1. Hello, and welcome to another special feature for Ruth’s
(un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge! Because I am slow off
the mark, this Plot can’t be used in the normal story. Alas.
But that doesn’t mean you need to be deprived! I have the firm
goal of exposing y’all to all but two of Gilbert & Sullivan’s
operettas, one way or another, before this challenge ends. (The two
I’m leaving out are the incredibly racist one and the one that
Gilbert & Sullivan themselves used to pretend didn’t exist.)
So without further ado, let’s join everyone’s favorite Savoyards in
Sim form for comedic hijinks!

2. RUTH: Okay, so our story opens in a small town in Cornwall.
OAKAPPLE: Isn’t that where The Pirates of Penzance was set?
RUTH: Yes. I think Gilbert just liked Cornwall. But this is a
different town. And what makes this town special is that it has its
own troupe of professional bridesmaids.
DESCARTES: Bridesmaids?
RUTH: Bridesmaids. But there’s been a bit of an economic
downturn lately, since all the young men want to marry Rose
Maybud, and she won’t marry any of them, and of course nobody
else can get married until Rose is taken off the market for good.

3. RUTH: So the bridesmaids all sing a song about that, and then they
go to visit Rose’s aunt, Dame Hannah. – Matt, why don’t you be
Dame Hannah?
MATTHIAS: Why don’t you be her? She’s a contralto.
RUTH: I’m going to be Mad Margaret. Go on, be Dame Hannah.
MATTHIAS: Mad Margaret’s a mezzo.* I can be her.
RUTH: You’re a tenor.
MATTHAIS: Either I’m Mad Margaret or I’m not playing.
RUTH (sulkily): Party pooper.
*A “mezzo,” or mezzo-soprano, has a lower range than a soprano but a higher
range than a contralto. Mezzo is pronounced “MET-zoh.”

4. RUTH: Fine. Well, now I need a bridesmaid or fifteen, but we’re
going to run short as it is. So why don’t you all be the bridesmaids?
And the bridesmaids all ask Dame Hannah “Dame Hannah, why
don’t you get married?” – Go on.
AUDIENCE: Dame Hannah, why don’t you get married?
RUTH: Oh no, I couldn’t. (soulfully) The man I loved turned out to
be Sir Roderic Murgatroyd, the Twenty-first Baronet of Ruddigore!
OAKAPPLE: So what?

5. RUTH: So the whole family is under a curse! The first Baronet was
a witch-hunter, and one of the witches he burned put a curse on
him and all his family! Each Baronet has to commit at least one
crime every day for ever! And the day he does not commit a crime
is the day he dies in torture and agony! (melodramatically) I am a
good girl, and I couldn’t marry a man like that, so instead I am
wedded to eternal maidenhood!
AUDIENCE: (snickers)
RUTH: Oh, go away! – And now Rose herself comes in. Sarah
Jane, do you mind?

6. RUTH: Hello, Rose. What do you have in that box?
SARAH JANE: I’m taking gifts to the deserving poor in the
village. They’re all completely inappropriate, but it’s the thought
that counts.
RUTH: Rose, dear, you’re so very kind and thoughtful. When are
you going to get married and use that kindness and thoughtfulness
to make some man very very happy? Someone like, oh, Robin
Oakapple, maybe?
SARAH JANE: Oh, but I couldn’t make the first move!
RUTH: Why?

7. SARHA JANE: It’s in my book of etiquette. (produces said book)
RUTH: Well, if you like someone, couldn’t you just point him out
to me? I’ll go talk to him for you.
SARAH JANE: Oh no! (points to page in book)
RUTH: Well, you could whisper it to me.
SARAH JANE: No, no! (points to a different page)
RUTH: Could you at least give me a hint?
SARAH JANE: Oh, I couldn’t! (points to a third page)
RUTH: (frustrated): Well, can’t you talk to him yourself, then?
SARAH AJANE: Oh no, I couldn’t possibly! (points out a fourth
reference) See?
RUTH (disgusted): I give up.

