A tongue-in-cheek look at politics of the work place

1. The Perils of Inbreeding: Some Lessons from Paradasia and Purgatoria1
Shantanu Basu
Presided over by Lord Charonstyx III, the fabled hamlet of Paradasia was a thriving
cosmopolitan hamlet two centuries ago. Its decline began with Charonstyx V and VI from
1997-2022 AD. While the former rechristened his kingdom Purgatoria, the latter decreed that
inbreeding only among its people would henceforth be allowed to preserve the purity of the
race. Ear and mouth plugs replaced rings and bracelets. Then the decline began – now they
are no more. Why did this happen? I decided to delve into the depths of time and the Net for
an answer. Here are my findings.
www.thefreedictionary.com provides an interesting two-fold definition of the term
„inbreeding‟:
1. The breeding of related individuals within an isolated or a closed group of organisms or
people.
2. The continued breeding of closely related individuals so as to preserve desirable traits in a
stock.
Wikipedia supplements by defining a condition of inbreeding depression being “the
reduced fitness in a given population as a result of breeding of related individuals. It is often
the result of a population bottleneck. In general, the higher the genetic variation within a
breeding population, the less likely it is to suffer from inbreeding depression.” I have read of
tigers dying out owing to excessive inbreeding and bigger issues relating to the biosphere.
But did Paradasians decline to Purgatarians (I shall call them the Purgs, as in mundane human
physiological systemic purges) from this condition? Having assiduously trawled the Net
methinks the answer lies positively in the affirmative. Here‟s how.
Purgs were products of a cattle-fertilization system that did not distinguish between
botanists, linguists, vocalists, historians, men of law, engineers, doctors, etc. so long as they
delivered milk and birthed more cows. The great marvel of a Purg‟s breaking-in was the
process of unlearning. Multi-skilling was the name of the game – Jack of all trades, master of
none, goes the saying. God save a Purg if your engineering or medical degree showed up in
your career………God‟s too small to pray for mercy from then!
Unlearning ran in tandem with a process called re-learning. Such re-learning included,
but was not limited to, new Android terms and variations thereof, the world revolving around
negative prefixes, basic grammar, body language including the archetypal stoop, and above
all a set of robotically human crutches affectionately referred to as Adjustable Object
supported by Against All Odds who became the Purgs‟ alter egos as Purgs swore and lived by
them, even controlled the Purgs‟ involuntary flexing of facial and other muscles and organs
like the tongue, lungs, liver and intestines.
Domestication of a baby Purg began in the remote hills, for penitence for past sins
(and rebirth as a Purg) must be washed closest to their Makers. Greenhorn Purgs were
initiated into their lifetime of serfdom under the stentorian glare of a Vetus Fogey ably
assisted by assistants, Adjustable Object and Against All Odds. The Adjustable Object and
Against All Odds erupted from a mega virus-hit computer program that controlled Purgatoria
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This feature was authored in 2025 AD
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2. and its Purgs, reminiscent of contemporary Hollywood‟s Terminator. Unfortunately, Purgs
were not built like ole‟ Arnie to take these men/women on!
Vetus Fogey and his able assistants preached pious homilies by rote even as the world
around the Purgs rapidly changed. The baby Purgs had their spinae funibus reshaped, with the
crowning glory reserved for cerebrum immutatio manu and Purgidex courses in Purgese, the
national language. For instance a typical homily ran thus, “Thou shalt, repeat SHALT, smear
others with the products of your own physiological purges.” In other words, Purgataria must
prevail over Paradasia, even if others believed otherwise. Some classic breaking-in examples
included, but were not limited to, non-taxable spirits and smokes, Purgedes cars even outside
Purgataria, calorie-rich alimentation and beverages, a token of appreciation or two,
complimentary stay in Purgotels, etc, all by courtesy of non-Purgatarians. The Purgalian
Monks in the Hills thus ensured that the process of unlearning struck deep roots, even in the
rootless Purgian system whose joie de vivre was counting golden balls on the right side of the
decimal point ad infinitum…….the more the merrier!
