1. HEALING THE HURTS IN
OUR MARRIAGES

2. • ONE OF THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE IS THE
SPOUSES’ ABILITY TO HEAL THEIR HURTS AS SOON AS THEY
OCCUR. BUT WHY DO WE HURT EACH OTHER AS HUSBAND
AND WIFE? WHY DO TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMITTED
TO LOVE EACH OTHER FOR LIFETIME SOMETIMES FORGET
EACH OTHER, IGNORE THE OTHER OR TURN ON EACH
OTHER?

3. • THE ANSWER IS THAT MARRIAGE IS
MADE UP OF TWO IMPERFECT
PEOPLE WHO ARE SOMETIMES
THOUGHTLESS, INSENSITIVE,
UNKIND OR DOWNRIGHT SELFISH.
AND TWO IMPERFECT PEOPLE
SHARING THE SAME SPACE ARE
BOUND TO GET INTO SOME
DISAGREEMETS.

4. • WE ALL GET INTO THESE MARITAL SQUABLES NOW AND
THEN NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE MAY WISH TO AVOID
THEM; AND HOW SAD WE FEEL WHEN THEY HAPPEN. SO IT
IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERY SPOUSE TO KNOW THAT EVERY
MARRIAGE HAS ITS SHARE OF RELATIONAL
MISUNDERSTANDINGS, MISTAKES, CLASHES AND HARD
TIME.

5. • SOME OF THE SOURCES OF OUR
HURTS ARE VERY ACUTE. SOME CAN
BE MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS,
BETRAYAL, OR EVEN VIOLENCE. IT
DOES NOT MATTER HOW DEEPLY
YOU LOVE EACH OTHER; WHEN
CONFLICT COMES, IT CAN BADLY
HURT YOU. BUT WHAT DO YOU
WHEN IT COMES?

6. • MANY COUPLES DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY
ARE HURTING. THEY DO NOTHING AND SO THEY SLOWLY
DRIFT APART FROM EACH OTHER. THE NUMBER ONE
SOURCE OF BAD MARRIAGES IS HABITUAL AVOIDANCE OF
CONFLICT. DEFINITELY IF ONE SPOUSE OR BOTH OF THEM
TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE IS NO TROUBLE, OR JUST KEEP
QUIET AS IF IT IS NOT THERE, WHILE INSIDE OF THEM IS
HURTING, THE GAP WILL CONTINUE WIDENING.

7. • AND SO RATHER THAN TRYING TO HEAL OUR HURTS, AND
MOVE ON WITH LIFE, WE ALLOW OUR PROBLEMS TO PILE
UP, MISTAKENLY OR SECRETLY WISHING THAT TIME WILL
BRING A HEALING TO OUR WOUNDS. BUT IT DOES NOT.
INSTEAD, STORED AND UNRESOLVED CONFLICTS AND
UNHEALED HURTS HARDEN OUR HEARTS AND DRIVE A
WEDGE BETWEEN US AS THE HUSBANDS AND THE WIVES.

8. • IF YOU DO NOT INTENTIONALLY PLAN TO HEAL YOUR HURTS,
BUT KEEP ON BURRYING THEM INTO YOUR HEARTS, YOU
WILL FEEL STUCK AND UNHAPPY, LIVING IN THE SAME
HOUSE, AND MAY BE GOING TO THE SAME CHURCH,
BEARING THE SAME NAME[ MR AND MRS…]. WHAT A
TERRIBLE LIFE THAT IS! THE MARRIAGE DREAM THAT YOU
ONCE SHARED WILL DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.

9. •THE PATH OF
FORGIVING
LOVE.

10. •HOW DO WE HEAL OUR
HURTS? WHAT DO WE DO?
WHERE DO WE START TO
SOLVE OUR HURTS WHEN
THEY COME? THREE THINGS
ARE NEEDED FOR YOUR
HEALING.

