1. 32 July 2014 livingand loving
A
nyone who has
gone through
a divorce will
agree that it’s
extremely traumatic. Even
more so when you have
children. When there are kids
involved, you often have to set
your own emotions aside and
focus on what’s best for them.
It’s up to you and your
ex-spouse (or soon-to-be ex-
spouse) to devise new child-
centered rules of engagement.
One where both of you can
play a meaningful and loving
role in your children’s lives.
Yes, you weren’t compatible
as marriage partners but that
doesn’t mean you can’t be
good partners when it comes
to raising your children. June
Dugenhage*, mom to Cath*,
agrees. She shares her story:
“When I got divorced, I
was angry, hurt, disappointed.
At first, I wanted to lash out
at my ex-husband; make his
life as difficult as possible.
But I soon realised that my
little girl was experiencing a
far greater sense of loss. She
was losing everything that
she had known up to that
point in her short little life.
When my ex-husband
and I decided to get
divorced, we used a divorce
mediator to make things
easier. Together with the
mediator, who managed to
diffuse a volatile situation,
we devised a family plan.
It was the best decision
we could have made. As it’s
‘Amicable’ and
‘divorce’ aren’t
often used
in the same
sentence. But
when you have
kids, you should
focus on what’s
best for them.
Karien Slabbert
investigates.
divorce
parenting afterthe

2. Growing Baby
livingand loving July 2014 33
When things
fall apart
Divorce is a real issue within
South African society and the
world over. The 2012/2013
Annual Report of the South
African Department of Justice
states that, in 2012/13, there
was a 28% increase in new
divorce matters in South Africa.
It seems that the nuclear
family (where there are two
parents and children) is no
longer the norm. According
to the SA Institute for Race
Relations (SAIRR), only 33%
of children in South Africa live
with both parents. “Just over
39% of children live with their
mothers only. About 4% live
with their fathers only,” states
a recent report by the SAIRR.
The report, titled The First
Steps to Healing the South
African Family, documents the
extent of family breakdown
in South Africa and its effect
on children and the youth.
A new normal
Co-parenting amicably with
your ex-spouse can give
your children the stability they
need, as well as ensure that
they have close relationships
with both parents. But it’s easier
said than done. Both parties
need to make a concerted
effort to set their own emotions,
resentment, pain and anger
aside. Off coarse, this can be
very stressful – especially when
you’re still in the throes of a
divorce, or when you’ve just
signed your divorce papers.
Divorce coach, Ferdi
Appelgryn from Optimum
Coaching, says that when
adults decide to divorce,
their relationship has been
dysfunctional for a while. “This
dysfunction is often caused
by misaligned priorities, poorly
constructed communication
strategies, pent-up resentment
and other similar negative
emotions,” he explains.
This ‘dysfunctional’ history
poses a challenge when trying
to reinvent your relationship. So,
how do you go about creating
a new healthy dynamic?
“The obvious answer
would be to have a mature
attitude and focus on creating
good, open communication.
But the folly of that idea
becomes apparent because
of the context. In cases of
severe emotional upheaval,
it would make sense to start
out communication with an
independent mediator that
could help navigate some
of the ‘difficult’ emotions,”
explains Appelgryn. He
adds that a good mediator
will allow you to take more
direct responsibility for your
relationship until you’re able
communicate independently
with your ex-spouse.
Create a
framework
divorced or busy
getting divorced?
Appelgryn gives
a handy roadmap
to devise a better
relationship:
● Get help to deal
with your own
emotions and to
understand in which
way you contributed
to the divorce.
● Set a clear outcome
of what the new
relationship entails:
� Firstly, what is
your role in your
children’s emotional
health? Remember,
the other parent
is responsible for
their relationship
with their child, and
you are responsible
for yours.
� Treat your ex-
spouse in the way
that you would
like to be treated –
despite how he/she
may be treating you.
● Create a clear
plan around:
� Medical
� Educational
� Physical
� Contact needs.
● Negotiate in the
most open-minded,
understanding way.
