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The golden globes 2014

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The golden globes 2014

  1. 1. Aaron Paul & Lauren Parsekian These two are really cute, and they‟re married, and they really like each other. He calls her his “Little Bird.” Which, you know, awwwww. Her dress is lovely; fits perfectly and suits her.
  2. 2. Allison Williams This is a miss for me. And her eye makeup frightens me.
  3. 3. Amber Heard Somebody drove to the awards ceremony with the top down on her Mustang! The dress might have been a classic if not for the ludicrous split and the weird hair. (Her Mustang is not actually a convertible. Just pretend it is).
  4. 4. Amy Adams Maybe too much like an actual costume from American Hustle? I like the unusual combination of colours, and she does look really cute, but I‟m not in love with the top half. (Top quarter? Top eighth?)
  5. 5. Amy Poehler Asymmetry gone awry. She looks great generally, I just feel like she put this on wrong. Like those convertible jersey dresses everyone‟s making now (“wear it 12 ways!”). I just know I‟d struggle with it in vain for half an hour and then end up wearing it as a turban.
  6. 6. Anna Gunn Gorgeous, fits perfectly, I can‟t find a fault with it; I don‟t know why it doesn‟t wow me. Am I wrong?
  7. 7. Ariel Winter Ariel Winter is 15, and her sister has custody of her because her mother is a bad person. So I‟m worried that she has no one to (a) iron her clothes and (b) teach her to wrangle her generous bust. Someone other than Sofia Vergara.
  8. 8. Aubrey Plaza I may say this every awards season, but I don‟t get Aubrey Plaza. Her sarcastic shtick is unfunny. I‟ve tried watching Parks and Recreation, and I just don‟t find it amusing. I feel the same way about this glorified prom dress.
  9. 9. Berenice Bejo No, nope, absolutely not. Did it used to be a BLAZER??
  10. 10. Caitlin Fitzgerald I don‟t know who this person is, but I actually kind of love this. I think I shouldn‟t, but I do. It looks like something January Jones would wear - on the set of Mad Men. Bonus points for the random hit of coral and the stripey shoes.
  11. 11. Cate Blanchett Not one of my favourite looks from our friend Cate. I love that she always brings the quality on the red carpet, but sometimes she errs on the side of joylessness. This might be less avant garde (and more palatable) with a low neckline.
  12. 12. Catt Sadler I don‟t know who Catt Sadler is, or what purpose the second „t‟ in her name serves, but I‟m getting really tired of people not wearing underpants. This would be pretty if lined. Lined!!
  13. 13. Drew Barrymore I like seeing pregnant women on the red carpet, because they tend to look more normal and human by virtue of the fact that their cheekbones aren‟t jutting out. Drew looks glorious, and her dress is happy and pretty and fun.
  14. 14. Edie Falco Edie came in a drawstring bag!
  15. 15. Elisabeth Moss I have no quarrel with this.
  16. 16. Emilia Clarke This puzzles me. The pattern, from here, looks like TV static, with blurry patches. I want to adjust my monitor. The shape of the dress is fine, but my emotional reaction to the look overall is one of confusion.
  17. 17. Emma & Gaia Thompson Emma has been EVERYWHERE lately, and I just love her, because she‟s so smart and funny and unHollywood. So I‟m going to overlook this motherof-the-bride misstep. She doesn‟t look terrible.
  18. 18. Emma Roberts If someone has to do the Morticia Addams thing, it might as well be Emma Roberts. I do love the neckline and the turquoise earrings. Fishtail hems always make my think of octopuses, but she looks modern and elegant. At least Kelly Osbourne isn‟t wearing it.
  19. 19. Emma Watson I‟ll illustrate my initial reaction to this sequentially, with emoticons: 1. 2. Oh! This is… …wait, is that…can it be navy tights?? 3. No, I think it‟s pants!
  20. 20. Emma Watson
  21. 21. Giuliana Rancic Yeah, whatever. NEXT!
  22. 22. Hayden Panatierre Hayden had to pay for this Tom Ford, because he only dresses one person per awards show. At least that‟s his excuse. It‟s hard to judge her frock objectively because of the frightful hair. But I don‟t think it‟s worth the $10,000 she paid for it.