The instruments for student compliance range from ducking stools to thumbscrews,
oral flagellation, et al followed by branding and pillory, recalcitrance being awarded the
guillotine from the community. Come graduation day, or a fortuitous escape, the Vetus Fogey
awarded the Purg Graduatio Gratus to the bewildered young Purg, over clothed in a
graduation cap and gown, with the feel-good bonus of a red ribbon and medal in recognition
of his having imbibed the „finest traditions‟ of Purgs. He was told to lead the phalanx into the
field of battle with his instruments of professional coquetry and able deputies, Adjustable
Object and Against All Odds. Any attempt to go against their will would invite the wrath of
the Tyrannosaurus upon a junior Purg, already overwhelmed by the Tyrannosaurus‟s sudden
deafness and paralyzed hands. Even computer programs like BoxOffice were rewritten to
accommodate their Purgese. Thus was a botanist or historian broken in to be a Purg, the reins
remaining firmly in the hands of the crutches till passing into eternity or severance did the
three apart.
However, these did not necessarily imply that induction surgery was a one-time effort
for Purgs. Indeed, it was a lifelong one, complete with steel plates under the cheeks and on
the rump, mini-ear plugs to reduce incoming ambient noise and its attendant undesirable
effects on the cerebrum. Hide thickener administered in innumerable gratis cups of
Purgatorial hot beverages and succulent culinary delights straight from the Purganalia gruau
cuisines made for radiant and glowing armor, never mind the squalor and filth around. The
Purgs even had PurgMobiles, PurgAutos, PurgBooks and Purg V-Nets assigned to them that
serve a triple purpose. For one, it helped Tyrannosaurus Purgs to keep an eye on errant young
Purgs. For the other, it made sure that the young Purgs helped the Adjustable Object and
Against All Odds at work and not bother the Tyrannosaurus Purgs about such mundane
events. Moreover, these served the limited purpose of preserving the Purg‟s leg muscles to
deliver the kick when shove comes to landing a strategically aimed kick on the right quarters
in Purgatorian politics. For a bonus, V-Net even allowed unfettered exchange of gossip and
peccadilloes of fellow Purgs! Gender imbalance against the feline of the species in the Purg
community was governed by the socialistic Purgian theorem of induced mutation and natural
balance. After the first decade or so in the community the average Purg naturally mutated into
the opposite gender, mostly metaphorically, and hey presto! The balance was restored! After
all, balance is what Purgs variously define it as.
So far I have limitedly dwelt above about the Purgs‟ source of reservoirs of energy.
Now I shall address their negative energy. However, I may caution that Body Mass Index
(BMI) was in direct proportion to the „weight‟ of the professional portfolio of a Purg. The
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3. average Purg‟s BMI was generally below 18, with years of gorging on treats ranging from
rolled breads on bus/rail station platforms with generous dollops of Martian gooey, topped
with a drink of tamarind water. However, decreed super Purgs made do with BMI of 30 or
more, what with one man-one standard applied to them by decree.
In haste to make hay while Puragtorio were still there, super Purgs „managed‟
„weightier‟ job portfolios, in Purgatorio and foreign shores by decree, while the ratty ones
eternally remained in hope of redemption at a futuristically future date. Failing kidneys and
hearts of spouses, other „medical conditions‟ for Toms including, but not limited to, kidneys
and hearts, feline family feelings (the Toms are not supposed to have them) – indeed some
were more equal than most others when it came to choosing between home town or a hill
station in Purgatoria for professional relaxation or enrichment!
