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Marianne	  Sourial	  2011	  
The Book!•  Based	  on	  The	  Five	     Love	  Languages	  by	     Gary	  Chapman.	  •  NY	  Times	  Best	  Seller,	     ...
Quiz Time!•  Answer	  ‘yes’	  or	  ‘no’	  to	  the	  following	     quesKons.	  •  Turn	  over	  your	  sheet-­‐	  stay	  ...
Why is love so important?!•  Psychologists	  conclude	  that	  the	  need	  to	  feel	  loved	  is	  a	  the	  primary	   ...
What is the love tank?!•  heory is that inside each child is Tan “emotional love tank”.•  his tank is waiting to be filled...
We fall in love!•  And	  it	  will	  be	  forever,	  right?	  •  Remember	  that	  euphoria	  you	  felt	  when	  you	  fir...
What happened after thewedding? !•  ou get married! Y• We descend from the clouds andfind that hairs are always in sink an...
What happened after thewedding? !•  The	  fact	  is,	  	  we	  could	  not	  remain	  obsessed	  with	  each	  other	  for...
What are the options?!A.  We	  are	  desKned	  to	  a	  life	  of	  misery	  with	  our	        partners.	  B.	  We	  jump...
“Real love”"!•  An	  intenKonal	  choice	  and	  adtude	  to	  fill	  your	     partner’s	  emoKonal	  love	  tank.	  •  “I...
Enter the Five Love Languages!•  Words	  of	  AffirmaKon	  •  Quality	  Time	  •  Gig	  giving	  •  Acts	  of	  Service	  • ...
What is your primary lovelanguage?!•  Back	  to	  your	  quiz!	  •    Q1-­‐7:	  Words	  of	  AffirmaKon	  •    Q8-­‐14:	  Gi...
1. Words of Affirmation!     “I	  can	  live	  for	  two	  months	  on	  a	  good	  compliment.”	  -­‐Mark	  Twain	  •  Ps...
2. Quality Time!•  Giving	  your	  undivided	  aqenKon	  •  Togetherness	  •  AcKons:	      –  Quality	  conversaKon	  (ta...
3. Gifts!•  Adtude	  of	  love	  is	  always	  accompanied	  by	  gig	  giving	  in	  all	     cultures	  •  AcKons:	     ...
4. Acts of Service!  •  Doing	  the	  things	  your	  partner	  would	  like	  you	  to	  do	    •  E.g	  cooking,	  clean...
A note on Stereotypes" ! •  earning this love language will require letting go of some  L stereotypes about what is the fe...
5. Physical Touch!•  Signs	  of	  communicaKng	  love	  •  TacKle	  receptors	  send	  impulses	  to	  the	  brain,	  caus...
So you have different languages?!•  His	  primary	  love	  language	  is	  Acts	  of	  Service,	  so	  he	  works	  hard	 ...
Choice!•  What	  if	  my	  partners	  love	  language	  does	  not	     come	  easily	  to	  me?	  Answer-­‐	  So	  what!	...
How to become multilingual!•    You	  can	  learn	  to	  express	  all	  types	  of	  love	  languages	  •    Look	  out	 ...
Christ was a Master" !•  Christ	  was	  the	  master	  of	  love	  languages.	  	  •  He	  did:	      •  Physical	  touch-...
Some homework…!•  Tank	  Check	  Game	  •  “On	  a	  scale	  of	  0-­‐10,	  with	  zero	  being	  empty	  and	     10	  be...
