2. What is Conscious Discipline?
“Conscious Discipline is an evidence-based,
comprehensive, multidisciplinary self-regulation program.
It addresses the emotional intelligence of adults first and
children second.”
Bailey, B. (2017).
Conscious Discipline Parent Education Curriculum.
Orlando, FL: Loving Guidance.
Once we learn how to self-regulate ourselves we will be able
to teach children to do the same. By doing this, we help
children who are physically aggressive (survival state) or
verbally aggressive (emotional state) become more integrated
so they can learn and use problem-solving skills (executive
state).
10. Brain Storm
• What interactions did you observe and how
could the teacher have done it differently?
• What are some of the child’s triggers that you
can see?
• What are some ways the teacher could have
helped the other teacher?
• How would you respond? Pick a scenario in
the video.
11. Skills- What You Can Use When
Someone Is In The Survival State
• NARCS
– NOTICING
– ASSERTIVENESS (ADULTS)
– ROUTINES WITH PICTURES
– COMPOSURE
– SAFE PLACE AND SAFE KEEPER
12.
13. Survival State: Am I Safe?
Assertiveness
Where should you
be?
Why are you doing
that?
You are doing that to
make a mess!
It is time to clean up
the markers. The
markers go in the
red bin.
Practicing an Assertive Voice
1. The sky is blue.
2. The light is on.
3. It is time to clean up.
16. Survival State: Am I Safe?
Composure through Active Calming
Active Calming
1. Breathing - S.T.A.R. (Smile, Take a breath, And, Relax)
2. Affirmations - “I’m safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this.”
3. Wish well – Become the inner state you want the child to achieve.
“You are safe. Breathe with me.”
17.
18. So what does
this look like in a
Northern
Panhandle Head
Start classroom?
24. Rituals
• Human connection creates neural connections in the brain. Our
brains are shaped by our loving relationships. The health of a
child’s relationship with others is the vital link to academic
success. I Love You Rituals are activities that provide
unconditional acceptance, sensory integration caring touch and
messages of home for children.
• In just minutes a day, these powerful rituals:
– Promote learning and literacy
– Increase attention span
– Decrease power struggles
– Increase cooperation
– Enhance self-esteem through permanent brain chemistry changes
– Provides non-demanding, easy to read interaction.
– Teaches child to feel safe and relaxed with your interactions.
• I Love You Rituals are:
– Moments of unconditional love.
– Predictable patterns that encode episodic memories of love and
acceptance.
– Often paired with rhythmic patterns and sensory preferences.
• Use I Love You Rituals to add bonding to normal daily routines, to
engage child in interactive play and soothe child when scared or
anxious. Play around with different rituals until you find several
that really attract the child.
28. Emotional State: Am I Loved?
Encouragement
Noticing to Encourage Kindness and Helpfulness
You (what was done) so (how it was helpful). That was
(descriptive tag).
Noticing to Encourage Compliance After Assertive Command
“You did it! You (what was done).”
31. Emotional State: Am I Loved?
Empathy
Describe actions when eye contact is made.
Notice the feeling. (You seem _______?)
Acknowledge the child’s desire with positive intent. (You wanted _____.)
Your (body part) is going like this. You seem (feeling).
You wanted (desired object/action).
32. Emotional State: Am I Loved?
Choices
Two Positive Choices
1. Breathe deeply and make a conscious decision to
focus on what you want the child to do.
2. Say “You have a choice!” in an upbeat tone.
3. Clearly state the two choices.
4. Ask for a commitment (i.e. “What is your choice?)
5. Notice the choice with encouragement
When to Use Choices
Survival State:
Assertive Command
Emotional State:
2 Positive Choices
Executive State:
Open-Ended
Questions
39. Executive State: What Can I Learn?
Positive Intent
1. Notice you are upset. Actively calm yourself.
2. Focus on what you want to happen. Shift your attention and your
intention will follow.
3. Change your beliefs about the other person’s motives from
negative to positive.
No one can make me angry without my permission!
