1. Issue 2
February 2016

2. Hello and welcome to the second edition of the Adoptables
online magazine, a space for adopted young people to raise
and address topics that are important to us.
In this issue, we would like to thank all of the young people and
Adoptables Ambassadors who contributed to the design, content,
and layout. We would also like to thank you for reading it!
The Adoptables Programme is funded by The Queen’s Trust
and has been up and running since October 2014. It aims to have
the voices of adopted young people heard on different aspects of
adoption and, by doing so, influence future policy. The programme
is designed in partnership with adopted young people, and we hold
workshops for them across the country. We also take part in events,
such as Big Adoption Day, on the next page!
We hope you enjoy this issue of the Adoptables magazine.
If you have any feedback or suggestions, please do email
Erina at erina.naluwaga@coram.org.uk
Happy reading!
Adoptables Ambassadors,
Adoptables Editorial Team
On the 16th March the majority of Independent Adoption Agencies
across England will be opening their doors to host a Big Adoption Day.
It will create a bigger and louder voice to raise awareness of the needs
of the 3,000 children in care waiting to find families while reinforcing the
excellent service and support the independent adoption sector provide.
Each agency’s Big Adoption Day event will take the form of their regular
adoption information evening, but they will also be unveiling a new animation
aimed at prospective adopters called “What Adopted Young People Want
Prospective Adopters To Know…”
The Adoptables have been involved in providing some of the creative
input for the new animation and will also be invited to “rubber stamp”
the final edit of the animation before it goes live.
Please share details of the Big Adoption Day event with anyone
you know who is thinking about adoption.
Thank you!

3. I had an invisible bully. No one knew my bully was
there for a long time. That’s because the bully
existed inside my head. I used to bully myself.
When you are growing up it’s natural to go through
periods of time where you don’t feel very confident,
for example when you transition from primary school
to secondary school. During this time I changed from
feeling very grown up and important, to slightly small
and insignificant. This is normal during a big change in
life. However, the problem arose when these feelings
grew and I started to speak to myself in a horrible way.
I’d belittle myself and get cross with myself.
I’d never have let someone else speak to me in
that way, and I’d never have spoken to someone
else like that either, and yet I said these things to
myself. I put myself down and told myself that I
was worthless. I listened to these feelings, and the
more I did, the more they impacted my everyday life.
Listening to these feelings was very dangerous ;
they changed my behaviour. I started thinking that
I was useless and began hurting myself physically.
Self-harm is addictive, and I kept needing to do it
more and more. It escalated until it got completely
out of control. I certainly spent several nights sitting
on a cold bench in hospital hiding inside a hoody,
being called in for medical treatment.
During this time I also became withdrawn and
I stopped socialising with my friends and family.
I wanted to become invisible and not exist. In bullying
myself I gave other people permission to do so too.
I believed I was worthless and acted accordingly, and
other people picked up on this. While some people
simply ignored me, others saw me as a target, and
bullied me. For example, I went to boarding school,
and my friends in my dorm all got sticks and chased
me around the boarding house chanting abusive
things to make me run away. I escaped, and ran
half way down the school’s long drive in the pouring
rain, dressed in a sports shirt before an older student
spotted me and took me back inside.

4. The huge problem with self-bullying
is that you can’t get away from it.
It’s 24 hours a day, seven days a
week, it encourages others to bully
you, and it’s hard for adults to detect.
I found it difficult to ask for help
because I listened to the bullying
thoughts and believed that I was
worthless and beyond help.
Thankfully, someone noticed I
was unhappy. I went to therapy
and learnt how to challenge those
thoughts and beliefs.
If the feelings are so strong and
you can’t manage that, sit down
somewhere comfortable and be
mindful of your surroundings ; feel
the soft cushion under you, the fleecy
blanket, find a part of your body that
is warm, cold, comfortable, relaxed.
It may seem silly, but it will relax you.
It will mean that you ride the storm
out like a little fishing boat, and
make it to calmer water intact.
Because I noticed my bully, and because of all
the help that I received, and the work I’ve put in,
I’m now happy. I have achieved so much more
than I ever thought imaginable, and am trying
to use my past experiences to help others.
If you have similar self-bullying thoughts,
challenge them and ask for help if you need it.
Keep fighting it, keep going, and dream big;
create the future you deserve!
My counselling has stopped, and sometimes the bullying thoughts
come back. It is then that I have a choice: do I give in to the bully
and believe the thoughts, or do I challenge them?
While it may seem easier to submit to the bully, the best thing to
do is to fight it. It’s important to challenge the voice; even if what
it [the voice] says is very emotional and strong, ask yourself is
it true? Can what it says be backed up by concrete truth? The
answer is almost undoubtedly, no! Having acknowledged that,
it’s important to keep yourself safe and busy ; do something
you enjoy, like read a book, watch a film, or see a good friend.