THANK YOU!             Marianne	  Sourial	  2011	  
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The Five Love Languages

  1. 1. Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  2. 2. The Book!•  Based  on  The  Five   Love  Languages  by   Gary  Chapman.  •  NY  Times  Best  Seller,   5  million  copies  sold.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  3. 3. Quiz Time!•  Answer  ‘yes’  or  ‘no’  to  the  following   quesKons.  •  Turn  over  your  sheet-­‐  stay  tuned!   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  4. 4. Why is love so important?!•  Psychologists  conclude  that  the  need  to  feel  loved  is  a  the  primary   emoKonal  need  in  all  human  beings.  •  For  love,  people  will  climb  mountains,  cross  seas,  traverse  desert  lands   and  endure  total  hardship.  For  love  people  even  give  their  lives!  •  There  is  no  one  on  the  planet  devoid  of  this  need.  •  The  need  for  love  meets  our  need  to  feel  wanted,  and  to  feel  like  we   belong.  At  the  heart  of  mankinds  existence  is  the  desire  to  be  inKmate   and  be  loved  by  another.    •  IsolaKon  is  devastaKng  to  the  human  psyche  (solitary  confinement).    •  Christ  wanted  love  to  be  the  disKnguishing  characterisKc  of  His  followers.  •  Even  St.  Paul  exalted  love  when  he  indicated  that  any  accomplishments   that  are  void  of  love  are  in  the  end  empty  (1  Cor  13:13)  •  Most  religions  are  about  love.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  5. 5. What is the love tank?!•  heory is that inside each child is Tan “emotional love tank”.•  his tank is waiting to be filled Twith love.• t follows into adulthood. I•  here are many ways to fill the Tlove tank (God, spouse, family,friends).•  elationships and marriage are Rone of the ways to meet our adultneed for love and intimacy.•  o what are we running on? Full, Sempty or somewhere in between?•  ow loved do you feel? H Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  6. 6. We fall in love!•  And  it  will  be  forever,  right?  •  Remember  that  euphoria  you  felt  when  you  first  met  your   spouse?  You  went  to  sleep  thinking  of  each  other,  they  were   the  first  thing  on  your  mind  in  the  morning.  You  would  day   dream  about  them  all  day.  You  loved  holding  hands.  You   dreamed  of  marriage  and  bliss.  You  were  going  to  make  each   other  supremely  happy!  Remember?  •  It  actually  was  a  physical  feeling  too-­‐  excitement.  •  We  know  intellectually  we  will  have  differences,  but  we  are   certain  we  will  always  reach  agreement.  •  It  fills  our  emoKonal  love  tank.  •  And  then…     Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  7. 7. What happened after thewedding? !•  ou get married! Y• We descend from the clouds andfind that hairs are always in sink andthe toilet roll is always the wrongway. The lid is always up. Shoes donot walk to the closest and drawersdo not close themselves. Socks gomissing in the wash.• t is Ground Zero! I Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  8. 8. What happened after thewedding? !•  The  fact  is,    we  could  not  remain  obsessed  with  each  other  for  long!  •  Psychologists  now  call  these  early  years  ‘limerence’-­‐  not  love  (Peck,   Tennov).  According  to  science  this  stage  in  a  relaKonship  lasts  about   two  years.  •  So  you  wake  up  from  this  two  year  utopia,  and  realise  you  and  your   partner  are  sKll  two  individuals  who  have  not  melted  together.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  9. 9. What are the options?!A.  We  are  desKned  to  a  life  of  misery  with  our   partners.  B.  We  jump  ship  and  try  again.  C.  We  can  recognise  the  in-­‐love  experience  for   what  it  is-­‐  temporary  and  now  pursue  “real   love”  with  our  partners.  (Disclaimer:  OpKon  3  involves  an  intenKonal  act  of  will,  requires  discipline  and  personal  growth.)   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  10. 10. “Real love”"!•  An  intenKonal  choice  and  adtude  to  fill  your   partner’s  emoKonal  love  tank.  •  “I  am  married  to  you  and  I  choose  to  look  out   for  your  interests.  I  choose  to  love  you,   because  you  are  worthy  of  my  love.”   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  11. 11. Enter the Five Love Languages!•  Words  of  AffirmaKon  •  Quality  Time  •  Gig  giving  •  Acts  of  Service  •  Physical  Touch   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  12. 12. What is your primary lovelanguage?!•  Back  to  your  quiz!  •  Q1-­‐7:  Words  of  AffirmaKon  •  Q8-­‐14:  Gig  Giving  •  Q15-­‐21:  Quality  Time  •  Q22-­‐28:  Acts  of  Service  •  Q29-­‐35:  Physical    Touch  •  Swap  with  your  partner  :  what  is  their  primary  love  language?  Other  ways  to  know:  •  Recall  the  most  painful  Kmes  in  your  relaKonship,  what  were   they  about?  •  What  have  you  most  requested  from  your  spouse?  •  In  what  ways  do  you  regularly  express  love  to  your  spouse?   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  13. 13. 1. Words of Affirmation! “I  can  live  for  two  months  on  a  good  compliment.”  -­‐Mark  Twain  •  Psychologist  William  James  said,  “One  of  the  deepest   human  needs  is  to  feel  appreciated.”  •  AcKons:     •  Compliments  &  words  of  appreciaKon   •  Words  of  encouragement   •  Kind  words   •  Humble  words  •  Not  about  verbal  flaqery  to  get  what  you  want,  but  about   doing  something  for  the  well-­‐being  of  the  one  you  love.   •  “Why  is  the  garbage  not  out,  the  flies  will  help  you  take   it  out”  v’s  “I  appreciate  when  you  help  around  the   house,  would  you  mind  taking  the  garbage  out  also?”   ReacKons:   –  Creates  inKmacy   –  Brings  out  the  full  potenKal  of  your  partner   –  Heals  wounds   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  14. 14. 2. Quality Time!•  Giving  your  undivided  aqenKon  •  Togetherness  •  AcKons:   –  Quality  conversaKon  (talking  and   listening)  (Holy  Hour)   –  Dead  Sea  and  the  Babbling  Brook   –  Spend  Kme  together  in  joint  and   meaningful  acKviKes  (Date  Night)  •  ReacKons:   –  Enjoyment  of  each  other   –  InKmacy  through  deeply  sharing   and  knowing  each  other.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  15. 15. 3. Gifts!•  Adtude  of  love  is  always  accompanied  by  gig  giving  in  all   cultures  •  AcKons:   –  Visual  symbols  of  love   –  Purchased  or  made/  Expensive  or  inexpensive   –  Gig  of  self:  presence  and  availability  •  ReacKons:   –  Demonstrates  you  care   –  Represents  the  value  of  your  relaKonships   Note  to  Savers   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  16. 16. 4. Acts of Service! •  Doing  the  things  your  partner  would  like  you  to  do   •  E.g  cooking,  cleaning,  sedng  the  table,  dishes,  mowing  the   lawns,  ironing,  taking  out  the  garbage   •  Tasks  take  effort,  Kme  and  energy  and  express  love   •  To  be  freely  given,  not  demanded   •  ReacKon:   •  Sense  of  importance  in  the  other   •  Creates  a  sense  of  team  work,  sharing  in  life  together   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  17. 17. A note on Stereotypes" ! •  earning this love language will require letting go of some L stereotypes about what is the female vs the male role. •  ou will need to let go of what your mother or father did while Y you were growing up •  here are no rewards in maintaining stereotypes, only pain. T •  o what is necessary, even if it means changing diapers. D Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  18. 18. 5. Physical Touch!•  Signs  of  communicaKng  love  •  TacKle  receptors  send  impulses  to  the  brain,  causing  pleasure  •  AcKons:   –  Touching   –  Kissing   –  Holding  each  other   –  Sexual  inKmacy  •  ReacKons:   –  Being  cared  for   –  Being  loved   –  Security     •  A  note  to  men  •  “I  didn’t  grow  up  in  a  touchy  family”  •  Limited  by  your  imaginaKon!   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  19. 19. So you have different languages?!•  His  primary  love  language  is  Acts  of  Service,  so  he  works  hard  to   support  the  family,  keeps  the  house  and  car  in  good  repair,  mows   the  lawn,  and  takes  out  the  garbage.  His  wife  thinks  he  doesn’t  love   her  because  he  never  brings  her  flowers  (Gigs)  or  tells  her  he  loves   her  (Words  of  AffirmaKon).  He  feels  unloved  because  her  verbal   praise  and  gigs  are  meaningless  to  him;  he  wants  her  to  do  things   for  him  the  way  he  does  things  for  her.  •  Recognise  they  have  different  love  languages.  •  He  must  realise  she  does  not  need  Acts  of  Service,  but  Gigs  &     Words  of  AffirmaKon  to  convince  her  she  is  loved.  •  She  must  realise  he  needs  Acts  of  Service.  •  They  both  must  choose  to  provide  evidence  to  their  spouse  of  their   love  through  their  love  language,  not  their  own.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  20. 20. Choice!•  What  if  my  partners  love  language  does  not   come  easily  to  me?  Answer-­‐  So  what!  •  I  can  choose  to  meet  the  needs  of  my  spouse   and  fill  his/her  emoKonal  love  tank.  •  True  lasKng  emoKonal  love  is  a  choice.  •  If  each  partner  chose  this  for  the  well  being  of   the  other,  would  we  not  have  this  bliss  we   were  ager?   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  21. 21. How to become multilingual!•  You  can  learn  to  express  all  types  of  love  languages  •  Look  out  for  what  language  others  speak  •  Then,  do  it!  •  Think  of  the  benefits-­‐  spouse,  parents,  children  and  even  at   work  and  in  your  service.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  22. 22. Christ was a Master" !•  Christ  was  the  master  of  love  languages.    •  He  did:   •  Physical  touch-­‐  think  of  the  healing  of  the  leper.   •  Gigs-­‐  He  gave  us  treasures  on  earth  and  heaven.   He  gave  us  the  Holy  Spirit.   •  Acts  of  Service-­‐    He  fed  the  mulKtudes  and   washed  the  feet  of  His  disciples   •  Quality  Kme-­‐  His  Holy  Spirit  present  with  us.   •  Words  of  AffirmaKon-­‐His  Word     Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  23. 23. Some homework…!•  Tank  Check  Game  •  “On  a  scale  of  0-­‐10,  with  zero  being  empty  and   10  being  “I  am  so  full,  I  need  no  more  love.”  •  “What  can  I  do  to  help  fill  it?  •  Swap  over  •  Then  do  it!  •  PrescripKon,  play  twice  a  week  unKl  our  next   meeKng.   Marianne  Sourial  2011  
  24. 24. THANK YOU! Marianne  Sourial  2011  
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