This is the slide deck for my 4-hour workshop about giving and receiving feedback.

1. LEARNING FEEDBACK WITH LEGO
The Building Blocks of Giving and Receiving
Feedback
Arthur Doler
@arthurdoler
arthurdoler@gmail.com

2. A QUICK SURVEY

3. WHAT IS FEEDBACK?

4. You
Tests
Review
s
Advic
e
Audition
s
Grade
s
Score
s
Comment
s
Critiques
Emotion
s
Survey
s
Sound
s
Argument
s
Physical
Sensation
s
Evaluations
Significa
nt Looks
Judgement
s

5. ProcessInput Output
Feedbac
k

6. WHY DOES FEEDBACK MATTER?

8. BUT MOST FEEDBACK SUCKS

9. 825 million work-hours spent annually on
performance reviews
That’s 94,000 work-years

10. 51% of respondents said their
performance review was unfair or
inaccurate
25% of employees fear performance
reviews more than anything else at work

11. Millions of hours of feedback training
… about giving feedback
Push, and push harder

12. HOW DO WE FIX IT, IF YOU’RE SO SMART?

14. 3 types of feedback and 2 types of
mirrors
Feedback labels and unpacking them
Feedback triggers and solutions
The whole feedback conversation

15. THE 3 TYPES OF FEEDBACK AND
2 TYPES OF MIRRORS

16. APPRECIATION

17. EXAMPLES
“I’m grateful to have you on the team!”
“Thanks for taking the time to do that
right.”
Silently dropping a bottle of scotch on an
employee’s desk and walking away

18. Why we want it
Acknowledgement, belonging
What it’s good for
To acknowledge, connect, motivate,
thank
Pitfalls
Not meeting the three criteria
• Specific
• Authentic
• In a form the receiver values & understands

19. COACHING

20. EXAMPLES
“You could be more effective at feedback if you
read this book.”
“I’ve found that the Observer Pattern helps out a
lot with that sort of problem. You might try it
next time.”
“Next time I have that issue, can you help me
out?”

21. Why we want it
Improvement, growth, and change
What it’s good for
Addressing one of two things – a need
to develop certain skills, or to fix a
problem or flaw in the relationship
Pitfalls
Can be frustrating, met with arguments
or ingratitude, and is not often rewarded

22. EVALUATION

23. EXAMPLES
“You were the top performer in the sales
group this year.”
“Your beard is awfully scruffy today.”
“You are going to fail this course if you don’t
get your act together.”

24. Why we want it
Planning, knowing where we stand
What it’s good for
To quantify, clarify, and inform
Pitfalls
Often loud, sometimes hurtful

25. THERE’S SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I
FORGOT TO TELL YOU

27. EXAMPLE
Alice: “I’ve decided to take up painting,
and I want you to be the first one to see
my first finished work! What do you
think?”
Bob: “I think your brushwork could be
cleaner here, and I’m curious about
of your color choices…”

28. EXAMPLE
Claire: “I think being a PM really suits me.
Do you have any suggestions?”
Don: “No, I think you’re doing great!
Keep up the good work!”

29. EXAMPLE
Don: “Hey, Bob. I think you’re doing great work,
but I need you to be filling out those TPS
daily, okay? Thanks! Really glad you’re on the
team.”
Bob’s Internal Dialog: “Are you kidding me?
We’re swamped with support tickets and our
velocity is tanking, and he’s worried about TPS
reports? I’ve got to get a better job…”

30. SUPPORTIVE MIRRORS

31. EXAMPLE
Alice: “Can you believe what Don said to
me this morning? Where does he get off?!”
Bob: “Yeah, that guy’s really let his
promotion go to his head. Makes me wish I
could deflate him.”
Alice: “I know, right? Ugh.”

32. The Good
Emotionally supportive
Strengthens the relationship
Reinforces self-image
The Bad
Reinforces self-image
Ignores potential issues
Skips teaching moments

33. HONEST MIRRORS

34. EXAMPLE
Alice: “Can you believe what Don said to
me this morning? Where does he get off?!”
Bob: “Don’s a jerk, but he’s kind of right. You
do need to prepare for these meetings
more.”
Alice: “Wait. You agree with him? Huh.
Maybe I am getting a little lazy…”

35. The Good
Grows the relationship
Calls out potential issues
Uses teaching moments
The Bad
Not always welcome
Difficult to determine appropriateness
Requires thoughtfulness

36. EXERCISE 1
Partner
Whomever you’re sitting nearest to
Goals
Try out the feedback types
Experience each side of the mirror types
Time
Build: 10 minutes
Feedback: 10 minutes

37. EXERCISE 1 DISCUSSION

38. LABELS

39. YOUR BRAIN, THE SYMBOL MACHINE

40. Chees
e
Pizza
WineItaly
Franc
e
Macaro
ni
Pasta
Bordeau
x
Romanc
e
Languag
e
Pitch
Italian
Frenc
h
Salad
Dressin
g
Tar
Mario
Bros.
Mous
e
Cat
Baseba
ll

41. “Be more Proactive .”

