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Redheads are better than blondes

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The below is a speech I prepared for Rostrum several weeks ago now - thought I might as well blog it (it's also a 'typecasting' experiment, as the original was composed on my Remington Monarch typewriter. I'll attach that as a PDF). The speech was for a 'heckle' meeting where the presenter takes a controversial stance and has to deal with being heckled by the audience. Gotta love Rostrum if you want to get better at public speaking :).

See blog entry at http://michealaxelsen.com/blog/?p=772

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Redheads are better than blondes

  1. 1. 1•The case for Red heads are brighter than blondes IGood evening h~ Chairman, members and guests. Tonight it ismy privilege to address this meeting to outline the case thatredheads are brighter than blondes. Naturally, it is wellunderstood that this is the case, as no person has ever beenaccused of telling a. joke about a dUlIlb redhead. Redheads arefiery, passionate, and intelligent. Blondes - are not.The case that I put to you tonight is based upon more than theintelligence and wisdom of the crowd - and lets face it, we allknow that theres at least a kernel of truth to the statement.No, I appeal to the one true word of science to identify whyredheads are intelligent and bright, and blondes are ••• atleast slightly less so.There are two scientific reasons that redheads are more intelligentthan blondes. These reasons will be explored, and finally somedeeply scientific qualitative evidence will be presented.Firstly, redheads are more intelligent than blondes due to therigours of evolution. Although it does not hold true for allredheads, it is possible to say that, as a group, redheads aremore intelligent. Redheads make up only 2% of the population,being the genetic remnants of Northern Europes far-flung races.The rigours of the cold weather and the harsh environment hasmeant that only the smart survived.What might the evidence for this be, do you think? Well, there
  2. 2. 2.are two studies that indicate that, as a group, redheads areless tolerant of pain than their blonde counterparts. Alongwith a frightful increase in the risk of melanoma, redheadshave been found to be less tolerant of pain in the dental chairand on the surgical wards (Liem, Lin, Suleman et al 2004; Mogil,Wilson, Chesler et al 2003). It is theorised that redheads haveM1C1iR receptors that are less able to respond to anaesthesia andthe like. Although this apparently manifests itself as a supremefear of the dentists drill, it has also had the effect overyears of evolution to ensure that redheads took great care inthinking about the many ways in which they could hurt themselvesand die in their harsh environments. Although it is notscientifically proven as yet, I expect it can be shown that fewerredheads take up extreme sports such as skydiving and javelin-dodging. Theyre just too smart for that.Secondly, redheads are more intelligent than blondes simply becauseSOCiety expects it to be so. For centuries, the redhead has beenpresumed to be of fiery passions and an unstable temperament.They are scary people - so the myth goes - to be aVOided, deridedand put down at every opportunity.Cruel schoolyard taunts are the lot of todays redhead, and theymust develop a thick skin, a sharp wit, and a keen intellect tosurvive childhood. The redheads blonde sisters are worshippedas natural beauties, and are assured in their future by relyingupon their looks. The redhead must deal with being taunted asthe ginger ninja, Agent Orange, fire-crotch and my personalfavourite, !Fanta-pants. In November 2008 there was even thenational Kick a Ginger day in the UK, which possibly means that
  3. 3. 3.redheads are slightly better at,running as well. The blondemight be taunted with blonde jokes, but the redhead has to dealwith personal attacks every day, and must either look to achievesatisfaction through the pure measure of wit - or find a haplessblonde for the others to pick on.Finally, there is the qualitative evidence. Despite only makingup a mere 2% of the population, redheads are present everywherein modern popular culture. And theyre always the intelligentones. 110redheads of the past, selected completely at random,demonstrate the redheads intelligence. Ann-Margret, Axl Rose,Pippi Longstocking. Molly Ringwald. Sigh. David Bowie, AnneShirley of Green Gables fame, Lucill~ Ball and Elizabeth I. Allredheads, all intelligent, and witty, by dint of their geneticbackground and social upbringing.Compare that list of over-achieving ginger ninjas with the blondesof popular culture. Dolph LUL~dgren. Anna Nichol Smith, DollyParton, Paris Hilton and Miss South Carolina 2007, who famouslythought South Africa was part of the USA.And so the case is made. Redheads are brighter than blondes dueto the unassailable and scientific forces of evolution thatensure they avoid pain, the schoolyard taunts that engage the Fanta-pants brain, and the simple fact that our popularculture and the world around us celebrates the smart and fieryredhead, whilst bemoaning the number of blondes it takes tochange a lightbulb. My favourite ginger ninja, Leigh Sales ofthe ABC, makes the clearest case yet, though, with her well-readhead blog, where she discusses economics, the environmentand books.
  4. 4. 4.We are surrounded by the intelligent coppertop with a touch ofthe ginge in their fringe. The proof is irrefutable, scientific,and undeniable.The case, members and guests, is made.