Slideshows about nonviolence and nonviolent resolution of conflicts, economic alternatives, ecology, social change, spirituality : www.irnc.org , Slideshows in english Managing interpersonal conflicts Ingredients of a conflict; relationship and relation frame; emotions; stapes in the evolution of a conflict; diagnosing the object of the conflict; solving a conflct whitout makink anay loosers; managing emotional crisis

1. Managing
interpersonal conflicts
Étienne Godinot
Translation : Claudia McKenny Engström
04.02.2015

2. Managing interpersonal conflicts
Contents
• Ingredients to make a conflict : recipe for “candied conflicts”
• Relationships and relational frame
• The three facets of an individual in a relation
• Emotions: definition, classification, aptitudes and emotional intelligence
• The stages of development of a conflict
• Diagnosing the object of a conflict
• Resolving a conflict without making losers
• Managing emotional crisis, face the other’s aggressiveness

3. Ingredients to make a conflict :
recipe for “candied conflicts” *
For 2
Ingredients:
- chose the first seasonal conflicts you find : lateness, disorder,
noise, lost object
- 2 spoonfuls of hot or cold anger, or plaintive sadness, according
to your taste
- 50 g of impulsiveness
- 100 g of accusation, devaluation, judgement, a few big pieces
of crunchy arguments
- 3 nuts of old problems
- 1 sachet of generalisation chips
- 20 g of old resentment
- 1 coffee spoon of guilty sugar
- 1 soup spoon of victim liquor ../..
* Source : IECCC

4. Recipe for “candied conflicts”
- Use as recipient of your choice whatever person is at hand,
preferably someone close: a partner, parent, child, colleague.
- cut up the conflicts in small pieces, for you to enjoy the
longer
- add the impulsiveness and accusations You are… or
devaluations You are not…, passives, Don’t you…?s, and mix
them with several big pieces of arguments (the bigger the
better), forcing the other to lose him or herself in justifications
- depending on your mood, add a couple of spoonfuls of cold
anger (look in the fridge, there are always spare ones) or
plaintive sadness (preferably of the brand I am the only one…)
- add the nuts of old problems, crushed
../..

5. Recipe for “candied conflicts”
- to raise the dough, gently add the chips of generalisations
“always, never, every time, with you it’s always…”: the best
dosage is “With you, it’s always the same! It’s impossible to
count on you/to trust on you!”
- mix together until the dough is sticky and inform, and
cannot be held
- decorated with old resentment covered with guilty sugar
You don’t trust me! Or filled with No one loves me! victim
liquor
- leave to simmer on low fire until it sticks : the stickier the
longer it will last; the stickier the better
- enjoy in small doses with those around you.
Serve hot or cold !

6. Relationships and relational frame
In any conflict, two aspects must be
analysed :
• The relations between people and/or
groups
• The frame : institutional frame, laws,
rules, contracts, organisation and
functioning of a structure.

7. The 3 facets of an individual in a relation
1) Each one of us is a person with a story, an identity,
needs, feelings, aspirations…
Ex.: I am a women, police officer and mother; I am
sometimes depressed by my family issues and do
a job in which I am confronted with all woes of the
world
2) Each one of us is a person in a status, a social
role, a “costume”
Ex.: I am a police officer, representing public
authority, in charge of a mission for social peace
3) Each one of us is responsible as citizen, conscious
of the consequences of our acts
Ex.: Police officer, I respect my superiors authority,
but must also know when to disobey sinful orders,
such as the arrest of Jews during the raid of the
"Vel’ d’Hiv”, 16-17 July 1942 (photo below)

8. Emotions
An emotion (from the Latin moto : movement) is a
psychological and physical reaction to a given
situation. It is first an internal manifestation, which
then generates an external reaction whereby our
body adapts. It is provoked by the confrontation
to a situation and by the interpretation we make
of reality.
Emotions are an important factor in the
relationships we establish with others, even if we
are not always aware of them.
They are both an indicator and stimulator. They are useful when
they help me make a choice and implement them later on.
Emotions (what I feel) must be differentiated from judgements
(what I think).

