1. Communication Workshop
Semira Rahemtulla
May 17, 2016

2. Who am I?
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $4B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ multiple startups
• Harvard Ed.M Technology In Education
• Stanford Computer Science (undergrad)
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me…
• Each person gets 2min to complete the
sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”
• No responses except “Thank you”

7. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

8. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

9. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers
was strength of affection.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,
Kouzes & Posner
Authentic Leaders

10. Feedback & Influence

11. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

12. My Feedback Dilemma
“You’re not handling the claims project very well.
Your spec is disorganized and incomplete. And
because of that, we’re now at a point where the
feature won’t get done on time.
I need you to fix the spec like we talked about so
we can get the project on track.”

13. My Feedback Dilemma
“You’re not handling the claims project very well.
96%Chance of
Defensiveness
Harsh Startup

14. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

15. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

16. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Stay on your side of the net!

17. Better feedback for Bob?
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
You didn’t change the spec like we discussed
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I’m feeling concerned about the project and getting it done
on schedule
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

18. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond
very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for
asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve
noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with
questions or requests.

19. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

20. Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

21. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup
1. Check in
– “Is now a good time?”
2. Soft Start
– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)
– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”

22. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback
Kelly + John C
Cristina + John H
Kay + Billy
Malthe + Courtney
Cecilia + Kevin
Stacie + Ethan + Jacques
Jeff + Cosmin
Josh + Jorge
Bryan + Desmond + Michael
Kelly + Courtney
John C + Malthe
Billy + Cristina
Ethan + Cecilia
Kay + Cosmin
Stacie + Jacques
Jeff + Jorge
Bryan + Michael
Kevin - BYE
Josh - BYE
Desmond - BYE
John H - BYE

23. #1 Factor for Happiness
on the Job:
Feeling appreciated
-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation
1. Create a space for it
2. Lead by example

25. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress

27. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 