The Forgiveness Facilitator Guide provides information on the Campaign for Love & Forgiveness, guidelines for facilitating conversations, thought-provoking essays on forgiveness, discussion questions related to campaign films, and suggested activities.

1. FACILITATOR GUIDE

2. Table of Contents About this Guide
About this Guide ..................................................... 2 This Facilitator Guide is designed to provide
you with information, suggestions, and tools
Introduction ............................................................. 3 for facilitating conversations about forgiveness
Facilitator’s Role ...................................................... 4 in your community, organization, or school.
To assist you in your role as facilitator,
Conversation Format ............................................... 5 the guide provides three essays that explore
forgiveness, suggested video clips (from the
Agreements for Conversations
public television programs The Power of
About Forgiveness ............................................. 7
Forgiveness and Forgiveness: A Time to Love &
The Importance of Listening ................................... 7 A Time to Hate), accompanying questions, and
ideas for activities. A Participant Handbook
Essay: Why Forgive? ............................................... 8 with essays and take-home exercises is available
Conversation One: at www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive/take-action/
What is the Nature of Forgiveness? ............... 13 start-conversations.
We invite you to use or adapt any of the
Conversation Two:
material included here so that it works best for
Why Forgive? ................................................... 15
you and your group.
Essay: The Journey to Forgiveness ....................... 17
We hope that you find this guide useful, and we
Conversation Three: thank you for your interest in facilitating these
Learning to Forgive .......................................... 21 important conversations.
Essay: Forgiving the Unforgivable......................... 23 The Fetzer Institute’s mission to foster aware-
ness of the power of love and forgiveness in the
Conversation Four: emerging global community, rests on its convic-
Forgiving the Unforgivable .............................. 25 tion that efforts to address the world’s critical
issues must go beyond political, social, and
Letter-Writing Tips ................................................ 28
economic strategies to their psychological and
Additional Resources ............................................ 30 spiritual roots. This also reflects founder John
Fetzer’s belief that “Love is the core energy that
Endnotes................................................................ 34 rules everything, love is the one ingredient that
holds us all together.” Forgiveness, a means of
removing emotional obstacles to the awareness
FACILITATOR GUIDE
of love’s presence, is key to this work.
© 2011 Fetzer Institute
2

3. Conversations About Forgiveness
Facilitator Guide
Introduction
Conversations About Forgiveness grew out Ideally, each facilitator will host at least four Forgiveness will not
of the Campaign for Love & Forgiveness, a conversations about forgiveness so that the
community engagement project of the Fetzer conversations can deepen over time. You may be possible until
Institute (www.fetzer.org) that encouraged choose whether to lead the conversations in compassion is born
people to bring love and forgiveness into the suggested order, depending on the experi- in your heart.
the heart of individual and community life. ences, needs, and desires of your group. We
Through facilitated conversations, a robust suggest that the conversations take place over a ´ .
—Thích Nhât Hanh in
website that offers activities, reflections, and a period of four to 12 weeks, and last at least two The Power of Forgiveness
thoughtful curriculum, the campaign touched hours each. This guide for conversation facilita-
thousands of people during its four-year run. tors offers video clip suggestions, discussion
questions, activity ideas, and a suggested struc-
The impact of the conversations was significant.
ture for the conversations.
More than 75% of conversation participants
surveyed reported they would be more likely to: Between conversations, participants will have
the opportunity to practice and add to what
• forgive themselves for mistakes
they are learning via the essays, suggested
• forgive others who are close to them activities, and journaling pages suggested in the
• talk with friends or family about forgiveness Participant Handbook.
or being more forgiving In keeping with the Fetzer Institute’s belief that
• consider how forgiveness could be offered as a individual transformation can lead to societal
response to a difficult situation change, we hope that as participants learn about
different aspects of forgiveness and practice
The resources at www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive
more forgiveness in their own lives, there will be
are available for anyone to use.
a ripple effect into communities. For example,
The Conversations some communities have created a Garden of
Forgiveness. Perhaps there is a difficult issue in
The goal of these conversations is to encourage your community where an intentional focus on
participants to think and talk about forgive- forgiveness can play a role.
ness, with the hope that this will bring about
meaningful change in attitudes and behavior.
For example, we hope that participants might
choose to start practicing “small forgivenesses,”
or be inspired to write a letter to someone they
would like to forgive. Each conversation has
a specific focus and uses essays and a film clip
from the PBS documentaries, The Power of
Forgiveness or Forgiveness: A Time to Love & A
Time to Hate, to spark reflection and dialogue.
Both films received funding from the Fetzer
Institute.
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 3