Super Purgs indulged themselves at hosts‟ expense with exotica ranging from fish
meuniere, chipotle roast meat, stuffed breast of turkey and a succulent Drambuie pudding
washed down with a Chardonnay or a Merlot and a couple of shots of Cointreau, maybe a
Cohiba too for a digestive. A potentially disruptive pessimistic digestion was addressed by a
healthy shot of Purgatidine, provided by the Purgatorio Health Plan addressed such minor
irritations – well in time for ham, bacon, frankfurters, pancakes, etc. for breakfast and an
equally nourishing mid-morning and afternoon tea and „snakes‟, all at the host‟s expense.
After all, the host yet vainly believed that these were a good investment in their future
without realizing that incremental gastronomic input was in direct proportion to the rising
level of gastronomica exotica, all for a sea of Purgian mediocrus emeritus.
Air-conditioned hotel rooms, self-preservation by alimentation allowance, lifting
spirits, calorific accompanying „snakes‟, desert safaris, dune bashing, a night out in the
desert, invigorating ethnic massages, mid-year breaks in cottages in the hills, golf and tennis
tourneys, an overseas assignment, et al, made a Purg healthily and monetarily bountiful.
Physical activity confined to four steps a day to and from the PurgAuto, burden of a notebook
and bag to and from the car, gratis high-calorie meals/ „snakes‟ duly supervised by a
dietician, a sofa on wheels in office and the air conditioning duct aimed strategically at the
Purg‟s head – to induce deep slumber – compensated for the elegance of a spa at work. To
compensate for any feeling of guilt there was a gym too. Whoever said the Purgs were not the
triumvirs of modern Purgatoria?
Notwithstanding their generally traditional stoop occasioned by large frontal
protrusions extending from below the chest and up to the groin, Purgs traditionally avoided
direct look-backs at a fellow Purg or non-Purg business associate/client, preferring
conspiratorial, even furtive, tangential glances. Their surgically-induced dour and humorless
visages were extended by furrowed eyebrows, inability to greet a fellow Purg in equally
vertical posture, and frozen funny muscles – a tribute to the stillness of time for them. Their
bulbous noses were their universe with their visual add-ons ensuring visibility up to their
noses alone as they selectively ferreted „data‟ from mouse-holes in their clients‟ armor.
Needless to add, Purgs were always ostrichically right, with hindsight adding punch to their
Styxar-winning performances that Charon invariably awarded at the Satania Theatre in Las
Hellas. Never mind what the Hadic Times or the Infernal Express said in their critical
editorials and features for these were but minor itches on the back.
PurgBook and Purgitter lists of friends too were almost entirely from within their
fraternity for it was blasphemous to share secrets beyond the Great Purg Pyramid. Tweets too
were extraordinarily analytical, for instance, blaming the Wild West wind for a missed catch
at a cricket match at the Gabba or assiduously pouring over online disclosures of personal
real estate by fellow Purgs. Inbreeding by royal decree ensured that Purgs‟ families were not
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4. left out of such debates and they were duly complemented for their absence of a body organ,
tinny voice, high-paying jobs, less than average academic performance, et al. Purgs debated
these and many other professional issues extensively, even for decades, so that the purr-fect
decision emerged - never mind an occasional organizational physiological aberration or
unanticipated historical irrelevance. In fact, Purg beneficence also had the unintended effect
of work responsibilities and allied facilities being liberally outsourced to spouses and kids for
a first-hand feel of why and how charity should naturally begin at home, at Purgatarian
expense while the honcho Purg made an occasional appearance at work!
Verbal flatulence and diarrhea therefore were second nature to Purgs – indeed their
sole twin instruments of professional coquetry. Therefore they remained rock-solid in their
loyalty to their profession and violently resisted suggestions of Purgs being „nitpickers‟. The
Queen of Hearts‟ “Off with his head!” Decree too found macabre reflection in her stellar
achievement in a garland of human skulls around a feline Purg‟s neck, reminiscent of a
revered deity in a similar position. And why not? After all, it was decreed that the feline of
the species always had unlimited libertatem eligere, even if the Toms and their families
didn‟t. This was reminiscent of TS Eliot‟s Prufrock, a balding, weak, neurotic, effete
intellectual, who is both baffled and intimidated by women - a deformed product of sterile
Purgian times. After all, what good were standards if there weren‟t one for each Purg to
preserve the Purgian balance?