8. RUTH: So Rose goes outside, and who does she meet?
BUTTERCUP: I dunno.
RUTH: Well, that's why I'm going to tell you. Rose goes outside,
and she meets Robin Oakapple himself, who is a very shy farmer.
Tim?
TIM: Um, hi, Rose. Good to see you.
SARAH JANE: Oh, hi, Robin. Good to see you, too.
TIM: So can I ask you a question? I have this friend, see? And he
likes this girl. But he doesn't know if she likes him. What should he
do?

9. SARHA JANE: Oh, I'm glad you asked. Because I have a friend
too. And there's this guy she likes, but he won't say anything. What
should she do?
TIM: Maybe he's shy.
SARAH JANE: Maybe he should propose. I'm sure she'd say yes.
TIM: Come on, meet me halfway here! This isn't easy for him!
SARAH JANE: Well, it isn't easy for her, either! She's not allowed
to make the first move.
(Both sigh)
TIM and SARAH JANE (together): Well, good luck to your friend.
RUTH: And Rose leaves.

10. RUTH: As Robin is standing there, up comes Old Adam.
OLD ADAM: Me?
RUTH: No, but this is who you're named after. This Old Adam is
the faithful retainer of Robin Oakapple.
TIM: Why does a farmer have a faithful retainer? I thought only
posh people had those.
RUTH: Aha! There you have discovered the secret! For (as Old
Adam reveals, for no particular reason) Robin Oakapple is not
really Robin Oakapple!
TIM: No? Who am I, then?
RUTH: You're really Sir Riven Murgatroyd, the rightful Baronet of
Ruddigore! "Riven" is spelled R-U-T-H-V-E-N, by the way.

11. TIM: But if I'm a Baronet, what am I doing grubbing around in the
dirt? Why aren't I in a big fancy house somewhere?
RUTH: Because the Baronet is under a curse, idjit! Weren't you
listening earlier?
TIM: No, I was trying to find the hat.
RUTH: Well, if you were the Baronet, you'd have to commit a
crime a day and you didn't want to, so you faked your own death
when you were ten and ran away, becoming the foster brother to
Dick Dauntless, sailor and generally awesome guy. (with
melodramatically false astonishment) And look! Here he is now!

12. DESCARTES: (springing onto the scene like a superhero) Ha ha!
RUTH: Descartes, you're supposed to be a sailor.
DESCARTES: Pirates sail.
RUTH: No, you're supposed to be in the Navy.
DESCARTES: Yeah, and my ship pardoned a whole bunch of
other ships. (sings, slightly off-key) "For she's only a poor parley
voo, do you see?" But it sounds like we were running away coz the
other ship had bigger guns, and more of them. Anyway, pirates
don't pardon anybody. They make 'em walk the plank! (with big
puppy dog eyes) Aunt Ruth, I have to follow my heart!
RUTH (sourly): You read the script, didn't you.
DESCARTES: Maaaaybe.

13. RUTH: Well, obeying your heart is a big thing for Robin and Mr.
Dauntless, here.
TIM: Yes, you have to do it.
DESCARTES: No question there.
TIM: The problem is that my heart says I should tell Rose I love
her.
DESCARTES: So?

14. TIM: So even though I'm better looking than Ryan Reynolds and
smarter than Steven Hawking and wittier than Oscar Wilde and --
DESCARTES: Daaaa-aaaad!
TIM: Well, I'm too shy and modest to say anything. Will you go
talk to her for me?
DESCARTES: You want me to say mushy things to MOM?!
TIM: What does your heart say, brother dear?
DESCARTES: (huge, put upon sigh) My heart says "Fine, but only
because I get to wear a pirate costume."
RUTH: So off our sailor goes to do his foster brother's courting for
him.

