1. DEDICATIONS
This story is dedicated to my nephew’s Tre and Lamari Thomas. You two may be too
young to understand any of this manuscript but it will be here for you to read in a few
years. I hope this story shows you who I am as an individual and not just as your aunt. I
will do my best to make sure that your future will be nothing like my present. You two
are my inspirations and whenever it feels like the world has shut you out I will be there to
show you a way out.
Here’s a brief appreciation to my three dearest friends Shalimar Diaz, Luis Aponte, and
Kayla Lindsey. You three were by my side through this entire experience by choice and I
can’t love you for it more than I do now. Shal and Kayla, you women are the perfect
examples of women empowerment. Luis you were there to uplift my spirit each time I
felt like caving in and I’ve learned so much from you babe. I also thank Jesse Bland for
being a beautiful lover/friend, wonderful supporter, and whomever you choose to love
next will be blessed to have such an empathic partner like you. I am pleased with the
opportunity I was given to love you to all extents.
The trigger to me writing this book was first, God so I thank him. Then comes the endless
support from my mother. My mum is God’s way of showing me that he loves me. She is
the definition of sacrifice. I’ve never met any woman who would set aside her happiness
for the sake of her children. I will never know what it feels like to be the protector and the
provider of not just one, but also a family of four until I have children of my own. She is
my nurse, teacher, closest friend, and my soul mate. I thank you ma for being my shelter
when I felt stranded and I love you with every beat in my heart.
Lastly, I want to also give thanks to my pastor Vernon Gordon, author of In The
Beginning. The Life Church was my church home for two months. Those were the best
two months I’ve ever experience being in a church. The environment was joyous,
peaceful, and uplifting. My heart is forever with the Life Church. Your book was a nudge
for me to get closer to my creator and because of your inspiration I will strive to be the
best culture influencer of my generation.

2. THE BAND
Connecting the body, mind, and soul
Lexus Williams
Briana Debrew had chosen the question Kayla and I had helped her with, which was
what do you think is more important, education or experience? Through the process of
helping her prepare for this interview question I thought about which of the two were
more important to me.
You know that feeling you get when you think you’ve got life all figured out?
When you think you’re ready to be on your own, to put people, habits, and problems
behind you? To those who answered yes, I testify to say I know exactly how you feel. I
thought I had it all figured out when I deiced to apply to VCU. Truthfully I had no idea
what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that if I got in, I was going to be in a
different state, with new friends, a new school, and hopefully a new life.
Sometimes life gives us exactly what we ask for just to show us that it’s not what
we wanted after all. When I received my acceptance letter I thought I was the absolute
shit. I thought to myself this school’s basketball team is D1 so my chances of being on
TV were heightened. An entire semester had gone by, still no luck with that. VCU is also
ranked as the fourth best public arts school in the U.S. Had I known more about the
different forms of art I would have been wiser in my decision-making.
I was determined to be the greatest scholar I could possibly be and of course you
knew it was coming, to eventually become a professional actress. I had dreams every
night the week before I moved that VCU was going to give me all that I’ve been craving
for. I was craving rapid success and immediate exposure; this should sound familiar. I
was hoping for a new, emotionally balanced, and a better me. To be clear, my heart and
my mind weren’t exactly in agreement with each other on this one. My heart told my
mind that although it wasn’t fond is its way of thinking that it was going to let it learn on
its own, and that’s exactly what it did.
CLOSURE
A month before I had to leave I went out for lunch and coffee with my mentor
Lisa Jackson. I met Lisa at the first college I attended. Lisa is like a second parent to me,
she had taken me under her wing and fostered me like a daughter. The only thing that