42. HOW DO YOU UNPACK LABELS?

43. THE LIFE OF A FEEDBACK STATEMENT

44. Data
Interpretatio
n
Label
Advice or
Consequence
s
“Going To”“Coming From”

45. …what data?
Proactiv
e
Interpretatio
n Data

46. ASK: “WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?”
… REPEATEDLY

47. COMING FROM EXAMPLE
“Be more assertive.”
“You were too laid back.”
“Well, you didn’t…”
Label
Interpretatio
n
Data

48. GOING TO
Clarify the advice
•If you wanted to follow the advice, could you
it?
Clarify the consequences & expectations
•What will happen immediately?
•What are you expected to do?
•What will happen if you don’t?

49. EXERCISE 2
Partner
Someone you don’t know
Goals
Practice identifying and unpacking labels
Time
Build: 10 minutes
Feedback: 10 minutes

50. EXERCISE 2 DISCUSSION

51. FEEDBACK
TRIGGERS

52. SOME FEEDBACK IS EASY

54. AND THEN SOME FEEDBACK IS NOT

56. DIFFICULT FEEDBACK TRIGGERS
MENTAL DEFENSE SYSTEMS
Rar!

57. Truth Triggers
Relationship Triggers
Identity Triggers

58. ProcessInput Output
Feedback
Inquiry
Explanatio
n
Triggers

59. TRUTH TRIGGERS

60. EXAMPLE
Don: “I do like the general layout of the
form, but I think you need to put more
effort into the UX of the error cases.”
Alice: “The last time you touched an
application it was written in Fortran.
do you even know about UX?”

61. THE FLAVORS OF WRONG

62. Factually Wrong
Different-Planet Wrong
Used To Be Right
Right According to the Wrong People
Wrong Context
Right for You, Wrong for Me
Actually Correct, but Not Right Now
Unhelpful

65. HOW DO YOU DEFUSE TRUTH TRIGGERS?

66. ASK: “WHAT’S DIFFERENT?”

67. DIFFERENT DATA?
You don’t notice everything
You have biases!
Yes, you do.
No really, you do.

68. 92% of American drivers think they are better
than average
90% of managers think they’re in the top 10%

69. DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION?
Clarify to the point of absurdity
Dig out implicit rules

70. ASK: “WHAT’S RIGHT?”

71. What makes sense?
What’s worth trying?
How can you give them the benefit of the
doubt about their feedback?

72. WHAT IF YOU STILL DISAGREE?

73. EXERCISE 3
Partner
Someone else you don’t know
Goals
Experience truth triggers and solutions
Time
Build: 10 minutes
Feedback: 10 minutes

74. EXERCISE 3 DISCUSSION

75. RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS

76. FOR YOUR PLEASURE: A SHORT DRAMA
EXAMPLE

77. SWITCHTRACKING
A
A
A
A
B
B
Feedback occurs
We respond to the giver,
not the feedback

78. B
What about
me?!
Staying silent
makes it worse

79. 2 RELATIONSHIP TRIGGER TYPES

80. WHAT WE THINK ABOUT THEM
What we think about their feedback skills
What we think about their credibility and
knowledge
What we think about how much we trust
them

81. HOW WE FEEL TREATED BY THEM
Do they give us appreciation?
Do they give us autonomy?
Do they give us acceptance?

82. HOW DO YOU DEFUSE
RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS?

83. BE AWARE OF SWITCHTRACKING

84. TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE

85. They may suck at feedback …
Is their feedback still right?
They may be inexperienced…
Is their inexperience valuable here?
We may not trust them…
Assume they mean well. Is the feedback still
valid?

86. USE SYSTEMS THINKING
ASK: “WHO IS THE PROBLEM?”
ASK: “WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?”

87. SYSTEMS THINKING:
TAKE THREE STEPS BACK

88. 1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS
You Me Problem?

89. 1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS
Ask: “What is each of us
contributing?”
Ask: “In what ways does the feedback
reflect differences in preferences,
assumptions, styles, or implicit rules
between us?”

90. Role A
2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES
Role Confusion
Me
Yo
u
I’m in charge of
that! I have
feedback for you.
... who made YOU
boss?
Role A

91. Role B
2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES
Role Clarity
Me
Yo
u
My role is to ensure
we take minimal
risk.
... but my role is to
innovate!
Role A

92. 2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES
Ask: “Do our roles make it more or less
likely that we might have conflict with each
other?”

93. 3 STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE
Policies
… oh
boy.
Role B
Yo
u
Me
Role A

94. 3 STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE
Ask: “What other players influence our behavior
and choices? Are physical setups, processes, or
structures also contributing to the problem?”