9. Emotions
- They have a regulatory effect on our body. Their role is to
help our organism stay alive
- They are dependent on innate, instinctive cerebral
dispositions, born during evolution
- They can be triggered automatically, without any conscious
deliberation
- They manifest themselves in the human body
- They precede feelings, which are different in the sense that
they count on memory and thought.
A person in an emotional state might misunderstand, can be
sensitive to a certain reasoning. On the other hand, non-verbal
language has a better chance of reaching him or her : smiles,
gestures, looks, etc.

10. Classification of emotions
by Antonio Damasio
Emotion Signal,
indication
My body Mobilisation,
stimulation
Risk, trap
Fear Danger,
threat
Step back Vigilance,
protecting
Paralysis, escape,
violence, submission
Anger Injustice,
vexation
Step forward Combativeness,
acting
Oral or physical violence v
Sadness Loss, death Head bow,
withdrawal
Take care of
oneself, mourning
Depression, illness,
suicide, oversight of other
Joy Harmony,
satisfaction
Head up,
openness
Shining, sharing,
advancing
Euphoria preventing
receptivity
Amazement
Mishap,
unexpected
Stop Understanding,
reacting
Slow reaction, paralysis
Disgust Bad Push back,
move away
Protecting oneself,
distance, caution
Rejection of the other,
reduced to an aspect

11. Emotional fitness
- Identifying and naming my own emotions, accepting them
without letting myself be driven by them, identifying and
naming the emotions of others
- Master my emotions, evaluate their intensity, delay the
satisfaction of my desire, postpone my impulses, learning
how to dispel my tensions, develop the aptitude to hold an
inner dialogue, anticipate the consequences of my reactions
- Express my emotions, knowing when and how to say no,
taking into account my needs, knowing myself and the
realistic expectations I can have towards myself, respect
behavioural norms
- Empathy, capacity to decipher social signs, show interest
towards other’s opinions, have realistic goals.

12. Emotional intelligence
- Interpersonal intelligence :
nourish sound relationships, keep up friendships, know how
to help others, animate a group, solve conflicts, be a
mediator
- Intrapersonal intelligence :
be in agreement, in harmony with myself, have few internal
conflicts, lead my life taking into account my needs and
aspirations.

13. The stages in the evolution of a conflict
1. Early signs of a conflict : usual or occasional attitudes of a
person towards another: questions, reactions, contestations, etc.
2. Conscious disagreement, but silenced : reserve, allusions,
dubitative attitudes, irony, absence, narrow-mindedness, etc.
3. Confrontation : expression of feelings or opinions,
information, arguments (in a relative serenity or under tension…)
4. The open conflict : innuendos, underlying hostility become
visible. Each one stays camped on his/her positions.
5. Explosion : emotions manifest themselves in aggressiveness
or violence.

14. Diagnosing the object of the conflict
An unsatisfied need or aspiration ?
Needs of the person :
- Psychology (food, rest, space, etc.)
- Security (resources, future, housing, civil peace, etc.)
- Belonging (social integration, ties, solidarity, etc.)
- Esteem: of others (being recognised, appreciated), self-
esteem
- Surpassing (development, growth, accomplishment)
- Sense and transcendence (meaning and direction of one’s
life)
Needs of a group : cohesion, animation, structure,
schedules, rules, information, finances, coordination, decision,
conviviality, efficiency, long term vision, etc.

15. Diagnosing the object of the conflict
A disagreement ? On what ?
- on factual reality : each one has his/her own version on a
common problematic topic
- on the interpretation of facts : each one gives his/her
interpretation, revealing different decodings
- on the goals, the set objectives
- on methods, proceedings, strategies and each ones action
plans
- on values : the way in which authority is exercised,
management style, care for others/third parties, principal of
precaution, etc.

