3. The Gift of Dementia
I am not a dementia expert and this is not a
‘how to’ manual for the care of someone with
dementia. It is a guideline to flourishing as a
person and a caregiver. During my mother’s
nine year journey through dementia I was
gifted with many valuable growth
opportunities. The three keys I share here were
the most powerful for me. You will find your
own.
4. The Gift of Dementia
Although I speak from the position of
looking after a much loved mother, my
experience is also relatable to those of you who
are being called upon to take on a caretaking
role with someone with whom you have a more
distant relationship – perhaps an even hostile
one. If so, it remains an opportunity to grow,
and perhaps even heal old wounds.
5. The Gift of Dementia
Statistics from the American Alzheimer’s
Association indicate the following:
Some form of dementia is the 6th highest
leading cause of death in people over the age of
85 in the US
1 in 8 older Americans have Alzheimer’s
6. The Gift of Dementia
Over 15 million Americans provide home care
for people with some form of dementia
According to Teepa Snow, an expert on
dementia, there are at least 90 known forms of
dementia. They require various kinds of
treatment. (See Resources Section)
7. The Gift of Dementia
At a time when we hope to begin enjoying the
freedom of retirement our world can suddenly
turn upside down by being suddenly
catapulted into a care giving role.
If we aren’t prepared, it is possible to end up
feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted,
sad, angry or resentful. There is another
way though – one that honors all concerned.
8. The Gift of Dementia
Be Open to New Possibilities
Possibility thinking minimizes stress.
When we expand our awareness we open to
happiness.
9. The Gift of Dementia
Be Open to New Possibilities
Contracted states invite stress.
Overactive stress hormones weaken
the immune system.
Sick people do not make good caregivers.
10. The Gift of Dementia
Be Open to New Possibilities
Clarify your boundaries.
Clear boundaries leave
room for the spaciousness
of new possibilities. This is a crucial key to
maintaining a healthy brain.
One of you needs to have one!
11. The Gift of Dementia
Be Open to New Possibilities
Our brains are designed for novelty. Having
really clear boundaries allows the brain
freedom to explore newness. This is not only a
way to find innovative ways to be a healthy
caregiver, but it’s also a great dementia
prevention step for yourself.
13. Key # 1 CLARITY
The most powerful gift I received in my journey
through Mom’s Alzheimer’s was to be
rigorously clear about my own life priorities, so
that I could offer her the best of me.
14. Key #1 CLARITY
Although helping my mom in any way I could
was very important to me, I also knew that no
amount of suffering on my part was going to
stop Mom’s dementia. She would have been
horrified if I damaged my life trying to look
after her.
15. Key #1 CLARITY
Clarify What You Can and Can Not Do
Decide what you CAN DO as a caregiver and
still maintain a healthy, balanced lifestyle. No
one is served if you run yourself into the
ground trying to help someone else. You must
first help yourself. Then you have something of
value to offer.
16. Key #1 CLARITY
Clarify Your Boundaries
Identify what you really WANT TO DO
for your parent. Most of us want to
help ease their pain. Take the time to
be specific about what you really
want to say YES to in your parent’s care.
17. Key #1 CLARITY
Clarify Your Boundaries
Identify what you are NOT WILLING TO DO,
even if you are able to do it. If other family
members are involved it is especially important
to stand up for yourself. Learn to say NO to
what will put your own life balance and health
at risk. If this is challenging for you then it is
an opportunity to create healthy boundaries.
18. Key #1 CLARITY
Clear Focused Intentions Work
Set a clear intention of what you want.
Living from a clearly focused positive
intention is very powerful. It allows your
brain to explore new possibilities
to achieve your goal and keeps
you moving forward.
19. Key #1 CLARITY
Clear Focused Intentions Work
Get very clear about the standard of care you
want for your parent.
20. Key #1 CLARITY
Clear Focused Intentions Work
Even if you want to quit your job and become a
full time caregiver, if you don’t have the
finances to support that decision then it is time
to create a very strong intention to find a good
care home where your parent
will be happy.
21. Key #1 CLARITY
Clear Focused Intentions Work
Create a daily 5 minute practice of visualizing
that care. Use all of your senses to fill in as
many details as possible, including the price,
location and the amenities the home offers.
This allows your brain to search creatively.
Surprising options begin to appear.
22. Key #1 CLARITY
Intentional Thinking Action Steps
Identify the price range she or he can afford.
Understand that your parent will survive in a
subsidized care facility.
Ask your parent’s geriatric specialist what
subsidized care services are available.
23. Key #1 CLARITY
Intentional Thinking Action Steps
Become your parent’s advocate. Be clear about
your wish list and then contact each of those
agencies and continue to ask for exactly what
you want. It is amazing how much is available
that can be obtained by asking.