  23. 23. Heidi Klum At first I thought the dress wasn‟t too bad, despite the choppy mullet and the grungy choker. But then…
  24. 24. NO UNDERPANTS AGAIN. How did the side of a person‟s backside come to be considered worthy of display?
  25. 25. Helen Mirren While I don‟t love the bunchy (tulle?) neckline, and the shade of green may be a little too gaudy, she looks absolutely amazing in it, so I wouldn‟t insist that she change anything. Her hair is cute, too.
  26. 26. Jacqueline Bisset Something about this whole look, spiky fringe included, makes me think of David Bowie in Labyrinth. Also, she was totally drunk when she gave her acceptance speech.
  27. 27. Jemima Kirke and…Friend Speaking of drunk people, Jemima Kirke always looks inebriated. These people are both suitably dressed for some kind of night-time hipster barbecue.
  28. 28. Jenna Dewan Jenna Dewan is Channing Tatum‟s wife (ie. a nobody), but she looks like an a-lister in this interesting dress. There were a few graphic black and white frocks on the red carpet, and they look amazing. Except Heidi Klum‟s.
  29. 29. Jennifer Lawrence Love Jennifer Lawrence, hate the dress. Dior is intent on dressing her – for every awards ceremony – in the most ordinary dresses they can throw together. They also habitually put her in voluminous ballgowns that cut in below the backside, for some reason.
  30. 30. See? WHYEEE? It looks like something that was hastily cobbled together at the last minute with a bedsheet and a couple of yards of black ribbon. Love the haircut. BUT THAT IS ALL.
  31. 31. Jessica Chastain She was absolutely everywhere for a while, but I guess she‟s been on holiday. This look is unremarkable. I feel like we‟ve seen her in it before. And maybe black isn‟t her best colour. But it‟s fine.
  32. 32. Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg I don‟t really get Joanna Newsom. I find her voice weird and affected. But everyone else thinks she‟s amazing. It‟s like an Emperor‟s New Clothes thing. Which is probably the title of her next album. She actually looks lovely here, although I probably would have gone with either the flounce or the frilly sleeves, not both. She looks like a Spanish doll.
  33. 33. Julia Louis-Dreyfus Meh.
  34. 34. Julia Roberts This has to be among the worst of the evening. It looks like she purchased a generic black strapless dress and wore it over a basic white dress shirt. The sparkly belt doesn‟t make it better.
  35. 35. Julianna Margulies I wasn‟t totally sure about this at first (I thought it might be too stiff and puffy), but on the red carpet it had more movement and she looked really striking. Her hair was cute, too. And there, as always, is her swoonworthy husband in the background.
  36. 36. Julie Bowen Julie Bowen always looks utterly mad. If I picture this dress on someone else though, I think it has merit. The velvet bodice and ruched sleeves are really pretty, and the combination of three jewel tones is surprising.
  37. 37. The original is prettier: the fabric used for the skirt looks more drapey. It might have looked better on a pale brunette, like Emilia Clarke or Michelle Dockery.
  38. 38. Julie Delpy. Time for a stylist. Her hair looks a bit sad, too.
  39. 39. Kaley Cuoco Kaley simply doesn‟t have an innate sense of elegance. Her hair and makeup are too “rock chick” and her dress is too “mildewy shower curtain.”
  40. 40. Kate Beckinsale Kate so often opts for the strapless fishtail gown and the high ponytail. It‟s a signature style that lacks originality and maybe isn‟t terribly flattering. I‟d love to see her with her hair out, or maybe in a side-swept wavy bob.
  41. 41. Kate Mara The deep U-neck isn‟t pretty, and the blonde hair is terrible. It and the pale beigey-silver fabric sap all the colour out of her face.
  42. 42. Kelly Osbourne This is the exact expression on my face right now.
  43. 43. Kerry Washington Not one of Kerry‟s more exciting looks. The dishwater grey shade and over-vest-thing fastened with a brooch is awkward. She looks like a cartoon beetle.