The average Purg also delighted in Ma-Mu games, entirely as mainline oversight
activity over their peers. Not only was Tyrannosaurus always right, but the Tyrannosaurus‟s
spouse was the rightest, the Tyrannosaurus had Confucian wisdom, a Marilynian pout, Kodak
memory, Bocelli vocal chords, a Brandoesque grey patch or two on his bell scalp, maybe a
sexy mole on the right cheekbone coupled with a Cary Grant lower jaw dimple, a Mohammad
Ali physique matched by the height of a Buckingham Palace guard, Gibbonian English,
vision and oratorical skills, et al. Of course, these attributes were enshrined in widely-
publicized local laws and applied, well in advance, by slick junior Purgs to Tyrannosaurus or
to be Tyrannosaurus that were heartily reciprocated too, to the consternation of the less
slicker Purgs. Shall we call this mutually-enriching anticipatory generational constituency-
building? Needless to add, these attributes miraculously vanished the day Tyrannosaurus was
no more the Boss.
Instead professional betting started with clockwork precision on the identity of the
successor Tyrannosaurus while the choicest invective doubled for the inscription on the
outgoing Tyrannosaurus‟s tombstone. Similarly, decades-old Purg friendships vanished into
thin air as soon as a Purg moved up the career ladder, save those junior Purgs who had
already made their advance inroads to the Tyrannosaurus‟s mind, even if such move were
occasioned entirely by the efflux of time in an unquestioning system and not by honors in the
battlefield. Loyalty was frowned upon and friends were punished with impunity, never mind
the inflicting Purg‟s past track record itself was not irreproachable. Needless to add, for the
Purg, self always remained above institution. Thus the Purg was born and bred to be a
weathercock. Some inborn genes were evidently not affected in genetic mutation by efflux of
time and fiends in need remained fiends in deed too!
And of course, the little unmentionable about a fellow Purg to Tyrannosaurus so the
guy or gal was caught at covers while attempting a cross-cut! The Purg was also possessed of
Red Indian auditory senses. Plugging an ear to the ground, the Purg was able to divine hoof
beats, as an honest fellow Purg was reduced to cream of asparagus soup by Tyrannosaurus
who Purg-d the hapless Purg, leaving tell-tale footprints in the sand at the site of action. And
yes, „mistake(s)‟ allegedly committed by a hapless Purg in 1904 were publicly proclaimed,
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5. duly registered in the online Purg Crime Records Bureau and produced in full public glare for
„action‟ to the Boss in 1922, 1960, 1990 and in 2022, depending on the length of the
delinquent Purg‟s nose and his professional longevity. Cow owners call this practice branding
(for life). Methinks it should be called a life sentenced to eternal serfdom in Valhalla. Sparks
of brilliance did not count for parole and reinstatement in the royalty of the community.
Rather they were signs of impending insanity, to be dealt with mercilessly. Multiple jeopardy,
yes….cognizable offence…no!....what‟s defamation or libel, unless Purg Courts willed
otherwise?
Blessed with a long memory, arising from Purgian good health, a Tyrannosaurus Purg
in his twilight years remembered his fictional achievements on the battlefield as he essayed
the role of a neurosurgeon on his junior Purgs by performing cerebrum manu on his to-be-
successors. Otherwise, how would the species survive, if they were not replicated in time?
Tyrannosaurus mentored his/her baby Purgs with an occasional hit to the fence, accompanied
by a forgiving chuckle, if he/she were not overly colic-stricken, given the increasing
imbalance of the humors in Tyrannosaurus‟s system with the ravages of time.
