Why NOT To Do a
Startup … because You Will FAIL, Loser. Dave McClure 500startups.com FailCon India Bangalore – Feb 2013 @DaveMcClure

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #1: Yer a WANTrepreneur.  You’re in this for all the Wrong reasons:  You think it’s “So Fucking Cool” to do a startup  You want to make LOTS of Money.  You have Teh Awesome Technology Solution.  The Right Reasons:  You Live in Fear.  You Can’t Get Laid.  Something has been PISSING you off FOREVER.YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT [SOLVING] A [CUSTOMER] PROBLEM

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #2: You are a FAT and LAZY SLOB  You’ve worked at Microsoft for >5 yrs.  You Drive a Nice Car & It’s Paid For.  You Live in a Big House.  You Don’t Worry About Paying Bills.  You Want to Kiss The Kids Goodnight.  You Your Spouse > Your Startup. tip: Doing a Startup is a Lesson in Pain & Sacrifice.

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #3: You Have a BUSINESS PLAN, But No Product and No Customers.Bullshit RevenueProjection ----->(up & to the right) See: “Startup Metrics for Pirates”

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #4: Your Idea SUCKS (and even your Mom thinks so)  You Don’t Have a Working Prototype.  Worse: Have Prototype, But No One Uses It.  It Sucks a Lot More than the Competition. See: “Lean Startup (Ries) & Customer Development (Blank)”

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #5: You Have Teh Awesome SOLUTION… to a PROBLEM that does not exist. See: “Your Solution Is Not My Problem”

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #6: You’re a LOSER, not a LEADER.  You Procrastinate. A Lot.  You’re not Charismatic.  You Get Beaten [Up] Regularly.  Your Vision is usually Wrong.  You’re Scared of Change.  When Other People Tell You That You’re Wrong, You Believe Them.  …and you’re Ugly too, bitch. Watch: “Kick-Ass” or “Glee”

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #7: Your Pitch Sucks & You Won’t Raise Money (or SuperAngels Collude to Screw You Over)  50 slides in your deck  Technical Jargon  Demo FAIL  Clueless Investors  EVIL Investors See: “How To Pitch a VC”

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #8: Your Team Sucks, and You Have No Idea How to Hire (or Fire).  No Technical Founders / Coders  No Design / UX / Usability  No Internet Mktg (Search, Social)  No Mobile expertise  No Enterprise Sales / Biz Dev  No Recruiter, or They Suck… Bad.

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #9: CoFounders & Employees = Whiners.  You WILL miss a payroll.  Someone WILL eat last slice of pizza.  There WILL be Office Politics.  People WILL discover and compare salary & stock options.  Someone WILL sue yer ass:  Sexual Harassment  Wrongful Termination  Unhappy Customer  Jealous Competitor

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #10: You Can’t Sell or Market 4 Shit.  You Don’t Know Marketing.  You Think Marketing = TechCrunch.  You Don’t Know What SEO stands for.  You Think SEM = SEO.  You Don’t Know or Use Social Platforms (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube).  You’ve never built Facebook or iPhone App, or a Social Game.  You’ve never sent an emailSee: “Startup-Marketing.com (Ellis)” campaign, written a blog post, or run an affiliate marketing campaign.

DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU
WILL FAIL. #11: You’d Rather Change the Channel Than Change The World.  Wouldn’t you rather watch Dabangg or T-20?  Sure you would, Loser.  Just relaaaaaxxxxxx. Fuck.  That. Noise.