4. Conversations About Forgiveness
Facilitator Guide (continued)
About the Films Facilitator’s Role participants explore any internal or external
conflicts in a way that models respect for dif-
The Power of Forgiveness uses As you bring your own style to these con-
fering opinions and the possibility of “agreeing
character-driven stories to exam- versations, we are also relying on you to lead
to disagree.” If a conflict threatens to derail the
the conversations, and create a welcoming, safe,
ine the role forgiveness can play group in a way that would not illustrate the
and comfortable environment for participants.
in alleviating anger and grief, as concepts being discussed, or if the conflict is
You may want to recognize the courage it takes
well as the physical, mental, and taking up too much of the group’s time, you
to share stories and feelings surrounding the
spiritual benefits that come with
could ask those involved to set aside some
topic of forgiveness, and make participants
time after the session for further exploration
forgiveness. The film is produced aware that the subject matter may trigger
or mediation, and make yourself available
by award-winning Journey Films powerful emotions in them. Ask the group to
for private conversation on the matter as you
with major funding from the honor these emotions as they arise (e.g., crying
are able. You will have to use your judgment
is okay and the group can respectfully hold
Fetzer Institute. in these situations. If someone is consistently
space for someone’s tears without needing to
disrupting the group, you may ask them
More information is available: do anything). You can also research additional
privately to re-evaluate their reasons for join-
www.thepowerofforgiveness.com resources and offer them to those who may wish
ing the conversations. Maintaining safety and
to more deeply explore personal issues outside
order for the entire group is most important,
Forgiveness: A Time to Love & the conversations. (Ideas include informa-
of course, even as the constructive exploration
A Time to Hate explores the timely, tion about conflict resolution programs and
of conflict within the group can be beneficial
nearly ubiquitous applications efforts, substance abuse treatment and recovery
to everyone’s learning.
and limitations of the concept and programs for families and friends of addicts,
programs for those experiencing domestic or We include in this guide a suggested list of
practice of forgiveness through
other abuse, mental health resources, etc.) You shared agreements for you and your partici-
a compelling range of stories.
will likely find that by sharing your thoughts pants. They could be read at the beginning
The film is produced by Paul and experiences, you will be modeling the kind of each conversation, to set the tone and
of sharing and conduct that will keep the con- create a framework for sharing, and they can
Dietrich and award-winning pro-
versations respectful, purposeful, and enjoyable. be amended, expanded, or rewritten by your
ducer Helen Whitney, with major
group, as desired. And since participants will
funding from the Fetzer Institute. If extremely powerful emotions or conflict
be doing a lot of listening, there’s also a page
should arise among participants, addressing
More information is available:
on the nature and value of focused listening.
them in a way that honors both those involved
www.pbs.org/forgiveness and the group at large will be important.
For example, you could take time to have
4 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

5. Conversation Format as forgiveness. The facilitator acts as a
group voice at times like this, and you can
As facilitator, you’ll be responsible for making
exemplify honest sharing by mentioning any
sure that the conversations start and end on
feelings that you may have in this moment
time, and follow the format and agenda that
about leading the conversations. You might
you’ve decided on (allowing for changes and
also say something brief about why you
new directions that may arise as the conversa-
chose to facilitate these conversations, and
tions progress). Below is a suggested flow for a
what you hope to achieve.
two-hour conversation. If you and your partici-
pants wish to focus your conversations about 5. Invite participants to briefly introduce
forgiveness on a specific topic or issue that may themselves. It’s best to keep this concise,
be challenging your community, you might with participants stating their names, where
adapt this flow to your own agenda. You also they live (or work, or go to school, etc.,
have the opportunity to make the conversations depending on the group’s identity), and a
and the suggested activities suit the particular sentence about how they are feeling in the
makeup of your group and tailor them with moment about being part of the conversa- Forgiving is
regard to culture, age, ethnicity, etc. tion. You can say that there will be more
time later for discussion. This kind of
not having to
1. Prepare. Review this guide and familiarize
“lightning check-in” at the beginning of understand.
yourself with the concepts. Read the essays
and view the clips ahead of time.
each conversation allows people to momen- Understanding
tarily release whatever thought or feeling
2. Arrive early on the day of the conversation. might distract them from being present
may come later,
Make sure that the room is ready for partici- to the group. An example: “My name is in fragments, an
pants (enough chairs, arranged in a circle Lily and I live in Springfield. I’m stressed insight here and
or around a table for conversation, proper because I had to rush to get here and I’m
ventilation and temperature, water, flip kind of nervous about being here because a glimpse there…
charts, paper, writing utensils, working I don’t know what to expect.” —Lewis B. Smedes
video/audio equipment, nametags, signs,
6. Announce the format. Give everyone a
etc.). It’s important that you feel as relaxed
sense of the conversation’s flow and ending
as possible in your role, so give yourself
time. Remind them where bathrooms are
as much time as you need to prepare.
and if there are snacks available, and
You might take a few moments to center
encourage them to take care of themselves
yourself before people arrive, and set an
during the conversation (stretch if they
intention or hold a vision for how you
need to, get a drink of water, etc.). You
wish to guide the conversation.
may wish to build in a break midway.
3. Begin the conversation on time. This sets
7. Distribute and review handbooks. At the
a precedent and honors those present.
first conversation, you might choose to give
4. Officially welcome the group and the participants their handbooks, and join
introduce yourself. At the first conversation, them in reading aloud the introductions to
it’s important to acknowledge the courage the campaign and conversations. You can
and goodwill of those who have chosen to also review the format of the handbooks
participate. You can also read the mood/ and note the suggested home practices.
body language of the group, and acknowl-
8. Read aloud with participants the suggested
edge any nervousness or anxiety that people
shared agreements in the handbooks or
may feel about joining the conversations
create your own. This establishes an identity
and sharing about something as personal
and code of conduct for the group,
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 5

