Understanding others through their communication

www.angelabelotti.com
Have you ever wondered how some people are able to achieve what they want from
an interaction while at the same time enabling the other person to do so too? For
them, the word ‘conflict’ doesn’t seem to exist since they always find a way that
suits both themselves and the other person.
Yet, many of us easily become trapped in some form of conflict with others,
whether that’s our work colleagues, friends or even our loved ones.
Let’s take an example.

Jack and Jill work in the same team. A typical conversation between them normally
ends up like this.
“You never seem to understand!” “Because what you’re saying doesn’t make sense!”
“But why are you persisting on the details? You’re missing the big picture!” “Your
presentation is just a muddle of random ideas without any connection between
them.” “That’s not the point. You always get the whole project delayed because you
want to go over the same things every time anything unexpected occurs!”

A lot of energy is then wasted in discussing ways to get to where each party wants
to be, but it all seems to come to a stalemate situation where they both end up
feeling frustrated and exhausted.
Something which ought to be about achieving an outcome ends up feeding into a
continuous sense of misunderstanding. In fact, there isn’t any understanding at all!
So who is right and who is wrong?

Who is right and who is wrong?
The fact is that neither is right or wrong. We simply process information differently;
hence we act and communicate differently. Therefore, we need to understand what
works best for the other person and adapt our communication accordingly.
It’s similar to having a conversation with someone who doesn’t speak your
language. Becoming frustrated and upset won’t result in a reciprocal understanding,
but learning to speak the other person’s ‘language’ will!

Understanding the other person’s ‘language’
If you’re working with someone on an important project, decision or outcome, pay
attention to the way they communicate. Is the person mainly communicating the
details or are they presenting an overview?
If so, one speaks Specific and the other Generic. And as they persist in speaking
their own ‘language’, they will never understand each other. In the case of Jack and
Jill, one is a Specific and the other a Generic.
What does this mean?

Specific people (in their mind) process small detailed pieces of information rather
than large generic chunks. When communicating, they present their information in
linear sequences; a step by step method. If they lose the sequence in either their
communication or in the process of doing anything, they tend to start again or
return to the point where they left off and continue from there.
In a metaphorical sense, they are unable to see the whole forest, but they can
immediately see the branches and twigs of the trees.

In contrast, Generic people mainly see the big picture and struggle (quickly
becoming irritated) with the details. They communicate using simple sentences, and
in a conversation or meeting, they often ask, “And what is the point of this?”
They tend to randomly present ideas, clearly seeing the forest, but totally missing
the trees. And what about the branches of the trees? According to Generics, these
don’t exist!

How could you improve reciprocal understanding?
In a perfect world, there would be someone else in the team who is a half Specific
and half Generic person. In being so, they would easily ‘translate’ back and forth
between you and the other person. This would enable you both to understand each
other’s approach.
But what if there is no such a person in the team?

Alternatively, if you are a Specific and your colleague is a Generic, consider easy
ways for you to somehow summarise what you are saying.
For instance, once you have presented the details and criteria of a project you’re
working on, consider the continuous sequence of your verbal communications as
being comprised of a linear string of sub-sequences which all contain a subject
heading. Thus, follow your detailed presentation with a linear sequence of
headings, concluding with what would happen at the end of them.
The Generic will grasp that at once!

If you are a Generic, there’s no point insisting on getting down to details. It’s a
language you can’t speak.
You can, however, imagine your overview of the project as being like the image of a
jigsaw puzzle. Now, assume that image is made up of four or six pieces. Present
your overview to your Specific colleague through those four or six puzzle pieces,
including where they join together to form a perfect image.
This will make it easier for your Specific colleague to understand you.

Differences are strengths!
In addition to improving communication, what enables you both to function as an
effective team is the ability to capitalise on each other’s strengths. This begins with
understanding and embracing each other’s differences as strengths to utilise.
If you are a Specific, focus on the aspects of the project which involves details, like
contractual specifics, step-by-step processes, evaluation criteria, and so on.
If you are a Generic, keep an eye on the overall progress of the project, foresee
potential challenges and determine whether the project is on track for a successful
completion.

Ultimately, it’s about understanding how we communicate and hence function, as
well as finding ways to ‘translate’ what we mean into a language the other person
can understand better.
It is also about embracing individual differences as being complementary strengths
towards a common goal so that both of you achieve what you individually want
from your interaction.

Understanding others through
their communication

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