Understanding the self to initiate behavior change

Understanding the self to initiate
behavior change and increase
effective communications
An alternative way of perceiving the
self and others.
Dr Celia Banting 1

Sign Posts
• Who am I?
• Where do I come from?
• Why am I here?
• What makes us who we are?
• The Five parts of the Self
• Using the Five parts of the Self
• Keeping the Self safe
Dr Celia Banting 2

What makes us who we are?
Our genes Learning from others
Dr Celia Banting 3

Psychological Messages and Decisions
Children soak up non-verbal
information, “Psychological
Messages,” like a sponge, and
they make subconscious
“Decisions” about themselves
and others… Good and Bad!!!!
However, there’s one problem with this process
and that is that children have immature brains
and believe their assumptions about these
psychological messages are the truth. It’s called
Magical Thinking (Occurs during 2 – 7 years old)
Dr Celia Banting 4

Transactional Analysis
“Life Positions”
I’m OK
You’re OK
I’m OK
You’re not OK
I’m not OK
You’re OK
I’m not OK
You’re not OK
Dr Celia Banting 5

Dr. Eric Berne’s 3 Ego State Theory
Parent Ego State; Behaviors, thoughts and feelings
copied from parents or Parent figures
Adult Ego State; Behaviors, thoughts and feelings
which are direct responses to the here and now
Child Ego State; Behaviors, thoughts and feeling
replayed from childhood
Dr Celia Banting 6

Ego State Breakdown
Adult Ego State; remains unchanged as unaffected
by the past
Controlling Parent Nurturing Parent
Adapted Child Free Child
Parent and Child ego states are replays of the past and are split into two
components.
Dr Celia Banting 7

Contaminations
Parent contamination
=
Prejudice
Child contamination
=
Delusions
Dr Celia Banting 8

Exclusions
The Parent ego state is blocked out
and therefore they haven’t
developed a conscience and don’t
care about anybody else
This describes a sociopath
“Its all about me”
Dr Celia Banting 9

Exclusions
Coupled with a
Child contamination.
This describes a Psychopath
“The voices in my head told me to do it”
Dr Celia Banting 10

Piaget’s stages of cognitive
development
Sensory motor Stage 0 -2 years Reflex based, hand eye
coordinated learning
Pre-operational
Concrete Operations
Formal Operations
2 -7 years
7 – 12 years
12 years up
Self Orientated, Egocentric
Child still effected by own
perceptions
Logical reasoning can
be applied to objects
that are seen
Think abstractly,
reason theoretically.
Not all people reach this
stage
Dr Celia Banting 11

The Five Parts
of The Self
Dr Celia Banting 12
Beginning at the bottom in
developmental order –
birth to seven years old.

Pictures of Spontaneous Me
Spontaneous Me in a positive way - you are being true to
yourself and others; you’re being real. You are doing things
that make you feel happy, excited and satisfying but things
that won’t hurt you or anyone else.
Dr Celia Banting 13

Spontaneous Me- Behaviors,
tone of voice and words
Behaviors Tone Words
Happiness Cheerful Wow
Sadness Sincere So sorry
Fear Authentic I feel
Anger Loud I’m furious
Playing High pitched Awesome
Dancing Giggling Woohoo
All creativity Expressive Amazing
Sport (+ and -) Cheering Go team!!
Singing Heartfelt Verse
True intimacy Gentle Darling
Drugs/alcohol - Slurring Slang
Dr Celia Banting 14

Pictures of Modified Me
Our negative ‘Modified Me’ allows us to get what we want without caring about other people. We
manipulate others and play ‘mind games’ to get what we want. It is damaging to other people, and
although we may initially get what we want by using this part of ourselves, it will hurt us in the end. We
won’t be liked and others will see us as being ‘unsafe,’ or hard work to be around.”
Dr Celia Banting 15

Modified Me – Behaviors
Manners + Polite Please/thanks
Conformity + Even Yes Sir
Acting dumb - Harsh Do what now?
Using sexuality - Seductive Well hello babe
Arguing/stubborn - Belligerent Make me
Sulking - Huffing/sighing Silent treatment
Being dramatic - Loud / OTT I’m gonna die
Kicking off - Aggressive All cuss words
Acting out - Confrontational Gonna kill myself
Rolling head/eyes - Sarcastic Whatever
Manipulative - Whining But why?
Histrionic - Wailing You don’t love me
Dr Celia Banting 16

Drivers – Conditional worth
Some children believe that they are only OK if
they adhere strictly to their parents’ wishes.
Be Perfect Driver Please Others Driver
Try Hard Driver Be Strong Driver
Dr Celia Banting 17