15. DESCARTES: Well, golly! If she weren't my mother -- er, my
father's -- er, my brother’s -- Aw heck. My heart says "Why should
he have all the fun?"!
SARAH JANE: Are you okay?
DESCARTES: Er, you're so beautiful, I've been struck dumb.
SARAH JANE: I don't know if you should say that to me when we
haven't been introduced. (consults book of etiquette) "Always
speak the truth." Oh, it's okay then.
DESCARTES: Well, I was supposed to ask you this for Da -- er,
somebody else, but will you marry me? (fake vomits at having to
"propose" to his mother)

16. SARAH JANE: (aside) Now, how should a maiden deal with such
an one? (consults book) "Keep no one in unnecessary suspense."
(aloud) Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense.
(refers to book) "In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with
apparent hesitation." (aloud) I take you, but with a certain show of
reluctance. (refers to book) "Avoid any appearance of eagerness."
(aloud) Though you will bear in mind that I am far from anxious to
do so. (refers to book) "A little show of emotion will not be
misplaced!" (aloud) Pardon this tear! (wipes her eye)

17. RUTH: At which point, the bridesmaids show up and sing:
AUDIENCE (sings, coached by Ruth): Hail the bridegroom, hail
the bride! Let the nuptial knot be tied!
RUTH: And then Robin shows up.

18. TIM (eagerly): What did she say?
DESCARTES: She said yes.
TIM: (goes to hug Sarah Jane) Darling!
SARAH JANE: Um...
DESCARTES: She said yes to me.
SARAH JANE (to Tim): Sorry, but I have to follow my heart.
RUTH: And they sing a song about that. What it boils down to is
this:

19. DESCARTES: I had to ask her, Da -- er, Mr. Oakapple. My heart
told me to, and I have to follow my heart.
TIM: Oh, that's okay. I understand. Right now, my heart is telling
me to point out that you are a very unsuccessful sailor who doesn't
make much money, while I am a very prosperous farmer indeed,
and was planning to give all my money to my wife.
SARAH JANE: (small shriek) And now my heart has changed its
mind and is telling me to marry Robin. (to Descartes) But if it
changes its mind again, I'll let you know.

20. RUTH: The bridesmaids sing a quick chorus...
AUDIENCE (sings): Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride! Let the
nuptial knot be tied!
RUTH: And then they all go away, and Mad Margaret comes in.
MATTHIAS (having far too much fun): And why? Who am I? Daft
Madge! Crazy Meg! Mad Margaret! Poor Peg! (sings) "To a garden
filled with posies -- "
RUTH: Yeah, yeah -- it's a boring song. (as Matt gapes at her) Oh,
look! Here comes Rose Maybud!

21. MATTHIAS: Ooooh! I've come to pinch her!
SARAH JANE: Pinch whom?
MATTHIAS: You mean "who."
SARAH JANE: No, it's the accusative after the verb.
MATTHIAS: ...Whatever. He gave me an Italian glance -- thus! --
and made me his! He's going to give her an Italian glance -- thus! --
and make her his! Only I'm going to pinch her first, so she dies,
pop!
SARAH JANE: Who are you talking about?
MATTHIAS: Rose Maybud!
SARAH JANE: But I'm Rose Maybud! And I'd rather not die, pop!
MATTHIAS: You're Rose Maybud? You?
SARAH JANE: Yes!

22. MATTHIAS: Strange! They said she was beautiful. But if you're
going to marry the baronet of Ruddigore, I would treat you as the
auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird – I would rend you
asunder!
SARAH JANE: But I'm not going to! I'm going to marry someone
else entirely -- today!
MATTHIAS: Swear me that! Come to a Commissioner and let me
have it on affidavit! I once made an affidavit – but it died – it died
– it died! But see, they come – Sir Despard and his evil crew! Hide,
hide – they are all mad – quite mad!
SARAH JANE: How can you tell?
MATTHIAS: They sing choruses in public!

