Increase your awareness of your own communication habits and communicate more effectively in situations of conflict.

1. Communicating Effectively
With Others

2. Keys to Effective Communication
**Awareness of the “I”, “You”, “Us” “Setting” filter
“I” – Your biases, patterns of communication, “buttons”,
based on life experiences (lessons learned in both
childhood and adulthood).
“You” – What do you need to know about the other
person so they will “tune you in” and not “tune you out”
(their communication style).

3. Keys to Effective Communication
“Us” – The “dance” you do with others (circular
relationship). When you do something, they
respond to you, and then you to them, etc.
“Setting” – What is the appropriate setting (time,
place, “audience”, etc.) to communicate so that
communication can be effective (come to a point of
closure for all participants).

4. “I”
• Think about what you were taught (told you, showed
you, etc.) from your caretakers
(parents, siblings, extended family, etc.) while
growing up about:
• Dealing with conflict
• Competing with others
• Discipline
• Working with others on solving a problem

5. “I”
• Sharing feelings with caretakers
• Expressing anger
• Playing/having fun
• Expressing sadness
• Treating men/women

6. “I”
• Think about your reactions (thoughts, feelings, first
thing you want to say, what you are experiencing in
your body) when you hear certain words such as:
• “alcohol”
• “sorry”
• “regret”
• “help”
• “death”
• “no”

7. “I”
• Think about how a challenging relationship affects
you in the following areas:
• Emotionally
• Physically
• Socially
• Values
• Self-esteem
• Things you can and cannot change

8. “You”
Think about two or three people you
regularly communicate with and what
you have learned about what they like and
do not like when communicated to.
That is, what can you do that either increases or
decreases the chances of them really “hearing” you.

9. “Us”
Think about two to three relationships you have
and identify patterns of behavior between the two
of you. That is, what behavior that you do,
how they usually respond, how you respond
to their response, etc.

10. Setting
Think of times you have communicated with
others and how the setting either supported
coming to closure or did not. What were the
common factors in each of the situations.

11. Bach’s Crazymaker Roles
• Pseudoaccommodator - Refuses to engage; nothing
wrong.
• Mind Reader – Takes over, cuts off, knows what
you’re thinking.
• Gunnysacker – Saves up and dumps at once.
• Trapper – Coaxes out response and then attacks.
• Joker - Trivializes the issue; jokes when
others discuss.

12. Bach’s Crazymaker Roles
• Beltliner – Hits below belt, attacks sensitive areas.
• Benedict Arnold – Uses sabotage, goes behind
back, gets others to take sides.
• Blamer – Rocuses on blaming versus problem
solving.
• Withholder – Holds back something important to
punish.

13. Hints for Managing Conflict
Pat Heim, PhD
• Understand that conflict will always be a part of life.
Rarely comfortable, but if handled well it leads to
growth.
• Understand that there are gender differences – boys
grow up relating to others and dealing with conflict
often via team sports, while girls relate more often to
others one on one. Thus, males may be more
comfortable with conflict but have less of the skills
needed to handle conflict.
• Avoid defensiveness; if you don’t you will create an
attack-defend pattern.

14. Hints for Managing Conflict
Pat Heim, PhD
• Implement Active Listening – Listen to understand how
the other person thinks and feels about the situation.
• Paraphrase to show understanding.
• Legitimize the feelings of others – “If the world looked
to me the way it does to you, then I’d probably feel the
same way”.
• Describe (focus on the issue behaviorally) versus
evaluate (which creates defensiveness and avoids the
real issue).

15. Hints for Managing Conflict
Pat Heim, PhD
• Understand that there are “content (fact out in reality)
and relationship” conflicts. Make sure you are dealing
with the same type of conflict. If both exist, deal with
relationship conflict first.
• Focus on the future, not the past.
• Direct versus Indirect communication. Need to both be
at the same level.
• Understand gender differences in terms of
communicating (i.e., chair study). Women relate more
through talk and men through doing.

16. Hints for Managing Conflict
Pat Heim, PhD
• “Chip Theory” – Main Rule: We always make it even in
the end. In this theory remember – everyone is an
accountant and has a ledger; understand supply and
demand theory (what chips does the other person
value?); have a chip surplus with others (these others
will then be more likely to be there when you need
them); if you have a chip deficit, people will make it
even in the end and often in destructive ways.
If you have a chip surplus, you will be more likely to
avoid conflict and manage conflict better.