Injunctions – Psychological Messages
assimilated during childhood
Don’t Exist Don’t Be You
Don’t Be a Child Don’t Grow Up
Don’t Succeed Don’t Do Anything
Don’t Be Important Don’t Belong
Don’t Be Close Don’t Be Well/Sane
Don’t Think Don’t Feel
Depending upon the family dynamics during early childhood (2-7 yrs)
in order to stay safe and get their needs met, children may
subconsciously adopt some of these beliefs, which impact on the way
they perceive the world and the decisions they make in later life.
Dr Celia Banting 18

Pictures of Thinking Me
The Thinking Me is like a computer inside your head. It allows
you to make decisions based on facts, to be assertive and ask
for what you want. It is based on the here and now reality.
Dr Celia Banting 19

Thinking Me – Behaviors,
Dr Celia Banting 20
Teaching Slightly raised Please listen
Sitting up straight Even What
Chin up Clear When
Not too rigid Informative Why
Eye contact Expressive Where
Nodding Precise How
Purposeful Exact Specifically
Reading Not giggling Precisely
Concentrating Not yawning Exactly
Thinking Serious Basically
Listening Honest Essentially
Absorbing information Not shouting Actually

Pictures of Nurturing Me
When the Nurturing Me is used in a positive way, it enables others to
grow, to learn and become independent, but when it’s used in a
negative way, it disables others and make them feel useless.
Dr Celia Banting 21

Nurturing Me – Behaviors,
Safe hug + Caring How you doing?
Patting back + Crooning There, there
Comforting + Gentle It’s okay
Praising + Encouraging Good job
Modelling + Patient Try it this way
High Five + Playful High Five
Nursing + Reassuring You’re going to be okay
Helping + Cautious Can I help you?
Being kind + Soft Are you okay?
Smother mother - Overbearing Let me do that for you
Taking over - Dismissive You should do it this way
Disempowering - Impatient Just do it this way
Dr Celia Banting 22

Pictures of Controlling Me
The positive Controlling Me is concerned with safety
and keeping order, but the negative Controlling Me is
damaging. It is critical, impatient, mean and spiteful.
Dr Celia Banting 23

Controlling Me – Behaviors,
Tone of voice and Words
Controlling + Authoritative Stop, now!
Open posture + Raised voice Don’t do that
Pointing finger + Directive Should/shouldn’t
Raising arm + Gain attention Listen up
Herding + Urgent Hurry, there’s a fire
Consequences + Stern Don’t do it again
Balling fists - Threatening If you do that again…
Berating others - Critical Name calling
Gossiping - Spiteful Anything negative
Being impatient - Irritable Cuss, Get moving
Being angry - Aggressive I’ll take you down
Belittling others - Demeaning Stupid idiot
Dr Celia Banting 24

A Bar Chart of an emotionally healthy
individual
CM NM TM MM SM
Amounts of
positive
energy in
each of the
Five Parts of
the Self of a
stable and
emotionally
healthy
person
Dr Celia Banting 25

T.A. rules of communications
A Transaction is a verbal interaction
When Transactions are “Parallel” the dialogue
can go on indefinitely.
When a Transaction is “crossed” communication
stops and something different will happen. It
can be good or bad.
Dr Celia Banting 26

Examples of Parallel Transactions
Dr Celia Banting 27
A DISCUSSION
“What do you think about global warming?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t know enough about it.”
“The weather certainly seems extreme lately.”
“Let’s Google it and find out more about it.”
“Good idea. There seem to be a lot of natural
disasters lately…”
And on and on until they stop.
AN ARGUMENT or GAME PLAYING
“It’s your turn to put the trash out today.”
“No it’s not. You’re always getting out of it.”
“No I’m not. Mom said you had to do it.”
“Well, I’m not going to. You can do it.”
“That’s not fair.” (Whining)
“Who cares!”

Examples of Parallel Transactions
Dr Celia Banting 28
CONFRONTATION and PERSECUTION
“John, be quiet or I’ll take your points!”
“It wasn’t me talking.”
“Don’t lie, I heard you.”
“It wasn’t me.” (whining)
“Right, that’s it, you’ve lost your points for lying.”
“Well. F**k you!”
CARING and KINDNESS
“How was your day today?”
“Terrible, the car broke down and I had to walk.”
“Oh dear, did you have to walk far.”
“Miles, and I ended up with blisters.”
“Let me run a nice bubble bath for you.”
“Thanks, honey.”