23. RUTH: So the men's chorus comes in and sings a rather pointless
song, and then comes in (melodramatically) Sir Despard
Ruddigore! Er, Ty...?
TYRONE: I figured you'd be asking. (turning suddenly) Like the
mustache?
AUDIENCE: (shrieks)
TYRONE: I know, I know. It's my life of crime that has made me
look so wicked and ugly! But you, who are virtuous, are lovely
indeed! (does a ten-Nice-points grin)
(Audience screams, and Oakapple faints)

24. TYRONE: Aw, I'm just in thrall to a bunch of portraits is all. But I
show them! I commit my crime first thing in the morning, and then
I do good!
DESCARTES: 'Scuse me!
TYRONE: A pirate! Watch it -- my father is a Major-General!
DESCARTES: Wrong show, Uncle Ty! I need some advice. See,
you have an older brother...
TYRONE: I did. He's dead.
DESCARTES: No he isn't. He's living in this very village and he's
going to marry Rose Maybud today. So my question is: should I
tell you?

25. TYRONE: Should you tell me that my older brother is not dead,
and that I don't have to be a bad person and can instead go around
being lovely and kind and a respected member of society, beloved
by all?
DESCARTES: Uh-uh.
TYRONE: Yes, I think you should.
DESCARTES: Yeah, that's what my heart said.
TYRONE: And mine says that we should make my brother take
over right away.
RUTH: And they sing a song about that.

26. TYRONE and DESCARTES
(sing)
For duty, duty must be done
The rule applies to EVERYone
And painful though the duty be
To shirk the task were fiddle-dee-dee
To shirk the task
To shirk the task were fiddle-dee, fiddle-dee, fiddle-dee, fiddle-
dee, fiddle-dee-dee!

27. RUTH: And now everyone else enters, all set for the wedding.
AUDIENCE (sings): Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride! Let the
nuptial knot be tied!
RUTH: Well, actually, they sing something different, but it's a lot
more boring, so okay.
TYRONE: Ha ha! Stop the wedding! That (pointing dramatically
to Tim) is my older brother!
SARAH JANE: Darling! Is this true? Are you really a bad bart? (to
Ruth) What's a "bad bart"?
RUTH: An evil baronet.

28. TIM: Well, if I were a bad bart I'd tell tarradiddles and say I wasn't.
But since I'm a good person just at the moment, I have to say "Yes!
I am a bad bart!" ...Wait a minute, if I'm a bad bart, I could have
lied about that. But if I were a good person, then I wouldn't lie, and
lying about being a bad bart -- I mean, lying about being a good
person -- Oh bother, I'm confused. (angrily) Who ratted me out?
DESCARTES: Me! But it's not my fault -- my heart told me to!
TIM: Oh, well, if it's your heart...
SARAH JANE (to Tyrone): Well, if you're the virtuous brother,
then I should marry you.
AUDIENCE (sings): Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride!
TYRONE: No, now that I'm the virtuous brother, I have to marry
Margaret. I, er...

29. BUTTERCUP: Woohoo'd him under false pretenses?
RUTH: Young lady! How do you know about that?!
TYRONE: Well, anyway, I'm not available.
AUDIENCE (sings): Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride!
SARAH JANE (to Descartes): Well, you're the only one left, so... ?
DESCARTES: What about Auntie Ruth? Or Uncle Ryan? Or -- ?
SARAH JANE: Sweetie, it's the end of Act I.
DESCARTES (grumbles): Oh, all right.
AUDIENCE (sings): Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride!
RUTH: Well, actually, they sing something different, but it's also
boring, so that's the end of Act I. Potty break, everyone, and meet
back here in ten minutes.

30. At this point, I would like to mention that Ruth originally comes
from the perennially popular story Already in Progress, which you
should totally check out if you don't already read it. Although it
doesn't involve as much singing and dancing. [/shameless self-
promotion]

31. RUTH: As Act II opens, we find Old Adam -- the character -- and
Robin-now-Riven singing a song about their new life in the
ancestral portrait gallery. What it boils down to is this:
TIM: I'm now a terribly wicked baronet.
RUTH: And I'm his faithful servant, even now.
(Both sigh heavily)

32. RUTH: So what crime are you going to commit today?
TIM: How should I know? You're my advisor -- advise me.
RUTH: Well, your foster brother and your ex are coming over to
invite you to the wedding. You could poison their beer.
TIM: Oh, not a guest’s beer! How about if I make scary faces at
them until they die of fright?
RUTH: That would be rude. Not evil.

