Slides from Dr Kathrine's talk

1. 24/05/2018
1
PSYCHOLOGY OF
CRAZY STUPID LOVE
Dr Kathrine Bejanyan
LOVE
Anna’s Relationship Dilemma:
I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, over 6 months.
He’s a nice guy and fits the qualities I want in a husband.
However, I don’t feel a spark. He kind of looks and dresses
in a different way from what I find attractive.
He’s also not romantic likeother boyfriends have been in
the past. The chemistry is missingand “I just don’t love
him”. I’m wondering if I should stay in the relationship and
keep giving it a chance or just end it?
■ When you stop looking for love, it’llfind you
■ A relationship with the right person should feel easy
■ If you really love each other, you can overcome any
obstacle
■ Love with the right person will last
■ You either have chemistry with the right person or
you don’t
The Power of Beliefs Dr. KathrineBejanyan
Dating andRelationship
Consulting
v Psychology PhD
o Research Focus– Romantic
relationshipscross-culturally
v Counselling Psychology MA
o Accredited member ofthe British
Association for Counsellingand
Psychotherapy
o Licensed Marriage Family Therapist
(California,USA)
kathrinebejanyan.com

2. 24/05/2018
2
What We’ll BeCovering
1. Beliefs and expectations around love
2. Biology and neuroscience of love
3. The emotions and psychology of love
Beliefs about Love
How important is love in a relationship?
If a man or woman had all the other qualities
you desired, would you marry this person if
you were not in love with him or her?
Modern LoveandMarriage
• To consider other things than love is in bad taste
“I love you. Let’s get married.”
“Let’s get married. I will loveyou. ”
The Golden Ageof Marriage
In the mid-1960 a study by Kepart (1967)
asked over a 1,000 students “If a boy or girl
had all the other qualities you desired, would
you marry this person if you were not in love
with him or her?”

3. 24/05/2018
3
The Golden Ageof Marriage
■ 35% of men and 76% of women said they would
marry someone they did not love
■ Men considered passion or love to be more
essential
■ Women were less romantic in their beliefs and said
the absence of love would not necessarily deter
them from considering marriage
SoWhat’s LoveGot toDowithIt?
• Before the 1700 no society ever really equated
romantic or passionate love with marriage
• Marriage was based on economic necessity, political
gains and social cohesion
• Marriage fulfilled the needs of the larger group
So What’s Love Got to Do with It?
■ Marriage was a coalition between two families
(i.e. corporate mergers, military alliances,
political moves)
■ Marriage was not about:
– two people involved
– feelings
– sentimentality
– emotional fulfilment
Romantic love was considered to beimpractical
and unnecessary, and often dangerous in society
■ Ancient Greeks viewed lovesickness as a form
of insanity
■ French in the Middle Ages characterised love as
‘derangement of the mind’

4. 24/05/2018
4
• Most stories, songs or plays connected dark
endings to lovers who acted upon their love
o Passionate love was depicted
as either unrequited, never
consummated, creating family
tragedies, breaking up
alliances or ending in suicide
or death for the lovers
• For thousands of years marriage was about
politics and property
• Romantic love had very little place in proper
society, certainly no place in marital decisions
and alliances
The Revolution of Love in Marriage
Modern Western Marriages
Marriages begins with love and ends when love dies

5. 24/05/2018
5
Modern Western Marriages
■Love is viewed as the primary prerequisite for marriage,
often considered the most important factor
■Falling in love and selecting a potential mate is considered
a normal developmental task for most late adolescents and
young adults
■Love is no longer a by-product of marriage, but the
foundation for it
The same question asked in recent research “If a
boy or girl had all the other qualities you desired,
would you marry this person if you were not in love
with him or her?” (Allgeier & Wiederman, 1991)
• Only 14% of men and 9% of women said they would
marry without love
• Romantic love is now so important that, men and
women claim that if they fell out of love, they would
not consider staying married
• Men and women nowadays value and expect love in
their relationships
Marrying for love does not determine what happens
to a couple after their marriage. Couples still
continue to face common marital challenges like
managing other familial relationships, coping with
conflicts over sexuality, fidelity, roles and
responsibilities . Thus, the normativity of marrying for
love is seldom complete or unproblematic.
Modern Loves, edited byJennifer Hirsch and Holly Wardlow
■ There is considerable evidence that romantic love
is a cultural-universal and has evolutionary basis
• Whenever a trait or quality helps solve an organism’s
survival and reproductive problems, it gets passed
down to future generations
What is the nature of love?