40. Academic
Integration
• When we are all
able to shift from
survival to
emotional then
from emotional to
executive, we are all
able to learn.
• Only in the
executive state, we
are all able to
accept new
information.
41. Executive State: What Can I Learn?
Consequences
Related – Respectful – Reasonable - Empathy
You seem (feeling). You were hoping to (desired activity). It’s hard. Breathe with me.
You’re safe. You can handle it.
1. Choices
Helpful or hurtful with specific outcomes
2. Related
Relate hurtful strategy to safety/rules
3. Reflect
Ask child to repeat result of hurtful
choice
4. Clarify
Be sure child understands the
consequence
5. Apply
Restate the consequence as a choice
the child made
6. Empathy
Provide empathy necessary to learn
You have a choice! You can choose to (helpful skill) and (positive consequence) or
you can choose to (hurtful skill) and (negative consequence)
so (relate to safety/agreement).
Tell me what will happen if you (hurtful action) again.
I see by your actions you have chosen to (specific description of actions).
42. Executive Skills
• When we see misbehavior as an opportunity,
we can lend OUR executive skills to them to
scaffold learning. This is an opportunity to
teach.
• We have opportunities everyday to practice
skills!
48. Brain Game
Example 1:
• Adult: “Children, it is time to go outside and play.
If you’re wearing red, line up.”
• Child: “Remains seated head down.”
Example 2:
• Adult: “What did I just tell you! Get back to your
seat!”
• Child: “Shut up and leave me alone!”
• Adult: “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again!”
• Child: Throws stuff off table top.
49. Brain Game
Example 3:
• Child: Points to object and makes noise.
• Adult: “You wanted the ball. Here you go.”
Example 4:
Infant: Wiggles arms and fusses.
Adult: “Stop it. I am right here.”
50. Brain Game
Example 5:
• Child: “No, mine!!!”
• Adult: “Be nice and share!”
• Child: NO! MINE!”
• Adult: “Do you want to have friends?”
• Child: Child hold animal tightly and squeezes.”
• Adult: Grabs toy out of child’s hand.
• Child: Kicks the adult!
53. It is our job as caretakers to:
Establish a sense of
safety
Form a connection
Teach problem-solving
54.
55. Four Brain Smart Principles that help
change our states
1. The brain is pattern-seeking.
2. The best exercise for the
brain is exercise.
3. Connections on the outside
build connections on the
inside.
4. The brain functions
optimally when we feel
safe.
56. 1. The brain is pattern-seeking
• When the pattern is
found, predictability is
enhanced and safety is
facilitated.
• Without the pattern,
anxiety is the norm.
• Visual routines help to
create safety.
57. 2. The best exercise for the brain is
exercise
• Exercise does more than build muscles, it
repairs cognitive disorders like ADHD and
enhances higher thinking skills.
• 30 minutes of aerobic exercise has the same
effect as taking Prozac for the relief of
depression.
• Standing up provides 10-15% more blood to
the brain.
59. 4. The brain functions optimally when
we feel safe.
Editor's Notes
Reminder: We are putting 7 days of training into a ½ day, so it may move quickly or skim over some parts, but this training should lay the foundation of knowledge you will need to learn about and implement the skills and strategies involved in Conscious Discipline.
There is no magic wand to prevent unwanted behaviors, but Conscious Discipline gives us the tools to better respond when they do occur.
Adults first- child second- language analogy:
If I don’t know ASL, I cannot teach ASL.
If I only know a limited amount, I can only teach a limited amount.
In order to teach a new language, I must know it, understand it, and be able to fluently converse in that language. Conscious Discipline is the same- you cannot
teach it (to adults or children) until you personally know, understand, and use it.
In Conscious Discipline we talk about states in relation to what part of the brain is reacting.
Brain Stem = Survival State = Fight, Flight, or Freeze. These are automatic reflexes that occur to protect us. If a car is coming right at you, you are not going to stop and think, should I hit my brakes, or swerve to the right, oh wait there is a car there so I can’t do that. No, our brain does that for us. So when we are operating from the survival state we are seeking safety, every situation our brain is asking “Am I safe?”