33. RUTH: At this point, Dick Dauntless and Rose Maybud arrive,
singing a song in which they compare Rose to a ship.
OLD ADAM: Why?
RUTH: Darned if I know. And then Rose asks Robin (through
song) if he's okay with her marrying Dick Dauntless. To which
Robin says:
TIM: Of course I’m not okay with it! Don't be stupid.
RUTH: And Rose and Dick leave. They must have been
contractually guaranteed a song in the second act or something.

34. TIM: Oh, now I am all alone! (melodramatically) Oh, portraits of
my ancestors! Miserable as I am, I am still better off than you!
RYAN: Oh, I don't know. Being dead isn't all that bad.
TIM: Who are you?
RYAN: We’re the previous incumbents, and we’re here to tell you
that we don’t think you’re doing a very good job of being wicked.
TIM: Am too!
RYAN: Really? Let’s go over the week. What crime did you
commit on Monday?
TIM: Monday was a holiday.
RYAN: Oh, right. Tuesday?

35. TIM: I forged one of Old Adam’s checks.
RYAN: He doesn’t have a bank account.
TIM: I never said he did.
RYAN: Hmmmph. Wednesday?
TIM: I forged my will.
RYAN: You can’t forge your own will.
TIM (indignantly): This is a free country. If I can’t forge my own
will, then whose will can I forge?
RYAN: Okay, okay, chill. Thursday?
TIM: I wore a black-and-gold cowboy shirt with green-and-blue
plaid shorts and black knee socks.
RYAN: Oh, very well done! Gold star for Thursday! Friday?

36. TIM: On Friday, I disinherited my son.
RYAN: But you don’t have a son.
TIM: I know. This is more efficient. When he’s born, he’ll be
already disinherited. And anyway, this is a free country, and if I
can’t disinherit my –
TIM and RYAN (together): – own unborn son, whose unborn son
can I disinherit?
RYAN: Well, okay. We'll give you a pass for this week. But I'm
warning you: you better star committing better crimes soon, or
we'll…

37. RYAN: ...tickle you until you pee! Oh, and after that, you'll die in
terrible agony. Toodle-oo.

38. RUTH: At which point Old Adam -- the faithful retainer one --
comes in.
TIM: No no no! Don't come in! Go out! Go away and kidnap me a
maiden!
RUTH: You want me to what now?
TIM: Go kidnap a maiden! I need to step up my game, or I'll be
tickled until I PEE.
RUTH: Esme forbid! -- And off Old Adam goes. Actually, Robin --
Ruthven -- whoever leaves too, probably because of all that talk of
peeing, and Despard and Margaret come in.

39. TYRONE (sings): I've given up all of my wild proceedings
MATTHIAS (sings): My taste for a wandering life is waning
TYRONE (sings): Now I'm a dab at penny readings
MATTHIAS (sings): They are not remarkably entertaining
(speaks) Yes, we are very boring. But sometimes I feel myself
going wild again. So we need a safe word.
TYRONE (distracted): Our safe word is "Pickle." ...I think my
mustache is falling off.
MATTHIAS: No, not that one. Margaret and Despard need a safe
word. Some word that teems with hidden meaning like --
like "Basingstoke!'
TYRONE: Oh, right. Basingstoke it is.

40. TIM: Wow, that's better. My back teeth were floating. (sees Tyrone
and Matthias) Oh, hello! What are you doing here?
TYRONE: We came to beg you to forgo your life of crime and
become a good person.
TIM: But if I do that, I'll be tickled until I PEE. And then I'll die.
TYRONE: I know.
TIM: And then you'll be the bad bart again.
TYRONE: Oh crud. I hadn't thought of that.
TIM: Ha! Well, I'll do it anyway.
RUTH: And then they sing an AWESOME song about that.