11. • 1. YOU KNEED TO COME TO GRIPS WITH THE REALITY THAT YOU
AND YOUR SPOUSE CAUSE EACH THER PAIN FROM TIME TO TIME.
IT MAY NOT BE INTENTIONAL AND YOU MAY NOT EVEN BE AWARE
OF IT WHEN IT HAPPENS. BUT IT HAPPENS IN THE DAY TO DAY
COURSE OF YOUR LIFE TOGETHER THROUGH WHAT YOU SAY OR
FAIL TO SAY, AND THROUGH WHAT WE DO OR FAIL TO DO. ADMIT
THAT BOTH OF YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO
TANGLE AND IT WILL TAKE THE SAME TO UNTANGLE.

12. • 2. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THE INVITABLE
CONFLICTS AND PAIN OCCUR IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
CONFLICTS MUST BE RESOLVED. OFFENSES MUST BE
CONFESSED AND FORGIVEN. HURTS MUST BE HEALED. THE
BIBLICAL WAY OF SOLVING ANY PROBLEM IS FACING IT. TO
CAIN HE SAID, ‘SIN IS CROUCHING AT THE DOOR, AND ITS
DESIRE IS FOR YOU, BUT YOU MUST OVERCOME IT” GEN 4:7.

13. • 3. YOU NEED TO PUT GOD’S PLAN INTO PRACTICE WHEN CONFLICT AND HURT
HAPPEN IN YOUR MARRIAGE. PRAYER ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH. YOU MUST PUT
INTO PRACTICE WHAT YOU KNOW TO BE THE WAY OUT. JESUS SAID, “NOW
THAT YOU KNOW THESE THINGS, YOU WILL BE BLESSED IF YOU DO THEM.”
JOHN 13:17. THE PRODIGAL SON WAS IN MESS. HE BY CHOICE LANDED
HIMSELF THERE. HOW DID HE COME OUT OF THE TROUBLE? HE CAME TO HIS
SENSES. HE MADE UP HIS MIND. HE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING AND FOR
SURE HE DID. LUKE 15:17. FOR YOU TO COME OUT OF YOUR HURTS IN YOUR
MARRIAGE, YOU MUST DECIDE TO COME OUT OF IT AND DO IT.

14. •HINRANCES TO
HEALING HURTS IN
YOUR MARRIAGE
RELATIONSHIP

15. •AS YOU ALL KNOW THERE ARE
THINGS IF ENTERTAINED BY A
WIFE, HUSBAND OR BOTH,
WILL NOT BRING ANY
HEALING TO THE HURTS THE
SPOUSES EXPERIENCE. SOME
OF THESE ARE:

16. • 1. PRIDE. PRIDE MAY BE THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE AND HARMFUL
IMPENDMENT TO HEALING OF HURTS IN A MARRIAGE. NO WONDER
THE BIBLE SAYS, “PRIDE GOES BEFORE DESTRUCTION AND
HAUGHTINESS BEFORE A FALL” PROVERBS 16:18. THIS TYPE OF PRIDE
REFUSES TO ADMIT FAULTS, PLACING BLAMES FOR PROBLEMS AND ON
CONFLICTS ON OTHERS. IT IS A TYPE OF PRIDE THAT CAUSES EITHER
THE HUSBAND, THE WIFE OR BOTH TO STAND FIRM ON HIS/HER
OPINION AND REFUSES TO MAKE THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS HEALING.

17. • THE OPPOSITE OF PRIDE IS HUMILITY. AND THE FIRST STEP TO
HUMILITY IS FOR ONE TO REALIZE THAT HE/SHE IS PROUD.
NOTHING ELSE THAT CAN BE DONE TOWARDS HEALING A HURT
APART FROM EVERY MARRIED MAN OR WOMAN TO RECOGNIZE
THE LEVEL OF PRIDE IN HIS/HER HEART. HUMILITY IS A GIFT THAT
WE RARELY ASK FOR BECAUSE IT USUALLY COMES IN THE FORM OF
DIFFICULT LESSONS. TAKE CARE OF YOUR PRIDE IN YOUR HEART
AND THE FIRST STEP OF PEACE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE
IS GOT.

