1. What do you say to a Dementor?
In my last article, “Watch who you share your pain with,” I described several kinds of people who
only make your pain worse by saying the wrong things.
I call them, collectively, Dementors, familiar to Harry Potter
fans as creatures who suck all hope out of you. They may
magnify your tiny symptom into sure death, or seemingly
provide incontrovertible evidence that your dreams can
never succeed.
When in a crisis or loss situation, we are all initially
gobsmacked by these people and their remarks. Replying
smartly on the spot may be beyond most of us, but here are
some hints for handling these situations:
Don’t let somebody else write your future!
Remind yourself that the future is still up for grabs. Most of the hurtful things other people say in
these situations are really about predicting the future. Why do we assume they have the power to do
that? Probably because they are touching a secret fear – about our own mortality, that of a loved
one, or of a special quest in life – a fear we don’t want to reveal because to do so will somehow
give that fear life. Now someone else has done it for us. Solution? Go back to my first sentence: the
future is up for grabs!! When you are able to slow down your anxious breathing, start to look for the
parts of the future that you can control by taking action now.
If you can rally enough to say something, here are a few suggestions:
• Questions you can ask:
Why would you say that to me now?
Are you meaning to be helpful?
Are you meaning to be comforting?
Do you believe that’s true for everyone, a lot of people, or just a few?
Do you feel I’m similar to that person? If so, how much?
• Statements you can make:
To the future predictor:
I’m going to stay optimistic because I know it’s better for my health in the long run.
To the self-appointed expert who gives you advice, medical or otherwise:
I want to explore every avenue before making a decision.
To the gooey sympathizer who oozes all over you:
I am not a victim – I’m just a human being who has had a setback.

2. A dear friend I will call Emily told me a wonderful story recently. Her husband had been diagnosed
with cancer – a form which can range from mild to severe, and for which there are a variety of
outcomes. They had no idea which it was at this point.
Shaken, she told a friend, who said briskly, “What you need to do now is move to a condo so that
you won’t have all that trouble when he dies.”
Gobsmacked, she hung up, hurt and furious. To her great credit, she rallied, called the friend back,
and said, “I want you to know I was very hurt by what you said, and I considered never speaking to
you again.” They discussed the issue, but at this point Emily feels she will never really trust this
friend as a confidant again.
Strong friendships are often made or broken on the basis of the sharing and reception of bad news.
When people tell us really bad news they have received, most of us are unprepared as to what to
say, so we bungle it. Here’s a tip: If you don’t know what to say, don’t! In fact, grief experts
recommend that you use this simple phrase that sums up the enormity of the experience someone
has confided to you and your wish to help but recognition that you can’t: “I don’t know what to
say.”
Lynette Crane, M.A.(Psychology) and Certified Life Coach,is a Minneapolis-based speaker, writer,
and coach. She has more than 30 years' experience in the field of stress management. She currently
works to provide stress and time pressure solutions to harried women, those women who seek
"Islands of Peace" in their overly-busy lives. Her talks to groups of what she calls "harried women"
are receiving rave reviews. Visit her website at http://www.creativelifechanges.com/ to see more in-
depth articles and to view her programs.