Try to focus on
agreement – not
enforcement. Once
there’s agreement,
create a formal,
binding contract, such
a Family Advocate-
approved family
plan, and stick to it.
Rules of
engagement
It’s always better to talk
face-to-face – if you can
be constructive. “If not,
communicate in writing –
preferably on email. Avoid
criticising your ex-spouse and
always bear your outcome
in mind – your children’s
wellbeing and happiness,”
says Applegryn. “It’s often
simpler to create rules of
engagement by employing
the help of a person that has
experience in dealing with
these matters, such as a social
worker, specialist psychologist
or a lawyer,” he adds.
He reiterates that focusing
on core issues like medical
care, education, physical
needs and contact, will
create good foundation for a
child-focused relationship.
Say what?
Dealing with
disagreements
“You have to accept that there
are going to be differences
in opinion in terms joint
custody and the issues that
lie outside the black and
white of a parenting plan. A
‘don’t sweat the small stuff’
attitude is probably the most
useful,” advises Appelgryn.
Top tips:
● All agreements should be
in writing and contractual.
There should be definite
agreement, not just consent.
● Make sure that you
have a solid time-bound
procedure for dispute
resolution in place to
deal with deviations.
● Agree to use the legal
process only as a last resort
– no one benefits from
this except attorneys. ➥
a legally binding document,
we both have to stick to it.
Although I still harbour
a lot of personal pain, I
now see my relationship
with my ex-husband as a
business arrangement. We
are joint partners in raising
our child, and we have to
protect her at all costs.
Sure, we’ve had our share
of scuffles and full-blown fights
along the way, but it seems to
get less-and-less as time goes
by. We also avoid having heated
conversations over the phone.
It’s not constructive. Now,
whenever there’s a problem,
we communicate via email.
In the end, we’ll be in
each other’s lives for the
remainder of our daughter’s life.
And that’s a great privilege.”
*Names changed

3. Making a plan
A family or parenting plan
can help avoid a lot of
stress. Experts agree that
this reduces the likelihood
of misunderstandings and
conflict between the parents.
According to www.
coparenting.co.za, the
Children’s Act offers parenting
plans as a way to regulate
and help parents to agree
how to exercise their parental
responsibilities and rights.
“Section 33(1) of the Children’s
Act provides that co-holders
of parental rights and
responsibilities may agree on
a parenting plan that sets out
the method and mode of how
each parent will exercise his/
her rights over the children.”
Ultimately, parenting plans
must comply with the best
interests of the child. “The
Children’s Act lays down
certain guidelines concerning
parenting plans. For example,
that it must be in writing and
that it must be registered with
a Family Advocate Office or
made an order of court. To
register a parenting plan at the
office of the Family Advocate a
prescribed form must be used,”
according to the website.
Duvenhage says that a
family plan serves as a good
reference. “Often, when I’m
not sure about something, I
just refer to our plan. It also
encourages parents to sort
out disagreements themselves
or follow the mediation route,
before approaching the court.
In a way, this forces one to
rethink your position on things.
At first, I was really scared
that I would have to give in
on certain things; give away
my power in a way. But it’s
actually more about tweaking
your position so that it suits
everybody,” she notes.
A child-focused
relationship
The success of a child-
focused relationship depends
on positive and negative
positioning – not only what
you’ll include, but also what
you won’t discuss, says
Appelgryn. A good point of
departure, he notes, is to
decide that interaction will be
businesslike and to the point.
“Stick to the facts. Remember,
the sole purpose of your
relationship is taking care of
your children. This objective
is superior to any difference
that you and your ex might
have,” says Appelgryn.
It’s important to
acknowledge and respect
the other parent’s point of
Using your child
as a weapon
Abusing your power as a parent
is something that is quite
tempting when you’re bitter.
“Rather ask yourself whether
it’s your right to rob your child
of the right to a relationship
with his/her other parent
based on your interpretation
of the other parent’s
behaviour,” says Appelgryn.
