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w e d d i n g
an idea struck me: What if I can help others use the tools
and techniques I've learned as a comedian to conquer their
fears and deliver the best speeches of their lives? And on
that day, Winning Wit was born. A healthy 7 lbs, 10 oz of
LLC and tax paperwork.
Three years and countless weddings later, I've seen many
different components that make a great speech. Here are
some dos and don'ts of these components to help you and
your wedding party get started.
T H E R O A S T
DO: Take a few potshots at those in the crowd with thick
skin. If Uncle Larry frequently jokes about his bad back, so
can you. If Cousin Jamie has a piñata with her ex-husband's
face on it, he's fair game. If the groom bit off more than
he could chew at the bachelor party in Las Vegas and had
to wash dishes to pay for his flight home – by all means.
Everyone loves a roast, but only if directed at those who can
take it.
DON’T: Make any jokes that mock the bride. Ever. Repeat –
NEVER make a joke at the bride’s expense. Gentle ribbing is
fine, but no jokes about the bride's dress, weight, or makeup.
Also, don’t crack about something that’s a sensitive topic for
at least one person in the room. “Hey, Aunt Stacy, we all
know those aren’t real.” Bad idea.
C H I L D H O O D S T O R I E S
DO: Talk about some misadventures/anecdotes you had with
the bride/groom, but only ones that the bride and groom are
comfortable with the other, and for that matter, the whole
room, knowing about. Stories about how the bride fell off her
bike repeatedly when she was 8 or how the groom’s tuba solo
made the entire school assembly cringe are perfect.
DON’T: Never bring up an incident that your frat buddies
found hilarious, but others would find horrifying. That time
the groom passed out and you became Picasso with a magic
marker…best left within the confines of the bachelor party.
If the bride was known to go home with a different guy every
by Geoff Woliner
Wit
In the spring of 2011, I was asked to deliver the best man
speech at my friend's wedding in New York. A big, fat Greek
wedding. Despite having been a stand-up comedian for 13
years, my nerves still kicked in. There was a little voice
whispering, "This HAS to be good. They HAVE to laugh.
These are your BEST FRIENDS. If you mess this up, they'll
disown you!" So I said, "Thanks for the vote of confidence,
grandma."
Months of preparation ensued, and before I knew it, it was
show time. So rather than re-invent the wheel, I applied
what I'd learned on stage to the speech. Be funny, direct,
and brief. Always smile. Make good eye contact. Begin and
end with your best jokes.
The speech kicked off as follows: "I'll never forget meeting
Kosta on that fateful afternoon at the bowling alley in 1996.
Like a scene out of a movie, the doors to the place flew
open, and in walked a tall, confident, good-looking Greek
kid who strutted around like he owned the place. Then Kosta
walked in."
The crowd roared. I continued with the routine as if I were at
the Comedy Caravan in Louisville. At the end of the speech,
PhotosbyDavidBlariPhotography
weekend in college, it’s a safe bet she’d like to keep that
information from Grandma Molly.
S TA N D - U P R O U T I N E
DO: Turn the speech into a relevant routine that comes off
as humorous storytelling, i.e., “Crazy times. But not as crazy
as the next year when we entered middle school. Jimmy was
the best player on our JV basketball team. A team that went
0-24. But he rallied the troops, and the next season, we
came roaring back with a 1-23 campaign. Good job, Jimmy.”
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DON’T: Turn the speech into your own personal comedy
showcase, talking about your own life and leaving out the
reason you’re there in the first place. “Yeah, so what’s the
deal with those peanuts they give you on the plane?” You’ll
lose your audience quickly, and rightfully so.
D R I N K I N G
DO: Have one drink to settle your nerves if you’re an anxious
speaker. It’ll take the edge off
and allow you to focus. And be sure that one drink isn't a
Long Island Iced Tea.
DON’T: More than one drink is asking, nay, begging for
trouble. Even if you have an iron liver, two or more cold
ones will make you sloppy, forget your transitions, and leave
you staring blankly into the audience, completely forgetting
what comes next. And four or more drinks may incline you to
say something that’ll get you slapped by the maid of honor
before you even take the stage. Just. Say. No.
W O R K I N G T H E C R O W D
DO: Focus on the friendly faces in the crowd that’ll support
you and laugh at even your worst jokes. Never turn your back
to the audience. Incorporate some self-deprecating humor if
a joke bombs. “How about that shrimp during the cocktail
hour? I’ve eaten better food at the Salvation Army shelter.”
*Crowd Groans* “Guess I shouldn’t quit my day job.” *Then
look at the bride/groom. Then look back at the crowd* “Hey,
they asked me to give this speech. Boo them!”