6. Conversations About Forgiveness
Facilitator Guide (continued)
and allows everyone to feel responsible for 11. Lead activities for the conversation. Each
honoring it. We have provided a suggested conversation includes a clip from The Power
list, which you and your participants can of Forgiveness or Forgiveness: A Time to Love
amend and/or expand for your particular & A Time to Hate.This guide includes sug-
needs, or use as a reference in creating your gested discussion questions for each clip.
own list. It’s a good idea to read the shared Depending on the size of your group, the
agreements for at least the first two con- entire time might be taken up by viewing
versations. After the agreements are read the clip and having a discussion around the
aloud by all who wish to read, you can ask focused questions. You likely also have your
whether anyone has a question or need for own ideas for group activities, depending on
clarification, and address any of those needs. your conversation format and the group’s
make-up. Have a few alternative exercises
9. Center the group. This helps people “land”
in mind for anyone who may need them
in the room, and invites calm and focus.
(e.g., if someone feels uncomfortable about
Ideas include: a minute of silence with
sharing something personal out loud, they
Rather than a favor relaxed or closed eyes (not everyone is
could write about the topic instead), and
comfortable closing their eyes among
we do for someone strangers), a brief meditation on breath and
give participants permission to skip or alter
else, forgiveness is, body awareness, an invitation to silently
any exercises that make them uncomfort-
able. You may have to pair with someone
first and foremost, pray or set an intention, or your own
during some of the activities, even as you
preferred centering technique. Participants
a favor we do for could also meditate on forgiveness itself—
will also be conducting them and keeping
ourselves. The core where they experience it in the body, how
an eye on the time.
power of forgiveness it feels, what images or thoughts come to 12. End activities and move to a moment of
mind, etc. You could also invite them to silence. This allows everyone to briefly
is that it returns think about a time when they were forgiven “digest” the conversation and identify
to us the power to and how it felt to be forgiven. Afterwards their feelings in the moment. Again, verbal
be happy. you could verbally end the centering, or instructions and/or a soft chime could mark
ring a soft chime to bring everyone’s atten- the start of this closing meditation.
— Robin Casarjian tion back to the group. Another idea is to
13. Close the conversation with the group.
set the tone with a quotation (perhaps from
these materials) on the subject of forgive- You and the participants can offer brief
ness. You might offer participants the statements about how you feel at the end
chance to bring in a quotation of their own of the conversation, and/or what you might
for this purpose. take home from the experience. Encourage
participants to use their handbooks as a way
10. About the essays. This guide includes to keep the conversation alive and expand
three essays: Why Forgive?, The Journey to upon their learning, and invite them to
Forgiveness, and Forgiving the Unforgivable. read the next essay in preparation for the
These provide background and context upcoming session. Remind everyone of the
for the conversations, and include an next conversation date, and stay a few extra
overview of relevant research. The first minutes to respond to any questions/com-
essay is suggested in conjunction with ments that participants may have.
Conversations One and Two, the second
with Conversation Three, and the third with
Conversation Four. The essays can be read
out loud or at home between meetings.
6 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

7. Agreements for Conversations The Importance of Listening
About Forgiveness
Shared agreements among group members As a group, you might take a few minutes to
help to keep conversations orderly, respectful, discuss the value of listening, and share experi-
and conducive to honest sharing. Your group ences where you really felt heard or genuinely
may amend or customize this list, or you might tuned in to someone who needed to be heard.
choose instead to brainstorm your own set
of agreements.
In addition to listening to individuals, it’s Simply put, there
important to listen to what is emerging from
You can vote on your shared agreements at the the discussion. The group will not only be is nothing, nothing
first conversation, and refer to them as needed sharing ideas, insights, and stories, but they in the world, that
throughout the remaining conversations. We will also be giving form to an intangible can take the place
invite you to also consider the power of listen- essence: forgiveness. Short periods of silent
ing with focused attention as a way to support reflection, especially following periods of of one person inten-
all participants in the conversations. intense discussion, give this essence a place tionally listening or
in the conversation.
1. We agree that any personal information speaking to another.
shared in this group is confidential. A discussion about good listening skills
— Jacob Needleman
might include:
2. We intend to balance sharing and listening,
allowing everyone to participate, and we’ll • Listening with an open mind and heart.
pass whenever we wish. • Allowing others to speak without interruption
3. We will allow others to speak without inter- even when we feel impatient to speak.
ruption and refrain from giving unsolicited • Accepting that the speaker’s feelings are valid.
feedback, advice, or commentary. No matter what we think, we will refrain
4. We commit to using “I” statements as often from “correcting” the speaker’s feelings.
as possible when we share. • Listening with no agenda other than being
5. We will assume good intentions on every- attentive to someone who needs to speak.
one’s part, agree that we may disagree at • Imagining that we are speaking and listening
times, and learn together about respecting to ourselves.
differences.
• Listening without trying to solve or fix a
6. If an exercise makes us uncomfortable, we problem unless feedback or advice is sought.
can skip it or ask the facilitator about an
alternative. (Add other skills suggested by the group.)
7. We strive to begin and end our conversations
on time.
8. We will listen with focus and attention.
(Add other agreements unique to your group.)
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 7

8. Essay:
Why Forgive?
This essay may be used for Conversations One Drawing from those who’ve studied it, we’ll use
and Two and can be read individually or out the following definition as a starting point for
loud as a group. understanding and practicing forgiveness:
The concept of forgiveness should come Forgiveness is a conscious, willful choice to turn
naturally to us. Why? Because we are unique away from the pain, hurt, resentment, and
and fallible human beings. Because we make wish for revenge that arises from a betrayal,
mistakes. We see the world differently. Our offense, injustice, or deep hurt. Forgiveness
preferences, foibles, personalities, and needs involves a willingness to see the transgression
differ. Our religions, cultures, and world and transgressor in a larger context, and to
views differ. replace negative feelings with compassion
and tolerance.
These differences, combined with the daily
frustrations, hurts, and injustices we witness Robert Enright, PhD, professor of educational
and experience throughout our lives, can cause psychology at the University of Wisconsin,
us pain and even inflict deep wounds in our Madison, points out that by forgiving “we are
hearts and psyches. For those wounds, forgive- acknowledging that the offense was unfair and
ness can be a powerful, self-administered salve. will always continue to be unfair. Second, we
Forgiveness is In fact, research has revealed that forgiveness have a moral right to anger; it is fair to cling
can contribute to our health, happiness, and to our view that people do not have a right
both a decision peace of mind. to hurt us. We have a right to respect. Third,
and a real change For some of us, forgiveness isn’t something we
forgiveness requires giving up something to
in emotional think much about. For others, it is a central life
which we have a right—namely our anger or
resentment.”1
experience. That practice. For many, it is misunderstood. When
you think of forgiveness, what is the first thing Forgiveness is an opportunity for transforma-
change in emotion that arises? A thought? A feeling? A memory? tion, both individually and collectively. It
is related to better What does forgiveness mean to you? Whatever not only helps relieve mental and emotional
physical and you think of when you think of forgiveness, anguish, but it offers the possibility for change,
it is a starting point for coming to a common for redemption, for restoration—for hope and
mental health. understanding of this timeless and powerful even love to blossom from pain and suffering. It
— Everett Worthington practice. That is where we will begin. can stop a cycle of hurt and create opportunity
where there seemed to be none. Most of all, it
If forgiveness is a hard concept for you to grasp,
has the potential to heal and open our hearts
you aren’t alone. It’s not an easy practice or
to love again and more fully, strengthening
process, especially if you’re just starting out.
and building our capacity for compassion and
The first time forgiveness crosses your mind or
understanding.
lips is just one moment in a process to untangle
yourself from the pain and repercussions of For each person, there is a unique history
experiencing a hurt, transgression, or injustice. and set of reasons why we choose to forgive or
not to forgive. If you’ve experienced someone
You may be afraid that forgiving an offense will
forgiving you, you likely have an idea why
diminish the affront itself. It won’t. Forgiveness
this practice is important. If you’ve forgiven
is not forgetting. It is not accepting or justify-
someone who hurt you and you have felt the
ing the offense. It is not pardoning, excusing,
tension within you begin to ease, you may
condoning, or even reconciling. And you don’t
understand the significance of forgiveness.
necessarily have to understand the offender or
But there is more.
the offense to forgive.
8 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