Limbic System = Emotional State = Connection. We are seeking connection. When we are operating out of the Emotional State our brain is asking “Am I loved?” We need connection from the moment we are born.
Prefrontal Lobes = Executive State = The problem solving part of the brain. In this state the brain is asking, “What can I learn from this situation?”
Staff in groups of
Practice page 12
Assertiveness: Expressing needs, wants, and desires constructively, without devaluing the other person’s needs, wants, and desires.
WHAT YOU FOCUS ON, YOU GET MORE OF.
Is this assertive?
1. Passive: Gives power to others. When children don’t do what you want with the power you’ve given, you feel powerless and frustrated.
2. Aggressive: Speaking for others or aiming to win by overpowering.
3. Assertive: Clear communication that paints a pictures of what we want others to do.
Name, Verb, Paint: Gain the child’s attention, verbalize what you want to see, paint the mental picture.
We hear the verb, so state what you DO want, not what you don’t.
Practicing
Specific, Clearly Communicated, Based on Usable Information
Conscious Discipline: 2 acceptable choices, 1 unacceptable choice
When you wake up, do you enjoy knowing that you are going to get to put clothes on and eat before you leave the house? How would your morning have been different if you woke up without knowing that? What if you woke up with no idea what time you would have to leave for work or what tasks you would have to complete before you leave? What if you came to work with no idea how long you would have to stay or what you would have to do before you got to see your home again?
I know it seems like we do the same thing every single day in the classroom, so they should know what to expect. But this environment is new to the children and, for some children, the idea of any type of routine is new. They cannot be expected to know what is going to happen unless we teach them. Using visual routines and schedules gives the children the sense of safety and security they need to stay out of the survival brain state. They know their needs will be met and in what order.
Classroom schedule, now-then board, routines within schedule
Composure is self-regulation in action. It is the prerequisite skill adults need before disciplining children.
A trigger is anything that activates the perception of threat- that thing that instantly draws a reaction from you. That threat to our safety puts our brain in the survival state where everything shuts down. We essentially go into auto-pilot and respond the way our brain is programmed to respond, like a CD-ROM. Identifying what triggers us allows us to be aware of what causes our upset so we can “re-program” the CD-ROM.
2. Calming looks different depending on the brain state you are in:
Survival: Smile (tricks your brain into thinking you are happy), take a deep breath, and (pause…stop that CD-ROM from kicking in), relax (exhale, relax shoulders and facial muscles)
Emotional: Remind ourselves that we are safe and we can handle
Executive: Wishing well is sending all of the love you have to someone else. It centers us, getting our hearts and minds in alignment, activating our prefrontal lobe, keeping us out of the survival state. It also radiates the “all is well” mindset that helps us move to the higher centers of the brain. This has been proven effective through research on sick couples and positive energy. When one partner is ill and the other sends positive energy and well wishes, the ill partner shows documented improvements in vital signs/symptoms. (information is found in Conscious Discipline books)
3. Managing Stress-
Place left hand on chest, right on belly. Breathe. Which moves first?
Left=shallow breathing
Right= deep breathing (what we want)
Deep breathing allows us to increase oxygen, reduce artery constriction, and allows our brain to function properly.
Step 1: Go when they are triggered. Mobile Safe Place is also an option if needed.
Step 2: I Calm- use breathing strategies
Step 3: I Feel- must identify feeling to be able to manage it. More on this in upcoming video
Step 4: I Choose- Activity to move from lower to higher center of brain. What activity will help them to do this?
Step 5: I Solve- Must address the initial cause of upset
Demonstrate with board- easy to make!
Introduce safe place and all parts before implementing. Make sure children know what to do with each piece before opening the safe place.
