In the United States, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce each year.
The sad part is, many of those divorces are preventable with the right intervention. Yet, it’s a fallacy to believe all marriages can be saved.
There is however, a much better chance of saving your marriage if you assess your relationship and understand the root cause of your marriage problems.
If your marriage is in trouble, the worst thing you can do is to over analyze the situation.
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How to Save Your Marriage from Divorce
1. This guide will take you through the components that make up a
healthy and harmonious relationship.
Among them are; a sense of respect for each other, trust for each
other, honesty, providing support during good and bad times and
keeping an open line of communication.
This guide also describes common issues found in unhealthy
relationships and how you can avoid these pitfalls and flourish in
your relationship.
What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship should have the following qualities:
A sense of respect for each other.
Your significant other should be able to give you the same respect
he/she expects from you.
This is respect for your individuality, for your unique personality;
your sense of humor or even the weird way you laugh.
2. A sense of respect for your decisions and accepting your decisions.
Mutual respect in a relationship means that you value each other’s
differences and understand, not try to change your partner’s
personality.
Trust for each other. Trust means knowing that your partner is
faithful to you no matter how many tempting opportunities
surround him/her.
Everybody is entitled to feel jealous. It is, after all, a very normal
emotion. How you react to that emotion is what counts.
Acting on jealousy will only bring you down and is not healthy for
your relationship.
Honesty with each other. This goes hand in hand with trust as trust
is based on how truthful your partner is to you.
How can you trust someone who can’t be honest with you?
Once you’ve caught your partner in a major lie, you’ll have doubts
the next time your partner tells you where they are going or who
they are spending time with.
Supportiveness. Your partner will need your support during good
and bad times.
There are people who seem to appear from nowhere to offer a
helping hand when everything seems happy, but nowhere to be
found during chaotic times.
It’s nice to have someone to share triumph and happy times with. It
always feels good to know that you have someone who believes in
your capabilities and celebrates your achievements with you.
3. Fairness. Relationships should be give and take. Taking turns in
making decisions, be it as simple as choosing a movie to watch or a
place to eat.
This means you’re not keeping count of how many times your
partner has made the decision for the two of you, and you’re not
turning the decision making process into a power struggle about
who should make the decision.
Separate Identities. This means compromising in situations where
there is a difference in interest.
This doesn’t have to end up with one losing his/her identity to give
way to the other person.
Both partners should still be able to maintain time for their own
interests like when they started the relationship.
Open communication. This means being able to express how you
feel openly and honestly to your partner without fear of having your
candidness misinterpreted.
Having the sincerity to speak what’s on your mind, provided you’ve
thought it out thoroughly enough to know; what you say will be
taken in a good, constructive way.
What makes a relationship unhealthy?
A relationship starts becoming unhealthy once it becomes mean,
disrespectful, controlling and hurtful.
A person who has grown up watching physical and emotional abuse
inside their homes could believe this type of behaviour is normal in
a relationship.
Relationships need work. It may have started with an overwhelming
feeling of love for one another, but then again, keeping that love is
a totally different thing altogether.
4. Understanding you and your partner’s differences, accepting them
and working around those differences will make your relationship
easier to handle.
Keeping it healthy, will make you both flourish and grow not just as
individuals, but as a couple as well.
Saving Difficult Relationships through Communication
Relationships add significance to our lives. A relationship can bring
new and challenging experiences.
A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are
interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it
continues to improve.
Admit it or not, relationships with others are important to us as
human beings.
Relationships with parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends,
professors, roommates, and classmates can bring happiness into
our lives.
It’s often through intimate relationships that our romantic,
companionship, and intimacy needs are met.
It’s no wonder then, that we find ourselves preoccupied or
consumed with pursuing, maintaining, ending, and recovering from
the loss of such relationships.
While each of these stages in a relationships can be difficult and
challenging, it’s commonly when relationships end or “don't work
out” that we struggle the most.
Whatever your age and experience, a relationship can bring
demanding challenges.
5. Being able to handle conflict and deal with differences is important
in maintaining healthy relationships.
Everyone who is in a relationship or cares about their relationships
may need assistance at some time to help them deal with problems
or difficulties in a relationship.
All couples experience problems in one form or another; it's part of
sharing your life with another human being.
The difference between a healthy relationship that works, and one
that doesn’t, is how well couples deal with the challenges and
problems they face in their life together.