18. • 2.GUILT. A SPOUSE MAY COMMIT A TERRIBLE, FOOLISH ACT THAT
AFFECTS NOT ONLY THE OTHER PARTNER BUT ALSO THE WHOLE
FAMILY. E.G PUTTING FAMILY MONEY INTO A GHOST COMPANY
AND THE WHOLE FORTUNE IS GONE. THE WIFE, HUSBAND OR
CHILDREN MAY SUFFER FINANCIALLY BECAUSE OF THAT. WHEN THE
OTHER SPOUSE WISHES TO HELP THE OTHER TO GET OUT OF IT,
THE GUILTY ONE CONTINUES TO CRY, WEEP AND DO OTHER NON
PROFITABLE ACTS. GUILT HAS OVERCOME HIM/HER. WHAT IS THE
WAY FORWARD?

19. • UNRESOLVED GUILT CAN INHIBIT THE RESTOARATION OF A BROKEN
RELATIONSHIP. WHEN YOU FEEL GUILTY YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF A
POINTED QUESTION, HAVE I VIOLATED THE LAW OF GOD OR HUMANITY THAT
WOULD LEAD ME TO FEEL WHAT IAM FEELING? IF YOU ANSWER POSITIVELY
THEN YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH TO HEALING. CONFRONT YOUR GUILT.
ACCEPT WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG THOUGH YOU INTENDED TO DO RIGHT.
DO NOT JUSTFY YOURSELF. . DO NOT SAY, “ I DID IT BUT….” SIMPLY CONFESS
YOUR SIN, ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND THE OFFENDED PARTY. IF THEY ARE
ALSO HUMBLE THEY WILL FORGIVE YOU YOUR OFFENSE AND LIFE WILL
CONTINUE.

20. • THE ONLY SURE AND GENUINE WAY, [DIFFICULT AS IT MAY SEEM]
OF HEALING YOUR HURT IS CONFESSING YOUR SIN. DO NOT LIVE
IN GUILT. THE BIBLE SAYS, “FOR THE SORROW THAT IS ACCORDING
TO THE WILL OF GOD PRODUCES A REPENTANCE WITHOUT
REGRET, LEADING TO SALVATION; BUT THE SORROW OF THE
WORLD PRODUCES DEATH.” 2CORN 7:10. IF YOU CONFESS YOUR
SIN, YOUR GUILT WILL GO AWAY AND YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A
HEALING AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE RESTORED.

21. • 3. LAZINESS. THE THIRD ENEMY AND TERRIBLE ROADBLOCK
TO HEALING A HURT IN YOUR MARRIAGE IS LAZINESS. MANY
MARRIAGES BEGIN WITH A ZEAL FROM BOTH THE SPOUSES.
THINK OF THE EFFORT A YOUNG MAN PUTS TO HAVE THE
LADY. THINK OF HOW THE LADY PREPARES HERSELF AS SHE
PLANS TO MEET THE MAN. BUT AFTER MARRIAGE, A TYPE
OF LAZINESS CROPS IN.

22. • WHEN CONFLICT ARISES, THEY ARE TOO LAZY TO DEAL WITH
IT. THEY PULL AWAY FROM THE HEAT AND ESCAPE INTO
THEIR FANTASIES, WITH ACTIVITIES SUCH AS HOBBIES, TV,
SHOPPING, OR SPORTS. SOME CAN EVEN RESULT TO BIBLE
STUDY, CHURCH FUNCTIONS, CHURCH EVENTS AND OTHER
SO COMMONLY CALLED “SPIRITUAL MATTERS”

23. • IT IS IMPORTANT FOR ALL MARRIED PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT
LAZINESS CAN KILL A MARRIAGE. IT INDICATES APPATHY, AND
APPATHETIC PEOPLE ARE NEVER WILLING TO PUT TIME AND
EFFORT INTO MAKINGA MARRIAGE WORK. AT THE END OF THEIR
LIVES, THEY LOOK BACK, THEY REALIZE THAT THEY FORFEITED THE
INTIMACY AND LOVE THEY REALLY WANTED IN MARRIAGE.
LAZINESS LEADS TO REGRETS REMORSE, PAIN AND AT TIMES
SEPERATION AND TO THE WORST, DIVORCE. REMEMBER
PROVERBS 24:30-34.

