1. Founder Communication
InnerSpace
Semira Rahemtulla
May 19, 2016

2. Why are we doing this? (Part 1)

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

5. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

6. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

7. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers
was strength of affection.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,
Kouzes & Posner
Authentic Leaders

8. If You Really Knew
Me…

9. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

10. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to
feel defensive”
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to be
getting agitated”
• Take a deep breath
• “Could you give
me a sec?”
• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)

11. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ

12. Feedback & Influence

13. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

14. My Feedback Dilemma
“You’re not handling the claims project very well.
Your spec is disorganized and incomplete. And
because of that, we’re now at a point where the
feature won’t get done on time.
I need you to fix the spec like we talked about so
we can get the project on track.”

15. My Feedback Dilemma
“You’re not handling the claims project very well.
96%Chance of
Defensiveness
Harsh Startup

16. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

17. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

18. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Stay on your side of the net!

19. Better feedback for Bob?
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
You didn’t change the spec like we discussed
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I’m feeling concerned about the project and getting it done
on schedule
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

20. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t
respond very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for
asking, even though that time off is important to me. And
I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with
questions or requests.

21. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

22. Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup
1. Check in
– “Is now a good time?”
2. Soft Start
– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)
– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”

24. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

25. #1 Factor for Happiness
on the Job:
Feeling appreciated
-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityCultivate a Culture of Appreciation
1. Create a space for it
2. Lead by example

27. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Help the other person feel heard
– Ask clarifying questions
– Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding
• Acknowledge your feelings
– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”
– Disclose your reactions, thoughts, feelings
• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements
• Make requests
– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?
• Be specific
• Discuss the error case
– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the
agreement?

29. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

30. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress

31. Fostering a feedback-rich culture
• Train your team on giving/receiving feedback
• Schedule feedback-focused 1:1s (or begin
1:1s with two-way feedback)
– And set expectations of others to do the same

32. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 