actually ignorant people
who are unintentional racists, he becomes very concerned. When they don’t appear to be
learning, he becomes very frustrated and storms off. It turns out that the volunteers were
playing a mean trick on him and had placed bets to see how long it would take for him to
storm out.
40. We’s Gettin’ Ourselves a Cabela’s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhMxkr33JGw
In anticipation of a new Cabela’s opening up in Springfield, a hunter/fisher
country boy is waiting in line for the doors to open. A snobby woman comes by and starts
ridiculing him and this culture. She is annoyed by stores like this. As they talk more, she
is surprised to find out that he is actually a bit of an intellectual hillbilly. She is getting
ready to leave, but then she finds out the store is hiring. All of a sudden, she’s excited
about this store and waits with him to get an application. She starts to think he is actually
kind of cute and asks him if he would like to go “trap a nutria” with her.

15. !15
41. Waiting in Line at the Oregon vs. Auburn BCS Championship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tndr4wfAcPg
Oregon fan and an Auburn fan engage in some solid trash talking to each other.
They begin by talking about how their teams are better, but then they start criticizing each
other’s states. After it escalates, they have a ridiculous fight. They calm down, and it
appears that things are good between them. As they walk off, the Oregon fan tapes a
“kick me” sign on the back of the Auburn fan.
NON-CATEGORIZED PIECES
42. Laughter is Actually the Second Best Medicine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSCBPIca6jk
A man approaches a doctor to renew his medical marijuana card. He claims it is
due to his back pain. The doctor doesn’t believe him. He tells her that is just one of the
many issues he has. He claims his leg is killing him, too. After she tells him he has
“bullshititis,” he starts to leave. He mentions his Jewish mother. At that point, the doctor
tells him that, because he has a Jewish mother, he can get all the weed he needs.
43. John and Juan
This is a tale of two Siamese twins who are about as different from each other as
two people can be. One is white, chubby, Mormon, old, conservative, and straight. The
other is Mexican, thin, atheist, young (he came out of the other’s side when the first guy
was 25), liberal, and gay. They struggle to get along in this crazy situation, and it appears
that attempting this is hopeless, but they do find one thing that they are good at…three-
legged races.

16. !16
44. Ah Crap; I Might Actually Win
A man running for governor sees that he is about to win. He becomes stressed,
though, when he realizes what being governor actually entails. He recognizes that
running for governor and attempting to win the race was more appealing than actually
having the job. He decides that he needs to blow the election, so he starts saying and
doing inappropriate things. His followers think he is joking, so they like him more. When
they believe he is being truthful with some bizarre statements, his followers say that they
like his honesty. He is frustrated. He decides that, because his followers are so loyal, he
will continue his pursuit of governor realizing that he can get away with just about
anything.
45. I’ll Be Damned if I Go To Avenue Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi6-ufPqvHM
This is a conversation between two puppets. One puppet is a Pinocchio string
puppet, and the other is a King Lear hand puppet. Avenue Q had a show, and Pinocchio
went to auditions. He is upset, because he was not considered due to the fact that string
puppets not considered. King Lear tells him that is just the way it is. Pinocchio talks
about how being a string puppet sucks. King talks about the advantages that Pinocchio
has, and that being a hand puppet has things that suck about it, too. There are a bunch of
fun string puns toward the end.
46. That’s it! I’m Calling the Show Hoarders!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVZu2cmliMY
A man is sick of the English language. He thinks there are too many ways of
expressing the same sound, and this needs to stop. He believes the English language is
hoarding excessive spellings and letters, and this should stop. He has the host from the
show “Hoarders” confront a dictionary for a conversation. The dictionary doesn’t believe
it has excessive letters and spellings. However, eventually, they get through to the
dictionary by singing “Let it go.” The dictionary gets rid of many unnecessary spellings.

17. !17
42. New Wildlife Orientation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4cWw1Lli5
Because Spring has started, many new cute animals have been born. They are very
excited about life. They are receiving information at an orientation about what to expect
and what to watch out for. They find out that they will soon need to chase down other
animals and kill them without mercy. Also, there will be stronger and faster animals than
them who will try to kill them as well. Needless to say, the animals feel a lot less excited
about life after the orientation.
SONGS
1. Fetish Night
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAyNceEdS6c
This is a parody of “Silent Night” about a fetish ball
2. Not so Much Joy to the World
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9rgms8Aowo
This is a parody of “Joy to the World” about the Mayan prophecy stating that the
world would end.
POEMS
1. A Poem About Eugene
CHARACTER PIECES
1. The Banana Slug Drag Queen
2. Mikelovin the Android
3. The Manliest Man (written for a Craigslist personal ad and performed by Jesse Wells)

18. !18
STANDUP COMEDY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIoBR-pnToo
FAKE COMMERCIALS
1. “I’ll Pass on the Dick” Choir
-During Eugene’s Beauty Competition, the lesbian contestant states that she will
“pass on the dick.” A choir produces a song about this. They advertise an upcoming
performance by singing this song.
2. The Bukakee Skin Care Clinic
https://www.funnyordie.com/account/
http_wwwgooglecom_imgresimgurlhttp_boingboingnet_wpcontent_u/media/417432
A group of men hear about women using semen as a facial skin product. They
open up a clinic where they participate in bukakees to “help women out.”
3. The Twerkout
-A woman has a gym where she has women combine typical exercise with
twerking.
4. The Skin Layer Remover
-An individual has created a tool to remove weight and width. It is a razor to get
rid of those “unnecessary layers of skin” that are causing extra weight and width.
5. The Medical Methamphetamine Card
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4Yky4svYt8
-A group of individuals have opened up medical offices to help people lose
weight. They sell the latest in legal medicine: medical meth.

19. !19
FILMS
Eugene’s Beauty Competition
(trailer) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gexR6r2CMcw
(entire show) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Egz7FXlr2TE
Eugene finally has a beauty pageant. The three contestants are Miss Saturday
Market, Miss Sorority Girl, and Miss Whiteaker. The judges are Miss Springfield, Kitty
Piercy, and Zombie Eugene Skinner. The three contestants battle in various competitions:
talent show, a trivia game about Eugene, and a question and answer part of the show. At
the end, Miss Sorority girl wins. Miss Whiteaker is highly upset, and she goes on a rant.
Things escalate, and a huge fight develops. All except Eugene Skinner get knocked out.
Eugene Skinner takes the crown and walks off.
So You Think Your Weather is the Shittiest
(trailer) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X5Dhci3_Oo
(entire show) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jfv9s_oe3Tg
The Checker
I have almost completed this feature film. It is about a man who is addicted to
Facebook (or Headbook as it is called in the movie). This addiction has destroyed his life,
so his friends perform an intervention. He works hard to beat this terrible addiction in
order to pursue his dream of opening up a business and winning back the love of his life.
TV SHOWS IN PRODUCTION
The Eugene News Network (ENN)
Eugene’s Fake News Station
I have been a reporter for, and I have been a producer for, eight shows from local
events.
The series is aired on the Community TV Station of Lane County (ctv29.org).
Example Episode:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0x0oAmWEZs FUTURE FILMS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMu79nYtTiE