script developed for Olive media,

1. Difficult Conversations
by
Colette Davis
Colette Davis 2012

2. 1
Presenter-Module 1
Intro:
In the workplace communication skills are a vital part of a
company’s success rates. If employees are unhappy then the
business will suffer.
Remember,a company cannot create a conducive atmosphere if their
employee’s cannot understand each other.
By improving communication between employees and among all
relationships it’s possible then to improve overall performance
in the workplace and your bottom line.
There are five keys to creating effective communication within
the workplace and within relationships.First learning how to
listen effectively is imperative.
Second coworkers, employees, and others need to learn how to
disagree without arguing and how to offer constructive criticism
without embarrassing or offending another person. Yet another key
component is learning how to negotiate within the workplace and
in some cases among clients. As with any behavioral skills that
affect relationships with people inside or outside the company
its important to work with clients based on effective
communication skills.
In this module you will learn the five skills necessary to use in
a difficult conversation and how the application of it and these
skills will apply to many scenarios both in and out of the
workplace.
Module 2:
What is a Difficult Conversation?
Defined: it is any conversation that a person is anxious about.
Difficult conversations differ in how the individuals react or
interact with each but they all follow some basic concepts.
First understand that painful feelings are at play whether
overtly or subverted. These can include feelings of hatred,
anger, frustration and more.
These detrimental ideas also put our feelings as an individual at
stake. This means that self worth, and confidence will and can be
damaged. Also, within these interactions we see ourselves through

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the eyes of others like out self worth, and composure are at
stake.
“I have embarrassed myself” is a common thought for many people
in these situations.
People have many fears including those about future interactions
within the conversation, and how the conversation may effect
another’s career? The policy and role within it may in fact be
complex.
So how do you get your point across in a conversation like this?
Presenter:
Understanding Employee’s behavioral and interpersonal
communication skills is important to any business.
First it’s important to evaluate how knowledgeable they are in
this area. You may be great at communicating in the beginning.
But this can quickly deteriorate without effective communication.
It’s important to asses the level of your communcation
knowledge.
For instance, you can take an online interpersonal communication
course that assess your skills in order to see how well you match
up.
Other ways to assess your interpersonal development is to visit
this online quiz site http://www.optimalthinking.com/quiz-
communication-skills.php
Also another step in developing interpersonal skills is simply by
taking this course as you are doing now. Cdi communications
offers skills business training as well, and there are
Universities that offer other modules.
Module 3:
There are currently three identifiable conversation shifts that
occur within the bounds of a conversation.
First is known as: The Basic Shift which is a way in which we
need to pinpoint our minds in order to have a positive
interaction with a fellow employee, supervisor or client. This is

4. 3
a shift in your behavior completely and something that needs to
be learned.
The most common mode of misunderstandings occurs when people are
not competently understanding the data that is thrown their way.
This often results in a battle of messages which can bring a once
positive and lucrative conversation away from any positive ideas.
The person will not agree and then other will not agree. The
interaction then becomes one of “I am right.”
The prospect of resolution recedes further as frustration is
consistently building within the conversation. This then
convinces the other persons place of interest and understanding.
How can we solve thiese misunderstandings?
A simply mode of interaction called the Learning Conversation.
This is a productive means of communicating. At this point people
begin to realize that the other person has a perspective that we
cannot understand. Since as human beings we cannot read each
others mind it is important then and therefore to create an
engaging dialog from a point of understanding rather than a
domination.
This type conversation is important to have with most colleagues
and clients. What’s great it that it will not sacrifice your
point of view and it means that you are as important as they are.
It comes from a background based on mutual respect, and a give
and take philosophy.
When you are giving bad news to another there will be no room for
negotiation which means that they too can be curious about
understanding the other’s perspective. The ability to have a
learning conversation develops as we create an integrated mindset
and follow the conversation models presented here.
There is a helpful way to unhesitant what is going on in a
difficult conversation.
First examine what happened, then understand the feelings that
are and third identity. These are all processes within the
conversation.
Module 4
How does a conversation disintegrate?