24. Key #1 CLARITY
Intentional Thinking
Be flexible. Many government agencies are ill
prepared for the influx of patients who need
complex care in assisted living facilities. More
and more private care homes are being built
but not everyone can afford them. If your
parent cannot, then do the best you can within
the choices that are available.
25. Key #1 CLARITY
It is deeply hurtful when we are overwhelmed
by dementia driven attacks from a
parent who demands that you
sacrifice your life to improve hers or his.
It is an unintentional part of the disease: a care
home may be the best solution for all. They
can provide 24/7 care.
26. Key #1 CLARITY
You have a bigger responsibility in midlife: it is
time to become an active role model of how
to live a life of happiness, balance and purpose.
If you ruin your own life in trying to battle a
disease driven demand, nobody wins.
Stand strong in doing what is best for all.
28. Key #2: COMPASSION
“It has been stated many times that survival is
of the fittest, but when one reads Darwin
closely this is not the case. Rather, …… it is “the
survival of the kindest.”
~ James Doty, Washington Post, 03/26/2011
29. Key #2 COMPASSION
His holiness the Dalai Lama states:
“If one wishes to make others happy,
be compassionate;
if one wishes to be happy,
be compassionate.”
30. Key #2 COMPASSION
Relate to the person and not the disease.
Inform yourself about what it is like for the
person with dementia. It is so much easier to
deal with erratic and sometimes heartbreaking
behaviors when you understand what is
happening from her perspective.
31. Key #2 COMPASSION
When you begin to understand all of
the confusing neurological changes
that are going on in her brain you
will see that she often feels under
attack.
It is very scary for her.
32. Key #2 COMPASSION
Recognize that your mood affects your
loved one’s. Leave your stress at the door.
Even when she could barely say 3 coherent
words, my mom would always become
immediately agitated in reaction to someone
else’s negative energy. It felt like a personal
attack to her and jolted her into defense mode.
33. Key #2 COMPASSION
Choose compassionate understanding during
those challenging incidents that could very
likely be a result of your parent’s fearful
reaction to something you or someone else has
unwittingly initiated.
34. Key #2 COMPASSION
Choose compassion with hired Care Givers who
say or do something that upsets you. Frame
your message to them in ways that reflect your
appreciation of the fact that they spend many
hours per week looking after your loved one,
doing the difficult jobs that you aren’t willing
to do. Recognize how challenging their job is.
36. Key #3 A STRONG CREDO
What we believe affects
our thoughts, our attitudes
and our actions.
37. Key #3 A STRONG CREDO
We are not bad people if we don’t take full
responsibility for another person’s life. On
the contrary, we can only take full
responsibility for our own.
Stand strong in your ability to respect the
dignity of someone else’s life path. You don’t
have to fix it. There is nothing to fix.
38. Key #3 A STRONG CREDO
Consider the possibility that there is a much
grander plan for your loved one’s life than
anything you might be able to conceive of. We
are not actually responsible for the experiences
that another person has.
39. KEY #3 A STRONG CREDO
Choose forgiveness instead of resentment,
bitterness or anger. If there are unresolved
issues, take advantage of this opportunity to
work through them. Remember the power of
compassion? Use it to assist you. Get
professional help if you need to. You will be
happier as a result – and so will your loved one.
40. Key #3 A STRONG CREDO
Accept that all experiences are opportunities to
grow. We have no way of knowing what kind of
growth is happening at a soul level, even with
dementia.
Embrace the lessons that you have been gifted
with during the journey. There will be many.
41. An Invitation
I believe that the opportunity to become a
caregiver has nothing to do with dementia or
any other life threatening illness or challenge.
It’s an invitation: an invitation to step up into a
wiser you – the you that you dream of being.
42. An Invitation
It will be different for all of us. Taking even one
step towards finding a better way of caring for
and loving yourself and others will improve not
only your life, but the lives of all those with
whom you come in contact. I can’t think of a
better gift than that.
43. RESOURCES
To find out more on how to create healthy,
loving interactions with your loved one,
contact her geriatric specialist to discover the
kind of dementia she suffers from.
Ask for a list of local support services for her
and you. Support is crucial for both of you.
44. Resources
Google Teepa Snow: www.teepasnow.com
http://www.slideshare.net/HISCSonoma/teepa-snow-
dementia-building-skill-handout (The most thorough
lay person’s guideline I’ve ever come across).
Teepa Snow is a dementia expert who offers very
specific guidelines for healthy interactions with people
with dementia. I heard her speak after my mom
passed away. Had I heard her in Mom’s early stages it
would have reduced my early stress load ten fold.
45. Wendy Terriff is an award winning speaker
who works with Boomer women who are
ready to live in their greatness. Access
Wendy’s FREE ebook – Wisdom Keepers
Book of Quotes.
Go to http:/www.WendyTerriff.com/
Wendy works with midlife women in transition who are
ready to repurpose their gifts and talents and step up into
the active role of being feminine Wisdom Keepers by
harvesting, owning and generously sharing their
experiences and vast wisdom.