Not exactly constructed to front a Roman phalanx, but possessed of genetically
modified whispering vocal chords, the genetically-challenged back-bencher Purg found
comfort at lunch or as he/she headed home in a bus/train while giving a public sneak veneer
of achievement to his baser instincts of reducing the reputation of a fellow Purg to finel-
ground mince, usually reserved for tender kabobs. This too added spice to modest self-
financed lentils, vegetable and rolled bread at the family‟s dinner ritual. For, without spice,
this ritual would be reduced to a mendicant‟s penance, best had from a banana leaf off the
dining floor. After all, the in-house man of laws was there to take care of defamation suits
that would invariably come the King‟s way.
Evidence shows that the Purgs were great conversationists too. In the pink of health,
they discussed, in hushed tones (for all to hear) changes in means of livelihood of their
compatriots, how a fellow Purg audaciously hosted the Ma-of-all-parties on his/her 25th
wedding anniversary of first-born‟s birthday, diseases like PurgCer and Purgenal failure that
needed Purgalysis to the accompaniment of satisfied tch-tch-tch sounds with 3-D effect,
sympathy for those destined to St. Helena or the Hebrides to eke out their living, pooh-
poohing mundane achievements such as poetry or prose as being too long and complex and
besides the point for genetically modified minds possessed of PurgIQs below a score of 40,
the Puragtarian national average.
Purgs also derived orgasmic delight from seeing their seniority number in tact
whenever the new edition of the Purg Almanac was published. Fellow feeling was converted
into numbers of those going home (finally!) in a year and the cumulative result on the next
move up the career ladder. Similarly, PurgCall, the in-house telephone directory provided the
brass tacks of each office – fodder for animated discussion for a full week! Fellow feeling
also found reflection in friendly blind games of pin the tail on the donkey and stick the dart
on the rump; paste a deathly frame on the face, an angelic light on the Devil and vice versa, et
al. However, thoughtfully, the rules of these games permitted participation by involuntary
proxy for the receiver of the tail or the dart, frame or light.
Good health however, did not alas make for immortality! Not to be outdone, the Purgs
erected mausoleums on every site where their beloved leaders had worked and lived. In fact,
these were working mausoleums complete with spas and Jacuzzis, PurgBooks, video games,
some even heritage structures where the fiction of antiquity was preserved at least on the
façade. Like all societies however, the Purgs too had their own class system – with a
difference. Purgs made their own life trajectories and did not allow their not-too-distant past
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6. and achievements and personal history to stand in the way of an imperial projection of their
imagined qualities to the Tyrannosaurus Purgs who, in turn, delighted in such voluntary and
voluble 70mm Panavision hijacking to bolster their own sagging fortunes and physical
debility. Thus was the stage set for the emergence of yet another triumvir and another First
Family! In time, they became crusaders of the faith battling evil forces (and each other too!),
Star Wars style, in unknown galaxies and metamorphosed into Purgish Incredible Hulks.
Their presentations won Purgscars, their command over Purgese, Booker prizes, complexions
straight out of an L‟Oreal fashion studio and accolades for paradigm shifts were all theirs,
even if such shifts limitlessly reduced Puragtaria‟s life-span. What was a better way for the
Tyrannosauruses than cover up for their failings than by surrogate governance by voluntary
proxy? Needless to add, the lesser Purgs remained professional thumb-suckers and look-
uppers while the First Families turned professional lifetime hijackers of Purgataria and were
worshipped in equal measure by rulers and the ruled.
In conclusion of my web research, the tale of Purgataria indeed inspires confidence in
humankind to start life afresh as dinosaurs. For, if humans started as dinosaurs, they would
last another ten millennia before they mutated into Purgs and vanished into oblivion. For the
mother of all paradigm shifts and the end of human civilization was the human-induced
mutation from Paradasia to Purgataria! A mutation that even Shelley‟s “wild spirit” of the
West Wind was unable to shake off. And how would it? For, these were evidently TS Eliot‟s
hollow men – scarecrows stuffed with hay – in a barren land, and bereft of anything of
substance, even unfit for the descent to Hades.
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