Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes are High
•Transferir como PPTX, PDF•
2 gostaram•1,592 visualizações
Based on Kerry Patterson's model of handling Crucial Conversation, this presentation is focused. In our work, relationships are the priority of life. Conversations help us care for our relationships with talking and listening. The quality of your life comes from the quality of your dialogues and conversations. Most conversations are easy. As humans we are natural relationship builders. But what about those times when the conversations aren’t so easy to have. That is where skills for handling Crucial Conversations come in.
Recomendados
Mais conteúdo relacionado
Mais procurados
Mais procurados (20)
Destaque
Semelhante a Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes are High
Semelhante a Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes are High (20)
Mais de Signature HealthCARE Spirituality Pillar
Mais de Signature HealthCARE Spirituality Pillar (16)
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes are High
- 1. Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes are High
- 2. What is a Difficult Conversation? – Stakes are high – Opinions vary – Emotions run strong
- 3. How can we respond? • Avoid them • Face them and handle them poorly • Face them and handle them well
- 4. Ironically… • The more difficult the conversation • The less likely we are to handle it well
- 5. Why is this? • We hold onto it until… – We drop a bomb
- 6. Negative Defaults • Silence • Violence
- 7. How do we escape this dynamic? • Stay in dialogue • Fill the pool of shared meaning – Ideas, theories, thoughts, that are openly shared – The group’s IQ
- 8. Filling the Pool • The more water the better • Use wisdom and discernment • Where have you seen this approach used?
- 9. Start with Heart • Work on Me First • Change of Heart > Change of Motive • How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want
- 10. Learn to Look • How to notice when safety is at risk
- 11. Silence – Types of Silence • Masking • Avoiding • Withdrawing
- 12. Violence • Any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view: – Controlling – Labeling – Attacking
- 13. Look for your own style under stress • What is your style under stress?
- 14. Making It Safe to Talk about Almost Anything • Not the content, but the conditions • The conditions we want to create: – Mutual purpose – Mutual Respect
- 15. CRIB to get Mutual Purpose • Commit to seek a mutual purpose • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy • Invent a mutual purpose • Brainstorm new ideas
- 16. Staying in Dialogue When We are… • Angry, Scared, or Hurt – Master your story • Victim • Villain • Helpless
- 17. STATE your Path • How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively – Share your facts – Tell your story – Ask for other’s paths – Talk tentatively – Encourage testing
- 18. Explore Others’ Paths: • How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up • Power listening tools: AMPP – Ask to get things rolling – Mirror to confirm feelings – Paraphrase to acknowledge the story – Prime when you’re getting nowhere
- 19. When it’s your turn to talk… • Remember your ABC’s • Agree. When you do • Build: When something has been left out • Compare: When you differ
- 20. Move to Action • Four methods of decision making – Command – Consult – Vote – Consensus
- 21. Make a Plan • Who • What • When • Set a follow up • Record the commitment • Hold people accountable
- 22. The Big Takeaways • Learn to Look • Make it Safe
- 23. Resources • Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, New York : McGraw-Hill, ©2002.
Notas do Editor
- In our work, relationships are the priority of life. Conversations help us care for our relationships with talking and listening. The quality of your life comes from the quality of your dialogues and conversations. Most conversations are easy. As humans we are natural relationship builders. But what about those times when the conversations aren’t so easy to have. That’s where this comes in. Following from the work of Patterson’s Crucial Conversations, I want to give you some tools that will help you think about what you really want to say when handling difficult conversations. It’s all about honest dialogue. I won’t be teaching any techniques that are manipulative or maneuvering. More so, it is about taking the moral high ground in a difficult circumstance. This book is based on 25 years of research with 20,000 people and hundreds of organizations.
- We often hold things inside by going silent until we can take it no longer—and then we drop a bomb.
- In short, we move between silence and violence we either don’t handle the conversation, or don’t handle it well. We may not become physically violent, but we do attack others’ ideas and feelings. When we fail a difficult conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected—from our careers, to our communities, to our relationships, to our personal health.
- Dialogue is the free flow of meaning between two or more people. At the center of dialogue lies a Pool of Shared Meaning. This pool contains the ideas, theories, feelings, thoughts, and opinions that are openly shared. The more information we have in the pool, the better prepared we are to make decisions and get results.