5. 4
We all know that to converse is a basic human need, and
conversation is part of the inherent differences we as human
beings have with each other.
We each see the world differently.
Why?
Each of us notices things based on the world around us. Therefore
each of us is different based on where we come from and where we
are.
For instance, a child born to parents in America in a rural town
will certainly find different things entertaining than a child
raised in Sydney.
Each person knows themselves better than anyone else and thus we
know the internal experience of it all will affect all
conversations. It is intentional and unintentional.
Each of us views the other differently
First, we are influenced by our unique situations and
perspectives. For example, a women whose family is strict and
rarely discusses emotions or feelings would loose its ground if
she suddenly discuss her feelings with them. This would force her
family into a crisis situation.
Now let’s look at another family in direct contrast that
discusses it’s feelings with each other and offers intimacy as a
guideline, to act in a strict and guarded way would then create
chaos in some form within this family.
These examples are then easily applied to the workplace.
Each of us lives differently with different rules. For instance
some of us may think that being on the computer for two hours is
acceptable and to another it may be too long.
Module 5
How to handle feelings
Too often emotional feelings are deemed confusing. In fact
sharing feelings clearly requires a lot of thoughtfulness.
First in order to find your feelings find your emotional map. Ask
yourselves what emotions are you comfortable with.

6. 5
1. Understand that your feelings are normal and based upon where
you come from.
2. Understand that great people can have negative feelings as
well and these will also affect the conversation.
3. Understand that your feelings are as important as everyone
else and you are important.
4. Now it’s time to explore those feelings.
5. Find the feelings that lurk under the accusations.
Anoretic way to handle your conversations with understanding your
feelings is to negotiate them. To understand what they are is the
first step to this and remember above all NEVER VENT.
Instead of venting or letting your emotions get the better of you
it’s important to understand an alternate route that will better
prepare you for a conversation.
First, make sure that you can place your feelings into the
problem, if they are real then you can address them easily within
the bounds of the issue that you are having. They do not have to
be rational- but they can be relevant.
Understand the spectrum of your feelings and evaluate them before
voicing them. Remember not only to evaluate but share and
express your feelings without blaming or judging another.
Do not monopolize the conversation and remember both parties can
have strong feelings at the same time.
Always use key words-including the words “I feel” in all
conversations.
Remember the imprints of acknowledging the other person’s
feelings and thoughts within the bounds of a conversation are
important.
You must first convey these by stating or affirming that you
understand the line of thinking using key words that show your
depth of understanding. These include words like “from what you
said I gather…” and “Yes, I understand.”
Always acknowledge your client, coworker or colleague.

7. 6
Also try to avoid the words “you are right what can I say?” It’s
impersonal, cynical and bordering on cynical.
Module 5:
How to respond to a difficult conversation
Example:
Sean and Carly work together in the office at a business. Carly
approaches sean and asks him if he has a few minutes to talk
about somthing. She follows him to a private area and begins to
talk to him. He is becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the
conversation because she is griping about others and making light
of serious office issues. She is upsetting Sean and it’s very
unethical to him. She even admits that he has not been talking to
him because she knew he might feel this way. She still wants to
work things out because she values the relaxed work environment.
There are some assumptions we can garner from this.
1. The colleagues feel hurt. They believe perhaps that the other
meant to hurt and therefore it can breed resentment in the
conversation.
2. Feeling angry can lead to assumptions that can also breed
resentment.
Solutions:
If Carly begins to garner that Sean is upset in the conversation
then perhaps she can then begin to understand his feelings with a
proactive and positive response.
To begin she may say things like: “I want to make sure that I
really understand you here. It’s pretty clear you are experiences
my behavior as attacked could you tell me why?”
“Can you explain that?”
“I see that you have avoided me. Would you mind telling me why
and how you are feelings?”
“I would like to share my perspective on this situation how would
be for me to respond?”