9. Until fairly recently there was little research to Why People Forgive Love is the only
substantiate the tangible benefits of forgiveness.
In the past decade, however, interest in the According to Robert Enright, the reasons that force capable
topic has exploded both inside and outside people forgive fall into the following eight of transforming
categories:
academia. Researchers are exploring the role an enemy into
of forgiveness in our health, well-being, and
relationships, and in healing intergroup con-
1. You forgive to quiet your angry feelings. friend.”
flict. Through their research, they are finding 2. Forgiveness changes destructive thoughts — Martin Luther King, Jr.
effective ways to bring this practice into many
into quieter, more healthy thoughts.
aspects of our lives.
3. As you forgive, you want to act more civilly
Good evidence associates forgiveness with
emotional, mental, and physical well-being. toward the one who hurt you.
Research has shown that forgiveness can reduce 4. Forgiveness of one person helps you inter-
depression and anger, increases hopefulness and
act better with others. Perhaps your anger
self-confidence, and helps improve the health of
with your supervisor has spilled over to
marriages and families.3 Forgiveness education
has also shown promise in preventing crime by your relationship with children. Forgiving
reducing vengeful responses that can lead to your boss would be a gift to your children.
criminal acts.4
5. Forgiveness can improve your relationship
In addition, researchers are testing the use of with the one who hurt you.
forgiveness training in reducing and healing
intergroup conflict such as that experienced by 6. Your forgiveness actually can help the one
Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland who hurt you to see his or her unfairness
or Tutsis and Hutus in Rwanda. In a study and take steps to stop it. Your forgiving
conducted by Fred Luskin, PhD, co-director of can enhance the character of the one who
the Stanford-Northern Ireland HOPE Project,
hurt you.
and Reverend Byron Bland, associate director of
the Stanford Center on International Conflict 7. You forgive because God asks you to do so.
and Negotiation, which brought together You forgive as an act of love toward God.
Protestants and Catholics from Northern
Ireland for group forgiveness training, par- 8. Forgiveness, as an act of kindness and
ticipants who had family members murdered love toward the one who hurt you, is a
reported less hurt, anger, stress, and depression moral good regardless of how the other
after the training, as well as improvement in is responding to you. Loving others, while
physical vitality and general well-being.5 And
protecting yourself from harm, is a morally
South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation
good thing to do.2
Commission (TRC) showed the power of for-
giveness to transform a country, help its people
heal from their injustices and wounds, and look
together toward a brighter future.
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 9

10. Essay:
Why Forgive? (continued)
Archbishop Desmond Tutu, chair of the TRC, In a study by the University of Michigan
believes that “…to forgive is indeed the best Institute for Social Research, nearly 60 percent
form of self-interest since anger, resentment, of Americans reported they had forgiven them-
and revenge are corrosive of that summum selves for past mistakes, while almost 75 percent
bonum, that greatest good, communal harmony said they felt God had forgiven them.8 “I think
that enhances the humanity and personhood of all of us, at one time or another, when we’ve
all in the community.”6 made the same mistakes over and over again,
have felt that we must be a disappointment in
To forgive is also deeply rooted in many of
God’s eyes. Yet there’s a remarkably high level
the world’s religious teachings, beliefs, and
of confidence across the country that God
practices. For many, religious beliefs provide
forgives us, compared to a much lower level of
a roadmap and a resource for forgiveness—
forgiveness for oneself and others,” explained
a touchstone that helps to deal with what
Loren Toussaint, psychologist and author of the
otherwise might be too overwhelming.
study.9 Religion and spirituality offer a way to
see life’s experiences in a larger context. Rituals,
Forgiveness According to authors Michael McCullough and
Everett Worthington, PhD, executive direc- traditions, and sacred practices help us navigate
breaks the silos tor for A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, the forgiveness process with a greater purpose
of a disconnected “The concept of forgiveness has dual natures: and, for many, are a divine guide.
a common one and a transcendent one. In the
humanity. common, material world, forgiveness is just
As long as we remain imperfect beings, there
will be a need to forgive ourselves and others. If
— Bonnie Wesorick one more social-psychological phenomenon…
forgiveness seems like a faraway concept—too
But forgiveness has another nature as well.
hard to contemplate—take heart in the exam-
It is spiritual, transcendent, timeless.”7
ples of forgiveness all around us, like the Amish
community in Pennsylvania who responded to
the shooting of ten Amish schoolgirls by forgiv-
ing the man responsible. Or Heidi Coffee, who,
when she lost her husband to a car accident,
invited the man allegedly responsible to her
husband Gavin’s memorial service. According
to Heidi, Gavin often invoked the saying,
“Holding a grudge is like taking poison and
waiting for someone to die.”10
The practice of forgiveness holds hope for
transforming not only our individual health
and well-being, but also the health of our rela-
tionships, schools, workplaces, communities,
and beyond. While researchers continue to
explore why and how forgiveness works in our
lives, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, having wit-
nessed the power of South Africa’s Truth and
Reconciliation process, believes simply “there
Liesbeth Gerritsen in Forgiveness: A Time to Love & A Time to Hate is no future without forgiveness.”
10 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