To start improving your relationship, follow these simple
guidelines.
Don’t expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness.
Too often, relationships fail because one partner is unhappy and
blames the other for making them feel that way.
Make yourself happy first, and then share his or her happiness.
Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a process of ending your anger
or resentment towards another individual.
It can have the power to transcend all offenses, great and small, and
learning to forgive another takes patience, honesty, and respect.
Forgiveness may heal relationships that are suffering as forgiveness
is an act of humility.
Don’t do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation
of reciprocation.
The things you do for your partner must always be done because
you chose to do them and you wanted to do them.
6. Don’t hold your “good deeds” over their head at a later time.
Keeping score in a relationship will never work: a person is less likely
to notice and value all the contributions of their partner as much as
their own.
Be Responsible. Responsible means that you have the ability to
respond.
It doesn’t mean you are to blame. If you've been rude to your
partner, own up to it, and think of ways you could have acted in a
different manner.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, make an effort to learn how
you might create a better relationship for yourself rather than try to
change your partner.
We are attracted to the partner with whom we can learn the most,
and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no
longer serves us.
A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are
interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it
continues to improve.
Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument,
it can be difficult to find something to appreciate.
Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that
way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful
conversation, it will be easier.
One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you
don't have to sugar-coat anything; tell your partner you love him or
her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
7. Fairness. Relationships should be give and take. Taking turns in
making decisions, be it as simple as choosing a movie to watch or a
place to eat.
This means you’re not keeping count of how many times your
partner has made the decision for the two of you, and you’re not
turning the decision making process into a power struggle about
who should make the decision.
Separate Identities. This means compromising in situations where
there is a difference in interest.
This doesn’t have to end up with one losing his/her identity to give
way to the other person.
Both partners should still be able to maintain time for their own
interests like when they started the relationship.
Open communication. This means being able to express how you
feel openly and honestly to your partner without fear of having your
candidness misinterpreted.
Having the sincerity to speak what’s on your mind, provided you’ve
thought it out thoroughly enough to know; what you say will be
taken in a good, constructive way.
What makes a relationship unhealthy?
A relationship starts becoming unhealthy once it becomes mean,
disrespectful, controlling and hurtful.
A person who has grown up watching physical and emotional abuse
inside their homes could believe this type of behaviour is normal in
a relationship.
Relationships need work. It may have started with an overwhelming
feeling of love for one another, but then again, keeping that love is
a totally different thing altogether.
8. Spend a lazy afternoon going through old photos and
reminiscing.
Talk about the activities you used to do when you first started
dating and make a plan to start doing them again.
You might not be able to do them all, but make the effort to do as
many of them as you can, whether it’s taking long walks, going to
concerts, or making out at the movies.
Play hooky!
Plan a day where you can each stay home from work and spend the
whole day together.
Alone and together; doing absolutely nothing! Lay in bed all day,
cuddle, and watch movies. Make sure to turn the ringer off on the
phone.
Make an effort on a daily basis to stay connected to your
spouse.
Something as simple as making it a point to say, “How was your
day, Honey?” every day.
The most important thing to remember is that you are not in your
marriage by yourself.
Share your concerns with your spouse if you’re not feeling quite as
close as you once did.
Let your partner know how you feel, how it makes you feel and that
you want to work on it.
Effective Communication is the Key to a Stable Marriage
Let’s take a look at a typical situation that can lead to marital
problems and how to avoid such issues.
Meredith, 30, has been married to Ralph, 32, for six years.
9. She is a stay-at-home wife and he is a business executive.
Ralph's work has kept him so busy that he really thinks that he has
no time to start a “family.”
His frequent business travels have kept him away from home several
days, and even weeks at a time.
Like a typical workaholic, Ralph has made the same mistake
committed by many career-driven husbands; neglecting his wife.
This situation has even made Meredith think that Ralph is married
to his career and not to her.
Meredith and Ralph had been fighting more than ever. She accuses
him of being cold and indifferent, and he accuses her of being a
nagger.
All their marital woes have caused them enormous stress and
anxiety.
Aside from financial trouble, infidelity, and problems with the in-
laws, many marriages suffer from the simple lack of communication.
Like Meredith and Ralph, many couples fail to resolve their
problems early on.