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It’s a calculated and positive conversation based on a mutual
agreement of complacency and understanding between any office
dynamic.
Module 6:
Examples of Message Discombobulation:
First Indication of Conversation breakdown
1.I know all that I need to know to understand what happened.
The goal of the conversation here is to persuade the other they
are right.
2. I know what they intend to do here.
Goal: Letting the other person know that they are wrong. “I’m
right” thought processes are extremely caustic to any
conversation.
3.It’s all their fault
Examples continued with the Learning mode of Conversation which
is extremely helpful in dealing with difficulties.
4.Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions
to the table.
Explore each other’s stories about how we understand the
situation and why.
5. I know what I intended and the impact their actions had on me.
I don’t and cannot know whats in their head.
Share the impact and find out what they were thinking in order
to be able to find out what impact I’m having on them.
Module 7:
Exercise:
Ask yourselves these questions:

9. 8
How do I treat people when a conversation leads to assumptions
that are set out under a battle of messages.
How do I react when I am treated this ay?
What would my behavior be if I were able to shift to a more
learned mindframe?
How might my results change?
Module 8:
Feelings are always a part of any conversation. If they are not
expressed whether with a client or with a coworker; then they
have a way of exploding into a conversation.
It can be hard to listen when you have not expressed your
feelings. But expression of feelings can also be a trap.
There is a difference between expressing them and venting.
First-find your feelings. This may take some time for you to find
your emotional map or dredge through the various feelings.
Understand these points first:
Your feelings are natural reactions
Recognize that people have these feelings and learn that you are
important as well. Also always try to have your feelings placed
behind a simple term or label.
Module 9
Moving difficult conversations to a positive outcome
A conversation can become difficult very quickly, but as we have
discussed there are several ways to alleviate this and keeping an
open line of communication.
Remember, always be prepared and identify the problem. Make sure
that in many cases you should clarify it before you continue on.

10. 9
This will entail you simply listen to the client’s, coworker or
friends needs. They may need a sounding board, and you should
then reaffirm what they have said to you.
Make sure to use words like: “I see that you…” or “From my
perspective…” or perhaps redirect the conversation with several
other keywords.
Never tell them a simple statement like “I understand.” It leads
to a stalemate in the conversation. Or the other participant may
think you are cutting them short.
Remember to establish your intention as well in the conversation
and define where you want to end up as a result.
What is it that this situation may affect? Always be prepared and
know that you will feel some discomfort in the conversations.
For very difficult situations it is important look for others to
help guide you in the conversations that you are moving through.
However, know that the breakdown of communication will in fact
happen in many cases without giving you ample time for
preparation.
Module 10
If the client is becoming belligerent..
Then you can address this. There is no reason to accept abuse
form any one and if it questions your honor as a human being that
it may be a conversation that you should walk away from. It’s
important to give both parties time to cool down in that
instance.
Also demonstrate your concern for what you imagine it’s like to
be in his or her shoes. Try to understand your consumer, client
or coworkers feelings. Understanding by asking for clarity is not
an agreement necessary but it is a key to understating the
perceptions that may be misguided within the conversation.
Use curiosity to help you manage your anxiety and foster an open
form of dialogue with your clients or coworkers. Always ask open
ended questions.
Examples of open ended questions are: How does that make you
feel? What has this been like for you?”

11. 10
So to go back through the entire process make sure that you fist
1.Identify how the situation has affected you on an emotional
level and inquire about how the other is feeling.
1.Demonstrate your concern for what you imagine it’s like to be
in his or her shoes. Always try to acknowledge and understand his
or her position.
2.Make sure that you clarify the situation so that both parties
are on the same page.
Module 11
The Harvard Business Review has defined several mistakes that
enter into a conversation.
First we try to oversimplify the problem. If it were that simple
we would not be arguing about it. To avoid this, make sure to use
open ended questions.
Reaffirm the other persons’ concerns just to clarify and to let
them now verbally that you are following them.
Second, most people do not bring respect to the conversation. If
you cannot respect yourself then you cannot respect your clients
or coworkers.
To avoid a combat mentality respect the person you are talking to
and yourself. Make sure that you respond in the conversation in a
wall that you can be proud of.
Third in all conversations it seems that we either lash out or
shut down. When this happens all productivity is shut down
completely. Remember to quell this with reaffirmations-all
conversations will not be smoothed out that easily but with
composure and practice you will be able to focus on the outcome.
The fourth mistake is reacting to another persons conversation
negatively. People may say something that lashes out and is meant
to bring your conversation level down.
When this occurs be sure to keep your self respect in the
conversation. By engaging in a negative way you are in essence
deconstructing your own conversation.
If the counterpart has stopped responding, which is another form
of manipulation in many cases it’s important to end your
contributions by saying “I don’t know how to interpret your
silence.”