3. weighed heavily on my mind besides the cost of out of state tuition, was seeking
appropriate closure from my ex boyfriend. Him and I had broken up a few months back
with many things left unsaid and unaddressed. Often, we play mind games with ourselves
in regard to break ups. I don’t want to sound like I’m fussing, but many of us don’t know
when to let go and sometimes how. We tell ourselves that closure is needed so that one
can move on. Your mind and your heart will always make you choose. Our minds will
trick us into seeking closure when our hearts aren’t prepared for it. I’ve known this man
since I was seven years old and have loved him ever since. How could your heart let go
of something so distinctive that easily?
I began dating a guy named Jesse soon after my previous break up. We deserved
each other and found no reason why we shouldn’t be together. I’ve known Jess for a little
over two years now. He is such an empathic individual and has been there for me like no
other. Jesse and I had grown comfortable being together. I told myself I should seek
closure so that I would be able to love him whole-heartedly. No one deserves to be strung
along because of my emptiness, especially not Jess. Lisa evoked truth in me I had never
experienced before. She asked me why I wanted to seek closure so bad and I told her it
was so that I wouldn’t have anything holding me back once I moved. Apparently that
answer wasn’t good enough for a wise soul like hers. I’m not even sure if that was the
real reason why.
Closure is a step closer to saying goodbye and letting go, which wasn’t exactly
my idea of it. My heart ached and my throat tightened as I realized Lisa was right. She
told me to think about whether or not I would be satisfied with what would happen after I
had gotten closure. She also said, “sometimes leaving an open wound to heal on its own
is closure too.” Closure is preparing oneself to terminate what was and to move on from
it. To be clear there is no time frame to closure. If your heart isn’t ready to accept the
trauma of loss then listen to your heart tell you when it’s ready to let go.
GROWTH
After two months of being at VCU I felt like a new woman. I was feeling
responsible, happy, and busy. I was working out more, eating healthier than before, and
experiencing the life of an artist. I was so caught up in my new life I didn’t once think to
make a snap chat or to post on Instagram. When was the last time you’ve embraced a

4. moment to the point where you forgot social media exist? Not only did I forget about the
media, keeping busy also kept Boston off of my mind. Friends and loved ones back home
were becoming faces in the crowds of my memories.
My heart was full of love and positive energy, so I thought. One day after the gym
I was feeling brave and ready so I decided to write my ex a letter. Yes, this was my letter
of “closure”. I’ve only been in love once and if anything, it has taught me that being
vulnerable is empowering. Vulnerability is the key to connecting and connecting is the
key to trust. I trusted my ex because he allowed me to see his true beauty, which was his
aptitude to be completely vulnerable and open to my love. I had no intentions on going
back to my old life and at this point letting go was something I was sure I wanted. You
know, being in a new relationship and all.
Dear prior lover, I told myself many times not to write this letter, but I know it has
to be done. Let me start of by saying this is not a letter of hatred or resentment. This is an
apology letter. I finally made that move to Virginia like I planned. I’m in a happy place
here. The last time we spoke I told you that you would never have to worry about hearing
from me again. Now that I’m learning how it feels to be human, that statement was
immature of me. There were a lot of things left unsaid In the midst of our outbreak. I
don’t think anything hurts more than meeting the right person at the wrong time. We both
had so much going on at the time and not enough room to grow, we were so young. We
both made an unhealthy choice to lose ourselves in one another being unwitting of how
precarious it was. You my friend were a learning experience and I apologize on my
behalf for expecting too much from you. Things have changed for the better of course, but
I haven’t I’m still the same guru, goofy, and emotional girl I was when I left home. I did
however grow, in ways I’ve never imagined. I thank you for helping me find my worth. If
I never moved away, how would I have been able to figure out who I was without you?
You have the potential to be something bigger than you, we all do. It’s all in a matter of
knowing your worth. I hope you’re happy and staying out of trouble. The thought of
growing up isn’t as scary as the actual process and I’m a witness.
Take care dear
LOSS