6. 24/05/2018
6
What’s been the purpose of romantic love in our
evolutionary past?
• Helped facilitate reproduction and
attachment/connection between people
• Romantic love is an important factor in drawing two
people together; intensifying their passionate and
sexual desire for each other, culminating in offspring.
What is the nature of love?
• It’s nature’s way of making sure we don’t get too
busy with life, forget to do the deed and die out.
• Romantic love increases our feelings of euphoria,
infatuation, passion and erotic desire for one
another.
In short, it makes us feel great and prevents the
human race from extinction!
The Brain in Love
■ Overdose on a cocktail of hormones
– Dopamine, phenylethylamine (PEA), testosterone,
estragon, serotonin and dehydroepiandrosterone
(DHEA), oxytocin
■ Intense romantic love activates the striatum (“pleasure
centre”)
– One of the parts of the brain which is most heavily
affected by addictive drugs like cocaine and heroin
The result on your emotions and behaviour:
■ Intense sense of connection and attachment to the
person
■ Excitement and euphoria about your partner and life
■ A deep sense of interdepedence is created between
another
■ A sense of certainty that this is “the one”

7. 24/05/2018
7
• Overwhelmingly powerful
• Lose control
• Obsessiveness
• Loss of interest in many things and people in
our life
• Lose of sleep and/or appetite
• Intrusive/disruptive thoughts
• Emotional yearning/craving
• Similar to addiction
Drawbacks of romantic love
■ When you are caught in this state of love:
• You are blind a person’s flaws
• You miss or minimise the red flags
• Overlook issues of incompatibility (i.e. opposites
attract)
Drawbacks of romantic love
It’s not meant to last!
1. Making a baby doesn’t take very long
2. To stay in this state of bliss means nothing would get
done (intrusive thinking, near obsession)
3. Our ancestors did not survivefor very long
4. It’s not in our genetic interest to reproduce with the
same person over and over again, decreased genetic
diversity
Drawbacks of romantic love Romantic love is transient (Helen Fisher, 2004)
Our ancestors were primed to fall passionately, sexually
in love for about 4 years – enough time to come
together, conceive a child and take care of it through its
infancy stage, increasing its survival rate
o In tribal societies by the age offour, children are
generally self-sufficient and prefer to spend most of their
time playing with other children

8. 24/05/2018
8
‘The Happily Ever After’ is a Myth
The truth is we are simply not hard-wired
to keep romantic-love passionate and
alive decades to come with the same
person. We are wired for shorter-term
love, long enough to come together and
procreate.
If romantic love is not meant to last -
1. what happens to the relationship if the love fizzles
out?
2. how are you suppose to sustain a happy and
fulfilling relationship over the long-run?
The Problem:
1. We think long-term love is suppose to come
naturally
2. And it depends on finding the “right person”
• Just because you can fall in love doesn't mean
you know how to maintain love and build a
successful relationship

9. 24/05/2018
9
The Problem:
3. There is one form to love –
o one of the biggest misconceptions about love is that it is
one-dimensional
■ What we think of love is in fact only the first stage of
love – the initial attraction and infatuation phase
(limerence)
Romantic Love
In this state love looks (movie love):
– Intense
– High sexual desire
– Attachment and connection
– Obsession with our partner
– Magical experience
– Euphoric
■ While this state is amasing, it’s also
largely biological
Genuine lasting relationships requires three basic
elements:
•Chemistry
•Compatibility
•Commitment
•Modern love is largely concerned with the first
factor
•Relationship ideals are organised around falling in
love, not staying in love
•Movies and songs overemphasis the initial
stages of love, rarely depicting the process
of creating lasting love

10. 24/05/2018
10
• Marriages that begin with high intensity romantic
love and build the basis of the relationship on
this state are more susceptible to conflict and
problems in later stages of the relationship
• Unrealistic expectations
• Emotional intensity/passion
How can a relationship survive beyond
romantic love?
• Successful couples don’t consider the weaning of
infatuation as a letdown or disappointment but as
transition to the next phase of their relationship
• Similar patterns of behaviour between
satisfied couples
• After romantic love subsides a more substantial
foundation is necessary to sustain a long-term
successful relationship
■This love is less intense in degree compared to
romantic love but it’s based on feelings of deep
connection, bonding and affection
■Two people have to be actively engaged in the
process of building this kind of love. Unlike romantic
love, it doesn’t just happen reflexively
■Takes skill, awareness and intentionality to develop
Companionate love – Another Phase of Love
Two steps to long-term love:
1. Finding the right person
2. Actively sustaining the love throughout the
relationship
How much effort do you put into each category?