  44. 44. Kristen Connelly Fine, but how many times to people need to be told? Legs or bust, not both!
  45. 45. Kristin Chenowith I like the concept and colour, but this one doesn‟t have enough bust/legs! It almost looks like a turtleneck, which makes me think of Star Trek. A wider or lower neck might have made all the difference.
  46. 46. Kyra Sedgwick I‟m not a fan of the “sporty formal dress” look; anything that resembles the kind of tailoring you‟d find on a swimsuit or something you‟d wear the gym. But this may be partly due to the fact that I don‟t frequent gyms, and resent those who do.
  47. 47. Laura Carmichael Hmm. It fits right, but the details are off.
  48. 48. Laura Dern Laura looks very weird here. I‟m not sure if it‟s the thinness or the big brassy hair or the beige, or the pattern that at a glance resembles leopardprint, or all of the above. But I‟m underwhelmed.
  49. 49. Lena Dunham I‟m really sick of talking/hearing about the way Lena Dunham looks. Not on moral grounds, just because I‟m thoroughly bored by it all. I actually think she looks pretty great here. The colour is gorgeous, and her hair and makeup are flattering.
  50. 50. Leslie Mann The frilly peplum does nothing for me, and Leslie usually has more fun with colour, but I can‟t help always finding her adorable. Maybe a chunky turquoise necklace or something would have made this look more fresh and modern?
  51. 51. Lily Rabe I don‟t know who Lily Rabe is. Could I have Googled it in the time it has taken me to type these words? Possibly. This is quite lovely, but I‟m just not thrilled about the black-mesh-over-nude-lining look that all the kids are doing these days. It always looks dingy from a distance.
  52. 52. Lizzy Caplan Lizzy obviously hit her head and woke up in the 80‟s.
  53. 53. Louise Roe Louise Roe is some kind of presenter. Which is probably ideal, as this dress screams “D-List.” The cut-outs and hideous orange sherbet shade remind me of cheap clubwear, a dress code which really shouldn‟t even exist.
  54. 54. Lupita Nyong‟o I‟m not usually into the cape thing (*ahem* Gwyneth Paltrow *cough*) because people shouldn‟t dress as superheroes unless they are. However, Lupita obviously is some kind of superhero, and looks stunning in this vermilion frock.
  55. 55. See? She is obviously about to fly away and fight crime. She is no mere mortal. Easily one of the best looks of the night.
  56. 56. Margot Robbie Margot is an Australian soap actress or something, and just starred in The Wolf of Wall Street, a movie I‟m never likely to see. She looks lovely, if a bit generic-Hollywoodactress.
  57. 57. Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves Not one of her best looks (we‟ve seen this dress so many times before on so many people), but she‟s beautiful, so it doesn‟t matter.
  58. 58. Mayim Bialik Too sedate, but fine.
  59. 59. Megan Mullally I could have fixed this in minutes by cutting off the sleeves, removing the glasses and sweeping her fringe to the side. But she didn‟t ask me, and now it‟s too late.
  60. 60. Melissa McCarthy The frock fits beautifully, but the frayed grey fabric looks decidedly odd. Her hair is too severe, too. Everyone needs to lighten up. It‟s the Globes, not a funeral.
  61. 61. Melissa Rauch Everybody needs to stop lightening up. It‟s the globes, not Disneyland.
  62. 62. Michael J Fox and Tracy Pollan Quite lovely, but a size too small*, so it doesn‟t sit straight *The dress, not the guy.
  63. 63. Michelle Dockery I love this. She just looks exquisite. The porcelain skin, bobbed hair, red lipstick and sparkly dress are perfect. She looks elegant and polished. I‟m not usually into non- colours, but this fabric is pretty and luminous.
  64. 64. Mila Kunis I love this too. Somehow the silvery frocks are the prettiest this year, and this platinum shade works beautifully with Mila‟s olive skin and dark hair.
  65. 65. Another angle. It drapes nicely, too.
  66. 66. Minnie Driver …aaaaand we‟re back to reality.
  67. 67. Naomi Watts This is the single look Tom Ford did for free for the Globes. I‟m not sure it was worth it. I mean it‟s fine, but I feel like she‟s done this look before, and better.