5. When we are at Primary School, we tend to be a lot more open with
information. School staff usually already know that we are adopted through
our parents, without us saying anything directly to them.
At an even younger age, we may sometimes give out too much information
about our personal story.When we reach secondary school, our peers still
may not really understand what adoption means, or the impact
their words on the subject may have on us.
This can leave us with mixed emotions about sharing things with people
and can begin to build up a trust wall. It could even lead to bullying.
The transition from primary to secondary gives us a chance at a fresh start,
and this time we may want to be more selective in who knows what.
Our support network can help us decide who we should tell and who we
shouldn’t. When the time is right, they can also help us decide what to say.
We need to make sure we have thought about why we want to share
this information with others - adoption is our personal story and
not everyone needs to know everything.
...and perhaps find more than one way of saying it - this way we won’t
be caught off guard and we will know how to approach
the conversation every time it comes around.
Some common ones are:
A. Does that mean your parents didn’t want you?
B. What is it like being adopted?
C. Do you speak to your birth parents?
D. And here’s a funny one… How long are you adopted for?
Just step back, think and remember when we are comfortable we can
simply say ‘I don’t want to answer that question’. Those that care about
you will understand and respect that.
Remember, we slowly build up trust with new people. Trust takes time, and there
is no need to rush it. Go at your own pace, you will feel more confident
and comfortable with someone you trust.

6. The Adoptables have been working with Coram Life
Education on a school toolkit that will soon be launched in
schools. Its job is to ‘improve the experience of school for
adopted children and young people’.
To do this we need to:
• Increase awareness of the issues that adopted children
and young people may face
• Increase awareness of the curriculum areas that may
be sensitive
• Express the fact that, in most ways, adopted children
and young people are just like non-adopted children
and young people
• Work with all school staff and pupils at Primary and
Secondary levels
We began by gathering the thoughts and experiences of
some of the Adoptables at workshops and residentials
around the country. My first meeting was with a group of
Adoptables in Kent. This was their first meeting and as
they started to get to know each other, it soon became
apparent how similar some of their experiences were
and how important it was to share their experiences
and suggestions within the teaching profession.
As a teacher myself, I was dismayed to hear some of the
negative experiences but heartened too by the stories of
supportive and understanding staff.
The experience of working with that group of impressive
young people in Kent had a profound effect on me and my
teaching practice. They spoke so eloquently and maturely
about some difficult experiences - if only we could capture
that and share it with teachers, perhaps they too would be
moved to reflect on and change their practice?
For the Key Stage (KS) 3 resources, we decided to use ‘vox
pops’ or ‘talking heads’ films - the films where someone
is asked a question and they respond, unscripted. We
gathered a group of six Adoptables, gave them a list of
questions about their experiences of being adopted and their
experiences at school, and we filmed their responses. The
professionalism, the maturity and the reflectiveness of the
young people was truly impressive. They spoke openly and
honestly about their experiences in a way that, we hope, will
produce some truly engaging films.
For the KS2 resources, we worked with a group of Adoptables
and they wrote the outlines to two films that drew on their
experiences at school. They were determined that stories
would be honest, real, balanced and ‘not too serious!’
The film resources will be supported by lesson plans and
teaching resources. At KS3, the films will also be able to
be shown as part of an assembly, delivered by one of the
Adoptables Ambassadors. In addition, we’ll provide schools
with an information pack and signpost to further training.
The piloting of the resource is taking place during the Spring
Term with the official launch in April.
Justina Horne
(Teacher and Training Manager at Coram Life Education)

7. First of all, always remember that you
can be whatever you want to be and
that your parents have really wanted
you and love you even though you may
feel very different from other members
in your family. Through this experience
I have really enjoyed being different
and really love individuality which I
now realise as an ‘old’ person, is a real
benefit. Don’t try to fit in, if you don’t feel
comfortable then find where you are
comfortable and have confidence in that.
Don’t waste your time driving yourself
mad about your past, remember it is the
present that is important – that’s why it’s
called the ‘present’.
I grew up knowing nothing about
my parents; my family history or
any medical information and in a
way it allowed me to get on with my
childhood without constantly thinking
about the fact that I am a ‘adopted’.
These days, everything you hear or
see in the media seems to be about
adoption and because of this, there
is perhaps more understanding,
especially when it comes to the
importance of knowing where you
have come from.
Dear Amanda,
Do you know how many famous
people have been adopted?!
Nelson Mandela, John Lennon,
Bill Clinton, Kristin Chenoweth, Jesse
Jackson, Nicole Richie, Faith Hill, Steve
Jobs, Jamie Foxx (his mother was also
adopted) – these are just a few!
I want you to know that there will be
plenty of time later on to meet up with
your birth family, if you should still want
to, and hopefully by then you will be
more confident in who you are and
understand the reasons why you were
adopted. This may be a hard decision,
but don’t feel guilty, you’ll have great
back up from friends and family.
Remember that all families go through
problems, arguments etc., and in that
you are no different, so don’t allow any
labelling from others or yourself to be
the reason why you don’t go for what
you want. At the same time do not be
too hard on yourself, none of this is
your fault. So many children around
the world are now displaced, living
with strangers or come from separated
families, whereas you have a security
and stability that others don’t.
You are loved and wanted - the rest
will come.
An adopted adult, now 56 and currently working
in fostering, writes to her younger self.
Keyshia Cole

8. Although all the names have been changed for
confidentiality purposes and none of the images are
of the young people onthe Programme, the stories
and experiences are very real and are written by
Ambassadors.
This online magazine will come out every quarter
(every 3 months). If you would like more information on
how to get involved, you have a story to tell, or you are
a subject you would like to be addressed, please get in
touch with Erina at erina.naluwaga@coram.org.uk