Examples of Crossed Transactions
Dr Celia Banting 29
Each Transaction is an invitation to respond from the part directed to, but
if the person choses to respond from a different part, things change.
CM invites MM to respond
“Didn’t I just tell you to clean up your room?”
“F**k off and leave me alone.”
Responds from an alternative Part of the Self
TM invites TM to respond
“I’m just coming. I need the bathroom first though.”
(Avoiding confrontation)
“How was your day? Did you get all your points?”
“It was fine. I think I only lost a couple of points.”
MM invites CM to respond
“What’s it to you? You’re only here for a pay
check.” (Inviting staff into confrontation)

Examples of Crossed Transactions
Dr Celia Banting 30
Each Transaction is an invitation to respond from the part directed to, but if
the person choses to respond from a different part, things change.
SM invites NM to respond
“My shoulders ache. I need a massage, babe.”
“Okay, honey, let me get your favorite oil.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t right now, I’m cooking dinner.”
(In the here and now, explaining why she can’t. She
invites him to understand, so avoiding conflict)
CM invites MM to respond (Confrontation)
“Didn’t I insist that you had that file ready for me?”
“I’ve been trying my best.” (Whining)
CM invites MM to respond. This is a Power Play!!!
“Didn’t I tell you that we needed more time?”
(Eventually they will argue…MM to MM – Parallel T.

Keeping the Self safe
Be your own supervisor
Stay with one foot in your Thinking Me always
When someone crosses your Transaction, physically take a step
backwards which will give you a moment to remind yourself to
operate from your Thinking Me.
Encourage the “prisoners” to understand the Five Parts of the
Self and when they act out, ask them what part of the Self they
are using. You then invite them to shift into their Thinking Me.
Dr Celia Banting 31

Identifying those at high risk of
attempting suicide (my PhD research)
• Risk Factors Times more likely to attempt suicide
• History of family suicide 12.26
• Expresses, “Wish never born” 1.9
• ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ 6.2
• ‘Don’t Belong Injunction’ 2.9
• ‘Don’t Think Injunction’ 3.2
• Not close to grandparents 1.8
Dr Celia Banting 32

Statistically significant issues for
those incarcerated
Dr Celia Banting 33
Parents not together 0-6 yrs Has a Don’t Feel Injunction
Don’t know fathers Has a Don’t Succeed Injunction
Not close to mother Has a Be Perfect Injunction
Has family history of jail Not close to father
Has a stepfather Negative attitude
Religion not important External Locus of Control
Impulsive Lacks trust
Does not see a + future Others are Not OK
So how to help?

What helped me can help anyone
Dr Celia Banting 34
Share the tools to enable anyone, young and
old, to learn how to help themselves, to be the
best they can be and let them throw away the
mask they have had to hide behind.
Teach the Five
Parts of the Self
and watch them
SUCCEED

Dr Celia Banting 35
Case Studies
Frankie:
He is the son of a military man, mother constantly ill. Frankie is very anxious,
serious, and seems a lot older than fifteen. He is very depressed and wants to die.
In groups he gives lots of feedback to his peers but doesn’t hear their replies.
Identify possible Drivers and Injunctions (to help you understand
his perception of his world and his Life Position)
Identify which Parts of the Self he’s using during the day (to
identify any Exclusions or Contaminations)
Observe when he crosses Transactions and ask yourself why
(what’s he avoiding?)
How to help him
Initial task is always to help client access his Thinking Me, to help him learn,
question his thinking and behaviors, and to make changes.

Dr Celia Banting 36
Case Studies
Cassie:
She is the eldest of seven children and doesn’t know her father. She is failing at
school, running away from home, and having unprotected sex with older men. She is
rude and disrespectful and frequently gets into fights.
Identify possible Drivers and Injunctions (to help you
understand her perception of her world and her Life Position)
Identify which Parts of the Self she’s using during the day (to
Observe when she crosses Transactions and ask yourself why
(what’s she avoiding?)
How to help her? (The Golden Purse at www.wighitapress.com sample Two)
Initial task is always to help clients access their Thinking Me to help them
learn, question their thinking and behaviors, and to make changes.

Dr Celia Banting 37
Case Studies
Will:
Will’s father and older brother are in prison and he is involved in gang activities. He was
excluded from mainstream school and is in Alternative Learning, but constantly fights
with peers from opposing gangs. He sells and uses drugs, and hates authority.
Identify possible Drivers and Injunctions (to help you understand
his perception of his world and his Life Position)
Identify which Parts of the Self he’s using during the day (to
Observe when he crosses Transactions and ask yourself why
(what’s he avoiding?)
How to help him
Initial task is always to help client access his Thinking Me to help him learn,
question his thinking and behaviors, and to make changes.

Understanding the self to initiate behavior change

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