  68. 68. Olivia Wilde Her hair is really pretty, but again, the bottle green spangley dress has become a red- carpet staple. Angelina Jolie probably started it. But still, it‟s fine, and she looks happy.
  69. 69. Paula Patton Paula is obviously being consumed by some kind of fungi, which is probably just as well, because the dress that is being consumed is ugly. The fabric looks cheap, and highlights lumps and bumps that aren‟t even there.
  70. 70. Rachel Smith Rachel Smith is a nobody who dressed like a somebody (FYI I‟d like that to be written on my gravestone). This is so pretty, it was worth trawling the internet to find out who she was. (It took me ages, as the one place that carried her picture misidentified her).
  71. 71. Rashida Jones This dress and hairstyle would be adequate for a posh Hollywood lunch or something.
  72. 72. Reese Witherspoon Another “sporty formal” dress. The colour is lovely, but on someone with Reese‟s girl-next- door colouring, it‟s a bit cheap-looking. Am I being unreasonable?
  73. 73. Robin Wright Eeeewww.
  74. 74. Sandra Bullock Someone obviously stitched a bunch of Disney princess costumes together to make this. It truncates her legs, and the colours and fabrics are ugleeeey.
  75. 75. Sarah Hyland Bridesmaaaiiid.
  76. 76. Sarah Paulson See? Another silvery frock that takes the cake. She looks like a ballerina, in the best way.
  77. 77. Sally Hawkins Up close, this may look very pretty. Otherwise I‟m not sure how it happened.
  78. 78. Sofia Vergara Behold, the monster of the deep!
  79. 79. Tatiana Maslany I have no idea who this person is, but after Sofia Vergara she is like a tall cool drink of water. This simple silver sheath is so timeless, and the hair and makeup is too. Not dramatic, but effortlessly chic, which is often better.
  80. 80. Taylor Schilling Gorgeous. The green may be a little too grassgreen, but it‟s still beautiful. I‟d wear it around the house while sipping champagne. Or some kind of low-cal alchohol-free champagne substitute. Diet Coke, for example.
  81. 81. Taylor Swift *Sigh* Her again.
  82. 82. Taylor Swift I can‟t really argue with this. The watermelon shade is striking. She looks like a really glamorous Valentine‟s Day teddy bear. But I‟m just SO OVER Taylor Swift, I can‟t be objective.
  83. 83. The Damons Luciana often opts for things that remind me of Christmas ribbon. She seems like a quality woman, I just can‟t get on board with her lacklustre sartorial choices.
  84. 84. Tina Fey Nooooo, Tina! You were making so much progress! What HAPPENED? I actually love the fabric (anything that looks like wallpaper) but the vast Elizabethan flaps on either side make her look huge on the lower half. And her hair is blah.
  85. 85. Tina Fey Yeah, it‟s reversible. I‟m afraid that doesn‟t help, Tina. Just ditch the flaps. Ditch the flaps! It would look really pretty without.
  86. 86. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Much better. This isn‟t the best picture, but they both looked stunning on stage, for all of the twelve minutes that I could bring myself to watch. Tina‟s hair was all wavy and shiny, and Amy‟s dress is a deep teal shade which complemented Tina‟s garnet frock beautifully.
  87. 87. Uma Thurman No, Uma.
  88. 88. Zoe Saldana This looked prettier on the red carpet than it does in pictures, but it‟s still an odd jumble of features, whichever way you look at it. I wish they had stuck with the black bejewelled fabric to below the knee, and then let the lace poke out at the hem or something. It was also very tight, and I blame the dressmakers, not the very skinny girl.
  89. 89. Zooey Deschanel Oh Zooey. Somehow you look both elderly and childish at the same time. You can‟t just collect beige things you like and then wear them all at once. We may need to stage an intervention and confiscate – at the very least – your hair flowers.
  90. 90. Zosia Mamet Zosia Mamet is wearing a beautiful dress. Zosia Mamet. Is wearing. A beautiful dress. This calls to mind Art Nouveau era ink drawings. It‟s just so…tasteful. It must have happened by accident.