24. • 4. SHAME. ANOTHER HINDRANCE TO MARITAL HALING IS SHAME.
SHAME IS DIFFERENT FROM GUILT. GUILT IS DUE TO WHAT I HAVE DONE,
NOT DONE, SAID OR NOT SAID. BUT SHAME IS DUE TO WHAT I THINK I
AM. SHAME RELATES TO INDIVINDUAL. SHAME IS A SENSE OF BEING
UNIQUELY AND HOPELESSLY FLAWED[FULL OF DEFICIENCIES] . SHAME
LEAVES A PERSON FEELING DIFFERENT FROM AND LESS VALUABLE THAN
OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.

25. • PEOPLE CONTROLLED BY SHAME DO TWO THINGS IN TRYING TO
SOLVE THEIR HURTS OR PROBLEMS, FIRST THEY TRY TO BE PERFECT
IN ORDER TO EARN THAT WHICH THEY THINK THEY LACK. AS A
RESULT THEY RESIST CONFESSING THEIR FAULTS AND SEEKING FOR
FORGIVENESS. THUS HEALING BECOMES DIFFICULT. SECOND, THEY
STRIVE FOR CONTROL IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. BUT A MIND SET TO
CONTROL CANNOT ACCEPT PERSONAL FAULTS, AND HANDLES
CONFLICTS FROM ONE SIDE ONLY, THUS BLOCKING MARITAL
HEALING.

26. • THE SHAME CONTROLLED PERSON NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND TWO
KEY BIBLICAL CONCEPTS. FIRST, IS GRACE. GOD’S GRACE IS
SUFFICIENT FOR ALL PEOPLE, OF ALL AGES, SEX. ONE SHOULD
NEVER BE ASHAMED OF WHAT HE/SHE IS; SHORT, BLACK, FAT,
SLIM. TO PAUL GOD SAID, “MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR
YOU…”2CORN 12:9. THE SECOND THING IS OUR POSITION IN
CHRIST. WHEN A PERSON RECEIVES CHRIST AS SAVIOR AND LORD,
THE INDIVIDUAL IS FULLY ACCEPTED AS A CHILD OF GOD, WITH ALL
RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES. JOHN 1:11-13.

27. • SO BY RECEIVING GOD’S GIFT OF CHRIST IN LIFE, A PERSON IS
RELEASED ONCE FOR ALL FROM ALL SINS, PAST PRESENT
AND FUTURE. WE ARE RECEIVED IN THE BELOVED SON. WE
BECOME BELOVED OF GOD COL 3;12. THIS TYPE OF SPOUSE
IS THEREFORE FREE TO TALK AND DISCUSS WITH HIS/HER
PARTNER IN A WAY THAT ALL HURTS IN THEIR
RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE HEALED AND GOOD AND CORDIAL
PEACE BE RESTORED.

28. • 5. FEAR. FEAR IS PRIMARILY A RESPONSE TO SOMETHING THAT WE
PERCEIVE OVERPOWERING OR THREATENING OUR PEACE AND
LIFE. FEAR CAN EXERT EITHER NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE FORCE IN US.
IN MARRIAGES MANY PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY NEED TO
RESOLVE THEIR CONFLICT, AND OFTEN THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
BUT THEY ARE FRAID OF WHAT THE RESULT MIGHT BE. SO THEY
AVOID DEALING WITH THE ISSUE, DECIDING INSTEAD TO PLAY IT
COOL OR SAFE.

29. •HERE ARE THREE
FEARS THAT PREVENT
PEOPLE FROM
RESOLVING THEIR
CONFLICTS.

30. • A. FEAR OF FAILURE. ONE FEARS THAT HE/SHE MAY NOT SUCCED IN
SOLVING THE HURTS THEY HAVE IN THEIR MARRIAGE. SO THEY
CAN DO ANYTHING TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT THE ISSUES. BUT
THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT FEAR AFFECTS COMMUNICATION AND
ONE FEELS THAT HE/SHE DOES NOT MEASURE UP TO THE SPOUSE’S
EXPECTATION. AS A RESULT ONE STAYS AWAY FROM THE OTHER
EMOTIONALLY AND AT TIMES PHYSICALLY. BY AVOIDING THE PAIN
OF FAILURE, YOU ALLOW YOUR HURTS TO PERSIST.