Lets move on to the Emotional State. The Emotional State is activated when things don’t go your way. It reacts when our buttons or triggers are pushed. You will recognize yourself in the Emotional state when you start thinking things like…”I don’t get paid enough to put up with this” The Emotional State asks “Am I Loved?” and it requires secure attachment and connection with others to develop optimally. Highly charged memories are stored in the Limbic System. That’s why people can remember every word their spouse said in a fight or an embarrassing moment that happened in elementary school. Once an experience
This part of the brain is also cautious, if it sense fear, or a dangerous situation it is going to sound an alarm. Triggering the survival state to act to protect you. You have lots of memories stored in the limbic system, the brain seeks patterns, so if it remembers a situation or an experience that caused pain, fear, anxiety the amygdala will sound an alarm. Every time the alarm goes off that memory is stored on your CD-Rom for the future so it will know how to react next time to try to prevent pain, injury. When you hear a fire alarm sound what do you do? You get up and leave, has anyone here ever experienced a live fire where they had to evacuate? When you here the fire alarm go off now, does it trigger anything? You may start to sweat, and your heart beats faster, even though you know that it is just a drill, your limbic system recalls that event and sets your body into action, fight, flight to help save you.
When someone is in their emotional state, here is what their behavior will look like. Name calling, “you can’t play with us”, talking about others, blaming others, crying, being emotional. This is the brains attempt to protect itself, it needs connection but doesn’t get it so lashes out to hurt others in order to protect themselves from getting further hurt.
Watch video, then discuss as a whole
All children have said “look at me!!” We optimize brain development by connecting what is happening with the words of encouragement.
By using the words “You did it” you are instilling pride in them for what they have done. We often times say “I'm proud of you” and that gives the message that they have to please others.
Non-judgmental- noticing, not judging or assigning value.
Being of service activates the optimal learning state of relaxed alertness, which leads to greater academic gains. Jobs allow each child to be of service.
Jobs must be meaningful to the functioning of the classroom. (i.e. fish feeder, but no fish?)
Ideally, every child would have a job every day.
Teach each job as the need arises.
Rotate weekly.
Steps to delivering positive choices.
When a child is in the Survival State, an assertive command is more appropriate.
Using choices allows us to upshift from emotional state to executive state, so it can only be used in the emotional state.
When a child is in the Executive State, they have access to their problem-solving skills . At this time, it is more appropriate to ask an open-ended question: i.e. “How will you…”
Refer to CD Book
The DNA process is an important part of helping a child upshift from the survival state to emotional state.
D – Describe the child’s action. You do this and do the action to get them to look at you. Once they look at you then you can download your calm by taking a breath, which they will unconscious mirror due to mirror neurons.
Then you are going to Name the feeling. If you don’t know then guess…they will tell you if you are wrong.
Acknowledge what happened or what they wanted.
“Your arms are going like this” BREATHE “You seem angry, you wanted to keep playing”
You are validating their feelings, showing them that what they are feeling is important, and you are going to help them.
Emotional Regulation cycle:
If repeated, child learns emotional regulation. We must offer empathy (during the comfort giving) for this to occur.
In order to offer empathy, we must avoid negative emotions/judgment.
THE MOMENT IS AS IT IS. – accepting this helps us to learn to avoid judgment
Empathy is a difficult skill to master!
Common Practices instead of empathy:
Sharing similar experiences
Giving fix-it advice
Offering humor
Reassuring
Gushing with sympathy
Empathy Styles:
Ignoring: Focus only on behaviors- “You know the rules”
Saving: “Happy up” the children- “It’s okay. You are here now. You don’t have to be angry”
Punishing: Criticize feelings or forbid outward expressions- “You will not talk to me like that.”
Dismissing: Minimizing feelings- “It will be fine.”
****PREFFERRED STYLE**** Coaching: Using moments of upset to teach emotional regulation- DNA
D- Describe what you are seeing. When connection is made, take a deep breath to download calm and give the child’s system time to begin dissipating the intensity.
N- Name the feeling the child is communicating. “You seem ____” with a questioning tone and an educated guess. Then move on quickly.
A- Acknowledge the child’s desire with positive intent while validating the experience.
Practice DNA
Steps to delivering positive choices.