5. I didn’t think moving away would result in people forgetting about me. Well, I
was hoping they wouldn’t. I have four best friends, my mum, sisters, and my childhood
friend Lexus Roach. Lexus and I have been through many good and bad times together.
Before you judge, we have NEVER had a falling out over a guy. When I say bad times I
mean things the both of us had to go through beyond our control. Imagine a best friend
who doesn’t judge you or blame you for your flaws. We accept each other’s faults, flaws,
and fears as individuals and can embrace our inner weirdest when we’re together. Having
a friend like her is pretty awesome and God knows I’m grateful. I know in today’s age
some people believe friends don’t have to communicate often to keep a healthy
friendship. I am not a believer of that only because without communication nothing is
ever said. If someone can go days, weeks, months, or years without talking to you how
are you supposed to make sense of the relationship? Lexus and I kept communication
lines open and frequent in the beginning of August. By the time classes started the text
messages stopped, so did the phone calls, then I began to panic.
It’s a scary thing to feel like you’re losing your best friend. She is someone I did
practically everything with and I trust her with some of my deepest darkest secrets. She
knows so much about me as I do about her. It’s similar to losing a diary you’ve grown to
love because the paper would never come alive and judge you. Sometimes I am stubborn
and have a tendency to let my pride drive my actions. I figured she’d be better off without
me since she hasn’t called or reached out for this long. I told myself she had forgotten
about me and had replaced me so I decided to try and shut her out. For the love of social
media I blocked her number, unfollowed her on Instagram and snap chat just for a few
weeks. I never realized how powerful pride was until then.
I was upset at how my best friend had forgotten about me and didn’t seem to care
that I was alive or doing well. I started ignoring Jesse too and things became unbearable.
I would take my anger out on him by neglecting and ignoring him. I would nit pick and
nag at him for the smallest things. Eventually like most of us, he got fed up and became
tired of me mistreating him. Well, at least I’m assuming that’s what happened. He
couldn’t take the emotional trauma I was dealing with so he stopped talking to me.
Whenever I would ask to speak with him so that we could settle our disputes he would
blow me off. I tried my best to convince him that I was truly apologetic, but he was

6. making it hard for me to really tell him what was going on. I didn’t want us to end, but I
was being shut out.
He started drinking and partying more than he had before. Jess never really liked
partying and drinking as much as I did. That’s when I knew our promises of staying
together while being in college were broken. His ways, the way he spoke to me, they
were changing. Not too sure if he was turning into someone else or if us being away from
each other allowed me to see him for who he really was. It ate me up inside to know that
we couldn’t get through these tough times. How could you give up so easily after two
years?
I was expecting Jess to feel sorry for me like he usually does and to always be
there when I needed him no matter what. I was so angry and bitter that I had created a
blind eye to that fact that he was also in college and had a life of his own he had to figure
out. These thoughts made me want to stop trying and give up. I had fell into the mindset
that the world revolved around me. I had forgotten the true reason I had moved away
from home, which was to escape my inner prison. I reached out to Lisa in desperate need
of her advice and she told me to find a church home. I knew there were some things I
needed to chew over before I made any more decisions on my own.
LOST
Before I applied to VCU I was enrolled as a Human Services major at Fisher
College in Boston. I had plans to become a guidance counselor. My resume is flooded
with education jobs. I’ve spent over four years working with youth. I had a vision of
recreating the world with my ability to understand humanity to all extents. I consider
myself a natural healer and enjoy providing service to mankind. I don’t separate bad
people from good people because there is no such thing. We are all good people who
make bad decisions from time to time.
I see past the eyes and actions of the homeless, murderers, thief’s, and the
unmerciful. To love is to recognize oneself in all whom cross his/her path. I know what
it’s like to feel empty, misunderstood, and wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy.
Don’t think because of this I am gifted or better than anyone else. Compassion is not a
gift, it is having the ability to love the universe as you love yourself or for some of you
your precious possessions.