31. • B. FEAR OF REJECTION. ONE HAS DONE SOMETHING THAT HE/SHE
DEEMS NOT GOOD FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. OR SOMETHING LIKE RAPE,
ABORTION OR INCEST OCCURRED SOMETIMES IN THE PAST. THE WIFE
FOR EXAMPLE MAY WANT TO TELL THE HUSBAND OF THAT RAPE
INCIDENT, BUT FEARS THAT THE MAN MAY END UP REJECTING HER. SO
SHE KEEPS IT TO HERSELF. THIS CONTINUES TO HURT HER. BUT THE
TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS HONEST, AND OPEN ACCEPTING
COMMUNICATION NURTURES A HEALTHY MARRIAGE.

32. • C. FEAR OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. THIS IS A TERRIBLE FEAR. IT IS A
TERRIBLE BLOCK TO HEALING OUR HURTS. THERE IS A DIFFENCE
BETWEEN SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL INTIMACIES. A COUPLE CAN
HAVE SEXUAL INTIMACY WITHOUT EMOTIONAL ENTIMACY. MANY
COUPLES SUCCED IN SEXUAL INTIMACY WHILE STERVING FOR
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. SEXUAL INTIMACY IS EASY. IT CAN BE DONE
IN A MOMENT AND BE COMPLETED.

33. • BUT BEING CLOSE EMOTIONALLY TAKES CONSTANT WORK AND
COMMITMENT. YOU DEVELOP EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BY FREE AND
REGULAR COMMUNICATION, SHARING IDEAS, ISSUES AND
THOUGHTS TOGETHER, DOING THINGS AS ATEAM. GETTING TIME
TO BE YOU TWO, EXPRESSING ROMANTIC LOVE FREELY, AND
REGULARLY, READING GOD’S WORD AND PRAYING TOGETHER,
KEEPING NO SECRETS WHICH YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT KNOW….

34. • NOW IN THIS FEAR, A SPOUSE MAY NOT WANT TO BE SO CLOSE TO
HIS/HER PARTNER BECAUSE HIS/HER WEAKNESS WILL BE EVIDENT
TO THE SPOUSE. HE/SHE MAY NOT WANT TO BE TOO INTIMATE TO
THE OTHER BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME THINGS HE/SHE WANTS TO
KEEP SECRET ALWAYS TO THE OTHER. THIS I TELL YOU WILL NEVER
BRING ANY EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND WILL
NOT ALLOW YOU TO SOLVE YOUR HURTS.

35. • LADIES, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE AS PEOPLE IN
PRISON, NEVER EXPERIENCING THE FULL ENJOYMENT OF A HUSBAND
AND THE WIFE. YOU CAN ENJOY YOUR MARRIED LIFE TO ITS FULL.
JESUS SAID, I CAME THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE LIFE AND HAVE IT IN ALL
ITS FULLNESS, JOHN 10:10. IF THERE IS A PLACE WHERE WE CAN HAVE
LIFE AND ALL IN ITS FULLNESS, IT IS IN OUR MARRIEAGES. WE CAN
HAVE IT FROM TODAY BY THE GRACE OF GOD. PLEASE DECIDE FOR
THAT AND NOT FOR ANY THING LESS, BY SOLVING YOUR HEART
STORED HURTS. BEGIN TODAY.

36. • ASSIGNMENT. THINK AND REMEMBER. DO YOU HAVE AN ISSUE
WITH YOUR SPOUSE THAT HURTS YOU AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO
GENUINELY SOLVE IT BEFORETHE END OF THIS YEAR? DO YOU
THINK IF YOU GENUINELY TELL YOUR SPOUSE WHAT HURTS YOU
HE/SHE WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY? AND ARE YOU WILLING TO
FORGIVE YOUR SPOUSE AND ACCEPT HIM/HER FULLY AND RESORE
YOUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY SUCH THAT YOU REALLY FEEL
ATTACHED TO HIM/HER? THEN BEGIN DOING IT TODAY.