16. Solving a conflict without making any losers
1. Create a favourable context (ex.: not in urgency)
2. Situate the problem, define each person’s needs
3. List the possible solutions together
4. Evaluate the advantages and inconvenients
presented by these solutions for each person and for
the group
5. Choose a mutual solution acceptable for now
6. Implement the chosen decision
7. Evaluate the results, adapt or amend the decision

17. The advantages of a conflict resolution without losers
• Absence of resentment
• Motivation of each person to achieve the objectives set
together, saving time for the future
• Best quality decision, most durable decision
• Increasing respect and mutual trust
• Transformation of context of animosity into one of
cooperation
• Playing down the importance of conflicts, developing a real
relationship where conflict can be positively lived
• Developing a common creativity

18. Managing emotional crisis.
Face the other’s aggressiveness
1. Frame the situation :
what is my status ? Stakeholder, responsible, third party ? What is
the legal frame ? What is my corridor of action and
interpretation ?
2. Diagnose and take into account my partner’s state (of
mind) :
- Recognise his/her emotions through his/her words, body
language, gestures, breathing, intonation. Is it fear, anger,
surprise ?
- Decode his/her aggressiveness. Is it sane, does it come from a
dissatisfaction, is it pathological, linked to a dysfunction ?
- Be aware of the imitation or contagion of emotions

19. Managing emotional crisis.
Face the other’s aggressiveness
3. Hear and tame my own emotions
- Identify my emotion, name it, accept it, evaluate its
intensity
- Distance myself from my emotion : put it aside so it
doesn’t invade me. Implement a dialogue between my
bowel and my head. For ex.: I’m scared ! Of what ? Is this
fear justified ?
- Postpone my impulses, for instance, by waiting a while
before I express my anger, putting it aside and dealing with
it later

20. Managing emotional crisis.
Face the other’s aggressiveness
3. Hear and tame my own emotions
- Act on my body, breath in deeply and slowly, choose a
position, my “confidence position”, my voice, my eyes. Ex.:
cross my hands, sit up straight in my chair, stand up to listen to
an unpleasant telephone call, etc.
- Act on my mind : my convictions, my mission, my objectives,
the way I see the other. Position myself in the group or my
status. Ex.: “In this job, I am paid to be thrown things at and
never to throw anything back…”
- Diagnose the danger and urgency, by identifying the
resources of each person involved and to be found in the
environment.

21. Managing emotional crisis.
Face the other’s aggressiveness
4. Dispelling the tension
- Give the other a sign of recognition, offer him/her a space
for expression, giving him/her the opportunity to express
his/her feelings. Ex.: “You don’t seem well !”
- Mention a common point, a common value, beyond the
disagreement : “Me too, I get angry when I’m upset !”
- Remind each other of the frame, rules of the institution or
place, its conventions
- Introduce a rupture, change of register, tone. Ex.: humour
(not irony)

22. Managing emotional crisis.
Face the other’s aggressiveness
• 5. Introducing a third party, which will stand in between
both and create space and distance :
- everything that allows to create space and/or to take the
time : a file to get, a light to turn on, a window to open or
close, etc.
- a third person I “call for help”, who can take over or be a
mere witness ( a colleague, hierarchal superior, other client
or users, etc.)
Sometimes, in case of great crisis or danger, police or fire-brigades must be
called upon for help. In case of misfortunate encounter, a strategy can be
prepared together in a team, including codes: telephone tone, stepping in of a
secretary carrying a beverage, a colleague seeking information.
- Suggest something to do to those who are in an emotional
state. Ex.: have a coffee, go for a walk and come back in 5
minutes, etc.

23. Managing emotional crisis.
Face the other’s aggressiveness
­ 6. Reserving for myself and the other an honourable exit
Each one must be able to step out of the game with an intact
image of him/herself. Ex.: a cigarette, pretext used by the
rebel to challenge authority, etc.
If dialogue is possible and indispensable immediately after the
crisis, it should not focus on the behaviour of the other but on
the topic on which developed the conflict.
Otherwise, arrange an appointment, in a perspective of
negotiation, for a “cold” resolution of the problem, “as soon as
the conditions for dialogue are restored”.
Reassure each one that he/she will be listened to and that the
solution will be just.

24. Managing emotional crisis
Dealing with the other’s aggressiveness
7. Going back to the legal frame, to the rule
- repairing the prejudice caused to the victim (insult, assault,
etc.) or the institution (material damage, perturbation of a
service, etc.) and bring the rule transgressor to civilise and
build.
For ex.: sanction, (educative and turned towards the future),
warn, repair, lodge a complaint, etc.
- install a long term framework: institutionalise – or if
necessary, rewrite – the rules that help avoid or solve this type
of conflict, write a contract with the other.
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