7. There I was in classroom full of theater students who ate, breathed, and slept
theater. It wasn’t clicking for me and I didn’t feel fulfilled with what I was doing. I was
apart of the drama club at Fisher, which I enjoyed every moment of, but for some reason
I felt lost, stuck, and undirected. I didn’t have a job either because I wasn’t eligible for
work-study. All other options outside of on campus jobs were food restaurants, which
aren’t my cup of tea. I was left with no income, no passion, and lack of motivation.
I started to regret moving and began blaming myself for what was happening to
me. My emotions were uncontrollable and somewhat unnecessary. Did I mention that I
have a tendency to overact? November has arrived and I was still stuck in my hopeless
globule. I was tardy to class so many times I became good at it. Practice does make
perfect. VCU has a policy that if one is late or misses class more than the amount of days
he/she has that class within a week it deducts a grade. You can do the calculations on
your own time. I was losing friends, myself, my passion, and failing at everything I did.
HELPLESS
Billing statements for the fall semester were being posted and I was not pleased
after receiving my bill. While blankly staring at the amount I owed before the spring
semester tears filled my eyes. I had no idea how or where I would get $15,000 in two
weeks. I got denied for every loan I applied for. Not to mention reaching out to my father
in need of his support only to get turned down, per usual. My father has his ways of
bringing out the bitterness in me, but we all know misery likes company. If only tears
could create money I’d have a balance of zero in my account. I had already planned on
moving back home and facing my problems direct. This was just another loss added on to
the rest of them I had taken within the four months of being in school. Think twice the
next time you say or hear someone else say that a lot can happen in a year. This all
occurred in five months.
Never convince yourself that you’re too strong of a person to seek guidance. It
doesn’t feel good having to deal with stress on your own. Although most of us don’t take
the advice we give which I am guilty of; giving advice is a great way to self reflect. You
are what you eat as you are a reflection of the advice you give. You also attract what you
portray, but I’m here to fuss at you. At a time like this I was in need of guidance, support,
and reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

8. The first person I called was my aunt Ebony. She is my father’s sister and had
moved from Boston to Virginia when I was 13 years old. Ebony has taken good care of
me since I was a child up until now. I enjoyed her better than I did my father growing up.
I’ll get more into details on why later so be patient. My aunt is a successful woman who
happens to be out of the country every time we talk. I admire her nurturing nature and her
independence. She is one of out my few role models.
This may be a surprise to you, but she was thrown off when I told her I was
moving to Richmond to “become an actress.” Not that becoming an actress is a pipe
dream it’s just something that takes years to accomplish. The first thing she asked was,
“Are you sure?” She knew something that I didn’t and I was curious to find out so I asked
her over the phone and her response was, “Out of all places you choose Richmond. You
didn’t even bother to look at any other major art schools in the city and you never once
spoke of theater until now.” She also ended the conversation with telling me that I had
the potential to be an attorney. I’ll tell you one thing, you cannot and should not try to
fool those who know you best. She was right, just like Lisa was right. I had no idea what
I was doing in Richmond.
BACKWARDS
I had just gotten off the phone with my sister’s father Richard Davis. “Sometimes
Rabbit we have to take one step backwards in order to take two more forward.” Rabbit is
my nickname, laugh it up. I cried continuously because I couldn’t be more thankful for
the most caring and uplifting support system. Richard has seen me grow from a toddler
into a woman. You know that father who isn’t your biological father, but would do
anything for you as if you were his child? That is exactly who Richard is and my father is
a blessed man to have someone do his job for him, but I’m not here to patronize him for
his mistakes.
Since a child I would always hear my mother say, “I would never go backwards.”
The more you hear something the more you start to believe it. I instilled it in myself that
whatever it was that I did in life that I would never go backwards. Think of it as parallel
parking, when you don’t have enough room to pull directly out of a parking spot you
have to put the car in reverse in order to drive out of the space. Speaking with Richard
made me feel better about my choice to move back home. I felt like I didn’t belong in