Using choices allows us to upshift from emotional state to executive state, so it can only be used in the emotional state.
In Survival State, choices will not work. Imagine being chased by a swarm of bees. As the bees close in on you, you yell for a friend to bring you the repellant spray and before they do it, they ask you to choose which brand you would like. Obviously, this was not the time to give you a choice.
When a child is in the Survival State, an assertive command is more appropriate.
Emotional state: A child who stop playing to clean up. “you have a choice you can save this for later by putting it in your cubby or you can put it on the shelf, what do you choose? You did it! You chose to put it in your cubby to finish it later.” Make sure the choices you give you have the end result desired and that you are ok with either choice. It you say, you can choose to put it in your cubby or take it with you, but they are not allowed to have toys at the table then you are creating a whole new issue.
When a child is in the Executive State, they have access to their problem-solving skills, so offering 2 choices could be limiting and cause anger. At this time, it is more appropriate to ask an open-ended question: i.e. “How will you…”
This helps create that connection. Children get to know one another, link home family to school family, and feel a sense of belonging- CONNECTION! (SCHOOL FAMILY)
Can be board or book
Sending positive energy
Start with absent children, then move to wishing well students who are just having a tough moment
The Executive state consist of the prefrontal lobes. This part of the brain controls impulse control, empathy, working memory, attention, all higher leveling thinking and abilities. It is always looking for the “what can I learn from this situation”. This is where we access our brilliance, this is where we can make good decisions, and react positively and appropriately to anything that we face. This is when we can handle a bad situation with control. This is a hard place to access sometimes. This is where we need to be in order to help our children. We need to access our brilliance in order to help a child access theirs.
These are the functions that you see once someone is in their Executive State. Realizing something didn’t go well, and problem solving what you can do differently next time. To get to your executive state, you need to breathe, remind yourself that you are safe and that you can handle it.
Problem-solving is impossible without a vigilant focus on solutions instead of blame. It does not matter who did it, what matters is that something has happened. Focus on the solution, rather than who was wrong. We do not care who was wrong, mistakes are opportunities to learn a new skill.
We are always trying to figure out others’ motives. We want to know why they do what they do.
The Amygdala constantly scans surroundings for potential danger and stores the emotional events in our brain.
Driver analogy- When another driver cuts you off, if you get angry and upset, it does not change that driver’s behavior. He will cut you off whether it angers you or not. All getting angry does is send you to survival/emotional state. However, if you assign a positive intent (i.e. “He is in a hurry and just did not see me here.”), you avoid that anger/upset. This is what Mrs. P did for DJ. You couldn’t find my class…
Child examples- Whatever triggers you (i.e. won’t clean up, whining, etc.). If you assign negative intent (i.e. “He is just doing this to make my day harder.”) you are putting yourself into a lower Brain State, and making it even more difficult to deal with the situation at hand. However, if you assign positive intent (i.e. “He just doesn’t remember how to use his words.”) you are allowing yourself to upshift brain states and help the child learn.
All other 6 skills must be in place for consequences to be effective.
Consequences do not teach skills, only motivate to use skills already in place.
BRAIN:
Pre-frontal lobe develops through problem-solving in social settings.
Stressful early environments result in impaired executive skills. When a young child is constantly stressed, his/her brain is not able to function with problem-solving, but is focused on survival. Therefore, those connections never develop and that child will have difficulty accessing the Executive Brain State. Therefore, it is our job to provide the opportunities to problem-solve together.
True consequence isn’t the physical result, but the way we feel about the result. Example: a bad grade- the physical letter on a piece of paper isn’t the consequence, the feeling when showing it to someone is.
In order for a consequence to be effective, it must be applied to a connected child who already possesses the desired skill.
Natural consequences when safety is not a concern (i.e. child refuses to share table toys- no children want to play with them)
reflect on result of choice with child to help him/her learn from experience.
Logical Consequences
Is the child a connected member of the school family?
Does she already possess the skill we are motivating her to use?