11. Different Beliefs “ In the act of forgiveness we are declaring our
About Forgiveness faith in the future of a relationship and in the
capacity of the wrongdoer to make a new
“ The most basic kind of forgivness is ‘forging
the other’s indebtedness’ (mechilá). If the beginning on a course that will be different
offender has done teshuva [a process requiring from the one that has caused the wrong.
the offender to acknowledge their offence, We are saying here is a chance to make a Forgiveness is not a
new beginning. It is an act of faith that the
express remorse, make restitution, and take single magnanimous
steps to prevent repeating the behavior], wrongdoer can change. According to Jesus
[Matthew 18:22], we should be ready to do
gesture in response
and is sincere in his or her repentance, the
offended person should offer mechilá; that this not just once, not just seven times, but to an isolated
is, the offended person should forgo the debt seventy times seven, without limit—provided, offence; it is part
of the offender, relinquish his or her claim it seems Jesus says, your brother or sister who of a continuum of
has wronged you is ready to come and confess
against the offender. This is not a reconcilia- human engagements
tion of heart or an embracing of the offender; the wrong they have committed yet again.” 12
in healing broken
it is simply reaching the conclusion that the —Archbishop Desmond Tutu relationships.
offender no longer owes me anything for
whatever it was that he or she did… — Marina Cantacuzino
“ Why is compassion so important? Someone
The second kind of forgiveness is…selichá. must take the initiative to move beyond the
It is an act of the heart. It is reaching a deeper cycle of old choices and responses that brings
understanding of the sinner. It is achieving an more pain and suffering and recognize the
empathy for the troubledness of the other. opportunity for a healing response to life itself.
Selichá, too, is not a reconciliation or an This is also true of the forgiveness that results
embracing of the offender; it is simply reach- from a compassionate heart. Today we face
ing the conclusion that the offender, too, is many problems, and the time has come for us
human, frail, and deserving of sympathy. It is to think on a deeper human level where we
closer to an act of mercy… understand and respect the humanness of
everyone. Though we might regard someone
The third kind of forgiveness is ‘atonement’
(kappará) or ‘purification’ (tahorá). This is a as an enemy, this enemy is also a human being
total wiping away of all sinfulness. It is an who is trapped by his or her own demons and
existential cleansing. Kappara is the ultimate who has a right to happiness.” 13
form of forgiveness, but it is only granted
—His Holiness, The Dalai Lama
by God.” 11
—Rabbi David Blumenthal
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 11

12. Essay:
Why Forgive? (continued)
“ To receive forgiveness from God “ The first step towards forgiveness is to
there are three requirements: understand the negativities that are created
by non-forgiveness and become aware of the
1. Recognizing the offense itself and its
futility and irrationality of nursing grudges.
admission before God.
We need to understand the law of karma
The giant pine tree 2. Making a commitment not to repeat and know that the non-forgiveness is against
the offense. God, and then sincerely decide to forgive.
grows from a tiny
Merely understanding the need to forgive is
sprout. The journey 3. Asking for forgiveness from God. not enough. It is crucial to take a decision to
of a thousand miles f the above three conditions are met in
I forgive, because it is only then that the whole
starts from beneath sincerity, forgiveness from God is assured. process of unraveling begins. Forgiveness
your feet. Sincerity protects a person from repeating is not an action or emotion, it is something
the same offense. If a person is sincere much deeper. It is the state of my being. When
—Lao Tzu
he will be helped by God not to repeat; in forgiveness happens there is no need to say
addition, God will change his punishment anything. It is a state where there is no hatred
for the offense into a reward.” 14
or sense of revenge that remains.” 15
— M. Amir Ali, PhD, founder, Institute of —Swami Nikhilananda, director,
Islamic Information and Education Chinmaya Miss
12 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

13. Conversation One:
What Is the Nature of Forgiveness?
Since this is likely the first time that your group The Power of Forgiveness
is meeting, you may want to “take the pulse” of
“The Amish and Forgiveness” Clip
the participants by doing the following activ-
ity. Place individual poster-size flip chart sheets This three-minute clip revisits the October
around the room. Write one of the following 2006 shooting at Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania,
statements (or use your own) on each sheet. and explores why the Amish were able to
Draw a horizontal line in the middle of each offer forgiveness to the killer’s family. Donald
chart with “agree” on one side and “disagree” Kraybill, PhD, senior fellow, The Young Center
on the other. As people arrive in the room, for Anabaptist and Pietist Studies, explains that
give them stickers or markers and ask them to the Amish are rooted in the forgiveness called
place a sticker or mark an “x” at the place on for in the Lord’s Prayer and in accepting the
the line that represents their view. (This will will of God.
give everyone a quick visual overview of the
“pulse” in the room.)
Discussion Questions A typical saying,
• How do you feel after seeing the video clip? repeated many times
Statements: What is your reaction?
in Amish culture,
• There is someone I need to forgive. • Kraybill says that Amish children see their
is “Forgive, forget,
• Not forgiving someone is adding stress
parents forgiving or extending forgiveness
and that is how they learn about forgiveness. and move on.”
to my life.
How did you learn about forgiveness? What — Donald Kraybill,
• I have been hurt, betrayed, and/or let down. do you think the children in our community author of Amish Grace
• I am carrying a burden of pain because learn about forgiveness? What changes would
I haven’t forgiven someone. you want to make?
• I need to be forgiven for something I did • According to Kraybill, one element that
or said. enables the Amish to forgive is the strength of
their community, which, he says, helps them
• Justice is more important to me than
“absorb” hatred and deal with anger, because
forgiveness.
they don’t need to defend themselves indi-
After you have reviewed the shared agreements vidually. How do you think our community
and other logistical issues and centered the might learn to absorb hatred and anger? How
group, you may wish to invite comments on the might that help us as individuals?
responses. If time permits, you may choose to
• What can you learn from the Amish approach
do one of the suggested activities to further
to forgiveness? What aspects might you want
explore the topic.
to include in your own life?
Video Clips and
Discussion Questions
Select and screen one of the following clips.
Then lead a discussion using the questions
provided for the clip or create your own.
Depending on your group’s size, you can carry
on this discussion with the full group or in pairs
or trios of participants, with one member of
each team reporting highlights of their discus-
sion to the entire group.
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 13