11. 24/05/2018
11
Long-term, authentic love requires:
• Skill and knowledge
• Understanding of the self
• Awareness of your partner
Where to get started?
•If you want lasting love in your relationship, then
you must start the process of finding out what it is
•You can’t create something you don’t
understand
•The gap between misinformed ideals and reality
is often a major problem
Where to get started?
There is a difference between wanting something
and being ready to have it
Working with clients:
•What is their understanding of love and lasting
relationship?
•What does a successful relationship look like for
them?
•How much do they believe in “happily ever after” or
destiny?
Emotions Require Action
•Love is an emotional experience
•Emotional experiences can only be sustained
through action
•What actions are required to help you
transition from the excitement of romantic love
to the subsistence of long-term love?
• There will be a gradual change in needs and
expectations over time as the relationship
grows

12. 24/05/2018
12
If we are wired for love, what determines how or who we
fall in love with?
■ You can’t just make it work with anybody
■ Love and relationships are a subjective experience
You and WhoYou Choose
• It’s not about how lucky or
fortunate you are, it’s about
who you are
• Who we are attracted to, how
we relate to others and how we
give and receive love will
depend on who we are
You and WhoYou Choose
■ Early childhood experiences shape our brain and create a
blueprint of our beliefs
■ This blueprint holds beliefs about
– who we are, what the world is like and what others mean to us
and
– Seeks to confirm them as we go through life
You and WhoYou Choose
The brain
■ is not collecting data and then analaysing it through an objective
lens, but through our lens
■ it’s filling in the gaps of the present using the past
■ creating coherent narrative, in a way that makes sense to the
person, which may not necessarily be objectively true
You and WhoYou Choose

13. 24/05/2018
13
You and WhoYou Choose You and WhoYou Choose
When it comes to relationships…
■ What we have experienced in the past gives meaning
and creates a framework to current experiences
You meet a guy/girl on a night out, you spend the evening
chatting and hanging out. He/she takes your number,
promising to call to arrange a date. It’s been a week and
you haven’t heard anything from yet
What is your interpretation of the situation?
You and WhoYou Choose
■ Men/women are liars and game players
■ He/she was only after one thing
■ You can’t trust people to keep their word, they always let you
down
■ I must've said something wrong, done something wrong, what’s
wrong with me
■ He/she must've only pretended to like me (found someone
else better, was bored that night)
■ He/she is just busy and hasn't gotten around to calling
■ Something else must've come up
You and WhoYou Choose

14. 24/05/2018
14
You and WhoYou Choose
■ Present relationships are seen through the lens of the
past
■ Chemistry and attraction are created towards those who
help us recreate past dynamics and relationship
patterns which are familiar and known to us
■ Example: Anna’s dilemma
You and WhoYou Choose
■ A healthy, symbiotic relationship between parent and child
helps acknowledge and validate the development of the self
and affirm that the world is a safe place
■ When a child’s needs go unmet, as adults, to counteract the
distress they still feel inside:
1. Crave, highlydependent and obsessive on human contact
2. Become overlyself-sufficient, little feelings or need for others
Working only in the present:
■ Denies the effects of childhood experiences
■ Limits our understanding of the framework within which
we operate
■ Limits the understanding of the systems we employ to
cope with present conflicts
You and WhoYou Choose
Meaning is embedded in our earliest experiences and needs to
be decoded starting there
We need to be able to tease apart our adult experiences and
understand them from there roots and original source
You and WhoYou Choose

15. 24/05/2018
15
■ Long-term love is not all about happiness
• Soulmates are meant to challenge and help us grow
beyond our norms and comfort
• How do you measure the success of your relationship?
You and Who You Choose
■ Initial romantic attraction is natural to humans
but maintaining love over time isn’t
■ You can’t rely on romantic love to instinctively
give you long-term success and happiness
– Don’t buy into the “love is natural or happily ever
after myth”
To Recap – The Challenge
■ Accepting that there is nothing normal about
long-term love, can help you realise that you
have much more control over the development
and maintenance of your love life than you
think
■ You are not helpless in the pursuit of love,
some people aren’t just more lucky than
others, you are in control
To Recap – The Good News
■ Learn about your partner and yourself
o Better partner selection
o Better interactions in a relationship
■ Learn how healthy relationships work
o Read books, model other healthy relationships, get
support from “experts”
To Recap – The Good News

16. 24/05/2018
16
Kathrinebejanyan.com
Offer
1 hr session Skype or
Office session for £65
(limit to 7 people)
Sign up by the end of the
week