9. Richmond, then the true reason I escaped from home clenched and held onto my heart
making it hard to breath in veracity.
ISSUES
As cliché as this may sound, we all have issues, and some of us more than others.
Has running from your issues ever helped resolve them? Do not let the actions of others
run you away from where you want to be. I ran away from my problems and they
followed me. Issues are similar to the law enforcement; running from them only makes
things worse. Bet that one flew right over your head, don’t think too hard about it. We’ve
all heard the saying fake until you make it, but sometimes it really works until faking it
no longer leads to making it.
I lied to everyone who knew I was moving. I did not want to be an actress, nor a
theater major. I did not want to attend VCU nor move to Richmond. I told everyone that I
had a strong passion for theater and that I one day wanted to be on the big screen. These
were all big fat lies to cover up the real reason I got away. What hurt the most was that
my mother couldn’t see past the lies I was telling. Of course she was just being a mother
and trying her best to support whatever choice I made and I don’t blame her for doing so.
I moved to Richmond because I had issues. I was emotionally damaged, my
spirits were low, and I needed immediate change. I had to escape the harsh reality of my
situation. Everything that I’ve been talking about revolves around family. My family isn’t
perfect and as a matter of fact we are far from it. I am the backbone of my family. I am
who holds it together, which I don’t mind doing because I am a giver, but when you are a
giver you tend to always put others before you. I never had the heart to put me first
because my family needed me and they still do. I couldn’t let them see me weak and
destroyed. I had to cleanse and regenerate my mind, body, and soul. The only way to do
that was to get away as fast and as far as I could.
The Monday after church I went down to the financial aid office to see if there
were any final decisions I could make in regard to my bill. An older woman with
beautiful natural grey hair was sitting at the counter. When she called me to her desk just
by looking into her eyes I felt vulnerable. She had a mother’s instinct and it was obvious
she knew something was bothering me. I told her my situation and she listened with ease,
grace, and patience. She didn’t really seem to care about the length of the line either. I’m

10. not used to being an open book, but when I do choose to share my issues with others I
find that they become easier to deal with. She told me that the last option for me would
be to fill out a parent plus loan and as much as I didn’t want to, I did it for the sake of
faith. This woman was an angel sent to me. She said, “The only solution to being happy
is to put you first.”
The first step to putting yourself first is to learn that you can help everyone else
with his/her problems. However, you must train yourself to disconnect emotion and not
make them your problems. Ask yourself are you helping, fixing, or serving. If you are
fixing then you are doing more damage than good, let that marinate. Second, don’t make
family an excuse to not say no. Ever hear someone say, “I can’t say no to her because
that’s my sister?” Yes, you can say no to a family member because you have a life to live
and so does everyone else around you, including family. Excuses are like assholes
everybody has one, if you got the joke kudos.
We’re all given choices and if a person decides to make an unhealthy choice
being aware of the consequences, that is no one else’s fault but theirs. Stop beating
yourself up for the selfish decisions the people you care about choose to make. It is not
your fault if someone’s life takes a turn for the worse. After you’ve tried having done all
that you could to help that person eventually the direction of their destiny is beyond your
control. By that point STOP. Know when it’s time to stop saying yes and to start saying
no and have faith that God will see them through.
Concluding this chapter, the woman at the front desk was a mother and a
grandmother. I went to go visit her one-day after class because she had told me she
wanted to see me again before I left Richmond. In between our conversation she checked
to see whether or not the loan had fell through. Turned out I was eligible for the loan and
before I could fix my mouth to thank her she grabbed my hand with her warm motherly
hands and said, “God has a plan for you and if you continue to go against what he has
called you to do then you will continue to run into hardships beyond your control. Go
home, find your passion, and follow your heart.” After leaving the office I had submitted
the forms for my housing cancelation, called my mother and cried uncontrollably.
LOVE

11. This is what it boils down to. Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Love is ENDLESS and each person I had met, spoke to, or was guided by during these
five months taught me how to love harder and deeper than I ever have. Even though a
wheel fell off of my skate I was still able to use the other foot to guide me around the
rink. Lexus had finally reached out to me and the reason she hadn’t contacted me was
because she was working through her own issues. In the back of my mind I was curious
on why she never called so that we could talk, but then it dawned on me that she had
convinced herself she could handle it on her own. I forgave her and I’m not sure if things
will be the same when I move back home, but I love her and she’ll always have a friend
in me.
I made a selfless decision to brake up with Jesse in November. Until this day I’m
still not sure if it was the right thing to do. We’re still good friends though, there may be
hope in the near future. Often, when two people can stay friends after a breakup their
foundation was a strong one prior to their relationship. Meaning the two of you were
friends before lovers. I’ve grown out of my selfishness. I felt like I was holding Jesse
back from enjoying his college career, which was holding me back from enjoying mine.
We are both in our twenties and the best thing to do before old age hits is to get into as
much trouble as possible, literally. I wanted him to learn, grow, and to experience life
before the real responsibilities arrive. He’s a great guy, I do pray and wish the best for
him.
Love and compassion are the solutions to inner and outer peace and will always
win. Praying and meditating are your friends so use them to your advantage. I finally
realized why I was in Richmond. God used Richmond as a chapel to rebuild me for
what’s to come in the near future. He knew that I was weak and that I wasn’t going to be
able to provide my best service in the condition I was in. Distance makes the heart grow
fonder. It also makes you realize how much you don’t need the people you thought
mattered the most.
Distance has helped me find myself. I was seeking answers not realizing that they
were right here in my writing. The best books are heartfelt, relatable, and genuine. I used
this book to share with you my journey, losses, gains, and my wisdom. I’ve ended as
many friendships and relationships that I’ve gained. Keep your heart open always, and

