1. The perfect pitch
30 August 2011

2. * Monosyllabic agency name
Hello. We are*
And guess what, mother fucker? We’re none of
the things you thought we were. Are we an
agency? No. Are we a digital business? Wrong,
again you philistine. We’re creative. End SCENE.
Welcome to the future.

3. OK. LETS ROCK.
You want a simple solution to your problems. Thanks, but no thanks. R - E - S - P - E - C - T the strategy, son, cause
we’ll give you a Keynote full of it and it’ll cost you. A lot.
Know why? Because we need to teach you about what the internet is. It’s an incredible ecosystem of cross
pollinating propositions, just ripe for disruption. You want some geo-sensitive, mobile enabled, social toppings on
that pizza? We’ll use those balls of yours and gamify this bitch from the ground up. At the end of the day, all this
world of stuff is connected. You’re still trying to understand how the stuff I mentioned before is relevant to your
business, aren’t you? Catch up, pal. This is the big leagues now. Everything you know about your business - trash
it. You know your products and customers? Pass the white out. Because it’s all irrelevant.
How could we possibly know this? Well, we may not have anyone in-house who can understand analytics in any
in-depth way, model commercial frameworks to test our theories, or perform any trend analysis. Few of us have
even been out of Uni long enough to fill up their LinkedIn profiles. None of us will have any practical
entrepreneurial, or operational experience, but what we’ve got is a lil something called intuition. This coupled with
a bit of creative license and you won’t know what’s blown your client brain out of its goldfish bowl.

4. NUMBER ONE ON OUR AGENDA. WHAT IS THE INTERNET? YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW, BUT DON’T.
I’MMA DANGLE THE WORLD OF OPPORTUNITY IN FRONT OF YOU. DOES IT EXCEED YOUR BUDGET?
YAH. IS IT RELEVANT TO YOUR BUSINESS. NO. BUT IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. EVERYWHERE.
AROUND YOU. BEHIND YOU. INSIDE YOU.
NUMBER TWO. WE’VE DONE A QUICK BROWSE AND WE’D LIKE TO SHOW YOU SOME DESCENDING
CHARTS CAPTURED IN SCREENSHOTS. THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS. THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE THINK
ABOUT YOU. YOU PERSONALLY. THEY HATE YOU AND SO DO WE. BUT WE’LL FIX THAT, OK?
NUMBER THREE. THIS IS HOW WE’LL DO IT. WE HAVE A FEW COLUMNS FOR YOU TO LOOK AT AND
SOME ELEMENTARY, PATRONISING STEPS THAT NEVER GET ADHERED TO BECAUSE THE REALITY
OF ANY PROJECT IS SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE FORGOTTEN
THIS FROM THE LAST TIME YOU WENT THROUGH THIS PAINFUL PROCESS.
NUMBER FOUR. CALL US. OR DON’T CAUSE WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT. IF YOU DON’T APPOINT US, YOU
WEREN’T RIGHT FOR US. REMEMBER THAT. WHEN YOU’RE READY, YOU’LL COME BACK.
You’re welcome for our time. I’mma crack some jokes while I
pack up my Apple and moleskin and you see me out. Thanks.

5. * Monosyllabic agency name
Questions?
Whoops. I went over time, so this’ll have to wait.