14. Conversation One:
What Is the Nature of Forgiveness? (continued)
Forgiveness: • What is your experience with forgiveness
A Time to Love & A Time to Hate within your family or with someone close
to you?
“Intimate Woundings” Clip
• Have you experienced a major loss, upheaval,
This 16-minute clip tells the story of Dan Glick
or estrangement within your family or a close
and his former wife Liesbeth
friendship? How did forgiveness or the lack of
Gerritsen, a seemingly ideal couple
it affect you?
with two small children, whose
family is torn apart by Liesbeth’s Group Activities
decision to leave the family to
The following are additional suggested activities
start a new life thousands of miles
to use as you see fit.
away. Earning forgiveness from
her husband, son, and daughter Heart Versus Mind
is complicated, but not nearly as Begin by asking the group to demonstrate, by
difficult as forgiving herself. show of hands, to say how many people think
the Amish let their hearts prevail in thinking
Discussion Questions
about forgiveness. Then how many let their
• How do you feel after seeing this clip? minds prevail. Ask the group to talk about what
What is your reaction? they think the difference between acting from
the heart and acting from the mind. Invite
The search for • Koyla says he doesn’t know if his mother
them to consider how they approach forgive-
has forgiven herself and, perhaps, that’s why
forgiveness is the she’s seeking forgiveness from her chidren. ness in their own lives.
search for a healing What do you think? How important is Hand a sheet of paper to each person and ask
of an ache of the self-forgiveness to the overall process of everyone to make two columns: one titled
forgiveness? What’s your experience with
human heart. self-forgiveness?
“Heart” and the other “Mind.” Now invite
them to think about a situation where they
—Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete • Zoe says that she needs to be careful how need to forgive or be forgiven. (They do not
in Forgiveness: A Time to need to share this situation.) Suggest that with
she goes about the process of forgiving her
Love & A Time to Hate
mother because it’s one of the most “damag- that issue in mind, they fill in each column
ing things that’s ever happened to me.” What with what their heart says and what their mind
would it take for you to forgive someone for says they should do. As a large group, invite
an offense you considered to be this damaging? participants to talk about how they approach
(After discussing this question, mention to forgiveness and what it would be like to let
participants that the next essay provides steps either the heart or mind prevail.
to forgiveness, as recommended by a number
Close the conversation by going around the
of forgiveness experts.)
room and asking each participant to share
• Dan says that one of the important moments something they learned or want to learn more
in this experience was when he looked at his about, allowing people to pass.
role in the split and took on some of the blame
Encourage participants to review their
himself. What do you think of his accepting
Participant Handbook, and remind them of
some of the blame? Why do you think this was
the date of the next conversation.
important for him?
14 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

15. Conversation Two:
Why Forgive?
After welcoming participants, invite them Discussion Questions
to share any insights, thoughts, or meaning-
• How do you feel after seeing the clip?
ful experiences about forgiveness that have
What is your reaction?
occurred since the last conversation. To refresh
their memories, or if participants had not read • Think about a time when you forgave some-
the first essay last time, you may wish to begin one or were forgiven. What were the benefits
by discussing the essay, “Why Forgive.” Explain to you?
that the focus of the conversation will be based • Think about someone you want to forgive or
on your selection of the clips. Play the video who you want to forgive you. How does not
clip you’ve selected and follow up with discus- forgiving affect you?
sion. If time permits, you may choose to do the
suggested activity to further explore the topic. • In her research, Lawler Row has identified If we let go of
characteristics of “forgiving people.” She
Video Clips and says that they are “a little less aware of
the pain in the
Discussion Questions being affected.” What do you think makes memory, we can
Select and screen one of the following clips.
it possible for people to reduce the impact have the memory,
of injustice or injury?
Then lead a discussion using the questions but it doesn’t
provided for the clip or create your own. • Lawler Row says in the film ,“I don’t think
Depending on your group’s size, you can the severity [of the offense] determines the
control us.
carry on this discussion with the full group health effects. It’s really how the person is — Alexandra Asseily in
or in pairs or trios of participants, with one able to incorporate the experience into their The Power of Forgiveness
member of each team reporting highlights lives.” What do you think she means by
of their discussion to the entire group. this statement?
The Power of Forgiveness • Worthington says that forgiveness can work
hand in hand with justice. What would be a
“Forgiveness and Biology”
way that this could happen? Choose a situa-
This seven-minute clip begins with Everett tion in your community as an example.
Worthington, PhD, lecturing about how the
brain’s pleasure center is active during thoughts Forgiveness:
of revenge, and then moves to Kathleen Lawler A Time to Love & A Time to Hate
Row, PhD, professor emerita at the University “The Language of Anger” Clip
of Tennessee, who has been researching the
In this 23-minute clip, author Terri Jentz tells
benefits of forgiveness and the traits associated
her personal story of being savagely attacked
with “forgiving personalities.” The clip ends
while camping as a college student, her search
with Worthington talking about the relation-
for her attacker and justice, and, ultimately,
ship between forgiveness and justice.
her journey from denial and depression to
“righteous anger” and a sense of a purposeful
life.
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 15