It’s important to know
where to draw the line. “You
have no right to mediate
or control the relationship
between your child and the
other parent. It only creates
poor relationship skills,
insecurity and a shallow
relationship between you and
your child,” he points out.
34 July 2014 livingand loving
view in good faith despite
what your own opinion may
be, advises Appelgryn. He
says that you should see the
other parent as someone
who positively contributes
to your children’s lives. And
remember: your divorce is
not your children’s divorce.
Avoid the following
emotionally charged
subjects:
● Any discussions about
your past relationship
with your ex.
● Conflict triggers –
accusations, past, events,
blame and mud-slinging.
● Any subject that doesn’t
relate directly to your
children’s wellbeing.
‘ Create red
lights for
yourselfon
issues that fall
outside the
child-rearing
parameter.
Steer the
conversation
backto what’s
relevant to the
children as soon
as you realise that
you’re heading
away from what’s
important.
’

4. Resolving
your own
hurt and
anger
“The most common mistake
that people make when
they encounter strong
emotions is to try to avoid
them,” says Appelgryn.
This is often because they
don’t know how they’ll get
out of the emotional pain.
“They ether try to distract
themselves with work,
mood-changing activities
such as alcohol and
recreational drugs, and other
high-risk activities,” he adds.
It’s a lot more painful in
the longer term to run away
Growing Baby
livingand loving July 2014 35
A full text version of
the Children’s Act is
available online. Simply
search for Children’s
Act, 2005 (Act No.
38 of 2005). A
copy of the entire act can
be downloaded from the
Department of Social
Development website.
Stepping out of
the victim trap
“When I got divorced, my train
of thinking was: getting divorced
is horrible. The thought of being
civil to my ex-husband was
horrible. I kept on thinking it was
his fault our child won’t grow up
knowing what it's like to have
a mom and dad who love each
other. I’m sure he also thought
I was horrible for a number of
reasons,” recalls Duvenhage.
Appelgryn says that
most people who go through
the process of divorce see
themselves as the victim in
some way. “It’s important to
allow this ‘process’ to run its
course and to create time for
being the victim,” he points out.
But having this as your proxy
setting is counter-productive.
“Be disciplined. Create a
common pitfalls
to avoid:
● Focusing on
revenge rather than
problem-solving.
● Divorcing or staying
married ‘for the
children’s sake.
Both can harm
your children’s
emotional wellbeing.
● Focusing on your
children’s wellbeing
as a way to distract
you from your own
healing. Your children
will suffer emotionally
if you don’t deal with
your own emotions.
● Letting your
emotions instead
of reason rule.
● Using the children
as a way to
communicate with
your ex-spouse.
● Berating the other
parent in front
of your kids.
● Confusing your
children’s wellbeing
with having the
upper hand.
● Becoming too flexible
on the agreements
made. These
issues become
a problem much
later and are very
difficult to resolve.
8
photographygalloimages–thinkstockphotos
Additionalinformation:www.divorcelaws.co.za
specific time to deal with these
emotions. Also make time
to become active in creating
your new life, as well as your
children’s lives,” he notes.
“I found that it’s better to
take control of the situation and
contain the damage as much
as possible. Yes, our lives have
changed irrevocably, but how
it changes, and will probably
change in the coming years, is
up to me,” Duvenhage adds.
But this doesn’t mean
you should ignore your own
feelings. Dealing with complex
emotions like divorce is never
simple. “It is always a good
idea to spend some time with a
person that could safely guide
you through your emotional
recovery,” says Appelgryn.
Ultimately, it takes time to find
balance and your ‘new normal’.
from the pain than what it is
to embrace it. “The human
body has a very definite
natural way of dealing with
heavy emotions. It will most
often just stop the emotional
pain when it has had enough.
The average person seems
to disengage from a heavy
emotional experience after
about 20 minutes. There's
therefore no reason to fear
that you'll remain stuck
forever,” explains Appelgryn.
He adds that people tend
to get ‘stuck’ when they don’t
process negative emotions.
There’s a lot of research
that suggests that denial
is the start of many nasty
things, he concludes. l&l