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Authentic communication
- 2. Objectives • Defining authenticity • The Four Tendencies • Identifying your own communication style • Strategies for effective communication
- 3. Find at least 2 definitions of Authentic/Authenticity
- 4. Common Concerns • Distraction from ‘unpleasant’ or negative emotions • Conflict Avoidance • Getting things done faster • Making things easier • Tricks/Manipulations/Sarcasm
- 5. Talk about it Why is this so hard? Where do these habits come from? When is it most difficult to be authentic?
- 8. Expectations Outer Expectations – placed on us by other people Inner Expectations – expectations we place on ourselves
- 9. Upholder •Readily meet external and internal expectations •Self-directed, require little supervision •Enjoy routine and may have trouble adjusting to a break in routine or sudden schedule change
- 10. Upholder • Hate to make mistakes, so may become defensive at the suggestion that they’ve dropped the ball • Put a high value on follow through • Forget that others aren’t necessarily comforted or energized by getting things done • Trouble delegating responsibilities
- 11. Upholder Likely Strengths • Self-starter/self-motivated • Reliable • Thorough • Stick to a schedule • Eager to understand and meet expectations Possible Weaknesses • Defensive • Rigid • Struggles with plan changes • May seem cold or uptight • Impatient • Demanding • Anxious about rules
- 12. Questioner • Question all expectations and meet them only when they believe they are justified • High value on reason, research, and information • Make decisions based on information and reason • Follow the advice of “authorities” only if they trust their expertise • Persistently ask questions
- 13. Questioner • Hates anything arbitrary (5 garments per fitting room) • Dislike being questioned themselves, because they have considered their actions/decisions so carefully already • Trouble delegating decision making
- 14. Questioner Likely Strengths • Data-driven • Fair-minded • Creates efficient systems • Comfortable with warranted confrontation • Inner-directed • Unwilling to accept authority without justification Possible Weaknesses • Analysis-paralysis • Impatient with complacency • Crackpot potential • Unable to accept closure • May refuse to observe fair or nonoptional expectations • May resist answering others questions
- 15. • Readily meet outer expectations but struggle with inner expectations • Place a high value on meeting commitments to others • Succeed when given accountability, with supervision, deadlines, monitoring, etc. • Have trouble setting limits on others’ demands • May have trouble delegating, because they feel expectations attach to them personally Obliger
- 16. Obliger • Must have systems of external accountability in order to meet inner expectations • May be exploited by people who take advantage of them, leading to resentment or burnout • Need managers or others to alleviate expectations, or they may rebel
- 17. Obliger Likely Strengths • Good boss, responsive leader, team player • Feels great obligation to meet others’ expectations • Responsible • Willing to the extra mile • Responds to outer accountability Possible Weaknesses • Susceptible to overwork and burnout • May show destructive pattern “Obliger-rebellion” • Exploitable • May become resentful • Has trouble saying no or imposing limits
- 18. Rebel • Resist both outer and inner expectations • Put a high value on freedom, choice, identity, and self-expression • Resist being told or asked to do something • May choose to act out of love, mission, or belief in cause • Trouble telling themselves what to do, even when they want to do it
- 19. Rebel • Meet a challenge, in their own way, in their own time • Don’t respond well to supervision, advice or directions • Tend to be good at delegating
- 20. Rebel Likely Strengths • Independent-minded • Able to think outside the box • Not swayed by conventional wisdom • Willing to go his or her own way • In touch with authentic desires • Spontaneous Possible Weaknesses • Uncooperative • Inconsiderate • Trouble accomplishing routine tasks • Acts as though ordinary rules don’t apply • Restless • Struggles with routines
- 21. Influence • Upholders want to know what should be done • Questioners want justification • Obligers need accountability • Rebels want freedom to do it their own way
- 22. Reflection Activity: What’s Your Style? • Take 10-15 minutes to complete the Personal Interaction Inventory • Total the numbers in each column. • Determine your ‘color’: • Column A is Green • Column B is Blue • Column C is Yellow • Column D is Red
- 23. Reds The Delegators • Results-Oriented • Take Charge • Bottom Line • Direct Approach Are direct and want a straight-forward approach with focus and short- term goals and immediate results.
- 24. Blue The Implementers • Systems Implementer • Intuitive and Sensitive • Knowledge Intensive • Gets Things Done Are knowledge-based and ask questions in order to have time to assess alternatives and problems. They do not like to be pressured into rapid action.
- 25. Yellow The Talkers •Friendship-oriented •Expressive and Outgoing •Master Communicator •Team Player Are accommodating, flexible, want to be consulted about their opinion, and must feel an integral part of the group. They are highly creative and fun!
- 26. Green The Thinkers •Creates Systems •Highly Functional and Productive •Sees the Big Picture •Analytical and Methodical Turn “what if” ideas into creative systems and benefits. They are reserved, cautious, and make decisions after careful evaluation.
- 27. Effective Communication Communication skills are central to our work: • With colleagues • With parents • With children
- 28. Effective Communication Body Language Tone of voice Words
- 29. Say what you mean • Clear and Concise language • Body language/facial expression/tone • Direct and respectful • Use “I” statements (not third person)
- 30. Be honest (and a little brave) • Acknowledge all feelings • Setting limits without guilt/blame/shame/judgement (FEAR) • Allow them to feel the upset • Think and regulate • Acknowledge your own feelings/fears Be a safe and supportive witness to their emotions – providing coping skills It’s not about you – don’t take it personally.
- 31. Effective Communication • Choose your context • Practice active listening • Solicit input/use open-ended questions • Provide feedback • Check in for shared understanding • Document important conversations/decisions • Show respect • Be available • Be aware of the hidden message: • Tone of voice • Body language
- 32. Styles of Miscommunication 1. Placaters: • Always agreeable, Passive • Act helpless 2. Blamers: • Act superior, Bodies tense, Angry, Gesture by pointing • Try to escape responsibility • Actually feel weak inside but try to hide it
- 33. Styles of Miscommunication 3. Computers: • Very Correct and reasonable, Never show feelings • Produce info like a printout • Appear collected on the outside, but feel vulnerable on the inside 4. Distractors: • Act frenetic and seldom say anything relevant, flit about in work and deed • Avoid discussing relevant feelings and often change the subject
- 34. It’s not about…it is about • Who is what “kind” of communicator • Who “mis-communicates” in what ways • How we talk to one another • What messages we say • How others receive the information • Allow for time and interpretation
- 35. Collaboration/Sharing Power • Admitting mistakes • Apologizing • Compromising • Sharing Power • Negotiables vs. Non-negotiables
- 36. Follow-through (be trustworthy) • Don’t make false promises or threats • Do what you said you would do • Appropriate words relating to situation
- 37. Reflection • Take a look at ourselves • Build the relationship • Think about how our actions effect children • What role do you play in a misunderstanding • How can we be the best “us” to make this the best “place” • Remember…it takes time • Ask questions!