16. Conversation Two:
Why Forgive? (continued)
Discussion Questions Group Activity
• How do you feel after seeing this clip? Qualities of a Forgiving Person
What is your reaction? If time permits, engage the group in the
• Terri Jentz described how, after the attack, following activity.
she experienced years of feeling paralyzed Ask each participant to talk with the person
because she “defaulted” to a forgiveness beside him or her (you may have to partner
mode based on religious training. But, she with someone) about someone who they
said, it was “an easy forgiveness [and]…was think is a “forgiving person.” They should
tremendously detrimental, because it left me
We must develop with this legacy of powerlessness.” What do
describe the qualities or personality characteris-
tics that person has. Tell participants this is
and maintain the you think she means by an “easy forgiveness”? an opportunity to practice focused listening.
capacity to forgive. How did granting an “easy forgiveness” affect Each person gets two minutes to speak,
Jentz’ feelings about the attack? How was this
He who is devoid realization important to her?
uninterrupted. When the first speaker’s time
is up (as indi-cated by timer or facilitator),
of the power to • In talking about the community of Redmond, the partners pause in silence, and the first
forgive is devoid of Jentz said, “I felt a profound feeling of for- speaker becomes the listener for two minutes,
the power to love. giveness of this community because there was repeating the exercise.
so much struggling, just as I had struggled
There is some good to come to terms with what had happened.”
Invite participants to share some of the qualities
that they described, and encourage discussion
in the worst of us How do you think learning about community about how to cultivate those qualities.
and some evil in members’ struggles in the aftermath of this
event helped Terri? Why do you think she Close the conversation by going around the
the best of us. When was willing to forgive Redmond community room and asking each participant to share
we discover this, members who had, in some ways, protected something they learned or want to learn more
about. (Allow people to pass.)
we are less prone to the man accused of the attack?
hate our enemies. • Upon realizing the pattern of violence her Encourage participants to read the next essay,
attacker had exhibited, Jentz says, “I believe and remind them of the date of the next
— Martin Luther King, Jr. that people commit evil deeds sometimes conversation.
for the sheer joy of doing it, because they
like to do it. And I have to say, then, how
can you forgive an act like that?…It’s, indeed,
unforgivable.” Are there deeds that are
unforgivable? What makes them so? Does
the background of the perpetrator or the
circumstance of the transgression matter?
16 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

17. Essay:
The Journey to Forgiveness
This essay may be used for Conversation Three. Where can you start to incorporate forgive-
ness in your life? Perhaps you might forgive a
Imagine meeting a man for coffee to help you
friend who didn’t keep a confidence, a spouse
prepare for a presentation. You find out that as
who did something hurtful, or a stranger who
teenagers you both hung out at the same ham-
spoke harshly.
burger stand. Then, as you look into his eyes,
it dawns on you—he and his friends beat you One of the seemingly most difficult places
unconscious 25 years ago—because you are gay. to start is with yourself. We are often hardest
Forgiveness of self
on ourselves, and that can spill out into how emerges when we
What would you do? Could you forgive him?
we approach most aspects of our lives and understand that
In this case, Matthew Boger did. Boger, our relationships. According to Luskin,
floor manager for the Museum of Tolerance “forgiveness of self emerges when we under-
even with our own
in Los Angeles, inadvertently came face-to-face stand that even with our own actions we do not actions we do not
with his attacker, former skinhead Tim Zaal, have total control. Everybody makes mistakes. have total control.
a volunteer at the museum, who had since We all make bad decisions and act from poor
turned his life around. After their first dramatic information…. Being human allows us to offer
Everybody makes
meeting, the two didn’t speak for awhile. Then, forgiveness to ourselves, never forgetting that mistakes.
Boger said, he realized that forgiveness provided we have resources at our disposal to improve
—Fred Luskin
the only way to move forward. Zaal apologized ourselves and help others.”18
and, over time, the two developed a friendship.
Researchers have established a variety of effec-
They now speak to groups about their experi-
tive approaches and specific steps to achieve
ence, both hoping to help end hatred and
forgiveness. The bottom line: it begins with and
invoke tolerance.16
requires a willingness to change. It is important
Admittedly this is a dramatic example of to find the unique approach that best fits you.
forgiveness. Not all of us would forgive such a The good news is that studies have shown that
painful act. As a result of Boger’s gesture, how- there is more than one road to forgiveness.
ever, the two men provide a moving example
of the transformative power of forgiveness. Making a Decision to Forgive
Luskin frames it as a choice, a decision to
Forgiveness is more difficult for some of us
reclaim and reframe your story, moving from
than others. Psychologists who have studied
the role of victim to the story’s hero—a person
people’s tendency to forgive note that there are
who, despite suffering, chooses to forgive. You
personality traits—such as being empathic and
may come to this choice, as Matthew Boger
emotionally engaged with others—that predis-
did, because it seems the best option, or to end
pose some people to forgiveness. Our genetic
your own suffering, or for some other reason
makeup, our upbringing, and our personal-
altogether. Whatever the reason, it marks the
ity, all contribute to our proclivity to forgive.
start of your journey.
Regardless of our starting point, however, we
each can learn the steps to forgiveness or how Changing Your Emotions
to forgive, and reap the benefits of better
Everett Worthington encourages forgiveness
physical and emotional health and well-being.
by getting in touch with emotions and
Fred Luskin suggests you start by forgiving gaining empathy for the person who hurt you.
small things. “Practicing forgiveness,” he writes, “Forgiveness occurs,” he notes, “by emotional
“allows us to develop forgiveness muscles in the replacement,”19 substituting the emotions of
same way that going to the gym develops physi-
cal muscles.”17
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 17