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All of these are huge mistakes. However if you take the right
road you will be able to maintain a conversation even in the most
difficult of situations.
Module 12
Difficult conversations are an essential fact of all
communication in life. Communication is based on mutual respect,
and positive enhancements.
These difficult conversations when handled early can prevent
issues from reaching more formal stages which would include
loosing the clients, loosing a respectful workplace, loosing a
job and more. The losses really add up when we cannot learn how
to create a positive atmosphere within a conversation.
Learning how to handle these conversations is the key to
developing essential skills within the workplace making it a more
productive place for all involved.
Difficult conversations are a large challenge because all of the
action that is focused on a single activity which is when the
perspective become shifted.
The anger, frustration, fear, excitement and more is
deconstructed down to those few moments where we have to bite the
bullet to create the pivotal moment which could lead to more
stress or on the other hand alleviate it all.
Module 13
Inquiring to learn is different from inquiring with cross
examination type questions-which do not allow for any completion
or validation within the exchange.
Cross examining your co-worker is not a solution instead it
creates a large information block. These questions emerge from a
position of trying to start from the idea of trying to persuade a
person instead of learning.
Use the ideas constructively and pull out the statements. Rather
than asserting them as true, share them as open questions and ask
for the other person’s reaction.
Rather than assuming that in an argument they have ignored your
assertions simply enhance the conversation by simply listening.

13. 12
Module 14
Ask open ended questions: “Were you trying to ..?” or “How does
this make you feel?” It’s ideal to get a response form them here.
Ask for clarity or concrete information. This meats “Can you give
me an example? Or What would that look like?”
Always ask at least three questions about the conversations. For
instance ask them to say a little more about how they see things.
Ask them to include information that they might have that you do
not. Also other questions include:”
Can you say a little more about why you think this is my fault?
Were you reacting to something that I did?
How are you feeling about all of this?
Make it okay that they do not have to answer. People will become
defensive in a disrespectful and misguided conversation.
If they do not feel like they have to answer then they can react
by shutting down, counterattacking and accusing you having
negative intentions.
Paraphrase the conversation. This will make sure that they will
understand you are indeed following this and are involved in
their issues.
Check that you have understood the conversation. It’s hard to
understand the conversation.
Always acknowledge the feelings of the other participant, whether
it is a client, coworker or more.
Answer the questions that have yet to be answered, validate their
feelings and show them respect as a person.
When you acknowledged the other persons needs you have not
neglected their feelings nor have you asserted that they are
either right or wrong. You simply have created the conducive
atmosphere that is needed for a positive conversation to become
whole
The most important form of understanding is from another person.
Empathy is not only a conversation that comes within personal

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knowledge; in fact it is also part of the whole plethora of
issues associated with positive outcomes in many forms.
An empathetic listener will be taken on journey with a
destination that leads to successful outcomes both within the
business and in the personal relationships that you develop at
all times.
Conversations will easily turn to distrust if we cannot create a
mutual mood of understanding. Even the most detrimental
conversations in all aspects of business and relationships can
benefit form conversations that reaffirm the other’s feelings,
clarify the needs and acknowledge each other.
The backgrounds that people come from can be a deterrent to
productivity, once we are able to acknowledge that we can in fact
create a positive environment based on mutual respect that begins
with self respect we can create a positive atmosphere with
clients, colleagues, professionals in other fields, personal
relationships and more.
In some cases it may be important to set an internal time limit,
so that when the same sequence has been created over and over it
may be time to attempt another tactic in order to create a
positive conversation that will help you create an atmosphere
that works.