- The more information in the pool, the better for everyone. Allowing space for ideas—even ones that at first glance are controversial, wrong, or at adds with our beliefs can help strengthen the dialogue. Anything less than total candor shrinks the shared pool, saps motivation, and dumbs down decisions. Later we will need to use wisdom and discernment as we decide how to draw from that pool. Taking time to fill the pool leads to faster and more effective results than the game-playing that inevitably follows silence and violence strategies. Dialogue takes time. The alternative takes longer. Another strength of the pool is that it is SHARED. Everyone has an investment because the pool of meaning is shared. Where have you seen this approach used? What happens when the pool is dangerously low?
- Work on Me First How do we encourage the flow of meaning in the face of strong emotions and differing opinion? People can change. It just takes work. There’s no pill or potion that will instantly make you a complete expert at difficult conversations. But, it can happen, if we are willing to take a long, hard look at yourself. The first principle of dialogue: good open, honest dialogue is to start with heart. That is, your own heart. If we don’t get our heart right, we won’t get the dialogue right. And when the conversation gets stressful, we’ll default with the forms of communication that we may have grown up with—debate, silent treatment, manipulation, etc, This comes from realizing that as much fun as it would be to fix other people, we’ll be more successful to work on ourselves first. We need to examine our personal role in any problem we encounter. Change in Motive Our next change in heart comes with a change in motive. As we find ourselves forgetting our original goal of candidly and honestly adding meaning to the pool and instead striving to look good, win, or achieve some other unhealthy objective, we need to ask ourselves, “What do I really want?” Stay focused In a difficult conversation decide that you want to stay and stick to that: Set your goal Examine your motives When emotions run high, remember your goal. Stop and ask questions that return you to dialogue What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?
- When a conversation turns difficult, we either miss or misinterpret the early warning signs. The sooner we notice we’re not in dialogue, the quicker we can get back to dialogue, and the lower the cost. As you pull out of the content of a conversation and learn to look for the conditions of dialogue, pay attention to early warning signs. When people feel threatened they move toward silence or violence
- The three ways that people move down the pass of silence are masking: Masking Avoiding Withdrawing
- Learn to look for when a conversation becomes difficult, for signs of silence and violence, and for your own style under stress. When a conversation becomes stressful we end up doing the exact opposite of what works A large part of this is watching your actions and emotions, as well as the actions and emotions of the other person. Paying attention to both the content of the discussion and how people are acting and feeling is no easy task. But it’s an essential part of dialogue.
- When things go wrong in difficult conversations, we assume the content of our message is the problem, so we begin to water it down or avoid it altogether. But, as long as your intent is pure and you learn how to make it safe for others, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. The key is to make the other person feel safe. To do this, there are two things the person needs to know. First, they need to know that you care about their best interests and goals. This is called mutual purpose. Second, they need to know that you care about them. This is called mutual respect. When people believe both of these things, they relax and can absorb what you’re saying; they feel safe. The instant they don’t believe them (and it can happen instantaneously – even with those we have long and loving relationships with), safety breaks down and silence or violence follows. To restore safety in the face of silence or violence, you must restore mutual purpose and respect.
- How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt When we become upset, our most common reaction is to defend ourselves and place the blame on someone else. As convenient as it is to blame others for pushing our buttons and causing us to become upset, it’s not exactly true. The key to how we feel lies in the stories we tell. These stories consist of our guess as to why people do what they do. As we become emotional, our story seems to be “What is the worst and most hurtful way I can take this?” This negative spin escalates our emotions and causes us to do the worst when it matters the most. To break away from your volatile emotions, you must rethink the conclusions you drew and the judgments you made. That requires you to tell the rest of the story. New (more accurate and complete) stories create new feelings and support new and healthier actions. Better still, new stories often encourage you to return to dialogue.
- To speak your mind completely in a way that allows room for dialogue, you must express your views in ways that maintain safety, and you have to find a way to be both confident and humble. You have to know how to speak without offending and how to be persuasive without being abrasive. The five skills contained in this chapter help us do just that – to confidently state our opinions and humbly and sincerely invite others to do the same. The five skills that help us share our tough messages can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for: Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths Talk tentatively Encourage testing
- Now that you have listened, what if you disagree? Someone’s facts may be wrong? Or their story is completely fouled up, then what do you do?
- If we first learn to recognize when safety is at risk and a conversation becomes difficult and that we need to take steps to Make It Safe for everyone to contribute his or her meaning, we can begin to see where to apply the skills we’ve learned. Using these tools and reminders will get us started in mastering the skills that help us improve our difficult conversations.