18. Essay:
The Journey to Forgiveness (continued)
unforgiveness—anger, bitterness, resentment— person’s behavior, and recognizing that their
with emotions of forgiveness, such as empathy primary motivation was likely not to cause you
and compassion. pain, but rather reflects their own issues and
needs, can be helpful.
Worthington himself used the process he devel-
oped and studied to forgive an overwhelming This doesn’t mean that forgiveness supplants
personal tragedy—his mother’s murder. In justice or condones what was done. Seeking
his book Five Steps to Forgiveness, he explains, reconciliation and justice are separate choices
“…trauma seems to cause the emotional you can make at any point along the way.
centers of the brain to become extremely active,
When it comes to reacting to devastating
and it changes emotional experience strongly.
events in our lives, it’s important to be gentle
Imagining a traumatic scene and pairing it with
with ourselves. Dark feelings may arise in
the emotion of compassion most likely repro-
response to hurt or betrayal, which is perfectly
grammed my emotions of rage and fear.”20
normal. Holding on to or feeding these feelings
There are common elements to the various is what causes us to remain stuck in a pattern
approaches to forgiveness that researchers of pain and anger. Forgiveness is one of the first
have developed. Clearly, we must acknowledge steps to our healing as we try to move on with
It’s not a quick fix. the transgression, the hurt, anger, and other our lives after a painful or traumatic event.
emotions that arise in response to it. Denying
We can’t give some- or ignoring any part of our experience inhibits
It’s also important to understand that recover-
ing from the pain you experienced takes time.
one a forgiveness our ability to move beyond the pain of the
Neither emotional recovery nor forgiveness can
pill and then they event itself.
be rushed. Sometimes we feel the need to take
smile and hug Depending on the magnitude of the transgres- the high road and put on a strong front, only
sion, forgiveness frequently requires finding to find later that the hurt is still there; we just
each other. people to support you. Our culture, particularly built a moat around it. Instead, the fortifi-
— Robert Enright in popular media, often feeds and glorifies the cation we constructed keeps the hurt inside
The Power of Forgiveness notion of revenge. Family and friends may be and, ironically, prevents us from being able
overly protective, suffer from hurt and anger to receive support.
for what was done to you, and seek revenge
If talking about what happened is too difficult,
on your behalf. Finding people who can listen
journaling may help. According to studies by
without judgment and help you consider
psychologist James W. Pennebaker and his col-
forgiveness as an option is important to
leagues, writing about difficulties in our lives
the process.
correlates with improved health and mood,
Worthington points out that “people who hurt even raising immunity.22 Journaling might
or offend us often do so because they’re condi- provide a way to get another perspective on
tioned by their past.”21 Looking at the offender emotions and events.
as a whole person, with a history that led them
Whatever road you choose to travel, forgiveness
to behave the way they did and immediate
is possible. Find a road map that fits you, and
circumstances that may have fueled their behav-
begin. It may be one of the greatest gifts you
ior, allows a seed of empathy to be planted.
give yourself. And the results of your efforts
When we can see others’ vulnerability, pain,
may surprise you.
and difficulties, it’s easier to build a context for
their actions and, perhaps, see that all of us are
capable and guilty of hurting others in some
way at some time. Trying not to judge the other
18 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide

19. Steps to Forgiveness from 5. At the moment you feel upset, practice a
Leading Researchers simple stress management technique to
soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
The following provides a glimpse into the for-
giveness processes put forth by experts in the 6. Give up expecting things from other people,
field. We encourage you to consult their books, or your life, that they do not choose to give
listed below, for complete details. you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules”
you have for your health or how you or other
Nine Steps to Forgiveness people must behave. Remind yourself that All people are
(From Fred Luskin’s “Learning to Forgive” you can hope for health, love, peace, and
website: www.learningtoforgive.com.
capable of being
prosperity and work hard to get them.
See also Forgive for Good: A Proven perpetrators or
7. Put your energy into looking for another way
Prescription for Health and Happiness.) victims—and
to get your positive goals met than through
1. Know exactly how you feel about what hap- the experience that has hurt you. Instead of
sometimes both.
pened and be able to articulate what about mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new — Father Michael Lapsley
the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted ways to get what you want.
couple of people about your experience.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what best revenge. Instead of focusing on your
you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is wounded feelings, and thereby giving the
for you and not for anyone else. person who caused you pain power over
you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean
kindness around you. Forgiveness is about
reconciliation with the person that hurt you,
personal power.
or condoning of their action. What you are
after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be 9. Amend your grievance story to remind you
defined as the “peace and understanding of the heroic choice to forgive.
that come from blaming that which has hurt
you less, taking the life experience less per-
sonally, and changing your grievance story.”
4. Get the right perspective on what is happen-
ing. Recognize that your primary distress is
coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts,
and physical upset you are suffering now,
not what offended you or hurt you two
minutes—or 10 years—ago. Forgiveness
helps to heal those hurt feelings.
www.fetzer.org/loveandforgive 19

20. Essay:
The Journey to Forgiveness (continued)
Guideposts for Forgiving Phase 3: Working on forgiveness.
Simply making a decision to forgive isn’t
(From Robert Enright’s Forgiveness Is a Choice:
enough. People need to take concrete
A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger
actions to make their forgiveness real. This
and Restoring Hope, pp. 78, 79.)
phase culminates with the giving of a moral
gift to the one who hurt you.
Phase I: Uncovering your anger.
To forgive, you must be willing to examine
Phase 4: Discovery and release
how much anger you have as a result of
from emotional prison.
someone else’s unfairness toward you.
Unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, and
anger are like the four walls of a prison cell.
Phase 2: Deciding to forgive.
Forgiveness is the key that opens the door
Forgiveness requires a decision and
and lets you out of that cell.
a commitment.
The Pyramid Model of REACH Forgiveness
From Everett Worthington’s
Five Steps to Forgiveness:
The Art and Science
of Forgiveness, p. 38
Hold on to
Forgiveness
The weak can never
forgive. Forgiveness Commit Publicly
is an attribute of to Forgive
the strong.
— Mahatma Gandhi
Altruistic Gift
of Forgiveness
Empathize
Recall the Hurt
20 CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS: Facilitator Guide