41. TIM, MATTHIAS, and TYRONE
(sing)
Thisparticularlyrapid unitelligblepatter
Isn'tgenerallyheard andifitisitdoesn'tmatter!
Mattermattermattermatter!

42. RUTH: And then Margaret and Despard leave, just in the nick of
time. Because who shows up but Old Adam - the faithful retainer, I
mean - with Dame Hannah over his shoulder.
OAKAPPLE: But you just walked on stage!
RUTH: Okay, Mr. Smarty. If you can figure out how to walk in
carrying yourself over your own shoulder, I'd like to see.
TIM: But Old Adam, I said I wanted a maiden.
RUTH: Look, there's not a lot happening around here and TV
hasn't been invented yet. We're kinda thin on the ground.

43. RUTH: But don't you touch me! I warn you, I can take care of
myself!
TIM: HO-ly crap! Where do you KEEP that thing?
RUTH: Back off, I said!
RYAN: Kidnapped a maiden, have you? Well done! Wait a
second... Nannikin?
RUTH: Roddy-doddy?
RYAN: What do you mean by kidnapping my ex-fiancée?
Nannikin, has he hurt you?
TIM: I'm not going anywhere near her!
RYAN: Good. Now scram.
TIM: Scramming at once, sir! (does so)

44. RUTH: Oh, Roderic! I thought you were dead!
RYAN: I am. I died ten years ago.
RUTH: Oh. So, uh, what's that like?
RYAN: Pretty okay. Oh, Nannikin, I missed you!
RUTH: Oh, Roddy-doddy! Me too! ...And they sing a sweet and
tender song about that, but the mood is broken as the rest of the
cast comes tromping in.

45. RYAN: Do you mind? We're having a moment here.
TIM: But I just realized something! Suicide is a crime!
RYAN: So?
TIM: So if you decide to not commit a crime and die in agony
instead, you're effectively committing suicide. But since suicide is
a crime, you've committed your crime for the day right there!
RYAN: Whoa! I never thought of that!
TIM: So technically, you shouldn't even be dead.
RYAN: Why, you're right!

46. RYAN: Nannikin, let's get married!
RUTH: Oooooh, Roddy-doddy!
TIM: Rose, I'm not a bad bart anymore...
SARAH JANE: And my book of etiquette says that if a bad bart
reforms, I should marry him immediately!
TYRONE and MATTHIAS: We're moving to Basingstoke!
DESCARTES: And I’m going to be a pirate! Ahahahahaha!
RUTH: No, you're supposed to marry one of the bridesmaids.
DESCARTES: PI-RATE! PI-RATE! (sings) "For I am a pirate
kiiiiiiiing!"
SARAH JANE: Wrong show, sweetie.

47. Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia
This story will not appear in Ruth's again due to my poor
planning. I really should have set up a multi-generational curse the
second I decided I wanted to play an OWBC. Tyrone's reference to
having a Major-General for a father and Descartes’ "pirate king"
song at the very end are references to The Pirates of Penzance, but
since you've been following Ruth's all this time, you totally got that
without my needing to explain.

48. Tyrone and Matt get a bit racy here, which makes perfect sense
when you know that "Ruddigore" was a dangerously racy title in
Victorian England: "Ruddigore" is almost "Ruddy-gore," and
"ruddy" is almost "bloody," and "bloody" is SWEARING.

49. Basically, just about anything Mad Margaret or Rose said came
straight from Gilbert. You just can't improve on perfection. Most of
the crimes Ruthven/Robin commits are also straight from Gilbert,
but Thursday's crime is pure Gilscarbo. (Being a common
American, I don't see what's so bad about shooting a fox. But I
think we can all agree that Goopy's outfit earns a gold star.)

50. Those of you who follow either Already in Progress or 100 Days
of Awesome will know that Descartes eventually achieved his goal
of becoming a pirate (both the Dread and Space varieties). Really,
there was no other choice when it came to casting this role.
I hope you weren’t too badly bored. Please join me next time when
we will have a regular chapter of Ruth’s (un)Officially Wacky
Boolprop Challenge. Until then, Happy Simming!