Consequences must be:
RELATED- related in a cause/effect nature to action, related back to safety/helpfulness/class agreements. (unrelated: a child refuses to share and loses recess)
RESPECTFUL- assertive voice, intent to teach (not threatening)
REASONABLE- doable and makes sense in terms of duration and severity (no empty threats)
EMPATHY- Offering empathy results in reflection and ownership. Avoid lectures to avoid blame and emotional/survival state
Example:
You have a choice! You can choose to walk with the scissors and cut play-doh with us or run with the scissors and lose the privilege of using the scissors so that everyone with scissors is safe. Tell me what will happen if you run with the scissors again. I see by your actions you have chosen to run with the scissors. You seem sad. You were hoping to cut play-doh with us. It’s hard. Breathe with me. You’re safe. You can handle it.
Remember and model “Mistakes are an opportunity to learn.”
Say “Oops” often and take responsibility for your decisions and actions.
Amber presents her story, Kayven.
To expect a child in your care to be able to access their executive state consistently and on their own is an unrealistic expectation. How many of you are under 24 years old? This part of your brain does not fully mature until 24. Why do you think insurance companies lower rates at the age of 25? They know this information. They know that everyone under 25 are walking around without fully functioning prefrontal lobes which is making them impulsive, emotional, unpredictable. When you have a great day, all your kids are responding to everything you say, they are cleaning up, following the classroom rules, and you are thinking…ah, we finally got there, every day is going to be like this…Guess what…no it’s not. The next day will probably be like these kids have never seen civilization. Why does that happen? Their brains are not fully developed, there basic needs, safety, or connection has not been met that day. They cannot access their executive skills to get themselves and their inner states organized, they need you to be in your executive state to help them get there.
*Keep practicing
How we feel on the inside projects outward to others.
If you are feeling unsafe, how will you react to someone in your face yelling at you? (You may hit them, or push them to protect yourself from getting hurt)
If you are mad because you just got yelled at and someone comes up to you and grabs your phone out of your hand…what would you do? (Yell at them, cry)
What would a child do? What would make them feel unsafe or mad?
If our inner state is upset our behavior will match it. If we are at peace and in a good mood we will more likely to be helpful.
Think about yourself for a minute. When something doesn’t go your way, how do you react? You may say, well it depends on what kind of mood I’m in. That’s true because our state dictates our behavior, and I also like to add that our experiences also dictate our behavior. What I mean by that is if you lived in a high crime area and hear a gun shot you may not even flinch, but for others a gun shot means…duck, run, hide...panic, we can stay in a higher state in our brain when something is familiar of comfortable to us, because our brain is not assessing is this a safe place or situation. Think about that one child in your care that makes your job hard, the child who your stomach knots up a little when you see him walk in the room, the one that you silently or not so silently do a little cheer when they aren’t there for a day. Now apply this to them...their state dictates their behavior. Instead of looking at their behavior and focusing on that, it’s time to start looking at what has happened or is happening to them to make their inner state so chaotic.
So anytime that you want to send a child home because of their behavior, I want you to think of 2 things. #1 this video. #2 what are you sending them home to?
We are doing it backwards, we are trying to change a behavior first. We see a child hit and we call Amanda and say how can we make this kid stop hitting. The behavior isn’t where we start.
We thrive on patterns. They help us organize our thoughts, decisions, and daily lives. Think about the last time a road you typically used was closed. Did you find yourself heading in that direction every time? Going to Weirton…Patterns help you get ready and to work in the mornings.
Children thrive on patterns as well, probably more so. When they can pick out the patterns they can predict what is going to happen next, which creates safety. Having visual schedules and routines add a lot of safety to a child.
We are hard wired from birth to seek connection. It is how we survive. If we do not have connection it impacts social, emotional, physical, and academic skills.
I love you rituals…do Twinkle Twinkle, Wonderful Woman, Round and round the garden
We take a lot of measures to ensure that we provide physical safety for our children. However, emotional safety may be more difficult because it requires us to manage our own emotions in a responsible way. Anger is a natural emotion that indicates something needs our attention and a change is necessary.