95. USING THE SYSTEM LENS

96. START WITH YOU
Ask: “What am I doing (or failing to do) that
is contributing to the dynamic between us?”
Ask: “What parts of the system am I
responsible for?”
Don’t: Switchtrack by focusing on what isn’t
your fault

97. AVOID SHIFTING AND ABSORBING
Blame absorbers say “It’s all me!”
Blame shifters say “It’s anyone but me!”

98. LOOK FOR “ME + EVERYBODY” INTERSECTIONS
If you’re the common factor in a bunch of
problems…
Then great!

99. “YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO PASS THE BUCK!”
“This problem isn’t systemic – it’s you!”
Reframe your suggestion
“Here’s what would help me change”

100. EXERCISE 4
Partner
Someone you do know
Goals
Experience relationship triggers and their solutions
Time
Build: 10 minutes
Feedback: 5 minutes

101. EXERCISE 4 DISCUSSION

102. IDENTITY TRIGGERS

103. EXAMPLE
Don: “Okay, this meeting is super
important. I need you to be on your
game in there.”
Bob: “… whose game do you think I was
on until now? Are you saying you don’t
think I perform well?”

104. HOW YOUR FEELINGS MESS WITH
FEEDBACK

105. Consistency Bias
We change how we recall the past
Flooding
We let feedback apply to unrelated areas
Continuity Bias
We change how we view the future
Future Tripping
We obsess over predicted consequences
FOUR DISTORTION PATTERNS

106. HOW DO YOU DEFUSE
IDENTITY TRIGGERS?

107. KNOW THE 50-40-10 RULE

108. KNOW YOUR WIRING

109. 1. Baseline
2. Swing
3. Sustain/Recovery
1
1
2
2
3
3

110. Long Sustain of
Positive
Short Sustain of
Positive
Quick Recovery from
Negative
“I love feedback!” “No big deal either
way.”
Slow Recovery from
Negative
“I’m hopeful, but
fearful.”
“I hate feedback!”

111. DISMANTLE DISTORTIONS

112. SEPARATE THE STRANDS
Ask: “What do I feel?”
Ask: “What’s the story I’m telling myself?”
Ask: “What’s the actual feedback?”

113. FRAME THE FICTION
Restrict time, specificity, and people
Right-size the consequences

114. CHANGE THE CONTEXT
Imagine you’re an observer
Look back from the future
Cast the comedy

115. ASK: “CAN I CONTROL WHAT OTHERS THINK
OF ME?”

116. CULTIVATE A GROWTH PERSONALITY

117. ASK: “IS MY SELF-STORY ROBUST OR
BRITTLE?”

118. EMBRACE COMPLEXITY
Negative feedback wrecks all-or-nothing
personalities
Embrace identity nuance
•You will make mistakes
•You have complex intentions
•You have contributed to the problem

119. EXERCISE 5
Partner
Whoever you worked with in Exercise 1
Goals
Experience identity triggers and their solutions
Time
Build: 10 minutes
Feedback: 10 minutes

120. EXERCISE 5 DISCUSSION

121. FEEDBACK
CONVERSATION

122. CONVERSATIONAL ARC
OPEN
BODY
CLOSE

123. OPEN: GET ALIGNED

124. 1. What’s my purpose in
giving/receiving this feedback?
2. What’s my desired outcome?
3. Is it the right purpose from my point
of view?
4. Is it the right purpose from their
point of view?

125. BODY: MANAGE THE CONVERSATION

126. BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER

127. Convey that you’ve heard them
Listen for what’s right
Repurpose your inner monologue
Beware “Hot Inquiry”

128. ASSERT WHAT’S LEFT OUT

129. Convincing someone they’re wrong?

130. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
Their Data Your Data
Their
Interpretation Your
Interpretation

131. REFEREE USING PROCESS MOVES

132. Diagnose
Figure out why you’re stuck
Describe
Describe and restate the conversation
Propose
Offer solutions and suggestions to move forward

133. PROBLEM SOLVE TO CREATE POSSIBILITIES

134. Know the difference between positions and
interests
Find their interests
Usually 3 main sources of interests
• Helping you
• Helping themselves and the relationship
• Helping the organization/family/someone else

135. CLOSE: GET COMMITMENT

136. Where do each of you stand?
What’s the action plan?
What are the consequences, if any?
When do you meet again?

137. EXERCISE 6
Partner
Anyone you haven’t worked with yet
Goals
Practice the Feedback Conversation
Time
Brainstorming: 5 minutes
Build: 10 minutes
Feedback: 10 minutes

138. EXERCISE 6 DISCUSSION

139. THE MAJOR TAKEAWAYS

140. RECEIVING FEEDBACK

141. 1) Know what type of feedback and mirror
you actually want
2) Get those labels unpacked
3) Be aware of your triggers and the
techniques to defuse them
4) To find solutions, focus on interests and
not positions

142. GIVING FEEDBACK

143. 1) Is your recipient willing to accept
feedback now (or from you)?
2) Consider your positions and interests
when you open the conversation
3) Unpack labels yourself to help the
recipient
4) Use process moves to deal with conflicts
5) Give people time to deal with their

144. THANKS

145. Arthur Doler
@arthurdoler
arthurdoler@gmail.com

146. Thanks For The Feedback – Douglas Stone &
Sheila Heen
Mindset – Carol Dweck
Crucial Conversations - Kerry Patterson, Joseph
Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Why I Don’t Like You – Perfect Strangers and
Your Worst Enemies