DON’T: If none of your jokes are working, don’t start attacking
the crowd. This works well in comedy clubs but is a disaster
at weddings. “Earth to Uncle Fred; I’m giving a speech here.
Hey, don’t mind him. I guess he’s having a staring contest
with his imaginary dog.”
S P E E C H L E N G T H
DO: Make your speech funny, direct and BRIEF! Rehearse
it several times until you’ve found the magic formula that
keeps it under 5 minutes. End with your best joke and leave
them wanting more. And as they applaud, you can have
some fun at the end. "Thank you! Thank you! Stick around
for the 9:30 show and don't forget to tip your waitresses!"
DON’T: Turn the toast into your own personal filibuster.
Regardless of how good the speech may be, everyone has
a limited attention span and will start anxiously grumbling
for you to wrap it up if you go on and on and on and on.
Also, don't torture the crowd with 3 minutes of, "Ummm....
uhhh....well....umm...." while you try to come up with new
things to fill the time. You'll end up with an enemies list that
would make Nixon blush.
These dos and don'ts were derived from witnessing some
disastrous wedding speeches over the years. Here are some
actual speeches I've witnessed from a best man and maid of
honor, and what they should have said instead.
B E S T M A N S P E E C H
WHAT WAS SAID: "Hey everyone. I'm Alan. But you already
knew that. Well, some of you knew that. I mean, I don't
know everyone here. But I probably should. Anyway...I first
met Victoria in Las Vegas where her and Adam met on the
rooftop of a bar. And then she went home with him. Yeah,
that happened. But we all pretty much expected it to. That's
the kind of girl she is. Ummm...so...I never really liked Eric.
Always thought he was arrogant. And I thought Victoria was
stuck up. Still do, really. But over time, I've come to learn
that people grow on you. They still haven't completely grown
on me and I know they rub a lot of people the wrong way.
They deserve each other. Who else would marry them?"
WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID: "Hey everyone, I'm Alan.
Some of you have the misfortune of knowing me, and the
rest of you, well, count your blessings. I first met Victoria at
the Sky Bar in Las Vegas back in 2007, where she and Eric
locked eyes from across the room. Just like in West Side
Story, minus the gang fights and awkward dancing. OK, so
there was plenty of awkward dancing. Anyway, Adam walks
up to me, puts his arm around me and says, "Yo, Alan, see
that girl?" I said, "Who, the one with the mohawk?" He said,
"No, dummy! The one over there. The short brunette. I don't
know what it is man..but there's something about her. That
girl...she's the girl I'm gonna spend the rest of my night
with."
And on the female side of the house...
M A I D O F H O N O R S P E E C H
WHAT WAS SAID: "Amber and I grew up together in Livonia.
She was always jealous that I was prettier than her." <Stares
into the crowd, awkwardly waiting for a laugh that never
comes> "We did everything together...We went to the movies,
hung out at each other's places, chased after the same guys.
They always wanted me but I talked a couple of them into
giving her a shot because I love her. Big girls need loving
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too! She's the best. And now she met Rick, who is perfect
for her in every way. He's bipolar, and she might as well be!
It's awesome that you two found each other!"
WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID: "As many of you know,
Amber and I grew up together in the exciting, mesmerizing
suburb of Livonia. It was a really safe place to grow up, until
Amber got her license. Then even the cops and tow trucks
stayed off the roads. Amber has always been like a sister
to me, and now with Rick, I can have the brother I always
wanted. The brother who will kick me out of the room when
the game's on. They're perfect for each other. He's from the
Midwest, she's from the Midwest. OK, so that's pretty much
all they have in common. But she loves him, and that's good
enough for me! Just kidding, Rick. You're the best and I love
you too. But seriously, stop kicking us out when the game's
on!"
T H E I M P O R TA N C E O F T H E
S P E E C H
The wedding speech is one of the most important parts of
the big day, because it's timeless and memorable. When
you're re-watching your wedding video for the 112th time,
you won't be rewinding and fast-forwarding the Viennese
table being rolled out or Uncle Jim's painfully uncoordinated
version of the Electric Slide. Well, OK, that's pretty funny
and you should re-watch it.
But it's the speeches that will stand out. Those moments
when those closest to you got a chance to speak from the
heart in front of the people you chose to share your special
day with. A bonding experience that brought you the tears,
joy and laughter you'll be reminiscing about for years.
The flowers, dress and centerpieces received meticulous
attention to detail and are perfect. (You hope!) The speeches
that will help define the happiest day of your life deserve no
less.
Geoff Woliner, named Stand-Up NY’s “Funniest Person from
Queens”, is an experienced stand-up comedian, presentation
coach and speechwriter. If your wedding party would like
a hand writing and delivering their own funny wedding
speeches, contact Geoff@WinningWit.com.
KB
PhotobyGreerPhotography.