It will take more than an article – or even a mountain of books – to discuss the task of rebuilding marriage after an affair, or to cover even a small part of the issues that arise from this painful situation. But we need something to begin with. This article was written both for those who suffered an affair and those who have or had an affair themselves.

1. Survive An Affair And Rebuild Your Marriage
By Renata Palfy
It will take more than an article – or even a mountain of books – to discuss the task of rebuilding
marriage after an affair, or to cover even a small part of the issues that arise from this painful
situation. But we need something to begin with. This article was written both for those who
suffered an affair and those who have or had an affair themselves.
Most people cannot imagine having a normal marriage after an affair. After discovering that
their spouse was unfaithful, the first reaction of most people is to get a divorce (or kill their
spouse, more like).
Should I Get A Divorce?
A divorce is certainly a legitimate way to deal with the situation. The betrayed spouse has every
right to decide that this relationship is over. The cheating spouse may choose to live with the
lover, and if the reason for infidelity was suffering abuse on the hands of the betrayed spouse,
this decision is easy to understand.
But, believe it or not, most affairs do not lead to divorce. In fact, most couples make efforts to
reconcile, and often succeed. Your marriage can survive an affair. Healing from infidelity is hard
work – both must be committed to reviving the relationship and rebuilding the lost feelings of
love and trust.
Avoid Seeing Your Lover
For a start, the cheating spouse must promise to stop the affair and sever all contacts with the
lover right away. How can you restore the love to your spouse when the lover is still hanging
around? All meetings, phone calls and forum chats must stop. If you and your former lover work
in the same place, keep your encounters strictly formal.
In addition, the cheating spouse must express a plan to demonstrate his or her commitment to
the promise to stop the affair. If your ex- lover contacts you or if you bump into each other on
the street, you better tell your spouse about it before they find out about in from someone else.

2. I believe you already know that constant lying is extremely tiresome. This is the time to start
being honest with your spouse.
The cheating spouse might find that the first few weeks of separation from the lover can be very
painful. It’s like an addiction, and separation has led to a compulsive craving accompanied by
anxiety and depression. However, if you stick to your decision not to communicate with your
lover, those feelings will gradually subside. It might take a few weeks, but it’s absolutely
necessary to stick to your decision if you want to revive your feelings for your spouse and repair
your marriage.
Take Responsibility and Apologize
Unfortunately, most affairs do not end with the cheating spouse’s choice to end the relationship
with their lover. That’s why the recovery stage usually begins with much bitterness from both
sides. Strange as it may seem, it’s very common that the cheating spouse doesn’t feel remorse
at all. And it’s also very common for the betrayed spouse to feel that it wasn’t his or her fault.
Neither is ready to take responsibility and apologize, preferring to blame the other side.
Of course, an apology is not really necessary. But it can certainly make the process of rebuilding
your relationship much easier. The unfaithful spouse should apologize for the infidelity and
lying. The betrayed spouse should also apologize for having failed to meet important emotional
needs, which might has led to the affair.
Talk About Your Marriage
But in many cases, the blame for not meeting each other’s needs prior to the affair lies with
both spouses, so that the relationship is mutually unsatisfying. Many have no idea what their
partner expects from them and their relationship and how to meet each other’s emotional
needs. Each of the spouses should talk about his or her feelings, and to explain what was
missing in the relationship from their point of view. You should know what went wrong before
repairing it, right? But try not to make accusative speeches. Speak in a sincere, calm tone. And if
you can, try to maintain physical contact. It’s much harder to throw accusations and insults at a
person while you’re hugging them. Can’t possibly think of hugging this person right now? That’s
understandable. Try to sit as close as possible to each other. Don’t talk in a formal-like
environment, like sitting on the opposite sides of the table. Sit cozily together on a couch. These
details might sound silly, but believe me, they help to create the atmosphere considerably.

3. Don’t Dwell on Past Mistakes
After apologizing to each other, both should concentrate on the task of rebuilding their
relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of the past. Once you decided to give the
relationship one more chance, both spouses should take responsibility for the task and make
every effort to rebuild the marriage. Trying to make the unfaithful spouse feel guilty won’t help
your marriage. Guilt will turn to resentment and resentment will turn to anger. The best thing
both can do is to ignore the past as much as possible, and focus on what you can do to repair
the damage.
So the first and crucial step a couple should take is to lay down the weapons. The second step
for both spouses is to “compensate” each other by meeting each other’s unmet emotional or
physical needs that may have given the unfaithful spouse an excuse to have an affair. Of course,
nothing can really compensate for infidelity. But it’s much more logical to forgive your spouse
after he or she makes an effort to rebuild your marriage.
Spend Time With Your Spouse
The couple should spend time together every week (without family or friends), whether going
out or doing things together at home, like cooking together. You probably don’t feel like you
want to be together right now. However, it is crucial for both to get to know each other from
anew and to listen to each other. So when together, both should avoid expressing anger and
demands. Try treating each other with gentleness and consideration. Simply be together.
Talking About the Affair
Another important issue is talking about the details of the affair. It is natural for the betrayed
spouse to want to know the details. It is also natural to hesitate to ask for those details, because
hearing about it might make us feel even worse. So, should the spouses talk about the affair?
Many marriage specialists are of the opinion that they should, claiming that couples that “talk
about it” have more chances to successfully rebuild their relationship and the trust between
them. There’s much truth in that. But in reality, we are all different. While some might be strong
enough to hear the bitter details, others need some more time to heal. Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a
well-known marriage specialist, believes that it won’t do any good trying to speed up the
process of healing by forcing the details of the affair from your spouse and ignoring your

4. resentment. The unfaithful spouse might find it difficult to speak about it too, by the way,
fearing the reaction, and not wanting to give the betrayed spouse another chance to make
him/her feel guilty again.
It doesn’t mean that the couple should act as if nothing happened. Both may agree not to talk
about it for the moment until both are ready. Take your time, and when you feel you’re ready,
try to talk about it and see how it goes. And you don’t have to talk about everything right now.
You can discuss a bit now, and a bit more later. It is a big thing to digest.
Reviving Your Sex-Life
Now, let’s say a few words about the intimacy issue. Rekindling the sexual passion between the
spouses might take a while. Imagining your spouse with his or her lover is unbearable, and many
torment themselves wondering whether their spouse compares their body and sexual
performances with those of the former lover. Who can make love feeling like that?!
It might take about half a year after the affair for desire to return. The unfaithful spouse
shouldn’t expect much from their partner sexually. Show some consideration and give them a
chance to overcome their negative feelings.
Overcoming Resentment
Even if you truly and sincerely forgave your spouse and rebuilt your relationship, resentment
often lingers on. A blow is that is hard to forget, and many find that the memory of the affair
haunts them decades after it happened.
Resentment is a normal reaction. A betrayed spouse has to deal with the unbearable memories
of the pain and the lies. However, when there is no longer danger for another affair and the
marriage was successfully rebuilt, this reaction might ruin the reconciliation.
We cannot actually forget what happened. But we can overcome the resentment. It fades over
time as long as nothing similar happens and both spouses learn to build a physically and
emotionally satisfying relationship.
Summary

5. Let’s sum this up. The most crucial factor in successfully rebuilding marriage after an affair is
actually the same factor that enables couples to maintain a stable relationship in ordinary
circumstances: both should want this to happen and be ready to work for it. Each has a right to
decide that he or she is not interested to make this effort, but once both decide they want to
give themselves once more chance despite all that had happened, it is a mutual responsibility to
do whatever they can to help each other heal, and to create a warm, satisfying relationship that
will make both of you think twice before endangering it in any way in the future.