12. use your pain as a stepping-stone and as a way to heal the distraught. I found that being
hateful requires more energy than loving.
Life itself isn’t painful; it’s the losses of our lives that tear us apart. The loss of
loved ones, good friends, and most importantly the loss of our selves. Which brings me to
the reason VCU was an amazing and unforgettable experience. I saved the best for last,
my roommate Kayla Leland. This woman had a potty mouth like no other I’ve met
excluding me, but she had a heart of pure gold to balance it all out. Kayla has the ability
to make anyone she spoke to smile or laugh with her crazy jokes. She loves to shake her
ass and I love to wine mine but we both love to eat so we shared many things in common.
She has a smile that could make you wonder why she would ever cry. The day I met her I
knew there was something deep within the both of us that would determine the
foundation of our friendship.
God had brought Kayla and I together for a reason and I’m still trying to figure
out whether it was for me to change her life or for her to change mine. She is the
definition of positivity and I couldn’t grasp how in the world this girl was always so
happy. Of course, she had her days and moments where she would break down, but it
would only be for a moment then she would bounce right back. The day she left to go
back home we held each other tight and cried like babies. Crying never felt so good, I
was sad to see her go but my happiness from meeting her outweighed the pain. I’ve only
known her for a semester’s worth of adventures and it felt like I was losing a best friend.
We were each other’s support and I am truly thankful and grateful to have met such a
beautiful soul like hers.
Within the five months I spent at VCU I attained more wisdom from what I had
experience than I did sitting in a classroom. After reading my story I hope you understand
that I don’t regret anything I’ve done for I have learned from it all. Situations change,
circumstances adjust, priorities shift, and what once was important decays into space
while other problems unfold to be dealt with. So, what’s more important to you education
or experience?

13. SYNOPSIS
It takes a selfless person to be a writer. Writers are magical thinkers and possess the
imagination of a toddler. I decided to write a short story because it is the only way for me
to share my experiences with the entire world all at once. Often, we do a good job at
belittling our neighbors and a bad job at empowering them. Read the previous sentence
again. We learn most of our vital lessons from our experiences. I’ve learned that people
with issues are placed in our lives so that we can learn from their mistakes. It’s like
walking behind someone who trips on a rock, which will prepare you to avoiding the rock
and prevent you from tripping. Even if my words don’t move you, I am encouraging my
readers to see life through my eyes. Life is a beautiful mess you shouldn’t take for
granted, after all we won’t be here forever. Fear is just an illusion so travel, get lost, and
wander to the unknown. Connect with those around you by separating the ego from the
soul. Learn to listen more than you speak. If you’re lost find your passion. Figure out
what breaks your heart. Find something you’re good at and get better at it. Question
everything you’re taught and do not eat everything you’re fed. Contain the information
you want to use and dish out the rest of it. Don’t allow the rest of the world to skew your
vision of the universe. Life really is what you make it. You are the only powerful tool
you have so watch your self-talk. The real revolution is the evolution. Stay positive, be
kind to everyone, and even though half of the world cannot see past color be the one who
does. Don’t just be in the world, but be apart of it, and most importantly READ READ
READ, but never let school get in the way of your education. 