As a result, couples grow further apart and are left to struggle with
their respective anger and frustration.
Instead of speaking with each other as adults, many couples resort
to withdrawal or the “silent treatment.”
In many cases, couples have already formed the way they
communicate based on how their own parents communicated with
each other.
A person who grew up with parents who constantly fought has the
tendency to be argumentative too.
10. A person who was raised by parents who ignored each other
whenever they had problems may have the tendency to ignore his
partner and his own problems in marriage.
It is said it takes two to tango and it takes two to argue.
But many marriages end up in separation or divorce precisely
because the couples evade quarrels and choose to ignore their
problems.
With mutual “silent treatment,” a couple deny themselves the
opportunity to discuss and hopefully resolve their problem(s).
When they do talk, the couples will often exchange accusations and
even hurl abuse at one another.
Many women complain that men are cold, indifferent, and
insensitive to their needs and to the issues that affect their
relationship.
They say men spend too much time at the office and neglect their
duties as husband and father.
Women feel angry when men go home only to spend time in front
of the TV, or go out for drinks with their friends.
Men, on the other hand, complain that women are boisterous,
jealous, and nag all the time.
So, how can men and women in marriage deal with their marital
problems?
The first step couples should take is to improve the way they
communicate with each other.
1. No name calling and making threats
2. Don't interrupt when your spouse is still speaking
3. Don't dominate the discussion
11. 4. Listen and pay attention to what the other is saying
5. Respect each other and be prepared to make changes
6. Avoid mentioning or bringing up past mistakes
7. Don't assume you know what your spouse is thinking
8. Don't presume you're always “right” in any argument
9. Try to meet half-way or compromise
10. Be honest and acknowledge each other’s feelings
Many couples forget that simple affirmation or small acts of love
and kindness can do wonders for their marriage.
A warm hug or attentively listening to your spouse can bring back a
semblance of peace, love, and respect in your relationship.
Indeed, one of the keys to a lasting marriage is effective
communication.
Given enough time and lots of patience, any couple on the rocks
can revive their marriage.
It takes a lot of listening and kind words to make your marriage a
real match made in heaven.
Marriage is a balancing act
Here is another situation which could be avoided with effective
communication.
Norman and Samantha are celebrating their 9th wedding
anniversary.
The past nine years have been anything but married bliss, even
though they started out madly in love with each other.
Like most couples, they have had their share of conflicts and trials.
12. Understanding you and your partner’s differences, accepting them
and working around those differences will make your relationship
easier to handle.
Keeping it healthy, will make you both flourish and grow not just as
individuals, but as a couple as well.
Saving Difficult Relationships through Communication
Relationships add significance to our lives. A relationship can bring
new and challenging experiences.
A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are
interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it
continues to improve.
Admit it or not, relationships with others are important to us as
human beings.
Relationships with parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends,
professors, roommates, and classmates can bring happiness into
our lives.
It’s often through intimate relationships that our romantic,
companionship, and intimacy needs are met.
It’s no wonder then, that we find ourselves preoccupied or
consumed with pursuing, maintaining, ending, and recovering from
the loss of such relationships.
While each of these stages in a relationships can be difficult and
challenging, it’s commonly when relationships end or “don't work
out” that we struggle the most.
Whatever your age and experience, a relationship can bring
demanding challenges.
13. This usually involves shouting matches in the heat of an argument.
The Non-Confrontational - You simply do nothing, ignore your
misunderstandings, and prefer to be silent about an issue in your
marriage.
Types of Conflict Resolution
Couples should try to learn and practice conflict resolution
techniques.
Marriage cannot survive if problems are not discussed and resolved.
It’s important for couples to know how to approach a conflict.
These approaches are as follows:
The Avoidance Type – This type avoids all hot issues and actually
makes the problem worse.
Couples who avoid conflict; usually value each other's privacy and
tend to live in a placid manner without any passion.
The Validating Type – This involves affirming one another's
feelings, considering all points of view, and coming to an amicable
settlement.
Couples who maintain this type of communication see each other as
friends and value the collaborative nature of their relationship.
The Volatile Type - When couples don't listen to each other's point
of view but try to convince each other that he or she is right.
This type of “communication” will eventually lead to separation or
divorce.
When couples see each other as equals and respect each other's
individuality and independence, they are able to have constructive
discussions without resorting to name calling.
